FADE IN:

INT. JAIL

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. and JUDE LAW go to see MARK STRONG in JAIL.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Ah, diabolical Lord Mark Strong.  Glad to see you're finally going to be hanged for all of those murders you committed in a movie that would have probably been more entertaining than this one.

MARK STRONG

Curse you, Downey!  I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you and your meddling sidekick!

JUDE LAW

My mustache disapproves of your murderous ways.

MARK STRONG

This isn't over, Downey!  The movie is just starting and I've been in way too many Guy Ritchie movies to die this early!

He is HANGED, U.S. style for some reason.

JUDE LAW

I pronounce this man dead with no pulse.  I won't bother checking his neck or anything, since that is convenient to the plot.

MARK is buried. The next day they found the stone rolled away from the tomb, but when they entered, they did not find the body of the LORD MARK STRONG.

EDDIE MARSAN

Oh fiddlesticks and jam!  How will I solve this mystery?

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Good morning, Inspector Marsan.  I am Sherlock Holmes, a brilliant but eccentric detective.  And by "detective," I mean "action hero."

JUDE LAW

And I'm a doctor, so I punch things.

EDDIE MARSAN

Sherlock Holmes, eh?  And how will you be playing such an iconic character?

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Well, I rescued my career from the grave with "cocky but charming" so I'm going with that.

EDDIE MARSAN

Alright.  Well Lord Mark Strong was buried here but his tomb has been opened and he's gone.  Can you use some of that classic deductive reasoning?

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

I don't really do reasoning.  Mostly I'm into cold-reading and borderline-autistic observation.

EDDIE MARSAN

So you're kind of a combination of John Edward and Rain Man?

JUDE LAW

With some Iron Man for personality!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. finds some clues but refuses to share them with the AUDIENCE so that nobody can play along, because what kind of MYSTERY MOVIE would let the audience actually try to solve the MYSTERY?

JUDE LAW

Robert, I'm worried.  So far this movie is playing out like an actual detective film.  We need to remember that this movie has been made for people with attention spans too short to read a 6-page short story.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

You're right! We need some pointless CGI, chase sequences, and fight scenes! To the London shipyard!

JUDE LAW

Great, what clues bring us there?

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

(hurried English mumbling)

JUDE LAW

Good enough for me!

There are some ACTION SEQUENCES and ROBERT gets into a FISTFIGHT!

JUDE LAW

Sherlock Holmes in a fistfight?  Really?

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

It's alright, during the fight I'm using what appears to be deductive reasoning to complete morons.

ROBERT wins the FIGHT against BAD GUYS while GUY RICHIE loses the FIGHT against REALISTIC-LOOKING CGI.

ROBERT and JUDE encounter RACHEL MCADAMS.

RACHEL MCADAMS

Hello again Robert.  It is I, a random female with whom you have a history.

JUDE LAW

Rachel McAdams?  You belong in this movie about as much as Downey at a Straight Edge convention.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Judging by the complete apathy in casting your role, I deduce that you are here almost exclusively to help set up a sequel.  Therefore you must be working for my adversary in the next film, Moriarty.

RACHEL MCADAMS

No shit, Sherlock.  He wants me to steal whatever device Lord Mark Strong is going to use in his next murder.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Then we must figure out the location of the murder and end the film before the audience figures out they've been duped into watching a prequel to a non-existent film!

ROBERT places a map on the floor and marks the location of each of MARK STRONG's murders.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Now, as you can see, the old murder spots draw a pentagram on a map.

JUDE LAW

Naturally.  Wouldn't be a poorly written detective movie about the occult without it.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

But more theology is needed to make this stuff seem truly mystical, so you may also notice that the newer set of murders draw three points of a cross!  Like in Christianity!

RACHEL MCADAMS

Brilliant!  More nonsense!

JUDE LAW

And look, along the line forming the west side of the cross are an infinite number of spots, one of which is Parliament!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

And Parliament is somehow connected to a Lion, which is connected to Eagles, Oxes, and Men!  Where are related to the Sphinx!  Which is a cool drawing I made on the floor!

RACHEL MCADAMS

My head is spinning from how dumb this all is!  To Parliament!

INT. PARLIAMENT

MARK STRONG has gathered the MEMBERS OF PARLIAMENT together.

MARK STRONG

I'm going to murder all of you unless someone explains to me how to loosen the collar on my fucking shirt!

ROBERT, RACHEL, and JUDE arrive and dismantle MARK'S MURDER DEVICE.  RACHEL then steals it and runs 3 miles to the TOWER BRIDGE in about 10 seconds.

MARK STRONG

Give me back my MurderGas, Mean Girls!

RACHEL MCADAMS

No! I'll never let it fall back into the wrong hands until I give it over to a different set of wrong hands!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

I've figured out everything you did, Mark!  And now I'm going to waste twenty minutes explaining all of it right before killing you!

He DOES.  MARK STRONG dies.

JUDE LAW

You cracked the case, Robert!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Not only that, but I've come to terms with the fact that you're moving out and getting engaged!

JUDE LAW

Wonderful!  I can't wait for the bachelor party you throw for me!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

You bet, old chap!  There'll be hookers, drugs, and me snorting cocaine off your dick!

JUDE LAW

Ha!  Wait, what?

END