FADE IN:

INT. RESTAURANT

SAMARA WEAVING is waiting at the BAR of a SWANKY MANHATTAN RESTAURANT.

SAMARA WEAVING

Oh GODDAMNIT. Don’t tell me I made it all the way to the end of Ready or Not, just to blunder straight into the beginning of a fucking Scream movie?

(phone rings)

FUCK THIS SHIIIIT

(answers)

Y’ello?

GHOSTFACE

(normal voice)

Hi, I’m your blind date! I’m going to hold off putting on the Roger L. Jackson voice for long enough that it’ll start to seem worryingly like they think the audience is gonna fall for it. Anyway, come meet me in the alley outside!

She goes OUTSIDE and peers down an ALLEY by the RESTAURANT.

SAMARA WEAVING

Okay, I don’t see you. Clearly we’re looking at different alleys.

GHOSTFACE

No, I’m definitely walking down that alley! The big wide deserted alley you’re looking down, I’m in there somewhere, come meet me!

SAMARA WEAVING

I will not. Best case scenario you’re somewhere else entirely, worst case you’re lurking behind a dumpster waiting to jump me, that would be a fair assumption even in the real world.

GHOSTFACE

But - oh no, a guy’s coming after me! Help! Come into that alley and help me!!

SAMARA WEAVING

I do not see ANY of this, what you’re describing CLEARLY IS NOT HAPPENING IN THIS ALLEY, and even if it were WHY WOULD I GO TO THERE?

GHOSTFACE

Look, this is getting pretty drawn out, just come get murdered already.

SAMARA WEAVING

UGH FUCKING FINE.

She heads into the ALLEY like a MORON and gets STABBED DEAD BY GHOSTFACE. Then GHOSTFACE takes off his MASK and reveals that it’s TONY REVOLORI.

TONY REVOLORI

Oh wow, we’re revealing one of the killers’ identities right out of the gate? This could be a pretty cool twist on the formula! We could have scenes of legitimate suspense as the audience sees me clearly manipulating unsuspecting characters towards their doom, all while keeping my accomplice’s identity under wraps to maintain-

(stabbed by another Ghostface)

Or that could happen.

(dies)

INT. DORMITORY

JENNA ORTEGA is at a COLLEGE PARTY with fellow SCREAM V ALUMNI JASMIN SAVOY BROWN and MASON GOODING, while newcomers DEVYN NEKODA and JACK CHAMPION stand by awkwardly wondering if they’ll be ending the movie merely DEAD or also EVIL.

JENNA ORTEGA

Well I’ll catch you guys later, I’ve met a complete stranger at this party on a university campus, and I’ve decided to immediately go to a second location with him! Wow, the female characters in this movie are not making particularly savvy decisions so far.

But then JENNA’S SISTER MELISSA BARRERA shows up and TAZES THE DUDE and then HAULS JENNA OUT OF THE PARTY.

JENNA ORTEGA

Oh for fuck’s sake Melissa! I know you’re all traumatized about the murder spree we survived in the last movie, but that’s no reason to get so paranoid and overprotective!

MELISSA BARRERA

Like hell it’s not. In real life maybe this would be irrational behavior, but in-universe, do you have any idea how many people survive a Ghostface rampage only to get murdered by a subsequent Ghostface? It’s like a fucking coin toss.

They then see a NEWS STORY about the latest GHOSTFACE KILLINGS! After which MELISSA gets a PHONE CALL.

MELISSA BARRERA

(answering)

Ew, a voice call, for real? Just text me like a normal person, you weirdo.

GHOSTFACE

I’m gonna get you, Melissa! That’s right, Ghostface killings in New York City, we’re really expanding the scope here! I mean, cosmetically. In practice I’m still terrorizing a small group of potential victims who all know each other like usual. But this time there’s subways and stuff!!

JOSH SEGARRA

(showing up)

Don’t worry Melissa, I, your neighbor that you’re secretly dating, will protect you! And yes as a big intimidating dude who you know almost nothing about, I’m a prime suspect as the killer. But I’m SO prime a suspect, that I’m almost definitely a red herring! ...But I’m so OBVIOUSLY a red herring, that it could be concealing the fact that I really AM the killer! But that’s what they did in the first movie, so we’re probably not gonna do that. Or is that what they WANT you to think???

(pause)

Shit, now even I’m not sure. Just how many layers of meta bullshit deep are we at this point?

Police detective DERMOT MULRONEY arrives.

DERMOT MULRONEY

Hi, Melissa. As you know, I’m the father of your roommate Liano Liberato, and since the threat to your life puts my daughter at risk also, I made sure to get myself assigned to this case. You’re probably thinking that that’s the opposite of how conflicts of interest work, but just roll with it.

HAYDEN PANETTIERE

And the FBI is on the case as well, as led by me, Agent... HAYDEN PANETTIERE!

MELISSA BARRERA

Oh wow! Hayden Panettiere of NBC’s Heroes!!

HAYDEN PANETTIERE

...I mean yeah, but more importantly, I’m from Scream 4, remember?

MELISSA BARRERA

There was a Scream 4?

JENNA ORTEGA

Okay well whichever one of you is in charge, since the murderer has made overt threats against us I’m assuming you’ll be placing us in protective custody?

DERMOT MULRONEY

(looks to Hayden)

...?

HAYDEN PANETTIERE

(whispers)

Protective... what the fuck is she talking about?

DERMOT MULRONEY

(whispers)

I dunno, I think she’s just making up words.

COURTNEY COX

(arriving)

There’s also me! Since we killed off David Arquette and Neve Campbell finally decided she’d had enough of this shit, I’m the one person left who can’t resist this regular paycheck.

MELISSA BARRERA

I don’t trust you, Courtney! You and your careerist ambition just see our tragedy as fodder for your news show! But maybe when the chips are truly down, it will be seen that you’re decent at core.

COURTNEY COX

(sighs deeply)

I guess I’m stuck doing this character arc over and over until Bill Murray learns the power of love or something.

JASMIN SAVOY BROWN

Geez, could we stop increasing the number of characters in this thing? That’s the opposite of how slashers are supposed to work. Besides, it’s time to do the usual Discussing the Horror Movie Rules scene!

MELISSA BARRERA

Oh God, again? We’ve discussed the rules of horror movies five times already, surely this bit is exhausted by now.

JASMIN SAVOY BROWN

Think again! We may already have covered the rules of horror movies, sequels, trilogies, reboots, and “re-quels” which is a word I think we just plain made up, but this time we’re in... uh, what can we say we’re doing this time... ooh, I know! Now it’s a franchise!

MELISSA BARRERA

(looks at number in movie’s title)

NOW it’s a franchise?!

JASMIN SAVOY BROWN

So here are the rules in a franchise. The stakes have to be raised, so we’re talking more elaborate set pieces, more deaths-

MELISSA BARRERA

We already did that one in Scream 2 with the rules for sequels.

JASMIN SAVOY BROWN

Okay well uh, there’s also the fact that nobody’s safe! Any character can die, even recurring protagonists-

MELISSA BARRERA

That was one of the rules for trilogies we covered in Scream 3! Seriously, this is all stale as shit, why are we still doing this?

JASMIN SAVOY BROWN

Because of the MAIN rule of horror movies that we will never ever acknowledge in this series: if you have a winning formula, run it into the fucking ground.

INT. MELISSA’S APARTMENT

That night, MELISSA, JENNA, JASMIN, MASON, and DEVYN are all having dinner with no police protection in sight. Suddenly they get a TEXT from JOSH.

MELISSA BARRERA

Oh shit, apparently Ghostface is in Liano’s room right now, killing her! She should have known better than to go off by herself when she was so obviously expendable!

GHOSTFACE then bursts out and attacks! They flee to a BEDROOM where they seem CORNERED, until JOSH hails them from across the way!

JOSH SEGARRA

It’s okay, you can use this ladder as a bridge to escape over to my place! Sure is insanely lucky that you guys trapped yourselves directly across the way from a guy who happens to keep a fifteen-foot ladder in a New York apartment.

They escape across, but DEVYN falls and dies!

JOSH SEGARRA

Dang! But hey, considering the audience saw me freak out when I witnessed Liano’s murder, when there was nobody for me to be faking it for, surely that means I’m not the killer, right? Unless that’s our way of TRICKING you, and really I was only pretending ON THE OFF CHANCE some unseen bystander was-

MELISSA BARRERA

Oh for God’s sake, you’re such an exhausting character to even exist. Please leave the movie now.

JOSH SEGARRA

Can do!

(fucks off)

INT. MAKESHIFT MUSEUM

COURTNEY brings the surviving group to a HALL OF SCREAM REFERENCES.

COURTNEY COX

I was able to find out with my journalism powers that Tony and his accomplice were Ghostface fanatics who have put together this shrine to all the murders that have happened throughout the franchise, I mean years! Look at all these props and stills heralding back to past movies, I mean killers! Seriously, this is some Super Mario Bros Movie-level nostalgia pandering right here.

MELISSA BARRERA

Wow, this sure is bringing back some memories. Hey, remember Laurie Metcalf’s pathetically non-threatening bad guy in Scream 2? And remember, like... ALL of Scream 3? Hmmm. Maybe we shouldn’t be inviting the audience to count how many of these movies have actually been any good.

COURTNEY COX

Anyway, we’ve noted that the killer has been leaving Ghostface masks from previous movies at the scenes of his crimes, however the hell we were able to determine that. They’re all from this museum, and he’s counting down to the first Ghostface, Melissa’s dad Skeet Ulrich!

SKEET ULRICH

(appearing to Melissa)

Hi! Remember how last time you kept hallucinating that I was coaxing you towards discovering your inner serial killer? Well this time we’re... just doing that! All over again!

MELISSA BARRERA

Why am I hallucinating you looking fifty-three years old when you died in high school?

She then gets another call from GHOSTFACE, which they’re able to trace to right outside COURTNEY’S APARTMENT!

MELISSA BARRERA

Oh no, he’s going after Courtney! Let’s go save her! Man, she’s lucky he randomly stopped to taunt me on the phone once he got to her place.

INT. COURTNEY’S APARTMENT

COURTNEY is called by GHOSTFACE.

GHOSTFACE

Well well, after all these years you and I are finally talking for the first time! Kind of a big deal, huh?

COURTNEY COX

What the hell are you talking about? You’re a brand-new character playing dressup. Did you honestly think the audience forgot how this franchise works?

GHOSTFACE appears and attacks! COURTNEY manages to get into another room and fetch her GUN, then she shoots through the DOOR.

COURTNEY COX

Aha! I shot an area that at some point contained the killer! Obviously I am victorious, and may confidently-

GHOSTFACE bursts in on her and PINS HER DOWN and STABS HER!

GHOSTFACE

Take that! I stab your shoulder! I stab carefully between your liver and your large intestine! Hey, stop squirming so much or I might actually hit something important.

MELISSA and JENNA arrive on the scene, and GHOSTFACE flees!

COURTNEY COX

And that’s how you get away with doing only three scenes but still collecting a whole paycheck!

(passes out)

INT. SUBWAY

MELISSA and JENNA regroup with JASMIN, MASON, and JACK.

JASMIN SAVOY BROWN

The only one of us whose whereabouts was unaccounted for just now is Jack! I think he’s the killer!

JACK CHAMPION

Oh, I fucking better be. With Liano and Devyn already out, I’m the single most expendable character we have left. If I’m the murderer then at least I’ll make it to the climax.

They all try to get on the SUBWAY TRAIN, but the UNSTOPPABLE TIDE of EXITING COMMUTERS washes JASMIN and JACK right back out onto the platform, so they have to catch the NEXT ONE. Once aboard, JASMIN notices that half the HALLOWEEN-COSTUMED PASSENGERS are dressed as GHOSTFACE!

JASMIN SAVOY BROWN

Oh shit, there are like twenty Ghostfaces here! We’re surrounded by people who look exactly like the deranged killer who is known to be currently wandering loose in Manhattan disemboweling innocent bystanders! WHY AM I THE ONLY PERSON HERE WHO’S FREAKING OUT?!

One of the GHOSTFACES turns out to be GHOSTFACE and stabs JASMIN in the STOMACH!

JASMIN SAVOY BROWN

GACK! But this is impossible, we’ve already seen me in the present-day scenes, getting elected as state senator and murdering my dog! Oh wait, I think that’s the other teen-murder series I’m in.

(collapses)

INT. MAKESHIFT MUSEUM

The OTHERS meet up with HAYDEN at the MUSEUM where they hope to entrap GHOSTFACE. But then GHOSTFACE shows up and stabs JENNA in the BACK!

JENNA ORTEGA

YOWCH! That smarts! Other than that, I’m basically fine. It was, y’know, one of those getting-stabbed-in-the-back-with-a-ten-inch-knife things that’s more shocking than harmful.

But then a second GHOSTFACE arrives and both of them stab MASON over and over and over! Then DERMOT shows up and SHOOTS HAYDEN!

DERMOT MULRONEY

Yep, I’m a Ghostface! And you know how the first movie had the twist that there were two Ghostfaces, and then almost every single movie since then had the exact same twist? Well this time there are THREE GHOSTFACES WOOOAAAHHH THAT’S SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT!

The other two GHOSTFACES take off their MASKS and it’s JACK (obviously) as well as a still-alive LIANO!

LIANO LIBERATO

That’s right, the one-dimensional “slutty roommate is slutty” character who had like seven lines earlier in the movie has just shown up alive again, and is one of three people who are all doing the killer reveal in a big bunch! I cannot imagine ANYBODY caring about this.

DERMOT MULRONEY

So remember Jack Quaid, your boyfriend character from last movie who turned out to be the killer, and who you then killed? Well this whole time that guy was my son, and I want revenge!!

(points to Jack and Liano)

And so do his brother and sister, which is what keeps this from being the exact same murderer reveal from the end of Scream 2.

JACK CHAMPION

We had Liano con her way into being your roommate, and me rig the dorm roommate lottery to live with Mason, then Dermot made sure he got made the single lone detective on this murder spree, then we faked Liano’s death for basically no purpose whatsoever, and it’s pretty much the most overcomplicated sequence of events we could have come up with!

MELISSA BARRERA

And it all depended on the concept that I never saw any photographs of any of Jack Quaid’s immediate family the entire time I was dating him, so you kind of lucked out there. Also wait, I know Dermot’s real surname that he detectives under, does he not have the same surname as his son?

DERMOT MULRONEY

ENOUGH TALK, STABBY STABBY TIME!

All three of the MURDERERS try to kill MELISSA and JENNA. But MELISSA taps into her hereditary BLOODLUST and SLAUGHTERS THEM ALL!

SKEET ULRICH

(in hallucination)

Good work, Melissa! You didn’t use your inborn psychosis for evil, but instead were able to use it to make you stronger in the face of adversity!

MELISSA BARRERA

I did. It might even have been a little bit awesome if that hadn’t already been my EXACT CHARACTER ARC from last movie.

(checks Jenna)

So how’s that stab wound? You gonna survive again?

JENNA ORTEGA

Yep! It may have been a pretty rough ride this time, but at least you and I survived our wounds and-

HAYDEN PANETTIERE

(pops up)

Oh, and me! My getting shot point blank by a trained marksman was superficial, apparently!

MELISSA BARRERA

Oh? Well in that case, three people have made it through-

COURTNEY COX

(calls from hospital)

And I’m fine also! Gotta keep this revenue stream open!

MELISSA BARRERA

All right, I suppose-

MASON GOODING

(waves from gurney)

And two separate Ghostfaces may have joined forces to stab me like forty times, but I’m okay!

MELISSA BARRERA

WHAT. Fuck off.

JASMIN SAVOY BROWN

(arriving)

And after getting stabbed twice in the stomach like an hour ago, I’ve already been released from the hospital and am out running around, basically fit as a fiddle!

MELISSA BARRERA

OKAY THIS IS RIDICULOUS! Do massive stab wounds even sting anymore in this fucking universe, I mean how many-

DAVID ARQUETTE

(descending on rope from helicopter)

Ooh, can I get in on this?

SKEET ULRICH

(emerges from Wizard of Oz-style holograph booth)

Ta-da, I wasn’t a hallucination after all!

DREW BARRYMORE

(climbs out of nearby manhole)

It was only a flesh wound!

MELISSA BARRERA

FUUUUCK

END.