FADE IN:

EXT. TAILOR’S SHOP

TARON EGERTON emerges from the SECRET SPY ENTRANCE to his SECRET SPY HEADQUARTERS, only to find EDWARD HOLCROFT waiting for him!

TARON EGERTON

Gasp, it’s the former Kingsman candidate who turned evil! I guess this demonstrates why you shouldn’t show people the locations of all your top-secret spy stuff BEFORE you actually hire-

EDWARD HOLCROFT

STOP TALKING ACTION SET PIECE NOW!

TARON EGERTON

But we’re only eleven seconds into-

EDWARD HOLCROFT

THIS TIME WE HAVE TEN TIMES THE BUDGET FOR STUNTS AND SPECIAL EFFECTS AND BY GOD WE ARE GOING TO USE EVERY CENT OF IT STARTING NOW!!!

And so TARON and EDWARD engage in an ELABORATE FIGHT SCENE involving EDWARD’S NEW ROBOT ARM, while at the SAME TIME having a HIGH OCTANE CAR CHASE with MULTIPLE PURSUERS and also it is a SHOOTOUT!

TARON EGERTON

Didn’t I blow your head up at the end of the first movie?

EDWARD HOLCROFT

We cover that, apparently the head-explosion chip in my head got fried so it blew off my arm instead.

(pause)

Hopefully the audience will be so distracted by how little sense that makes that they won’t even wonder how I managed to crawl to safety, out of Samuel L. Jackson’s base at the top of a mountain, with a gaping wound where my arm should be.

TARON manages to separate EDWARD from his ROBOT ARM and lose his PURSUERS, then contacts KINGSMAN SCIENCE GUY MARK STRONG.

MARK STRONG

So you say we’re being targeted by some unknown organization with unknown goals, that’s very well-funded and has inside information about the Kingsmen? Clearly this is something which could threaten all of our lives, we need to have an emergency meeting straight away! Bring that robot arm, it's the only piece of evidence we have of-

TARON EGERTON

Pffft, fuck that, I’ve got a date so I’m just gonna wander off home. Leaving the arm lying on the floor of my car. Smell ya later!

MARK STRONG

It’s times like these I really regret giving you “can literally look up any other agent’s home address on your computer” clearance.

After TARON heads off, the ROBOT ARM comes to life and starts HACKING THE CAR’S COMPUTER. Because apparently having his ass kicked and his arm torn off and getting thrown out of a moving vehicle was ALL PART OF EDWARD’S PLAN.

INT. FIFTIES-STYLE DINER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CAMBODIAN JUNGLE, IS THIS KOOKY ENOUGH

JULIANNE MOORE is giving a job interview to TOM BENEDICT KNIGHT.

JULIANNE MOORE

So why do you want to work for a cartel which managed to take over the entire global market for illegal drugs without anybody noticing somehow, whose headquarters is located here on a remote Cambodian mountainside, where due to my love of nostalgia I have created a compound themed around cornball 1950s Americana?

TOM BENEDICT KNIGHT

Huh? Do you always clumsily explain the entire premise behind your character when you meet prospective goons?

JULIANNE MOORE

Probably, I’m crraaaazy! To illustrate this, I will now force you to gruesomely murder your best friend. Then after you go get your teeth ground down, your fingerprints seared off, and molten gold poured onto your flesh, report back here to EAT your best friend.

TOM BENEDICT KNIGHT

WHY THE FUCK WOULD ANYBODY WORK FOR YOU?!

INT. SWEDISH PALACE

TARON is on a date, meeting the parents of his girlfriend, SWEDISH PRINCESS HANNA ALSTROM.

TARON EGERTON

Wait a minute, the Congratulatory Buttsex Princess from the first movie? That - that proved to be the foundation for a serious long-term relationship?

HANNA ALSTROM

Eh, just roll with it. Just like how your street punk friends must have rolled with it when you were suddenly dating actual royalty without explanation.

But then his SPY GLASSES receive LIVE FOOTAGE of JULIANNE’S MISSILES blowing up his HOME and his BOSS and his COLLEAGUES and his CHILDHOOD MATE and his BEST FRIEND and his DOG!

TARON EGERTON

NOOOO, MY EVERYTHING!!! Damn, I’m worse to be around than Martin Riggs and John Wick combined.

(heads off for exploded headquarters)

All right, bad guys, this time it’s personal! Very, very, very, very, like almost comically personal!!

EXT. TAILOR’S SHOP

While peering morosely at the RUBBLE, TARON is approached by MARK.

MARK STRONG

I’m afraid you’re the only agent the Kingsmen have left, since apparently every single other one of our globe-trotting superspies happened to be at home at the same time. But don’t worry, we have a doomsday protocol in a secret safe, which seemingly only I knew about so thank goodness they didn’t happen to kill ME or we’d be fucked.

They open the SAFE.

TARON EGERTON

What have we got? A clear set of instructions telling us who our American sister organization is, and how to contact them in a way that doesn’t risk them mistaking us for enemies and murdering us?

MARK STRONG

Actually it’s a bottle of whiskey, with a vague, tiny clue written on it in a place where you can only see it after you’ve gotten completely shitfaced.

TARON EGERTON

Practical!

They get DRUNK, get the CLUE and follow it to KENTUCKY.

INT. DISTILLERY, KENTUCKY

TARON and MARK try and break into the DISTILLERY from the CLUE, but are caught by CHANNING TATUM.

CHANNING TATUM

Welcome to the Kingsmen’s American counterpart, the Statesmen! We’re dedicated to being even more stereotypically American than you fellers are to being stereotypically British, so AH’M A COWBOY, YEE-HAW! Even our science lady is, just barely.

HALLE BERRY

I wear one of those stringy tie things so as to not completely ruin the theme!

CHANNING TATUM

Anyhow, since our organizations seem to have seriously not figured out any means at all for us to cooperate with each other or even know each other exists, I have to assume you’re here to rescue your fellow spy... COLIN FIRTH WHAAAT!

He activates a ONE-WAY MIRROR and shows them a STILL-ALIVE COLIN FIRTH in a PADDED CELL!

TARON EGERTON

Oh, THIS should be good. Yes, explain to us how he’s still alive after being shot in the head at point-blank range and then left in the middle of nowhere. I’m sure this won’t be contrived AT ALL.

EXT. KINGSMAN: THE SECRET SERVICE

SAMUEL L. JACKSON is pointing a gun at COLIN FIRTH.

THAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKTHON

I thuppothe you’re ekthpecting me to thtand here telling you my evil planth?

COLIN FIRTH

Er, isn’t that exactly what you were just-

(shot in head)

MEANWHILE, in some kind of STATESMAN LAB or something:

HALLE BERRY

Oh shit! Guys, you know how we have abnormal sonic wave detectors installed within range of that random isolated church? Well it just detected a bunch of abnormal sonic waves! We need to get there IMMEDIATELY, as abnormal sonic waves existing is a DIRE EMERGENCY!! Do we happen to have a helicopter already in the air, less than one minute away from that location?

CHANNING TATUM

Seems as we do. And of course it is fully stocked with our special big blue band-aids we have that can neutralize head bullets.

INT. STATESMAN HQ

TARON is facepalming so hard he is in serious danger of crushing his own skull.

TARON EGERTON

Yeah, that makes a whole lot of sense. You do realize we not only just made this movie a whole bunch stupider, but also retroactively cancelled out the first film’s single most ballsy move, right?

HALLE BERRY

Hey, our hands were tied. The studio execs had a whiteboard labelled “What people liked about the first movie”, and the first two things they put on the list were “Colin Firth” and “cartoony CGI action”.

(pause)

And down in the bottom corner you could kinda make out a partially-erased scribble that said “smart and subversive parody of genre conventions”, but there’s no place for THAT kind of thinking in studio sequel logic.

CHANNING TATUM

We’ve been keeping Colin prisoner all this time because we could see he was clearly some kind of dangerous spy, but we had no way of knowing who he works for. Why, as far as we knew he might have been involved with whoever blew up the president’s head a couple years back!

TARON EGERTON

Eh heh.

(whistles innocently)

HALLE BERRY

We couldn’t even question him because he has standard movie amnesia. Maybe he could remember his past if we recreated a trauma he went through?

MARK STRONG

I don’t suppose you have any way of making Mark Hamill’s head explode all over him again? Nah, that was a long shot. How about the time from his training he was stuck in a flooding room, then?

HALLE BERRY

Worth a try!

She PRESSES A BUTTON and A THOUSAND GALLONS OF WATER comes out of the CELL FLOOR, but this doesn’t make COLIN’S MEMORY come back.

TARON EGERTON

WHY THE FUCK WAS THE ROOM ALREADY SET UP TO DO THAT?!

INT. MEETING ROOM

TARON, MARK, CHANNING and HALLE are brought in to meet Statesman agent PEDRO PASCAL and Statesman boss JEFF BRIDGES.

JEFF BRIDGES

All right, let’s make this quick, the studio only paid for one afternoon of my time so all you get is me in this one room phoning in about a dozen lines. Make the most of it.

CHANNING TATUM

Wait, you mean all they need from us famous actors is a couple scenes to use as trailer fodder? Fuck it then, I’ve done my quota.

(goes into coma for remainder of movie)

TARON EGERTON

Well anyway, we’re trying to figure out who blew up the Kingsmen. Edward’s girlfriend tweeted that she’s going to the Glastonbury Music Festival, so we’ll go there and plant a bug on her.

MARK STRONG

Good thing Julianne sent a guy who we recognize on sight and have detailed background information for! If she’d just sent some random goon we’d have no leads and be screwed.

EXT. GLASTONBURY MUSIC FESTIVAL

TARON and PEDRO go to the FESTIVAL to find POPPY DELEVINGNGNGNNNE - fuck, there’s ANOTHER actress with that stupid impossible-to-spell surname?!

PEDRO PASCAL

So we need to get this microscopic tracker into her bloodstream. It’s designed to be absorbed through a mucous membrane.

TARON EGERTON

Mucous membrane, huh? Fine then, we just need her to breathe it in, this’ll be easy.

PEDRO PASCAL

NO YOU MUST USE YOUR FINGER TO INSERT IT INTO HER VAGINA, IT IS THE ONLY WAY.

TARON EGERTON

What? That’s a terrible plan! What if neither of us is somebody she feels like immediately jumping in the sack with?

PEDRO PASCAL

True, but since we made the buttsex princess retroactively less gratuitous and offputting, we need to balance it out somehow.

TARON EGERTON

Oh, speaking of buttsex princesses-

(phones Hanna)

Hi honey! Just wanted to get a quick okay on my fucking some chick. Thought I’d ask because I want to be sensitive and respectful before I shove some surveillance equipment up an unwitting stranger’s cooch.

HANNA ALSTROM

So if I don’t give you the all clear to screw another woman I’ll be endangering international security? Well fine then, two can play the sex blackmail game: you can go ahead IF you and me get engaged. YOUR MOVE!

TARON EGERTON

Urp! You know what, I’d love to, but as a spy I can’t be a public figure like that! I need the media to keep ignoring me, as they always do with cinderella-story peasants who wind up romantically involved with princesses.

HANNA hangs up in a huff. TARON tries to compromise by only slipping his fingers one micrometer up POPPY before BAILING, but HANNA still refuses to answer his texts.

TARON EGERTON

Damn. I wonder if Hallmark makes a “FWIW I managed to keep it down to a light fingering” card?

(epiphanies)

Ooh, on a happier note though, I just figured out how to make Colin’s memory come back! I’ll just swing through the nearest random pet store first, happily assuming they’ll have a purebred cairn terrier puppy on hand.

(they do)

Convenient AND likely!

TARON brings COLIN the PUPPY and a GUN.

TARON EGERTON

Hey, remember this trauma, Colin? Shoot this dog in his fuzzy wuzzy widdle face!

COLIN FIRTH

(un-amnesias)

Gasp, I remember it all now! I’m a guy who once attempted to murder a puppy so as to secure a career as a ruthless assassin! I have no family or close personal ties because I devoted my life to a spy organization which is now destroyed, all my friends are dead and so is my dog WHY THE FUCK DID YOU MAKE ME REMEMBER THIS

INT. STATESMAN HQ

Later in the MEETING ROOM, HALLE is explaining about CHANNING’S COMA.

HALLE BERRY

Seems recreational drug takers the world over are breaking out in a veiny blue rash. They’re going into a mad panic, and the CDC is-

(checks her notes)

No, wait, apparently all that’s happening is the sick people are finding it amusing and tweeting pics accompanied by the hashtag “#BlueRash”. That’s... not a thing that would happen.

Suddenly JULIANNE shows up on EVERY TV SCREEN IN THE WORLD, somehow.

JULIANNE MOORE

What up, planet Earth! Just letting you know that I spiked all the drugs in the world with a deadly virus and tens of millions are already infected. I’ll release the antidote if the American President pardons me and makes drugs legal, which uh, he can do on a global scale, right?

TARON EGERTON

Let me get this straight: you currently have a worldwide monopoly on the drug trade and make twenty-five billion dollars a year. But now you want to change the laws so that Big Pharma can legally grab a share of the market, whilst killing so many of your own customers that the remainder will say “If I ever buy drugs again, it DEFINITELY won’t be from the crazy lady who nearly made my eyeballs explode”?

JULIANNE MOORE

Good thing I couldn’t hear that, otherwise I might start to realize my plan is even dumber than the rage phones from the first movie.

HALLE BERRY

This is bad, guys! Fortunately we’re just now intercepting a plot-advancing conversation between Edward and Poppy.

POPPY DELEVINGNE

(heard through tracker)

Edward, help! I took some of those drugs and now I too look like a five-year-old scribbled on me with a blue marker!

EDWARD HOLCROFT

(heard through tracker)

While the simplest solution would be for me to just bring you the antidote, instead I’ll get you to come directly to our top-secret hidden antidote factory. Need the address?

TARON EGERTON

Neat! Although I have no idea how the tracker could clearly hear both sides of that phone call from inside Poppy’s bloodstream.

EXT. MOUNTAINSIDE FACILITY IN ITALY

TARON, PEDRO and COLIN go to sneak into the ANTIDOTE FACTORY.

COLIN FIRTH

All right, there are like a million billion vials of that antidote in there, just antidote all over the place, so there are any number of clever clandestine methods we could use to snag one of them for Mark to reverse-engineer.

TARON EGERTON

Such as me just wandering out onto the main floor and asking the staff to give us one?

COLIN FIRTH

Well yes, if we were to list our options beginning with the stupidest and clumsiest ones, that would certainly-

TARON EGERTON

(bursts in)

Hello, all! I’m your good friend Mr. Notaspy, I’m here to take the stuff to the place, gimme.

EDWARD HOLCROFT

DUDE.

TARON EGERTON

Oh, right. You’re here. Uh.

(grabs antidote)

Yoink!

(skedaddles)

TARON and PEDRO get away in an AERIAL TRAM.

TARON EGERTON

Ha, now that we’re trapped in this slow-moving glass cage over a five-hundred-foot drop, nothing can harm us! In fact I won’t even secure this vial in a pocket or anything but continue to casually hold it-

The TRAM starts SPINNING AROUND AT CENTRIFUGAL SPEEDS, because THAT’S something you should design an aerial tram to be able to do!

TARON EGERTON

Crap, Edward’s remotely controlling the tram! Oh I know, I’ll just override him by using my spy watch which “can hack anything with a microchip”.

PEDRO PASCAL

Woah, just hold on now pardner, it’s not time to pay off that Chekov’s gun just yet. Instead I’ll use another gimmick we foreshadowed: my lasso’s electrified burns-through-anything setting!

(pause)

Wait, we did remember to let the audience know this was a thing, right? No? Just pulling it out of our asses right this moment? Okay then.

His LASSO burns a hole in the TRAM, then through the WIRES holding up the TRAM, causing them to CRASH down a MOUNTAINSIDE!

TARON EGERTON

Phew, we survived! And somehow the vial is still intact, which is good reason for me to just keep holding it loosely in one hand-

PEDRO PASCAL

LOOK OUT, A FUCKTON OF GUNMEN!

PEDRO pushes TARON to the ground and proceeds to kill all the GUNMEN, but the VIAL is SMASHED!

COLIN FIRTH

I think that was deliberate! I have suspicions that Pedro is sabotaging us, so I will now knock him out with one of those amnesia darts that we have! By which I mean I will shoot him in the fucking head with one of those non-amnesia bullets that we have.

(kills Pedro)

TARON EGERTON

COLIN YOU CRAZY IDIOT! Oh well, good thing we brought those laughable anti-headshot bandaids into continuity.

(un-kills Pedro)

INT. STATESMAN HQ

COLIN and TARON return an unconscious PEDRO to base, and deliver the next clue to MARK.

MARK STRONG

Fortunately while Taron was inside the antidote factory, one guy said one name. We tracked down the dude with the name, hacked his email, and found communications from Julianne’s place in Cambodia! Apparently an organizational genius sitting on a trillion dollars worth of drug money never heard of untraceable email accounts.

COLIN FIRTH

All right, let’s us three go to Julianne’s compound!

TARON EGERTON

My team is a tech nerd and a guy recovering from a brain injury? Er, you don’t think maybe I should solo this one?

COLIN FIRTH

Don’t worry, my brain problems all just magically went away of their own accord as of... nnnnnNOW.

EXT. JULIANNE’S COMPOUND

TARON, COLIN and MARK approach JULIANNE’S KITSCHY JUNGLE VILLAGE.

MARK STRONG

Bad news is, she’s got mines all around the compound. Good news is, I’ve got an ingenious spy gadget to counter this: behold, a minesweeper cleverly disguised to look like an innocent baseball bat!

COLIN FIRTH

...You do realize that unless you’re actually playing baseball, a baseball bat is the exact opposite of innocent, right? What else you got, a camera disguised as an innocent scimitar?

TARON EGERTON

It’s fine, the important thing is now we’ll get through the minefield all right-

(steps on mine)

Oh, step where the mines AREN’T. Sorry, I misunderstood.

MARK STRONG

Don’t worry, as a tech genius who knew we were coming into a mine field, I obviously have prepared emergency measures-

(switches places with Taron)

See? Now GET THE FUCK AWAY BEFORE I EXPLODE!

TARON EGERTON

Are you kidding me? We’re claiming this franchise’s super-genius sci-fi gadget master can’t defuse a bomb?

MARK STRONG

Oh well, I’m sure if there’s a third movie they’ll retcon in that I got revived by anti-explosion spray or something. Now lay low while I take this opportunity to take out some guards. HEY GUARDS! YOOHOO!

(starts singing loudly)

GUARD #1

A stranger has appeared outside our high-security crime fortress and is acting suspiciously? I guess I’d better walk right up to him and-

(punched out)

OTHER GUARDS

This stranger is showing himself to be hostile! He was just luring that guard towards him so he could enact violence upon him!! LET’S NOT SHOOT HIM WITH OUR MACHINE GUNS BUT INSTEAD ALSO WALK RIGHT UP TO HIM AND-

(blown up)

TARON EGERTON

Yeah, thanks Mark. Really glad you took out some guards so dumb, we probably could have just handed them lit sticks of dynamite and walked away.

They head into the COMPOUND where JULIANNE sends all of her FORCES after them.

TARON EGERTON

Oh crap! What are we gonna do about Edward’s robot arm and the robot dogs and the robot beautician and oh wait.

(uses watch to insta-hack Edward’s arm)

Yeah, this watch basically becomes a cheat code at this point. How about you, Colin? Just gonna use your watch against the other robots, which presumably also have microchips, and win instantly?

COLIN FIRTH

Nah, that’d be boring. So instead I’m taking out the android beautician with my umbrella rifle, and then fighting the robot dog with a bowling ball, assisted by Kung Fu Elton John.

TARON EGERTON

...Okay, now I’m picturing that studio whiteboard again, and thinking that it has “KOOKINESS” written on it in three-foot-tall letters, underlined eight times.

After defeating the various ROBO-MINIONS, TARON and COLIN go to JULIANNE and inject her with her own DRUGS.

COLIN FIRTH

According to your ransom demands, all you have to do is put a password into your computer and the antidote will be delivered by drones - presumably millions of drones you’ve stashed all around the world without anybody noticing, which are somehow programmed with the locations of every drug user on the planet, let’s not get into the logistics here. Now you’ve been infected, so you’ll have to give us the code so you can get the antidote yourself. Check and mate!

JULIANNE MOORE

(rolls eyes)

Oh yes, because clearly I put ALL the antidote into the drones and kept NO emergency supply for myself. When handling experimental viruses, CLEARLY you want the cure to be something you can’t access without screwing up your entire evil scheme.

(giggles)

But in the spirit of my character being totally off her nut and not really making any sense, I might as well give you the code anyway! It’s “crazystupidvillain”, all one word, and-

(dies of overdose)

COLIN FIRTH

Oh, we win! Huh. That was anticlimactic. Well I guess we’ll just-

PEDRO PASCAL

(bursting in, whipping and lassoing everything in sight)

Not so fast! Did you forget about the sideplot where I’m a traitor?

COLIN FIRTH

Honestly, yes. Mostly because it’s completely unnecessary and could be removed altogether without affecting the main plot.

PEDRO PASCAL

Yeah, well, so could you! If we didn’t bring your character in at all, the rest of the movie could still happen more or less unaltered.

COLIN FIRTH

Come to think of it, that’s also true of Edward’s grudge against Taron. And Taron’s relationship issues. And the evil president, and Halle’s dreams of being a field agent, neither of which even made it into this script.

PEDRO PASCAL

(scratches head)

So why was this movie two and a half hours long then? If pretty much any given subplot lifts right out, why didn’t we lift some of them out and save a few audience bladders from exploding?

COLIN FIRTH

I don’t know. Because that would have left us with just the main plotline, which is easily the worst, stupidest part of this movie?

PEDRO PASCAL

Probably. Anyway, I want Julianne’s junkie genocide to succeed, because my wife was killed by a couple of meth-heads. I hate every part of the drug trade SO MUCH! And this is probably the ideal place for some kind of Narcos reference, but the author of this script hasn’t ever seen that show, so we’ll leave this space here for you to write in your own. _________________________________ _________________________________

COLIN FIRTH

Oh, so you’re only acting out of grief? You poor man. You’ve clearly got some emotional issues, so let’s just quietly amnesia-dart you and-

TARON EGERTON

(shoves Pedro through a giant mincer)

COLIN FIRTH

Or that could happen. We really have something against amnesia-darting Pedro, huh?

INT. STATESMAN HQ

Back at the DISTILLERY, everybody gathers for the WRAP-UP.

JEFF BRIDGES

So all the junkies got cured, including Channing! And now we’re giving the Kingsmen a couple billion dollars so you can get back on your feet. OKAY THAT’S IT I SAID ALL MY LINES BYE

(leaves)

COLIN FIRTH

Hooray, the Kingsmen are back! If you disregard the fact that literally only two members of the entire organization are still alive.

TARON EGERTON

And I caved on Hanna’s marriage blackmail and now I’m off to have a royal wedding!

COLIN FIRTH

Steady on, mate. You know this franchise, aren’t you worried that you marrying this girl will guarantee that she’ll get incinerated by an orbital strike in the first act of Kingsman 3?

TARON EGERTON

(checks box office for Kingsman 2)

I seriously don’t think that’ll be an issue.

END.