FADE IN:

INT. DARK DINGY BASEMENT - SOMEWHERE IN PHILADELPHIA

ANYA TAYLOR-JOY wakes up to see HALEY LU RICHARDSON and JESSICA SULA cowering in fear across the room.

HALEY LU RICHARDSON

You're finally awake! Fuck, why did you just sit there when James McAvoy kidnapped us in the first two minutes of the movie?

ANYA TAYLOR-JOY

Well, the REAL reason is severe psychological trauma; but since we don't know that yet, let's say I just didn't expect the plot to kick in QUITE that fast.

JAMES MCAVOY bursts in and grabs JESSICA!

ANYA TAYLOR-JOY

Oh crap! Quick, Jessica, pee yourself!!

JAMES MCAVOY

Euyygh. Oh I get it, you thought I was gonna rape her, but now I won't want to. That makes sense, but despite this movie's plot ALREADY being crammed full of abuse and rape and stuff, I was just gonna watch her dance, apparently.

(leaves)

HALEY LU RICHARDSON

This is some bad shit. Next time he comes in, the three of us should rush him!

ANYA TAYLOR-JOY

I refer you to my aforementioned vast amount of paralyzing trauma?

JESSICA SULA

Well there's no way that Haley and I could attack him from both sides just by ourselves, so there goes that plan.

Eventually JAMES returns but now in a DRESS and HEELS. Some SNICKERING permeates the AUDIENCE at a level inversely proportional to its EMOTIONAL AGE.

JAMES MCAVOY

Hello, this is my "Patricia" self. Before, that was "Dennis". You see, I have Limited Understanding of Realworld Identity Disorders, or L.U.R.I.D. In total, I have 23 distinct personas, or "alters"!

ANYA TAYLOR-JOY

Holy crap. Are we going to have time to meet all 23?

JAMES MCAVOY

Oh, nowhere near that. We'll only get around to five, I think. But y'know, gotta save some for the inevitable sequels and team-up movies!

(grins)

ANYA TAYLOR-JOY

Whaaaat are you talking about--

JAMES MCAVOY

OH NOTHING! Ha ha ha. Anyway it's important to realize you cannot escape. After all, none of you can possibly hope to comprehend the extent of my traumatic past, putting you at an insurmountable disadvantage.

(leaves)

HALEY LU RICHARDSON

Dammit, he's right. We're hopelessly out of our depth here...

ANYA TAYLOR-JOY

Do either of you know the time? Every few hours I'm supposed to flashback to my uncle raping me in the woods when I was five.

JESSICA SULA

WHATTHEFUUUUCK

(vomits)

ANYA TAYLOR-JOY

Yeah in the real movie we build up to that, but it's kinda screamingly obvious right away so I figured we'd skip ahead.

INT. THERAPIST BETTY BUCKLEY'S OFFICE

JAMES arrives for a therapy session with BETTY.

JAMES MCAVOY

Hello! I'm perfectly totally fine, I don't even know why I requested a session, I guess to demonstrate how totally perfectly fine I am?

BETTY BUCKLEY

I'm suspicious. I think perhaps one of your alters emailed me to try and warn me, and you're another alter pretending to be the main alter.

JAMES MCAVOY

Well that's silly! If I'd done something terrible why wouldn't my alters call the police instead of emailing you?

BETTY BUCKLEY

Because-

JAMES MCAVOY

And if I'm now an evil alter in control, why wouldn't I just cancel instead of showing up?

BETTY BUCKLEY

Um-

JAMES MCAVOY

And why would I have evil alters anyway, since I created them to protect myself AGAINST evil? What made THEM evil?

BETTY BUCKLEY

Er-

JAMES MCAVOY

And besides, if you truly thought I was a serious danger to myself or others, you'd be obligated to contact the authorities, like a real-life therapist, right?

BETTY BUCKLEY

I see our time is up.

INT. DINGY BASEMENT PRISON

JAMES appears in the doorway all CROUCHED and SMALLIFYING himself.

JAMES MCAVOY

Hi! Sometimes I'm "Hedwig" who's a child, and I say "etcetera" a lot, the way kids use big words they don't fully understand!

ANYA TAYLOR-JOY

You mean how someone might write a whole movie around Disassociative Identity Disorder without-

JAMES MCAVOY

NOPE NOTHING LIKE THAT BYE

(leaves)

HALEY LU RICHARDSON

Hey, there's a hidden grate in the ceiling! That's an opportunity for exactly one of us to try and escape!

HALEY begins ESCAPING but then STOPS and hides in a LOCKER where she is RECAPTURED.

JAMES MCAVOY

Aaaand it's into a separate room for Haley! Would you other two like a sandwich? I'll make some!

JESSICA SULA

Hey, while James is distracted I can hit him with this heavy chair! What an opportunity for exactly one of us to try and escape!

JESSICA slams JAMES with the CHAIR and then she and ANYA pulverize his face till he is dead JESSICA runs a bit until she too is RECAPTURED.

JAMES MCAVOY

Aaaaand a separate room for Jessica! Wow, I had all these rooms I could have used right away.

INT. BETTY BUCKLEY'S OFFICE

BETTY is in a Skype conference with some bigshot therapists attending a bigshot therapy conference.

BETTY BUCKLEY

My theory is that the different alters inside James McAvoy can have different abilities and even physical characteristics. This could unlock the hidden potential of the brain!

BIGSHOT THERAPIST GUY

I gotta say, this is starting to sound dangerously like "we only use 10% of our brain" Lucy-type bullshit. Which, I might add, is bullshit.

BETTY BUCKLEY

But disassociation is a real and valid coping mechanism against trauma, what's wrong with simply wanting to sensationalize, er, explore that? I'm only trying to benefit my director's stalled career, I mean, um, science.

BIGSHOT THERAPIST GUY

Yeah we'll let you know.

(hangs up)

INT. DINGY BASEMENT PRISON

ANYA attempts to get "HEDWIG" JAMES to take her to a WINDOW but FAILS. Then she finds a WALKIE-TALKIE and tries to call for HELP but FAILS. Then she tries getting thrown back in her ROOM and SUCCEEDS! Having advanced the plot NOT AT ALL it falls to BETTY to arrive and try moving things along.

BETTY BUCKLEY

James, I got another 300 emails from you that all used different fonts and templates and watermarks. I really think that maybe something's up.

JAMES MCAVOY

Well yes. I'm going to manifest a whole new alter that will, for some unexplained reason, have strange supernatural powers and really tip this whole story firmly into Exploitationville.

BETTY BUCKLEY

This is concerning! I shall pad tissue into this lock, in case later on, some other person needs to get through this door, after it closes behind me! Now to find a nice closet to meditate in WHAT THE FUCK IT'S THE MISSING GIRL FROM THE NEWS HOLY SHIIIIIT

(is knocked out)

JAMES MCAVOY

Well even though she knows everything, there's no need to finish her off just yet. First I must go to meet... THE BEAST.

NICHOLAS HOULT

God damn, this continuity makes even LESS sense than usual. How old is Emma Frost this time?

JAMES MCAVOY

NO NO NO GO AWAY IT'S THE NAME OF MY NEW PERSONA JEEEEZ

JAMES leaves and ANYA is able to get to the COMPUTER ROOM and tries to get ONLINE.

ANYA TAYLOR-JOY

Shit, there's no Internet connection, just these video diaries of his various alters. Since the tension is really ramping up now, let's watch a few! Let's see... there's Patricia, Dennis, Hedwig, Aquaman, Flash, Cyborg... oh wait a sec! This video shows that Cyborg keeps his keys... right over here!

Meanwhile JAMES goes to the train station and enters BEAST MODE, then runs back just in time for BETTY to be regaining consciousness.

BETTY BUCKLEY

Only I know that saying McAvoy's proper name can snap him back to that personality! But rather than do this... I will write it down, in case some younger, more central protagonist needs this information!

JAMES MCAVOY

Rarrgh! You don't mind if I slowly crush you to death do you?!?

BETTY BUCKLEY

As long as you do it sloowwwwly I guess...

JAMES MCAVOY

Wait! Does that buy you time to say my proper name and save yourself?

BETTY BUCKLEY

It does, and yet, I won't.

(dies)

ANYA uses the KEYS to try and rescue the other girls, but finds JESSICA is DEEAADD and partly EATEN by JAMES!

ANYA TAYLOR-JOY

Damn, guess all those shots of you flailing with a coathanger at the lock were for nothing. But maybe Haley is still--

HALEY LU RICHARDSON

(being dragged off)

NOOOOOPE

(dies)

ANYA keeps searching and finds BETTY and the NOTE. After watching JAMES be all veiny and climb the walls for a bit, she USES the name and JAMES DE-BEASTIFIES.

JAMES MCAVOY

Oh dear. Is everything okay? I'm hoping I invited you over for steak tartar in chloroform sauce, given the taste in my mouth and the unconscious woman on the floor.

ANYA TAYLOR-JOY

Not so much.

JAMES MCAVOY

Shit. Well in that case, there's a shotgun over there you can kill me with. Better hurry before WHOOPSIE BEAST MODE AGAIN!!

JAMES chases ANYA down a long corridor, ripping her OUTER SHIRT off! ANYA ducks into a CAGE as JAMES catches up!

ANYA TAYLOR-JOY

Fuck you! You know the Shyamalan's Gun rule: if you introduce a shotgun in the second half of Act Three, it has to go off later in the second half of Act Three!

(shoots James)

JAMES MCAVOY

But a-ha, I've become impervious to shotguns! And I can bend steel, thusly! Now you die--

(stops)

Wait! Now that I finally see you without your outer shirt, which is odd seeing as how I've been compulsively taking shirts all movie long, I see you have many scars! Scars that represent your horrible trauma! You are a kindred spirit, and I release you.

(pause)

If only I'd seen that sooner, WOW that would have saved SOOOO much trouble.

(runs off)

ANYA TAYLOR-JOY

So I've had the key to my escape all along, and nothing I've done all movie has mattered. I don't defeat McAvoy or save either of the other two girls. How empowering.

ANYA slumps in a corner and next morning is found by a random EMPLOYEE, who leads her upstairs to reveal they are at...

EXT. ZOO

ANYA is led out through the ZOO.

ANYA TAYLOR-JOY

We're at a zoo!

MATT DAMON

(winks)

COP

It's okay Anya, your uncle's here to get you.

ANYA TAYLOR-JOY

OH HELLS NO. I think this look of determination I'm shooting your way is a pretty clear indication that I'm DONE with that, and now at long last we'll have that evil fuck get his just desserts as I resolve my agonizing storyline with--

BRUCE WILLIS

(barging in)

OR, we could suddenly introduce me as my "Unbreakable" character, and reveal this whole thing has been happening in the newly-created M-NIGHT CINEMATIC UNIVERSE YEAAHHHHHH!!!! Check out my awesome theme song that everybody totally remembers!

(grins)

ANYA TAYLOR-JOY

(pause)

Okay wait, seriously? This isn't some abridged-script bullshit we're throwing in to be absurdist and zany, like that Matt Damon thing? This is legit?

BRUCE WILLIS

Yup, this is one hundred percent really happening!! And the news gave McAvoy a supervillain name, "Horde", so I'm gonna have to take care of THAT!

ANYA TAYLOR-JOY

Two hours of psychological trauma and sexual abuse backstory all to set up some kind of Unbreakable Vs. Horde movie that nobody asked for?

BRUCE WILLIS

Yup!

ANYA TAYLOR-JOY

(pause)

But are we really--

BRUCE WILLIS

YUP

END