FADE IN:

INT. SMALL SOUTHERN TOWN

KATIE HOLMES

Look, I can do more than just Dawson's Creek, and to prove it I will fuck every man in this small Southern town. I rule!

Somebody KILLS KATIE HOLMES, although not nearly as soon into the movie as you might have expected, waiting just long enough to make everyone kind of BORED.

CATE BLANCHETT

I am psychic and I have three sons who will appear less and less often. I wonder who killed Katie Holmes?

KEANU REEVES

I am a redneck wife-beating racist who threatens violence against everyone I meet! Grrrr!

HILARY SWANK

I am his abused wife who consequently has a real mean streak and am just waiting to lash out at someone! Grrrrr!

GIOVANNI RIBISI

I am the town psycho and often act really violent! Grrrr!

GARY COLE

I am the evil D.A. who was having an affair with Katie Holmes, and whenever people visit my house thunder and lightning happen! Grrrrr!

J.K. SIMMONS

I am the hardassed sherriff who seems mostly okay, but I'm also the scary white supremacist from "Oz"! Grrrr!

GREG KINNEAR

I play the straight-laced principal who is really nice and can do big puppydog eyes.

CATE BLANCHETT

Hmm, who could be the killer?

AUDIENCE

Well, duh, maybe it's Greg Kinnear? Unless perhaps screenwriter Billy Bob Thornton and director Sam Raimi have something more original up their sleeve.

BILLY BOB THORNTON

Er, actually it is Greg Kinnear. But look, an overflowing bathtub!

AUDIENCE

Oh for fuck's sake. I'm going home to watch Evil Dead 2 and try and forget this whole sorry mess.

SAM RAIMI

I'm gonna direct Spiderman!!

END