FADE IN:

INT. AIRPLANE ON ITS WAY TO DISASTER -- ERR, THAILAND -- 2004

Married couple NAOMI WATTS and EWAN MCGREGOR are on Christmas Holiday with their THREE SONS.

EWAN MCGREGOR

Como estas, Naomi.

NAOMI WATTS

Why are you speaking Spanish?

EWAN MCGREGOR

This story is based on a Spanish family, financed by a Spanish company, written and directed by Spanish filmmakers, and the official title is in Spanish so I just assumed.

NAOMI WATTS

Apparently no one was interested in making a big budget disaster film with Spanish actors, not even the Spanish.

EWAN MCGREGOR

No matter. I'm sure all our dialog will be dubbed over by hilarious Spanish voice actors when the film plays in Spanish cinemas.

THIS HAPPENS.

The plane is suddenly rocked by OMINOUS TURBULENCE.

EWAN MCGREGOR

I hope God wasn't just trying to kill us.

NAOMI WATTS

It's going to take a lot more than that to kill this family.

GOD

Challenge accepted.

INT. OCEAN RESORT - THAILAND

THAI CONCIERGE

Welcome to your room, which is completely new and unused. There's even plastic on the light switches.

NAOMI WATTS

Yes yes, but how safe is it?

THAI CONCIERGE

This resort can withstand fire, hurricanes, and earthquakes.

EWAN MCGREGOR

What about water damage?

THAI CONCIERGE

Oh look at the time. I and every other Thai citizen in the country must be leaving the movie now. Enjoy your stay!

(sprouts wings and flies away)

NAOMI, EWAN and their SONS enter the WORST FUCKING TIME TO BE IN THAILAND SWEEPSTAKES and win a brand new TSUNAMI.

NAOMI WATTS

Not to worry! I will use my magical diary to create a protective barrier around myself that will stop the

(is swept away)

TSUNAMI

Fuck you, Naomi.

NAOMI is trapped UNDER WATER and is hit by some DEBRIS.

DEBRIS

Fuck you, Naomi.

A branch stabs NAOMI in the LEG.

BRANCH

Fuck your leg, Naomi.

NAOMI SURFACES and grabs on to a tree when she sees her eldest son TOM HOLLAND being swept away.

NAOMI WATTS

Hold on Tom! Mommy will save you!

NAOMI lets go of the tree and heroically saves her son is swept away by the rushing water because TSUNAMI, REMEMBER? She also gets stabbed by MORE BRANCHES.

NAOMI WATTS

WHY DO BRANCHES HATE ME SO MUCH?!

TOM manages to grab onto some DEBRIS.

NAOMI WATTS

Tom! Just stay there! Don't let go! Mom will

(drowning)

TOM HOLLAND

Oh for chrissakes.

TOM lets go of the debris and heroically saves his mother is immediately swept away by the rushing water because FUCKING TSUNAMI, PEOPLE.

NAOMI WATTS

The fuck, Tom?! I thought I told you to stay put!

TOM HOLLAND

But mom! I was just trying to save you!

NAOMI WATTS

By putting yourself back in danger and being aimlessly swept away along with me? If we survive this you are definitely riding the short plane back home.

NAOMI and TOM manage to grab onto a floating MATTRESS, which promptly gives them both THE FINGER.

MATTRESS

Eat my ass, Naomi.

Eventually the TSUNAMI gets tired of humping THAILAND and recedes.

NAOMI WATTS

Tom, we should go look for your father and brothers.

TOM HOLLAND

Don't be stupid, mom. They're dead. No one could survive something like that! I mean except for us of course.

NAOMI WATTS

Jesus. What crawled up your ass and made you such a doubtful little shit?

TOM HOLLAND

Oh I'll give you a hint. It's big and wide and rhymes with "smoosmomi"

NAOMI and TOM find a TODDLER.

TOM HOLLAND

Holy shit, a toddler survived this horrific disaster? Maybe I should take this as a good sign that the rest of my family may have also survived?

NAOMI WATTS

No, you're still too much of a snotty little dipshit for that.

TOM HOLLAND

Hey, why isn't the little kid saying anything to us?

NAOMI WATTS

Because he doesn't speak English, which means he is forbidden from saying anything at all, even in his own language.

TOM HOLLAND

We should take him with us. In case we, you know, get hungry.

NAOMI WATTS

What?

TOM HOLLAND

Nothing.

(pause)

I'm just saying he looks pretty tasty. And it's not like we wouldn't be able to get away with it.

NAOMI WATTS

WHAT?!

TOM HOLLAND

Nothing.

NAOMI, TOM and MUTE TODDLER climb up a tree and onto a BRANCH which, surprisingly, does NOT try to stab NAOMI to death.

NAOMI WATTS

Phew. It seems all this nearly being drowned and killed by branches has made me thirsty.

TOM HOLLAND

Luckily this disaster is brought to you by Coca Cola. Coca Cola, the official drink of disaster survivors.

NAOMI WATTS

That product placement was as refreshing as it was distasteful.

Then they are found by some ELDERLY THAI PEOPLE.

NAOMI WATTS

Oh thank God! My wounds are getting infected! You have to get me to a hospital fast!

ELDERLY THAI MAN

Well my car is about 40 miles thata way.

NAOMI WATTS

But I can't walk that far! How will I get there?

ELDERLY THAI MAN

I'll have to drag you. Did I mention I'm 90 years old and weigh 100 pounds soaking wet? So it should take us about 12 weeks to get there.

NAOMI WATTS

Clearly God hates me more than Chris Brown hates to see a woman's face go unpunched.

ELDERLY THAI MAN

Well you did agree to be in Movie 43. Who wouldn't want to throw a tsunami at you?

NAOMI is dragged to a VILLAGE OF MIDWIVES who communicate TELEPATHICALLY. They dress NAOMI in DOLL CLOTHES and ship her off to the HOSPITAL.

INT. SHITTY HOSPITAL

Apparently NAOMI has no MEDICAL INSURANCE so she's treated in the MOST SHITTIEST PART of the SHITTY HOSPITAL.

INFECTION

Fuck you, Naomi. Thanks to me you will spend the rest of the movie dying in a stinky rat infested bed covered in borderline zombie make-up.

NAOMI WATTS

I guess that means I'll be laying on my ass and being as useful as untreated kidney stones from here on out. The movie's all yours, Tom.

NAOMI's MAIN CHARACTER POWERS transfer over to TOM.

The doctors treat NAOMI and expose HER BOOBS. TOM looks away because that's his MOM, DUDE. GROSS.

NAOMI WATTS

Hey Tom, want to see a magic trick?

(pulls 30 feet of fishing wire out of her mouth)

Tada! I do parties and bar mitzvahs.

(vomits blood)

Okay, that one wasn't a magic trick.

TOM HOLLAND

Watching my mom rot in her own filth is much too depressing. Time to lighten things up a bit by reuniting displaced kids with their parents!

TOM talks to SURVIVORS, many of which DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH, and sets out to find their missing relatives, because apparently NO ONE ELSE at the hospital has thought of doing this yet. TOM even reunites MUTE TODDLER with his MUTE FATHER.

TOM HOLLAND

Jesus, did this tsunami manage to actually kill anybody? Ewan and my brothers seem to be the only people not here so I guess that means they really must be dead.

(camera zooms in on his face)

Or ARE they?

EXT. OCEAN RESORT - 50 MINUTES EARLIER

The movie REWINDS to show us what happened to EWAN and his two younger sons WHOSE NAMES AREN'T IMPORTANT.

EWAN MCGREGOR

Not only did I survive getting hit by a 500 foot tall tidal wave, but it put me back in my hotel room, tucked me in, and put a chocolate on my pillow. Time for me to go look for Naomi and Tom!

EWAN encounters some ASSHOLE AMERICANS who have been INCONVENIENCED by all the DEATH AND DESTRUCTION.

EWAN MCGREGOR

Excuse me kind sir, might I trouble you for the use of your mobile?

ASSHOLE AMERICANS

But of course! Anything for a fellow American!

EWAN MCGREGOR

But I'm British.

ASSHOLE AMERICANS

Oh. Well in that case fuck off and die you limey bastard.

EWAN MCGREGOR

Um, maybe you haven't noticed but I'm covered in bloody wounds and my wife and son are missing and all I want to do is use your phone for two seconds.

ASSHOLE AMERICANS

(checks pockets)

Sorry, I'm all out of fucks to give. Maybe next time you get hit by a natural disaster you'll remember to keister stash your cell phone.

EWAN MCGREGOR

Is this really how Europeans see Americans? As arrogant, selfish, evil pricks?

ASSHOLE AMERICANS

You mean the exact same way we treat foreigners in our films? What ever would give them that idea? Now if you'll excuse us there are kittens in need of drowning and a maternity ward in need of being fire bombed. Ta ta!

INT. REFUGEE CAMP

EWAN meets some KINDLY EUROPEANS.

SAINTLY EUROPEAN GUY

Ewan, even though I am waiting for an important phone call that will tell me if my entire family is dead or not, I will let you use my dying cell phone.

EWAN MCGREGOR

Wow. You're really selfless.

SAINTLY EUROPEAN GUY

No, I'm just not American. Now allow me to put off looking for my own family so that I may help you look for yours!

EWAN MCGREGOR

Holy shit. Europeans must be the most loving, caring, level headed people on the entire planet.

SAINTLY EUROPEAN GUY

Except for when it comes to attending soccer games, then we totally lose our shit.

INT. SHITTY HOSPITAL

EWAN painstakingly searches each and every hospital he encounters, but he only gives THIS hospital a passing glance before he is ready to MOVE THE FUCK ON after nearly a full 60 SECONDS of searching.

But TOM catches sight of EWAN'S RIDICULOUS SWIMMING TRUNKS.

TOM HOLLAND

Only my dad would dare wear that ugly fashion abortion out in public!

(pause)

Or maybe some guy stole them off of my dad's lifeless corpse and is walking around in them.

(pause)

I think I'll go with option A.

TOM chases after EWAN who, having somehow sensed his son's presence, manages to walk in the EXACT OPPOSITE FUCKING DIRECTION AND MISSES HIM COMPLETELY.

EWAN and his OTHER SONS are about to leave.

EWAN'S OTHER SONS

It's time for us to be useful as well as adorable!

They delay EWAN's departure by taking a REALLY LONG PISS and randomly spot TOM.

EWAN'S OTHER SONS

Yes! Thank the heavens for our walnut sized bladders!

The whole family reunites in an emotionally uplifting moment just in time to watch NAOMI DIE.

NAOMI WATTS

Um, no. No. I don't die. I'm just playing dead for dramatic effect.

Oh. Then the family reunites in an emotionally uplifting moment just in time to watch NAOMI GET HER LEG AMPUTATED.

NAOMI WATTS

Um, no. No. That doesn't happen either. I don't even get part of my leg amputated like the real María Belón because that would fuck up our heavy-handed ending. Instead I'm flown to a better, less shitty hospital and will make a full recovery and live happily ever after despite all the copious amounts of death I was near.

EWAN MCGREGOR

But... but that's...

NAOMI WATTS

IMPOSSIBLE???

END