FADE IN:

EXT. NEW YORK CITY - 1933

NAOMI WATTS looks for a part in a play.

NAOMI WATTS

I'm too good to be poor like everyone else, but please sympathize with me as I try to look for work in the entertainment industry.

JACK BLACK

Naomi Watts! I'm shooting a movie, would you like to star in it?

NAOMI WATTS

No.

(pause)

Okay.

JACK BLACK

Please try to pretend you're not singing Tenacious D lyrics in your head every time you look at me.

They gather a crew of boring individuals and set sail for SKULL ISLAND.

EXT. BOAT

JACK BLACK, NAOMI WATTS, ADRIAN BRODY, and a handful of DOOMED EXTRAS mill about the ship. Almost nothing else happens.

ADRIAN BRODY'S NOSE

I think I am falling in love with you, Naomi Watts. It may have something to do with you being the only female on the ship, though.

NAOMI WATTS

I am falling for you as well, because I respect your writing so much.

ADRIAN BRODY'S NOSE

Every successful relationship is built on unwavering worship.

Suddenly, they arrive at SKULL ISLAND. They are accosted by natives, but a slight attempt is made to minimize the racism of the 1933 original film. NAOMI WATTS is captured!

ADRIAN BRODY'S NOSE

We must rescue her very slowly!

DOOMED CREW

Let's go!

They trek into the jungle to find Naomi, who has been captured by KING KONG. KONG runs through the jungle, clutching NAOMI tightly.

NAOMI WATTS

Wow, I thought it was amazing when my arms weren't snapped clean off when you pulled me out of those ropes by yanking my entire body, but the fact that I haven't passed out from the constant movement of being in your hand is truly unbelievable. Skinny blonde women must be made of pure steel.

KING KONG

Rawr.

JACK BLACK, ADRIAN BRODY, and the DOOMED CREW discover a pack of APATOSAURUSES. Suddenly, the dinosaurs are spooked by RAPTORS and stampede elsewhere, somehow managing to almost completely avoid stepping on everyone.

ADRIAN BRODY'S NOSE

Wow, these are the most polite dinosaurs ever.

JACK BLACK

And apparently human beings can, for the most part, outrun Velociraptors.

The STAMPEDE CEASES and everyone collects themselves.

JACK BLACK

Did we lose anyone?

DOOMED CREW CAPTAIN

Looks like three generic members of my doomed crew.

JACK BLACK

Onward, then.

They trek deeper into the jungle, only to run into KING KONG, who shakes the bridge they are crossing, causing them to fall into a ravine below. Members of the DOOMED CREW get eaten.

JACK BLACK

This 20 minute sequence is a reference to the original film, where a similar scene took place but was cut because audiences found it too grisly. While other cut scenes have been found and restored, this scene never was, making its inclusion in the movie a reference to an interesting bit of King Kong trivia.

ADRIAN BRODY'S NOSE

Interesting to who?

JACK BLACK

Director Peter Jackson, primarily.

ADRIAN BRODY'S NOSE

Oh. Because the audience members are on their second trip to the bathroom right now. We may want to get on with things.

Meanwhile, NAOMI WATTS dances in front of ANDY SERKIS ON STILTS, who will later be replaced by a CGI KING KONG.

NAOMI WATTS

I feel so stupid without the actual ape being present while I do this scene.

ANDY SERKIS

Yeah, but if it were here, you'd realize that you're doing a scene in which you fall in love with a giant ape.

Suddenly, ADRIAN BRODY appears and rescues NAOMI. They run, apparently successfully, away from KING KONG. They lead him back to the shore, where he is captured by JACK BLACK and WHAT REMAINS OF THE DOOMED CREW.

JACK BLACK

Yes! King Kong is mine! Now to take him back to New York and become a thousandare!

ADRIAN BRODY'S NOSE

Are we even pretending that anyone thought of how we'll actually transport him back? We only have so much chloroform, and it seems like King Kong is almost as big as our ship itself.

JACK BLACK

Good point. Maybe if we wait long enough, the scene will just change to New York and we won't have to deal with this problem.

CUT TO:

INT. NEW YORK CITY

JACK BLACK

Phew.

JACK BLACK unveils KING KONG for an audience. He is chained up, but his shackles are clearly inadequate, not that this worries the audience too much. Suddenly, KONG ESCAPES.

JACK BLACK

Fucking American steel industry.

KING KONG finds NAOMI WATTS and they go SKATING IN THE PARK. Really. Suddenly, the MILITARY COCKBLOCKS KONG, so he climbs to the top of the EMPIRE STATE BUILDING. ADRIAN BRODY climbs up as well.

ADRIAN BRODY'S NOSE

Naomi! Come down from there! I love you!

NAOMI WATTS

I'm sorry, Adrian! I'm in love with this ape.

ADRIAN BRODY'S NOSE

Then I shall write a play for you in which you fall in love with an ape!

NAOMI WATTS

Are you crazy? Who would watch a human woman fall in love with an ape and think of it as anything but a ridiculous joke? Seriously, it would be completely absurd!

ADRIAN BRODY'S NOSE

What if I made it a three hour long play so that people forget what they're actually watching?

NAOMI WATTS

That would only make matters worse! The pretentiousness of a three hour story about a woman and an ape ought to be enough to kill the careers of everyone involved!

It DOESN'T. Suddenly, PLANES shoot at KING KONG and he falls and dies.

NAOMI WATTS

Oh. I guess I'm in love with you now, after all.

They climb down. NEW YORKERS stand over KONG.

RANDOM NEW YORKER

Some king. Couldn't even take a couple shots from planes.

JACK BLACK

It wasn't the planes that killed him. It was beauty that killed the beast.

NAOMI WATTS

Actually I'm pretty sure you killed him, since you kidnapped him from his home and dragged him here in the first place.

JACK BLACK

Yeah. Who did you think I meant by 'beauty'? Me, baby. Me! Take it, Rage!

KYLE GASS shows up and plays guitar.

JACK BLACK

Kiiiiiiiiing Koooooooong! Fucking King Kong, Motherfucker! We're fucking talking King Kong! We're fucking talking King Bong! We fucking sing this King Song! Yeah!

END