FADE IN:

EXT. TROPICAL ISLAND

A bunch of WORKERS led by BOB PECK are loading a crate of VELOCIRAPTOR into an ENCLOSURE.

WORKER

All right, the crate’s in position, somebody press the button to open the gate.

BOB PECK

What, an automatic gate? You think this trillion-dollar ultra-high-tech theme park is made of money? Just stand completely unsecured on that nine-foot fence and lift it open with your bare hands already.

WORKER

“Spared no expense” my ass.

The WORKER gets up and lifts open the GATE, but then the VELOCIRAPTOR slams into it, causing the CRATE to fly backwards and the WORKER to fall to the ground! Then instead of making a run for FREEDOM, the RAPTOR decides to prioritize EATING THE WORKER.

WORKER

AAAGH, I LEVITATE IN TERROR!! Either that or the raptor is lifting me right over its head, which, come on. Just try to picture it.

BOB PECK

Shit, why the hell don’t we sedate our animals during transportation like a normal zoo?

BOB tries to save the WORKER by HOLDING HIS HAND. This DOES NOT WORK.

EXT. MONTANA DIG SITE

SAM NEILL and LAURA DERN lead a team of PALEONTOLOGISTS digging up a VELOCIRAPTOR FOSSIL.

SAM NEILL

This specimen sure helps support the theory that dinosaurs are related to birds! Except for feathers, of course. Velociraptors TOTALLY didn’t have feathers.

PALEONTOLOGISTS

Pfa ha ha, dinosaurs related to BIRDS? We professional paleontologists scoff at this idea which has been widely accepted in the academic community for decades!

SAM NEILL

You laugh, but consider this: the word “raptor” actually means “bird of prey”!

PALEONTOLOGISTS

And the word “dinosaur” means “terrible lizard”, so what’s your point? Phylogeny through etymology: not a thing.

TEN-YEAR-OLD BOY WHO IS AT A PALEONTOLOGICAL DIG SITE IN THE DESERT FOR SOME REASON

That thing doesn’t look scary!

SAM NEILL

“Scary”? Who said that? What a weird thing to say. Since when is it the point of a dinosaur to be-

(spots boy)

Oh, a KID. Well then, instead of attempting to engage you with the wonder of natural history, allow me to traumatize you with a gruesome description of your own disembowelment.

LAURA DERN

Why do you hate kids so much, Sam?

SAM NEILL

Oh, well, this movie’s a bit lean for anyone to have an actual character arc, so instead we’re going with a common Hollywood substitute called Karakter Ark Lite. You know how it goes: character is averse to thing, circumstances force character to be exposed to thing, character is no longer averse to thing.

LAURA DERN

Immersion therapy for idiots, got it.

A HELICOPTER arrives, and the PILOT indicates that SAM and LAURA should go to their TRAILER. They do so, to find RICHARD ATTENBOROUGH rummaging through their fridge.

RICHARD ATTENBOROUGH

Hello there! Hope you don’t mind the fact that I sent that helicopter over to blast corrosive sand all over your delicate fossils rather than simply walk a hundred feet to introduce myself. Or the fact that I barged into your property, rooted through your stuff and opened your special-occasion bottle of champagne. Apparently I haven’t the slightest idea how a human being is supposed to conduct himself, I’m like a fucking five year old.

SAM NEILL

Well we might be tempted to complain, but as you sign our paychecks we’ll just put those pesky spines back away and meekly submit to your entitled belligerent dickishness.

RICHARD ATTENBOROUGH

Excellent! I need you to come with me to inspect a top-secret project of mine and sign off on it. Do so and I’ll fully fund you for the next three years.

SAM NEILL

Great! After all, nothing makes for a completely unbiased and trustworthy endorsement like flagrant bribery.

INT. HELICOPTER

SAM, LAURA and RICHARD are being flown over to the ISLAND. Also on board are MARTIN FERRERO and JEFF GOLDBLUM.

MARTIN FERRERO

I’m a corporate lawyer.

(sprinkles salt and pepper on self)

I want to shut down Richard’s park to satisfy his jittery rich investors.

(slathers self in mayonnaise)

Of course I’ll change my mind completely when I see the park’s attractions and am overcome with pure unthinking greed.

(puts sprig of parsley in hair)

LAURA DERN

So Jeff, you’re the other expert Richard has brought in. So what’s your area of expertise relevant to a biological preserve? Do you manage a zoo? Do you have experience with large animals? Are you a security expert? Structural engineer? What?

JEFF GOLDBLUM

I’m a theoretical mathematician.

LAURA DERN

...Oh. Well, I guess if your field is trendy at the moment the investors might have insisted-

JEFF GOLDBLUM

Actually the investors didn’t want me. Because I’m too trendy.

LAURA DERN

So, what, Richard just wanted you along because he likes and respects you?

RICHARD ATTENBOROUGH

I HATE HIM SO MUCH.

JEFF GOLDBLUM

Seriously, what the fuck am I doing here?

EXT. JURASSIC PARK

They land on the ISLAND and take JEEPS out into a FIELD. There they see a LIVE BRACHIASAURUS HOLY SHIT!

SAM NEILL

DEAR GOD! This place, which was described to us as a biological preserve, created by a genetic engineering company, where they needed the help of some dinosaur experts, is a PRESERVE FOR GENETICALLY ENGINEERED DINOSAURS! ...Maybe we should have already cottoned on to that possibility.

RICHARD ATTENBOROUGH

Let me tell you how we were able to accomplish this. But since the audience isn’t going to want a heaping fuckton of dry scientific detail and chemical analyses and bar graphs like in the book, we’re going to go waaaaayyy over to the other extreme and show them a cutesy cartoon.

He takes them to the LAB and screens a CARTOON for them.

ANTHROPOMORPHISED DNA

So we found fossilized mosquitos with dinosaur blood in them. The DNA was incomplete but we just jammed a bunch of frog into the holes and figured that’ll do.

SAM NEILL

Jesus, this seemed so plausible back in 1993 before regular people knew anything about genetics. Did I just see footage of a guy manually manipulating a strand of DNA using VR goggles? It’s like you’re going out of your way to be dated.

LAURA DERN

And hey, didn’t I point out earlier that you also have extinct plants? How the hell did you-

RICHARD ATTENBOROUGH

Say, let’s go watch a velociraptor hatch!

They head down to the HATCHERY, run by B.D.WONG.

B.D.WONG

Every single birth on the island takes place here. We only make girl dinosaurs so they can’t breed in the wild.

JEFF GOLDBLUM

Pshaw, without having any actual suggestion as to how it could be remotely possible, I’m going to confidently predict that your all-female population will still breed. It’s literally impossible to stop animals from breeding, I tells ya!

B.D.WONG

Gee then, Bob Barker has been playing us for a bunch of suckers.

EXT. AUTOMATED TOUR

SAM, LAURA, JEFF and MARTIN are sent off to tour the island in AUTOMATED JEEPS. Along for the ride are RICHARD’S GRANKIDS, ARIANA RICHARDS and JOSEPH MAZZELLO.

ARIANA RICHARDS

Hi there! In order to not be a useless screaming burden like in the book, I’ve been given computer skills which will come in handy at some point.

JOSEPH MAZZELLO

And in order for ME to not be a useless screaming burden like in the book, I’ve got, uh... shit. I forgot I was supposed to pick something.

The TOUR BEGINS. They are driven past the habitats for the DILOPHOSAURUS and the TYRANNOSAURUS REX, but neither of them SHOW UP.

LAURA DERN

Maybe we’d be able to see them if the habitat designer didn’t follow the controversial “shove in as much foliage as possible until every possible thing is obscured by leaves” school of aesthetics.

SAM NEILL

Come on, this is Spielberg. There was never really any chance we’d get a look at any of the carnivores until the split second they were ready to start trying to bite our nards off.

INT. CONTROL ROOM

Meanwhile RICHARD is monitoring the TOUR from a COMMAND CENTER, accompanied by programmer WAYNE KNIGHT and chief engineer SAMUEL L. CHAINSMOKING JACKSON.

RICHARD ATTENBOROUGH

Hang on, I thought your official title was Samuel L. MOTHERFUCKING Jackson?

SAMUEL L. CHAINSMOKING JACKSON

It’s 1993, Rich. I don’t earn the “Motherfucking” until at least Pulp Fiction.

WAYNE KNIGHT

Say, have I mentioned lately how shittily paid I am? Because it’s true, you’re such a cheap son of a bitch. Only paying me the actual amount I voluntarily bid for this contract, what kind of bullshit is that! Bah!

(pause)

Oh, and if some of your ultra-valuable dinosaur embryos go mysteriously missing later on, could you not remember how vocally and unreservedly disgruntled I am about everything? Thanks.

RICHARD ATTENBOROUGH

Holy shit, did I really turn over all the programming for the computer system of this huge, complex, hazardous facility to the LOWEST FUCKING BIDDER? You’re right, I am a cheap son of a bitch!

EXT. TRICERATOPS PADDOCK

Having gotten bored of the TOUR, the GUESTS all wander out of their CARS and into a FIELD where a VET is tending a SICK TRICERATOPS.

SAM NEILL

Really? No fences at all between the official tour and the territory of a giant prehistoric mega-rhino? That feels like a teensy bit of an oversight.

LAURA DERN

Huh, so the triceratops gets these poison-like symptoms every six to eight weeks, despite knowing not to eat the poison berries in its habitat? What an intriguing little mystery that we’ll drop immediately and never bother to explain.

(pause)

Although, if you haven’t read the book, here you go: the trike’s been accidentally picking the berries off the ground when it periodically swallows fresh “gizzard stones”, rocks that help it grind its food. YOU’RE WELCOME.

JOSEPH MAZZELLO

For God’s sake guys, this movie’s been going for like an hour, let’s go back to the car so the dinosaurs can start eating us already!

INT. CONTROL ROOM

While nobody is looking, WAYNE turns off all the ELECTRIC FENCES in the PARK to allow him FREE TRAVEL to the DOCKS, and also disables all the TELEPHONES just to be a JERK.

WAYNE KNIGHT

Now to swipe those lucrative embryos from the lab. I’ve briefly disabled surveillance, so if anybody tries to check who did this robbery, they’ll just find a bit of missing footage that coincides precisely with my suspiciously long snack break! At a time when there are only like four employees on the whole island! And I’m the one who was specifically using his computer to shut down fences and stuff! This is such an unbelievably shitty plan!

He grabs the EMBRYOS and speeds off in a JEEP.

EXT. T-REX PADDOCK

Everybody except LAURA is back in the CARS when suddenly the T-REX shows up!

MARTIN FERRERO

SHIIIT, I’M OUTTA HERE!! Keep in mind that we don't know yet that the fences have been turned off, so I’m just crapping my pants at the sight of a particularly mean-looking zoo animal!

MARTIN sprints off and takes refuge between TWO SLICES OF BREAD. Meanwhile the T-REX breaks out of its ENCLOSURE!

T-REX

RAAAAHHHH!!! RRRAAAAAHHHHHH!!! IF I JUST KEEP SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS, SURELY THE PREY WILL KNOW TO STICK AROUND AND GET EATEN! RRRRAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

ARIANA flips out and the T-REX goes over and starts ripping apart the KIDS’ CAR. So SAM attracts its attention away by distracting it with a FLARE, then JEFF attracts its attention from the FLARE by distracting it with a JEFF.

T-REX

(chasing Jeff)

Mmm, mathematician! Oh wait, what’s that written on his back? “Played by Famous Actor; Do Not Eat”. Shit! Guess I’ll just, uh, headbutt him through a wall for some reason?

It DOES SO, and in the process finds and eats MARTIN. Then it wheels back for SAM and the KIDS.

SAM NEILL

Stay still kids! Its vision is based on movement, according to a theory which was discredited embarrassingly shortly after this film was released!

T-REX

Hey, where’d everybody go?

(sniffs Ariana)

Damn, why do I even bother sniffing around when I couldn’t pick up an animal’s scent if I was literally smelling their face from inches away? What do these giant nostrils even do anyway? Screw this, I’m chucking a hissy fit!

The T-REX just starts ramming the CAR through the BROKEN FENCE.

T-REX

Yeah, just pushing this car into my paddock for no reason sure eases the stress of-

(car drops into tree)

“Drops”? Wait, what’s a thirty-foot concrete cliff doing on the other side of that fence? I - I could’ve sworn that was my habitat just a minute ago.

(frowns)

Well what the fuck do I do now? All my stuff was in there! RRAAAHHH!

Anyway, somewhere in all that SAM and the KIDS wind up stranded at the bottom of the CLIFF.

EXT. ROAD TO THE DOCKS

WAYNE has gotten LOST on the way to the DOCKS.

WAYNE KNIGHT

Yep, apparently I worked out this trip until I had it timed down to the minute, but still don't know the way without street signs. This continues to be a very well-thought-out plan!

He gets his CAR jammed in MUD and gets out to WINCH IT FREE, when he runs into a DILOPHOSAURUS!

DILOPHOSAURUS

RAAHHH, check out my crazy frilled neck and spit attack! There’s no paleontological evidence for either of those things, we’re totally just making shit up here!

The DILOPHOSAURUS SPITS in WAYNE’S FACE and he SCREAMS and SCREAMS and SCREAMS.

WAYNE KNIGHT

I hope you all paid attention during the tour scene, to that voice in the background briefly mentioning that dilophosaurus spit blinds people. Otherwise I’d look like a humongous pansy right now.

DILOPHOSAURUS

Excellent, now’s the perfect time to attack him!

(pause)

But instead I’ll just walk right past him and climb into his car, because I presumably have dino-ADHD.

WAYNE gets back into the CAR and gets AMBUSHED by the DILOPHOSAURUS.

DILOPHOSAURUS

Haha, gotcha! ...Aaand now I’m totally trapped in here. Shit.

EXT. T-REX PADDOCK

LAURA and BOB come to try and FIND EVERYONE. All they find is JEFF and the unappetizing parts of MARTIN.

JEFF GOLDBLUM

Argh, my leg’s torn up! Yep, having served no story purpose at all so far, now they’re putting me on the bench for the rest of the movie. But I can still be the main character of the sequel, right?

LAURA and BOB go down to the bottom of the CLIFF and find SAM AND THE KIDS’ FOOTPRINTS heading off into the PARK. They then do NOTHING WHATSOEVER WITH THIS INFORMATION and just head back to their JEEP, but as they near it the T-REX shows up!

JEFF GOLDBLUM

Aw shit! I don’t suppose either of you know the trick where you stay still so the T-Rex ignores you?

BOB PECK

I certainly should, being the game warden and all.

(runs frantically)

LAURA DERN

Hell, I was right there when Sam talked about it at the beginning of the movie.

(runs frantically-er)

They RUN RUN RUN and then DRIVE DRIVE DRIVE and generally move as much as humanly possible, and the T-REX CHASES and CHASES and CHASES and gives up and leaves.

EXT. PARK

We enter the HOBBIT portion of the film, as SAM and ARIANA and JOSEPH WALK and WALK.

SAM NEILL

Come on kids, follow me and just assume I have some idea which the hell way we should be going.

They see a flock of GALLIMIMUS, which then switch direction and start running RIGHT AT THEM!

SAM NEILL

Run, kids! Not sideways out of their path, but in the same direction as them, Prometheus-style!

ARIANA RICHARDS

Shiiit! This might be an intense scene if these things didn’t seem to be perfectly capable of just not colliding with us!

Suddenly the T-REX comes out of nowhere and ATTACKS THE HERD!

T-REX

Wow you guys are incompetent. It’s not like I was chasing you, you just flocked directly towards a twenty-foot-tall predator, you nimrods!

(eats gallimimus)

SAM and the KIDS sneak away and continue walking and walking. Eventually they come across a bunch of DINOSAUR EGG SHELLS.

SAM NEILL

Holy crap, the dinosaurs have been breeding! Some of the females must have switched genders, using a trait inherited from their snippets of frog DNA!

JOSEPH MAZZELLO

Looks like Jeff was right after all - life does find a way!

SAM NEILL

Huh? Don’t be stupid, this isn’t a case of life being adaptive and resourceful. It’s a case of the dinosaurs being CRAZY LUCKY that the scientists put in some random DNA that just HAPPENED to be from an animal with the very specific trait they needed to overcome their breeding problem, and that said trait was the ONE THING they actually inherited from that animal. Let's face it, life just stumbled drunkenly into this one.

INT. CONTROL ROOM

SAMUEL L. CHAINSMOKING JACKSON

Damnit, I haven’t been able to reverse whatever Wayne did! We’ll just have to reboot the system.

RICHARD ATTENBOROUGH

So wait, after all this futzing around our big ingenious ploy to fix the park is... to turn it off and on again?

SAMUEL L. CHAINSMOKING JACKSON

I know, I know, insert tech support joke here.

They REBOOT THE SYSTEM.

SAMUEL L. CHAINSMOKING JACKSON

All right, it worked! Now I just have to nip over to turn the power on in the utility shed, traversing monster-infested jungle to get there. Easy Peasy!

(strolls off, whistling a jaunty tune)

But a while later SAMUEL has not RETURNED.

LAURA DERN

Uh oh. I’d better go see what happened.

BOB PECK

I’ll go with you to protect you with my hunter skills and guns. Really not sure why I didn’t make this offer to Samuel.

LAURA and BOB head towards the UTILITY SHED. But then BOB detects the presence of RAPTORS!

BOB PECK

They’re hunting us! Quick Laura, start sprinting loudly through the brush, while I stay here perfectly still and quiet, all dressed in camouflage-y clothes.

(pause)

This plan is intended to keep YOU safe, of course.

LAURA runs off while BOB ve-e-e-ery slo-o-o-owly aims a gun at the RAPTOR he can see.

BOB PECK

Okay, now everything will be fine once I kill this one stationary raptor, seeings as raptors don’t hunt in packs or attempt flanking manoeuvres or anything. I mean if they did, as game warden I’d surely be well aware of such tactics and be preventing against-

A SECOND RAPTOR pokes its FACE out of the FOLIAGE NEXT TO BOB.

RAPTOR

TA-DAAAA!!

BOB PECK

Very well done, but don’t you think that stopping to pose for several seconds kind of defeats the purpose of-

The RAPTOR kills BOB, apparently by CHEWING ON HIS HEAD.

EXT. ELECTRIC FENCE

Just at the time that LAURA is restoring the POWER, JOSEPH is in the middle of climbing over an ELECTRIC FENCE.

JOSEPH MAZZELLO

Well this is some stupidly coincidental timing, isn’t it.

ARIANA RICHARDS

Hey, am I the only one starting to notice how the whole time we’ve been trekking across this park full of monsters, us three haven’t faced anything more dangerous than some herbivores or a tree or now a fence?

JOSEPH is ELECTROCUTED and FALLS, but SAM just uses CPR ON HIM because this is a MOVIE and therefore CPR CAN CURE LITERALLY ANYTHING.

INT. UTILITY SHED

LAURA DERN

(over radio)

All right, we restarted the computers back in the control room, then we turned on the power out in the utility shed, now the fences and phones are working, yes?

RICHARD ATTENBOROUGH

(over radio)

Actually now you have to come BACK to the visitor’s center and use a computer to activate-

LAURA DERN

(over radio)

Just keep adding steps until we get up to feature running length, got it.

Suddenly a RAPTOR attacks her!

RAPTOR

TA-DA-

(tangled in pipes)

Shit! This worked a lot better last time. Give me a second.

LAURA RUNS RUNS RUNS! She hides against a wall, when suddenly a MAN puts his ARM on her shoulder.

LAURA DERN

Oh Samuel! You’re alive after OH GOD IT’S JUST SAMUEL’S ARM, EWWW!!

(pause)

Which... the raptors carefully propped up on some high shelf or something so it’d come down when I nudged it?

RAPTOR

It was a lot of work, but totally worth it! You should have seen the look on your face.

LAURA RUNS RUNS RUNS THE FUCK OUT OF THERE!

INT. VISITOR’S CENTER

SAM and the KIDS finally make it back to the VISITOR’S CENTER.

SAM NEILL

All right, I’m gonna go meet up with Laura. You two should be fine by yourselves, I doubt that in the next ten minutes some raptors are gonna pick this building, out of the entire fucking island, to snoop around in. I mean what kind of shitty luck would that be?

SAM leaves and then a few minutes later RAPTORS SHOW UP! The KIDS try and hide in the KITCHEN.

RAPTOR #1

All right, you wait near the door to ambush them, I’ll herd them towards-

RAPTOR #2

Look, I’m tired of the whole intelligent pack hunting thing. Can’t we go to Plan B?

RAPTOR #1

Every time you see a human, shriek and charge? Sure, sounds like fun.

The KIDS manage to ELUDE THE RAPTORS then they RUN RUN RUN and meet up with SAM and LAURA in some kind of OFFICE.

ARIANA RICHARDS

Oh look, a computer! Time for my leet hacker skillz to come into play!

She opens the “Everything” folder and clicks on “Make Everything Work”. Everything works now!

ARIANA RICHARDS

Well that was depressingly easy. It would’ve taken me all of five seconds if the OS didn’t use such an over-elaborate GUI full of super-slo-mo animations.

SAM calls RICHARD and gets him to call in the HELICOPTER. But then RAPTORS BREACH THE ROOM! They RUN RUN RUN until eventually the RAPTORS have them CORNERED in the ATRIUM.

SAM NEILL

Well I’m officially out of ideas. I guess we’ll just stand here like chumps and get eaten, unless someone or something were to heroically swoop in and save the day.

Fortunately, who should swoop in at that moment but... a ONE-ARMED, FLAMETHROWER-WIELDING SAMUEL L. JACKSON RIDING A GALLIMIMUS!

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Sadly, no. There is no room in any one movie for that much awesome. But what really happens is pretty fucking close.

That’s right, it’s really the T-REX!!!

T-REX

Yes everybody, I’m here! Judging from the fact that you didn’t hear any of my earth-shaking footsteps, presumably I’ve been here the whole time. You guys just burst in and started smashing everything and never noticed I was standing there. It was super awkward, guys.

(eats raptors)

LAURA and SAM and the KIDS run out of there, and they meet up with RICHARD and JEFF and they all jump on the HELICOPTER and FLY AWAY!

RICHARD ATTENBOROUGH

Good to see everybody made - wait a minute, where’s Bob?

LAURA DERN

Uh... I guess we just leapt to the assumption he was dead? Good thing for us we’re right.

SAM NEILL

Well Mr. Attenborough, your park is a piece of shit. I presume now you’ll be sending people in to bomb the fuck out of it, like in the book?

RICHARD ATTENBOROUGH

Nah. I’ll just leave the innocent-seeming tropical island - both islands, as it later turns out - sitting there with their populations of prehistoric beasts running wild. Some of which can fly.

SAM NEILL

Sounds like you haven’t learned a damn thing about ethics or responsibility.

RICHARD ATTENBOROUGH

True, but trust me, twenty years from now this franchise will be really fucking grateful for this.

END.