FADE IN:

EXT. ISLA SORNA

CAMILLA BELLE wanders away from her parents at a PICNIC and finds herself surrounded by several very small, very carnivorous DINOSAURS. This DOES NOT END WELL.

INT. RICHARD ATTENBOROUGH'S HOUSE

JEFF GOLDBLUM arrives as ARLISS HOWARD and a few other EVIL CORPORATE GUYS are leaving.

ARLISS HOWARD

I wear a suit; thus, I'm evil. I'll make the same mistakes Uncle Richard made but, while his mistakes were due to his reckless enthusiasm, mine will be caused by greed. Because suit. Evil.

(leaves)

RICHARD ATTENBOROUGH

Jeff, it turns out I have this other island that I never mentioned when I hired you to assess the stability of Jurassic Park. That's where we created all the dinosaurs and raised them until they were ready to be exhibited at the park.

JEFF GOLDBLUM

So, that seemingly fully functional lab that you showed us, saying that it was where all the magic happened…?

RICHARD ATTENBOROUGH

Just for show.

JEFF GOLDBLUM

I see. You hired some handsomely paid consultants to evaluate the park as requested by the investors and then lied to said consultants. No wonder the InGen board of directors forced you to step down from your position as CEO.

RICHARD ATTENBOROUGH

Actually, I got away with that. But then a hurricane struck the other island, so I had it evacuated and all the dinosaurs were let loose.

JEFF GOLDBLUM

You let the dinosaurs roam the island freely and just hoped no one would ever come across it? Surely that's when they demanded your resignation.

RICHARD ATTENBOROUGH

No, they were okay with that, too. But now a little girl has been attacked, so they decided to...

JEFF GOLDBLUM

Get rid of all the dinosaurs?

RICHARD ATTENBOROUGH

No, just of me. They still hope to profit from the dinosaurs.

JEFF GOLDBLUM

Oh, for God's sake! What will it take to make you people quit? A T-Rex roaming the streets of San Diego?

RICHARD ATTENBOROUGH

Now you're just being silly.

JEFF GOLDBLUM

Anyway, whatever it is you're planning, count me out.

RICHARD ATTENBOROUGH

But I need you to help document what's happening at the island to raise public awareness and force InGen to back off and leave the dinosaurs alone! I already have a paleontologist there and I'm sending photographer Vince Vaughn and field equipment expert Richard Schiff, but I also need a theoretical mathematician for some reason. The same reason that made your presence necessary the first time, probably.

JEFF GOLDBLUM

Still no.

RICHARD ATTENBOROUGH

The paleontologist is your girlfriend Julianne Moore.

JEFF GOLDBLUM

(storming out though the door)

I'm coming, baby!

INT. EQUIPMENT SHED

RICHARD SCHIFF, VINCE VAUGHN and JEFF GOLDBLUM are getting ready to leave when VANESSA LEE CHESTER arrives.

VANESSA LEE CHESTER

Daddy, I'm so glad we're going to spend time together!

JEFF GOLDBLUM

Actually, we're not. I had you come all the way here just to tell you that I'm dumping you on a sitter and skipping town.

VANESSA LEE CHESTER

That's okay, I'm just gonna hide inside that trailer over there and hope it's being sent to the same place as you are.

JEFF GOLDBLUM

You do know that, since we'll be flying there, that trailer is going to spend a lot of time in the cargo hold and there's no telling how low the temperature there will be?

VANESSA LEE CHESTER

I'm sure everything will turn out fine.

EXT. ISLA SORNA

RICHARD SCHIFF, VINCE VAUGHN and JEFF GOLDBLUM find JULIANNE MOORE as she is following a herd of STEGOSAURUSES.

JULIANNE MOORE

(making as much as noise as possible)

HI, GUYS! I'M STALKING THOSE HUGE DINOSAURS AND THEIR CALF! NO NEED TO BE INCONSPICUOUS OR ANYTHING BECAUSE PLANT-EATING ANIMALS ARE HARMLESS!

JEFF GOLDBLUM

Julianne, honey, I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure animals get more aggressive when they have their babies with them. Even the nice, plant-eating ones.

JULIANNE MOORE

Nonsense. Now shut up and wait here while I go pet that baby stegosaurus over there. I'm sure they won't mind.

They do. JULIANNE MOORE manages to not be smashed by the herd of angry STEGOSAURUSES and everyone heads back to the BASE CAMP, where they find VANESSA LEE CHESTER.

JEFF GOLDBLUM

Vanessa, what the hell are you doing here?

JULIANNE MORE

Wait, you didn't know she was here until now? You were willing to fly to another country to rescue your grown-up girlfriend, yet didn't bother to call the sitter to make sure your pre-teen daughter had arrived safely at her house?

They are interrupted by the sound of engines. Everyone looks up and watches as several HELICOPTERS with the INGEN LOGO on them arrive at the island.

CUT TO:

The INGEN crew goes DINOSAUR hunting. ARLISS HOWARD is there, along with seasoned hunter PETE POSTLETHWAITE.

ARLISS HOWARD

I'm in charge here.

PETE POSTLETHWAITE

No, you're not. You wear a suit: you're in charge of making bad corporate decisions. I'm in charge of making bad decisions in the wild.

(they capture several dinosaurs and set up camp)

To further establish my point, I'm off to hunt me a T-Rex.

He and HARVEY JASON abduct a BABY T-REX from the nest, then leave it chained to the ground and set up an AMBUSH in hopes that the calf's wailing will attract its parents. In the meantime, VINCE VAUGHN and JULIANNE MOORE invade their CAMP and set the DINOSAURS free.

JULIANNE MOORE

Some of these dinosaurs are pretty huge. Aren't you worried someone will be trampled by one of these behemoths we're setting free in their camp? Not to mention their food, potable water, communication devices, medical supplies...

VINCE VAUGHN

I'm sure the dinosaurs will just leave orderly and peacefully. Nature is wise that way.

The DINOSAURS trash the CAMP, smashing everything that can be smashed on their way out.

VINCE VAUGHN

Now to rescue the baby T-Rex!

He releases the BABY T-REX from its restraints and carries it to the CAR.

JULIANNE MOORE

Oh boy, Jeff is going to be so mad when he sees this!

VINCE VAUGHN

Really? That's what you're worried about?

They take the BABY T-REX to the TRAILER and fix its BROKEN LEG, while JEFF GOLDBLUM, VANESSA LEE CHESTER and RICHARD SCHIFF wait on the HIGH HIDE. From up there, they hear a T-REX approaching and try to call JULIANNE MOORE and VINCE VAUGHN to warn them.

INT. TRAILER

The PHONE rings. And rings and rings.

VINCE VAUGHN

Should we answer that?

JULIANNE MOORE

It's probably just some telemarketer.

JEFF GOLDBLUM storms in. A few seconds later, T-MOM and T-DAD arrive, peeking into the trailer and growling.

JULIANNE MOORE

They want their baby.

JEFF GOLDBLUM

You think?

They release the BABY T-REX and the T-FAMILY walks away together.

T-MOM

You know, maybe leaving the kid alone in the nest wasn't such a great idea.

T-DAD

Yeah, let's never do that again.

RICHARD SCHIFF calls from the HIGH HIDE to let them know that the T-FAMILY is returning to the woods, then gives the phone to VANESSA LEE CHESTER.

JEFF GOLDBLUM

Everything's fine now, sweetheart. I'm coming right back to get you.

(looks through the window and sees T-MOM and T-DAD returning)

Okay, maybe not right away.

T-MOM and T-DAD push the TRAILER halfway over the edge of a CLIFF.

T-MOM

Good job!

T-DAD

Yeah, good j-- Wait a minute, who's with the kid?

T-MOM AND T-DAD

(in unison)

Oh, crap!

(rush back to the nest)

RICHARD SCHIFF comes down from the HIGH HIDE, ties a ROPE around a TREE and throws the other end to JEFF GOLDBLUM, JULIANNE MOORE and VINCE VAUGHN, who start to climb up. The TRAILER keeps sliding toward the edge of the CLIFF, though, so he attaches a CABLE from the JEEP to the TRAILER and has just started to drive away from the CLIFF when T-MOM and T-DAD return and eat him.

T-MOM

(suddenly stopping in mid chew)

Uh oh.

T-MOM and T-DAD turn on their heels and run back to the NEST again.

T-DAD

We are the worst parents ever.

The TRAILER falls over the edge of the CLIFF, pulling the JEEP along with it, but both vehicles miss JEFF GOLDBLUM, JULIANNE MOORE and VINCE VAUGHN, who manage to climb back to safety. They are joined by the INGEN crew and VANESSA LEE CHESTER.

ARLISS HOWARD

There's a communication center in the middle of the island; we can call for help there. Since it's powered by geothermal energy, it still works after being struck by a hurricane and spending the last four years exposed to the elements.

PETE POSTLETHWAITE

Are you sure that's how geothermal energy works?

ARLISS HOWARD

I'm not sure how anything works in this island, but that hasn't stopped me so far.

They walk until dawn and then keep walking until it's night again, then set up camp in the middle of the jungle. T-DAD and T-MOM come sniffing around the tents and zero in on the TENT where JULIANNE MOORE and VANESSA LEE CHESTER are sleeping.

JULIANNE MOORE

(waking up and noticing the dinosaurs)

Oh, no! Why does this keep happening to me?

T-DAD

Well, for starters, you have your T-Rex blood covered jacket here. Also, you're both literally sleeping on food crumbs and empty snack bags. Have you ever even gone on a camping trip, lady?

INGEN worker THOMAS ROSALES wakes up, sees the T-REXES and hollers, waking everybody up. While the others flee, PETE POSTLETHWAITE grabs his gun and tries to shoot the dinosaurs, only to discover that VINCE VAUGHN removed the ammo from his gun earlier.

PETE POSTLETHWAITE

I hope you're the first one they eat!

JEFF GOLDBLUM, JULIANNE MOORE, VINCE VAUGHN and VANESSA LEE CHESTER manage to escape from T-MOM while T-DAD stays behind and is shot with tranquilizers by PETE POSTLETHWAITE.

T-DAD

I keep thinking that we're forgetting something again. Something about the kid, maybe?

(is knocked out by the tranquilizers)

Several INGEN workers run into the HIGH GRASS while fleeing from T-MOM.

HARVEY JASON

Don't go into the high grass!

(follows them into the high grass)

They all get eaten by VELOCIRAPTORS. JEFF GOLDBLUM, JULIANNE MOORE, VINCE VAUGHN and VANESSA LEE CHESTER also go into the HIGH GRASS, but manage to outrun the VELOCIRAPTORS and reach the COMMUNICATION CENTER. Everything is trashed and covered with weeds, but as soon as VINCE VAUGHN pushes a lever, the radio is on and he is able to call for help.

VINCE VAUGHN

Wow, geothermal energy really is great.

In the meantime, JEFF GOLDBLUM, JULIANNE MOORE and VANESSA LEE CHESTER are being chased by VELOCIRAPTORS.

VANESSA LEE CHESTER

I'll defeat them with the power of gymnastics!

(uses some pipes as uneven bars and finishes her move by kicking a velociraptor out a window)

JULIANNE MOORE

I'll defeat them with the power of slapstick comedy!

(causes one velociraptor to fall from the roof on top of the other and escapes while they ignore her and fight each other)

JEFF GOLDBLUM

I'll just get rescued, like I did last time!

HELICOPTERS arrive and rescue everyone who hasn't been eaten. ARLISS HOWARD takes T-DAD and the BABY T-REX back to San Diego with him.

JEFF GOLDBLUM

(looking out from the helicopter and seeing this)

Oh, for crying out loud! Haven't any of you idiots watched King Kong?

EXT. SAN DIEGO HARBOR

The SHIP that's bringing T-DAD crashes into the harbor. ARLISS HOWARD, JEFF GOLDBLUM, JULIANNE MOORE and several HARBOR WORKERS go on board and discover that the ship's crew has been slaughtered.

ARLISS HOWARD

Let's check the cargo hold.

JEFF GOLDBLUM

No, wait! What if the T-Rex is in there, just waiting for us to open the cargo hold so it can escape?

ARLISS HOWARD

Don't be ridiculous! Even if it had gone back in there after killing everyone, how would it have closed the doors after getting inside? Not to mention why?

HARBOR WORKER

Makes sense.

(opens the cargo hold)

T-DAD

(coming out of the cargo hold)

Ta-da!

T-DAD leaves the harbor and starts wreaking havoc in San Diego.

JULIANNE MOORE

Jeff, we need to break into InGen, find the baby T-Rex, get it out of there without being stopped by security, then have the father chase us back here, leave the baby in the cargo hold, manage to get out without getting eaten, find the tranquilizer weapon and shoot the T-Rex before it escapes again.

JEFF GOLDBLUM

Wouldn't it be easier, not to mention safer to everyone involved, to just let the US Army and their huge-ass weapons take care of it?

JULIANNE MOORE

NO TIME FOR TALKING! GO GO GO!

They DO. Back in the cargo hold, T-DAD only has time to feed ARLISS HOWARD to the BABY T-REX before passing out cold.

JULIANNE MOORE

Yay! Now the dinosaurs will be sent back to the island without bloodshed!

EVERYONE WHO WAS KILLED OR MAULED WHILE THE T-REX WAS ON THE LOOSE

Yay, indeed.

INT. APARTMENT

JEFF GOLDBLUM and JULIANNE MOORE have fallen asleep on the couch while watching TV. VANESSA LEE CHESTER watches an interview with RICHARD ATTENBOROUGH.

RICHARD ATTENBOROUGH

I learned nothing!

END