FADE IN:

EXT. HOME OF KELSEY GRAMMER

Former WWE champion ADAM "EDGE" COPELAND waves and coughs through a cloud of CIGAR SMOKE to sit across from crime boss KELSEY GRAMMER.

KELSEY GRAMMER

Mr. Copeland, I presume. I understand you owe $40 million to

(actual line)

some very bad people.

ADAM COPELAND

You mean, you?

KELSEY GRAMMER

No, some other bad people.

ADAM COPELAND

Kane?

KELSEY GRAMMER

BAD PEOPLE. We're both criminals, okay? Bad people are all we know. So if you want to save yourself, here's the choice before you: get murdered right now, or spend 24 hours aboard a plane full of obnoxious weirdos and steal eleventy seventy bajillion dollars from them, most of which is in dogecoins and gift cards.

ADAM COPELAND

Yeah, I choose death over that.

KELSEY GRAMMER

But YOUR FAAAAM-WY.

ADAM COPELAND

Shit. Fine, I'll do it, but only if I can bring my crew: the white tech guy, the black tech guy, and the super-hot girl who can kick all our asses before breakfast.

KELSEY GRAMMER

Lita?

ADAM COPELAND

Let's just not go there.

INT. OBLIGATORY "SOMETHING TO LIVE FOR" SCENE

ADAM reads to his daughter, EMMA GORDON.

ADAM COPELAND

"And as Evil Dr. Thug lay motionless in the middle of the ring, the Rated-R Superstar proudly lifted the belt into the air, for he was the champion at last. The end."

EMMA GORDON

Daddy?

ADAM COPELAND

Yes, sweetie?

EMMA GORDON

Did Evil Dr. Thug ever come back?

ADAM COPELAND

Not exactly. He turned into Lame-Ass Dr. Poopjoke after that. Nighty night.

He exits. His wife, DENISE RICHARDS, awaits in their room.

ADAM COPELAND

You know, I used to picture going to bed with you a lot... but somehow it was different then. I mean, no offense.

DENISE RICHARDS

(shrugs)

None taken. I never once pictured going to bed with you.

ADAM COPELAND

That's fair. Well, don't get murdered while I'm gone.

DENISE RICHARDS

Don't get double-crossed or whatever.

ADAM exits the house. His old pal THOMAS JANE shows up.

ADAM COPELAND

(spears him)

THOMAS JANE

OWWW! What'd you do that for?

ADAM COPELAND

We're old pals in an action movie. Don't we have to fight and then laugh and get down to business?

THOMAS JANE

Is that how it works now? Okay, whatever you say.

(swings from a nearby chain and kicks him in the face)

Hahahahaha.

ADAM COPELAND

Chortle chortle. Anyway, would you mind keeping an eye on Emma and Denise while I do this job? Apparently their lives are as good as eleventy seventy bajillion dollars to Kelsey, so I'd feel better knowing they had a guy with a gun drone around.

THOMAS JANE

You know, I don't know what sounds dumber: "gun drone" or "Money Plane."

ADAM COPELAND

I feel like "gun drone" is closer to a thing that might exist one day.

THOMAS JANE

Don't give Pete Hegseth any ideas.

INT. UNDISCLOSED LOCATION THAT'S ALSO AN ENORMOUS BRIGHTLY LIT AIRPORT

ADAM assembles his CREW, which consists of KATRINA NORMAN, PATRICK LAMONT JR., and DIRECTOR/WRITER/THIRD BANANA ANDREW LAWRENCE.

ADAM COPELAND

Here's the plan: Katrina will disguise herself as a stewardess and--

KATRINA NORMAN

Excuse me, I think the term is "flight attendant" now.

ADAM COPELAND

Have you seen the uniform you're supposed to wear? Trust me, it's "stewardess." Anyway, you'll use the disguise to find the dogecoin and gift card hold. Once you do, Patrick will pretend to get the airport food shits and--

PATRICK LAMONT JR.

Can we not think of a better excuse for me to leave the cabin?

ADAM COPELAND

If you're trying to avoid humiliation, you've come to the wrong place. Anyway, you'll spend the rest of the flight hacking the dogecoins over to Andrew, who'll be here on the ground to receive it and remotely fix our devices as needed.

ANDREW LAWRENCE

But I wanna go on the plaaaaaaane!

ADAM COPELAND

Andrew, if we pull this off the way I've planned it, you can probably buy your own plane.

ANDREW LAWRENCE

A Money Plane?

ADAM COPELAND

You can paint dollar signs on it if you like. And because the pilots are apparently the real threat on board, I'll go to the cockpit and punch them out so I can take the controls.

PATRICK LAMONT JR.

Do you even know how to fly a plane?

ADAM COPELAND

I know holding the steering wheel steady is generally a good thing to do. Are we all clear?

KATRINA/PATRICK/ANDREW

(silent)

ADAM COPELAND

IMDb will not delete credits. Many have tried.

KATRINA/PATRICK/ANDREW

(grumble their agreement)

They all board the FUND FLYER CURRENCY CRAFT TREASURY TRAVELER MONEY PLANE, where they're greeted by JOEY LAWRENCE'S HAIRPLUGS.

JOEY LAWRENCE'S HAIRPLUGS

Welcome! You must be Mr. Hardcastle.

ADAM COPELAND

That's right. Sexton Hardcastle is my name, covertly transporting humans over international borders for fun and profit is my game.

(gestures to PATRICK)

My partner, Mo Bitches.

PATRICK LAMONT JR.

Charmed.

ADAM COPELAND

(discreetly elbows him)

PATRICK LAMONT JR.

I mean, charmed, motherfucker.

JOEY LAWRENCE'S HAIRPLUGS

Excellent, excellent. Just the sort of scum we like around here. As you can see, this narrow-body short-route liner is the largest plane we could afford to film on, and we just slapped up some curtains and furniture from a strip-mall dance studio in Cleveland. And since the rest of our budget went directly to my scalp, you'll have to accept artificial maple syrup in place of scotch. Is there anything we can do to make your journey more comfortable?

ADAM COPELAND

I'm guessing not.

JOEY LAWRENCE'S HAIRPLUGS

We do have a fine selection of in-flight prostitutes available, sir.

ADAM COPELAND

Seriously?

JOEY LAWRENCE'S HAIRPLUGS

Yes, seriously. To quote our brochure, when you go low, we go at least four circles of hell lower. May I invite you to join our esteemed manifest of arms dealers, drug lords, and Amway representatives for a round of the most obvious card game ever?

ADAM sits at the table, joining MATTHEW LAWRENCE'S FAKE MUSTACHE.

MATTHEW LAWRENCE'S FAKE MUSTACHE

WEEEEEEE DOGGIES! This here's my kinda action! They hadn't taken my duelin' pistols at the front, I'd be shootin' 'em up into the ceiling every six seconds!

(gets self killed within five minutes)

ADAM COPELAND

Thank fucking God.

(stands up)

JOEY LAWRENCE'S HAIRPLUGS

Is there anything else I can get you, Mr. Hardcastle?

ADAM COPELAND

Yes, actually, I'd like to visit the cockpit. It's, uh, my birthday. And I'll throw in one of my best Moldovan--

JOEY LAWRENCE'S HAIRPLUGS

No need for that, sir, you had me at "I'd like."

("casually" looks away and whistles)

Joined by KATRINA, ADAM strolls to the front and punches, headbutts, and wall-slams his way to the CONTROLS.

ADAM COPELAND

Ahhh, just like old times. What's next, Katrina?

KATRINA NORMAN

You sit here and fake your way through operating all this stuff for the next half-hour, and I do the rest of the fighting.

ADAM COPELAND

What?! Why'd they even hire an ex-wrestler if that's all the combat I get to do?

KATRINA NORMAN

Based on everything else we've seen so far... you came cheap.

She sneaks down into the HOLD, where SOME CREEPY BEARDO awaits.

SOME CREEPY BEARDO

I'm gonna fuckmurder you.

KATRINA NORMAN

Whatever.

She incapacitates him and breaks into the VAULT.

KATRINA NORMAN

(through earpiece)

Patrick, I'm gonna need your help hauling all these bulk stacks of gift cards and bales of cocaine.

PATRICK LAMONT JR.

(through earpiece)

Somehow that's more difficult than knocking out that guy despite being one-third his size?

KATRINA NORMAN

(through earpiece)

Would you rather sit through another round of bets on how long it takes to completely dissolve a scrotum in sulfuric acid?

PATRICK LAMONT JR.

(stands up and burps on purpose)

Oh, dear. I guess that shrimp cocktail disagreed with me. I must abscond to the facilities.

JOEY LAWRENCE'S HAIRPLUGS

Our sincerest apologies, Mr. Bitches. Simply a consequence of stocking our galley with whatever we found at the bottom of a 30-year-old chest freezer.

PATRICK joins KATRINA to move a DUFFEL BAG to the other side of a CLOSET.

ADAM COPELAND

(through earpiece)

Guys, I just got a call from Thomas. He found out that Kelsey has been setting us up.

PATRICK LAMONT JR.

(through earpiece)

Why would he do that?

ADAM COPELAND

(through earpiece)

For God's sake, Patrick, we're in a movie called MONEY PLANE. Stop asking why anyone is doing anything. Now we're going to continue with the stealing, but we're going to give everything we steal to worthy causes. Food banks. Animal shelters. Joey's hair treatments. That sort of thing. So keep going.

EXT. THE GROUND

Meanwhile, ANDREW sits in an open field where he's set up a bunch of ANTENNAS and CABLES and LAPTOPS and SHIT.

ANDREW LAWRENCE

(plays with toy plane)

"Whooooooosh! It's Andrew's Very Own Money Plane, coming in for a landing!"

(lands it in the dirt)

"Look, Joey and Matthew! I got my own plane! Do you got your own planes?" "Wow, Andrew, your plane is super-cool. Can we fly on your plane?" "HAHA! Nope! All mine!"

Suddenly he's surrounded by GOONS!

ANDREW LAWRENCE

NO! You can't have my plane! It's mine! MO-OMMMMMMMMMM!

But the GUN DRONE flies in to save the DAY!

GOONS

(all get shot)

ANDREW LAWRENCE

Did I do that?... I must have did it! I'm a hero! GO ANDREW! GO ANDREW!

GUN DRONE

(considers aiming at ANDREW)

(decides against it and flies off)

INT. WHERE THE REAL ACTION IS

ADAM sets up a ZOOM CALL with KELSEY.

KELSEY GRAMMER

Hello, Adam. I'm listening.

ADAM COPELAND

Yeah, they've been plying us with booze and tits and poker chips for hours, and I'm having a hard time remembering your identity, instructions, and motivation. Could you please restate that information as loudly and clearly as possible so I can execute properly?

(secretly turns on onboard PA system)

KELSEY GRAMMER

(clears throat)

(activates megaphone)

"My name is Kelsey Grammer. I am a crime boss. I have made a great deal of money from the crimes I've bossed. I have hired the three people who have never before boarded the Money Plane to rob it of all its real physical money and digital bullshit money post-haste, on pain of the murder of two innocent women and two innocent pets. If they fail to swindle the Money Plane's other passengers, who have all made their money through most unscrupulous means and are now gambling with that money in order to make more money, those first three people will continue to owe money to an unspecified third party, which is also known to murder people who fail to deliver money. In conclusion... power."

(lowers megaphone)

How's that?

ADAM COPELAND

(turns off PA)

Perfect. Thanks.

KELSEY GRAMMER

Hmm. That was a weird ask.

(puts away dry cleaning)

(reads newspaper)

(carries out execution-style slaying)

WAIT A MINUTE

EXT. ADAM'S HOUSE

More GOONS sneak in with the subtlety of VACUUM SALESMEN.

THOMAS JANE

(takes all but one of them out with a single handgun)

EMMA GORDON

(comes downstairs)

What are you doing, Uncle Thomas?

THOMAS JANE

Evidently, something so easy that even you could do it. Wanna try?

(tosses her the gun)

EMMA GORDON

(takes out the last GOON)

I did good?

THOMAS JANE

You did GREAT. I can't wait to tell your dad. Let's have some milk and cookies, huh?

INT. THE MONEY ROOM ON THE MONEY PLANE WHERE THEY LEFT THE MONEY BAG

ADAM joins PATRICK and KATRINA, who are frowning at the GIFT CARD DUFFEL.

KATRINA NORMAN

This thing weighs more than you do. How are we supposed to get it off the plane?

ADAM COPELAND

Fuck if I know. But we got the digital bullshit money, so we can just give that to charity.

PATRICK LAMONT JR.

Do charities even take digital bullshit money?

ADAM COPELAND

Patrick, what did I say earlier about internal logic? Let's just get out of here before everyone starts betting on how many deep-sea anglerfish bites it takes to reach bone marrow.

They strap on their PARACHUTES and bid farewell to the MOOLAH MACHINE MONEY PLANE.

KATRINA NORMAN

WAIT WHERE ARE WE LANDIIIIIIING

ADAM COPELAND

OH YEAH I FORGOT THAT PAAAAAAAAAART

INT. THE ENDING WE GOT

The MONEY PLANE GOONS arrived at KELSEY's house. He defended himself with an ASSAULT RIFLE and DEATH HOWL. Unfortunately, with his MOUTH so wide open, the goons were all able to aim directly for his UVULA.

The MONEY PLANE'S PASSENGERS just kept doing what they were doing, I guess.

ADAM vowed to end his life of GREED and DEPRAVITY for good. He kept this promise and let his WWE CONTRACT lapse three years later.

JOEY was kind enough to let ANDREW join him for FIVE MORE MOVIES YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF, which have also starred MATTHEW, THEIR MOM, JOEY'S WIFE, and JOEY'S DAUGHTER at varying times, officially making the LAWRENCES the most incestuous Hollywood family other than the COPPOLAS.

END

INT. THE SEQUEL SET-UP THAT ANDREW PROBABLY HAD IN MIND

DAVID HYDE PIERCE enters to see what's left of his older brother, KELSEY.

DAVID HYDE PIERCE

Oh, really, Kelsey, just LOOK what your blood and guts have done to our paintwork!

(begins wiping down the wall)

So it seems my dear late brother couldn't get the job done after all. Further proof that elevated age does not inevitably yield elevated wisdom.

He grimly dials a PHONE.

DAVID HYDE PIERCE

Get me Chris Jericho.

ASSISTANT

Uh, he's not available, sir.

DAVID HYDE PIERCE

Then get me his slightly less famous equivalent!

ASSISTANT

The fellow Kelsey hired, sir?

DAVID HYDE PIERCE

No! The other one!

ASSISTANT

That would be Christian, sir.

DAVID HYDE PIERCE

The name is immaterial! Just find a sandy-haired Canadian wrestler to take down the MONEY BOAT!

(slams down phone)