FADE IN:

EXT. THE 1 BILLIONTH COMIC BOOK MOVIE SET IN NEW YORK (AND THE 2 BILLIONTH SEQUEL)

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ is shooting at AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON with a GUN in a callback from the FIRST MOVIE.

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

My name is Kick-Ass, a superhero with no real powers aside from being a dork who gets his ass kicked. Basically my name is the opposite of what I do.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

And I'm Hit Girl. Aside from being the only one who kicks actual ass, my main ability is saying naughty grown-up words for full Rated R effect.

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Maybe we should go into a little more detail for the audience members who didn't see or don't remember the first movie?

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

What? Fuck those cunts. If you didn't see the first movie then you're not a member of our fan base and can go eat a bag of dirty Mandingo dicks.

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Now Chloë, I need you to teach me how to be a badass crime fighter like you.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Dude, I'm like 15.

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Yes, which in comic book reality means you can murder 12 dozen body builders with your pinky.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Fuck right I can. Now the first step to being a crime fighter is letting criminals beat the ever living shit out of you.

THIS HAPPENS.

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

(writhing in pain)

Ouchie. My ass is concave from all the kicking.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Wait, what happened to all those metal plates you had surgically implanted and your numbed sense of pain you got in the first movie?

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

I guess they didn't carry over to this one. And I get shirtless a dozen times and there's absolutely no bruising anywhere on my body from all the beatings I'm taking. So what's next?

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Now I must beat the shit out of you myself to prove how truly awful at fighting you are.

THIS HAPPENS.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Good. You have demonstrated that you can't even overpower a 15 year old girl. Now you are ready young grasshopper.

AARON and CHLOË FIGHT CRIME, much to the dismay of CHLOË'S FOSTER DAD OMARI HARDWICK MORRIS CHESTNUT.

MORRIS CHESTNUT

Chloë, please stop trying to be a hero.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

But I'm taking after my murdered dad Nicolas Cage!

MORRIS CHESTNUT

Yeah and look where it got him. Keep this up and pretty soon you will lose the ability to read scripts. This is basically your Ghost Rider 2.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Eeee, you're right. I'm done fighting crime. I think I'll just be a regular teenage girl who's obsessed with fitting in and listening to teen pop idols that make my lady parts tingle.

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

What? But that's bullshit! Without you to kill guys 3 times my size and 5 times yours I won't last a week!

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Tough shit.

AARON'S GIRLFRIEND

Aaron! Why are you hanging out with Chloë so much? Are you sleeping with her? Well fuck you asshole! We're through!

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Are you serious?! She's 15! Besides you know I'm Kick-Ass so you must know she's Hit Girl and that we fight crime together which would explain our hanging out. Are we really going with such a lame excuse to write your character out of the movie?

AARON'S GIRLFRIEND

(has no more scenes)

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Guess so. Well thanks a lot for not revealing my secret alter ego to anybody out of wounded anger!

AARON goes out to fight crime ALONE and promptly GETS HIS ASS HANDED TO HIM LIKE HE ALWAYS DOES, but he is rescued by a group of SUPER HERO COSPLAYERS led by JIM CARREY.

JIM CARREY

Holy shit is that really my name above this sentence?

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Yeah, I guess that explains where $20 million of the movie's $28 million budget went and why the production values look tantamount to a Hallmark Channel original movie.

JIM CARREY

Aaron, my team and I are a bunch of pathetic wannabee heroes just like you. Join us.

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

All-right!

SOME GIRL

And I'm your new girlfriend!

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

All-right! So what are you guys using to defend yourselves with?

JIM CARREY

Certainly not guns. No siree bob. No way no how.

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Huh? So are we just hoping all the criminals we'll fight will play fair and know not to use guns too?

JIM CARREY

Guns are dangerous weapons that kill, Aaron. Unlike baseball bats or attack dogs, which I will use to excess. Actually I do have a gun but it's not loaded because I abhor bullets as well as violence.

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

If you hate guns and violence so much why become a vigilante crime fighter? Or, you know, agree to be in this movie?

JIM CARREY

Because money, Aaron. Because money.

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Money you will gladly donate to the victims of gun violence, right?

JIM CARREY

Of course I will, Aaron. Let me just pull out the huge paycheck I got for this movie and sign it over to the victims of HAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA WHOOOOOOOOO!!!! Psych!

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Seriously?

SERIOUSLY.

Meanwhile...

INT. CHRISTOPHER MINTZ-PLASSE'S LAIR

CHRISTOPHER MINTZ-PLASSE is brooding over the death of his crime lord father in the FIRST MOVIE and being really EMO about it.

JOHN LEGUIZAMO

Chris, Aaron and his lame crime fighters beat up some of your lame stereotypical underlings.

CHRISTOPHER MINTZ-PLASSE

Don't call me Chris! From now on I will be known as... "The Motherfucker!"

THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENS.

JOHN LEGUIZAMO

Oh boy I can't wait to see what alternate name they dub over for the TV version.

(thinks)

"The Fairy Godmother?" No.

(thinks)

"The Monkey Fighter?" Nah.

(thinks)

"The Monday Fridayer?" Yeah, probably that one.

CHRISTOPHER MINTZ-PLASSE

I must assemble an equally lame group of costumed henchmen to destroy Aaron and his knock-off Justice League! I also need a cool new costume that expresses my evil super villainy. Go rummage through Marilyn Manson's trash and see what you can find.

JOHN LEGUIZAMO

On it.

Meanwhile...

INT. SWEET VALLEY HIGH

CHLOË tries to fit in with a clique of MEAN GIRLS who do what 40 HIGHLY TRAINED NINJAS with MACHINE GUNS could never do: MAKE CHLOË CRY.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Fuck this. Time to murder these bitches!

THE STUDIO

(after test screenings)

Or you could use that non-lethal stick thing from Minority Report that makes people vomit and avoid the whole "school violence" thing.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Huh? But where's the fun in that? Can't I at least punch the blonde one in the face or something? She kind of has it coming you know.

THE STUDIO

(checks with lawyers)

Nope. Cartoonish vomit humor still equals no bad press.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

(groans)

CHLOË gets revenge on the MEAN GIRLS by making them PUKE all over each other and making them SHIT a gallon of BAD CGI.

INT. JIM CARREY'S FORTRESS OF LAMEITUDE

CHRISTOPHER shows up with his MASKED HENCHMAN and they stab THE FUCK out of JIM.

FEMALE DOLPH LUNDGREN

Now I break you little man.

JIM CARREY

You know as much as I hate guns and bullets, seeing as that this is technically a home invasion, this would be the perfect situation in which to have both guns and bullets and use them in unison. Oh well.

(is murdered)

CHRISTOPHER MINTZ-PLASSE

That's right Aaron! I'm going to kill everyone you love! Or briefly worked with for a single day!

CHRISTOPHER discovers AARON'S secret identity and KILLS HIM KILLS HIS DAD INSTEAD.

CHRISTOPHER MINTZ-PLASSE

Welcome to the Dead Daddy Club, Aaron! Now I'm going to rape your new girlfriend!

FEMALE DOLPH LUNDGREN

Eh? Is this not silly action comedy? How is rape of innocent girl cause for laughing?

CHRISTOPHER MINTZ-PLASSE

Hey, you're right. Maybe I'll just attempt to rape her but don't only because I can't get it up. That's still pretty funny, right?

NO, it FUCKING ISN'T.

EXT. FUNERAL

AARON'S FATHER is being laid to rest.

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

So let's see. Jim was brutally murdered, my new girlfriend was attacked and nearly raped, and my dad was killed. If I didn't know any better I'd think somebody REALLY wants me dead.

CHRISTOPHER'S GOONS crash the funeral and kidnap AARON and escape in a VAN. CHLOË saves him by using her perfectly honed skill of HAVING SUPER HUMAN AGILITY.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

I interrogated the last surviving goon and he told me where Chris's lair is so let's go fuck his bitch ass up.

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Just the two of us? Is that smart? Chris actually has hardened criminals on his team with guns like that huge Russian chick and John Leguizamo!

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Actually John was unceremoniously killed off in a pointless deleted scene that reinserted itself back into the movie somehow.

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Well in the comic book we gather a bunch of masked heroes to fight Chris' masked villains in an epic bloody brawl with the cops on the streets of downtown.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Wow, that sounds cool! Let's do that!

THE STUDIO

(estimates budget costs for such a scene)

Yeah... how about we set that huge brawl in Chris's nice generic evil lair and cut way way down on the graphic violence instead?

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

What? Surely we set aside some money for the big finale!

THE STUDIO

We did, and it went into the pockets of the one cast member who refused to do any press for the film and who had roughly eight minutes of screentime.

INT. CHRIS'S MOM'S BASEMENT-- ERR, I MEAN CHRIS'S EVIL LAIR

AARON, CHLOË and their gang of UNTRAINED AND TOTALLY NOT DANGEROUS AT ALL heroes face off against CHRISTOPHER and his gang of SLIGHTLY MORE DANGEROUS BUT TOTALLY WEAK ASS villains.

FEMALE DOLPH LUNDGREN

I will break you little girl.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Holy shit, is that the chick who dated Flava Flav?

FEMALE DOLPH LUNDGREN

Yeeeeeah boiiiiiiiiiiyyyyyyy!!!

CHLOË and FEMALE DOLPH fight while AARON and CHRISTOPHER fight.

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

You killed my dad, bro!

CHRISTOPHER MINTZ-PLASSE

Hey you killed mine first!

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

But he was evil!

CHRISTOPHER MINTZ-PLASSE

Then you should have had him arrested! Not blown him up with a rocket launcher!

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Well he shouldn't have worn so much damn orange!

Everybody FIGHTS. It's like a RIOT at COMIC CON. But it's really hard to tell whose ASS is being KICKED by who because the CAMERAMAN has a severe case of PARKINSON'S.

DIRECTOR JEFF WADLOW

We couldn't afford a fight choreographer. Either that or I'm just a shitty director.

BOTH ANSWERS are CORRECT.

FEMALE DOLPH LUNDGREN beats the shit out of CHLOË because REALITY, but CHLOË wins by CHEATING.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

That's right! I tricked you into injecting me with adrenaline and beat you!

FEMALE DOLPH LUNDGREN

Is OK. You probably die from stroke at any moment.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

In communist Russia stroke has YOU!

FEMALE DOLPH LUNDGREN

(is murdered)

AARON and CHRISTOPHER wail on each other in a way that makes STAR WARS KID look like CHUCK NORRIS.

CHRISTOPHER finds himself dangling above his SHARK TANK. AARON tries to save him.

CHRISTOPHER MINTZ-PLASSE

Let me go, Aaron! I want to fall to my death!

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Why? Aren't you rich?

CHRISTOPHER MINTZ-PLASSE

Oh, good point. It would make more sense for me to let you save me and then just hire a hitman to kill you so I change my AGAGAGAGAGAGAAAKKKKK!!!!

(is eaten)

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

You mean we're actually going to show Chris getting ripped apart by a shark Deep Blue Sea style?

THE STUDIO

(checks budget)

How about a bubbling pool of Fruit Punch instead? That's just as cool to see, right?

NOT EVEN A LITTLE.

EXT. AARON'S HOUSE

CHLOË drives AARON home on her MOTORCYCLE which she probably learned to drive when she was FOUR.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

I'm dropping out of school and doing this super hero gig full time because I apparently have an endless supply of money somewhere and probably a British butler too. Now I am going to make out with you.

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Whoa whoa whoa, the movie may have forgotten that you're jail bait but I sure haven't. Besides I'm kind of into mature chicks, 20 years my senior at least.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Don't worry Aaron, I'll be 18 by the time Kick-Ass 3 rolls around!

THE BOX OFFICE

No way is that happening. You guys got your asses kicked by The Help 2

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

WHAT?! Thanks a lot Jim Carrey you dick!

END