"Do you guys think we brought enough straps? We probably need more straps. Threepio, go get more straps!"

STAR WARS: THE RISE OF SKYWALKER

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. OUTER SPACE

TITLE CRAWL

So IAN MCDIARMID is alive, a plot point already revealed in fucking FORTNITE, but for everyone else we just skipped over a major dramatic development in the opening crawl, yay us! As we rejoin the story, ADAM DRIVER grabs a SITH WAYFINDER and tracks down the Emperor in like TWO MINUTES, a task which will take generations of good guys DECADES to fail at doing.

INT. WELCOME TO MCDIARMID'S, OVER FIVE BILLION SOULS TURNED

Inside the evil lair, ADAM finds IAN plugged into an ARCADE CLAW GRABBER GAME.

ADAM DRIVER

How the fuck are you alive? You got thrown down a chasm, exploded, then exploded AGAIN. If you had shiny chrome Stormtrooper armour that'd be ONE thing, but this is bullshit.

(raises lightsabre)

IAN MCDIARMID

Wait, I can offer you great power. I've been secretly building a fleet of Star Destroyers... underground? Seriously, how the fuck does that work. Or did I build them and THEN bury them even though nobody knows where this planet is? Anyway, allow me to dramatically Force-lift them to the surface, bwah ha ha!!

(does so)

ADAM DRIVER

That's most impressive. I guess lifting them into orbit would be like zero effort for you, compared to that. Could probably do it without barely trying. Like, for instance, if some final battle all hinged on those ships NOT being fully operational at their current altitude, you could likely just sneeze and-

IAN MCDIARMID

SILENCE! Kill Daisy Ridley for me, and I'll give you control of the fleet! Ultimate power shall be ours!!

(evil grin)

Plus I've had some ideas for new uniforms that I think will really pop. I'll send you my designs, we'll talk.

ADAM DRIVER

Okay. So we message "hey Daisy the secret to your heritage is here on this planet", wait for her to show up, then I murder her?

IAN MCDIARMID

Oh PLEASE that is not NEARLY convoluted enough. We've got 162 fucking minutes to fill you know.

INT. FLOATING ICEBERG PLANET

Meanwhile, Resistance heroes JOHN BOYEGA, OSCAR ISAAC, CHEWBACCA, R2-D2, and GIANT DILDO MONSTER are meeting a contact with SPY information!

ALIEN

Here you are! The SPY has told us that the Emperor, who we all know is alive already, is hatching a big huge evil plan, as you would already assume, on (surprise!) the mythical Sith planet that nobody knows where it is.

JOHN BOYEGA

I'm sure glad we're risking our lives for this super top secret intel.

TIE FIGHTERS attack, but OSCAR ISAAC escapes them with HYPERSPACE SKIPPING because every new movie has to think up a WHOLE BRAND NEW WAY to TOTALLY FUCK OVER all previous rules of hyperspace.

EXT. RESISTANCE HOME BASE PLANET

DAISY RIDLEY is training with floating rocks and shit, trying to download ARCHIVED JEDI FILES from the FORCE CLOUD.

DAISY RIDLEY

Opening bookend moment established. Now to confer with my new trainer, Carrie Fisher who is right over there!

CARRIE FISHER

Yes, I'm standing patiently over here as you train. All things considered we did a pretty damn good job of integrating me into this movie, but let's not get too fancy with our blocking, okay?

The MILLENNIUM FALCON returns, and our HEROES gather with what remains of THE RESISTANCE, mostly reduced to a bunch of JJ ABRAMS'S OLD TV BUDDIES.

KELLY MARIE TRAN

I'm still here though, to keep Last Jedi fans happy, but almost all my lines and actions have been given to other characters, to keep Last Jedi haters happy! This is going to be kind of a theme.

KELLY MARIE TRAN DOMINIC MONAGHAN

Shit, the spy message says that the Emperor's evil fleet will start murderizing the Galaxy in 16 hours.

JOHN BOYEGA

Sixteen hours? That's barely enough time to prep a mission, go to another planet, wander about looking for clues, do a desert chase, get sucked underground, escape, repair a derelict spaceship, confront Adam Driver, escape, go to ANOTHER planet, wander about, find a black market droid mechanic, overhaul C-3PO's internal systems, rescue Chewbacca from a Star Destroyer, get captured, escape again, go to ANOTHER planet, crashland, repair the Falcon, scavenge a wreck, split up as we all fly back here while Daisy soul-searches on YET ANOTHER planet, and then assemble our entire remaining forces to follow Daisy to YET ANOTHER SUPER REMOTE planet to take out the fleet!

(pause)

Well, maybe just enough time.

OSCAR ISAAC

If the First Order is taking control of this giant fleet they're gonna need thousands of people operating it. We could look for ships carrying troops towards uncharted regions and follow them?

CARRIE FISHER

Oh PLEASE that is not NEARLY convoluted enough. We've still got...

(checks watch)

...151 fucking minutes to fill you know.

DAISY RIDLEY

According to Hamill's diary, we need a Sith wayfinder to find the secret Sith planet of Excedrin. He thought there was a clue on the desert planet of Pajama so I'll go there while you-

OSCAR ISAAC

Oh no no no. We split up last time and everyone couldn't stop whining about it. THIS time, we stick together.

JOHN BOYEGA

Plus this way, our one group will have to do three times as much plot as if we'd split into three groups!

INT. ADAM DRIVER'S SUPER COOL FIRST ORDER SHIP

ADAM remakes his mask to have FUNKY RED HIGHLIGHTS, to match the new FINAL ORDER branding, and meets with the top brass including DOMHNALL GLEASON and RICHARD E. GRANT!

RICHARD E. GRANT

All is proceeding well, Supreme Leader. Our tailors have sent samples of the updated uniforms, and I must say, they're spiffy as fuck. The red trim really sends the message that this isn't your Dad's First Order, y'know? Mwah hah, the Spice Girls will rue the day they fired me.

ADAM DRIVER

Excellent. Now, while you continue openly funnelling thousands of new recruits from across the Galaxy to our ultra top secret location, I shall track down Daisy with the help of... THE KNIGHTS OF REN! Yes, finally, these long-anticipated badasses are gonna fucking BRING IT, yo!

KNIGHTS OF REN

(pose, badassedly)

EXT. DESERT PLANET PAJAMA

Our heroes land in the middle of BURNING MAN. DAISY gets a new NECKLACE and an AWKWARD SOCIAL ENCOUNTER but suddenly finds herself FORCETIMING with ADAM DRIVER!

ADAM DRIVER

Hm, I can't see where you are, but as we set up last movie, I can grab physical items from you! Ha!

(snatches "Lonely Planet" guidebook)

Oh cool, I have a great idea for Mutant Vehicle. See you soon!

DAISY warns the others, but the entire group of our main heroes is about to be taken down by ONE SINGLE STORMGOOBER when they are saved by none other than--

BILLY DEE WILLIAMS

Yes it's me. Years ago Mark Hamill and I came here, looking for the trail to the clue to the wayfinder to the planet Excedrin. We couldn't find it, so Mark kept on looking and I just sort of stayed here. I suggested checking the Sith leader's personal vault, but Hamill muttered something about having 120 minutes to fill and fucked off.

DAISY RIDLEY

Well now WE'RE here to search. I'm sure you were just incompetent and we'll find it in no time, right guys?

(everyone nods)

BILLY DEE WILLIAMS

Off you go then. I'll stay here being absolutely no help.

KELLY MARIE TRAN OSCAR ISAAC

Over here, I can hotwire these skiffs!

They grab some DESERT SKIFFS but are chased by NEW STORMTROOPERS who have watched MAD MAX FURY ROAD like TWENTY TIMES!! They BLAST the TROOPERS but are themselves BLASTED and land in QUICKSAND!

JOHN BOYEGA

Daisy! I never told you that-

(sinks)

DAISY RIDLEY

Ooh, I can't wait for THAT to pay off! We wouldn't have brought it up otherwise, right?

(pause)

Right?!?

(pause)

God dammit. Well maybe I should try levitating before

(sinks)

INT. UNDERGROUND CAVERN

While above ground, the KNIGHTS OF REN strike INCREDIBLY BADASS POSES, like SO BADASS, our heroes find themselves in a CAVERN!

JOHN BOYEGA

This blows. We're trapped down here with nothing but this stupid pile of bones and this dumb dagger covered in Sith runes. Fuck.

C-3P0

These runes reveal the location of the wayfinder! But my programming which lets me read Sith runes also forbids me from saying Sith runes out loud. And let's not forget, I was programmed by a 10-year-old desert slave, so this makes ALL KINDS of fucking sense.

While our heroes process this they are suddenly confronted by a WOUNDED UNDERGROUND SERPENT THING!

OSCAR ISAAC

I guess we'll blast and lightsabre this thing dead now, as we do with most ugly creatures we find-

DAISY RIDLEY

No wait! I saw this trick on the Mandalorian.

(Force-heals serpent)

The SERPENT smiles, tips his hat, and opens a HOLE to the surface while also offering CANAPES and REFRESHMENTS!

JOHN BOYEGA

Phew! Now we can use this long-abandoned ship to get outta here, I'm sure it's stocked with replacement parts for everything that's broken.

DAISY RIDLEY

You fix the ship. I... sense something.

JOHN BOYEGA

Is it Adam Driver coming to capture us, which might also mean his henchmen are nearby, and we should be extra careful?

DAISY RIDLEY

If it were, I'd surely tell you. Must be something else.

(stares into distance)

EXT. JUST AROUND THE NEXT BOULDER

KNIGHTS OF REN

(do badass pose)

(capture Chewbacca offscreen)

(pose)

EXT. BACK IN THE OPEN DESERT

DAISY realizes the feeling of DEJA VU is because the TEASER TRAILER is about to happen. Indeed, ADAM DRIVER drives his ship directly at her and she flips and slices a WING right off, making him CRASH in a HUGE FIREBALL!

ADAM DRIVER

(emerging unharmed)

I think we can stop pretending that explosions mean anything.

DAISY spots a transport taking off which we believe CHEWBACCA is in! She FORCE-GRABS it, but ADAM FORCE-PUSHES it, causing stalemate! DAISY digs in and arm-stretches with all her might and FORCE-ZAPS it, exploding the transport!

DAISY RIDLEY

PRESUMABLY CHEWIE, NOOOOOOOO!!!!

(pause)

Fuck, either this planet has MAJOR static electricity or I just learned something not-great about myself.

Our heroes ESCAPE while ADAM watches them leave, and then digs his wayfinder out of his crashed burning ship to plug into his next identical custom TIE fighter.

ADAM DRIVER

But I know where Excedrin is now, its coordinates will have been added to my star chart. So why do I still need the

EXT. THIEF PLANET KIJIJI

In order to dig the SITH RUNES out of C-3P0's memory, our heroes realize they need the help of ace mechanic KELLY MARIE TRAN SOME NEW RANDOM CGI UGLYCUTE ALIEN THING, who is on PLANET KIJIJI.

OSCAR ISAAC

Gotta warn you I have backstory here, because obviously I'M the person everyone's most keen to learn the backstory of. But if we're careful-

They are ambushed by THIEVES led by KERI RUSSELL!

KERI RUSSELL

I fucking hate you Oscar, you abandoned me! I should turn you all in right now!

(knocked down by Daisy)

On second thought, you guys are awesome! Yay Resistance!

KNIGHTS OF REN

(pose in alleyway, badassedly)

They take C-3P0 to have his MEMORY WIPED in order to get the SITH RUNE MESSAGE.

C-3P0

I shall make this sacrifice for the greater good. Farewell, my friends. Ah this shall indeed be a bittersweet victory... oh who am I kidding, we all know this is getting undone in like ten minutes.

NEW RANDOM CGI UGLYCUTE ALIEN THING

Boo baa zooey bloo!

(is not Baby Yoda)

REDEYE C-3P0

DATA ACCESSED. THE WAYFINDER IS ON ENDOR, AT THE CO-ORDINATES OF THE CRASHED DEATH STAR, THE MOST OBVIOUS FUCKING PLACE IT COULD BE, SURE WAS WORTH WIPING MY WHOLE MEMORY FOR THIS YOU ASSHOLES

DAISY RIDLEY

OMG I just sensed Chewie is on Adam Driver's command ship that just entered orbit! Bizarre that I didn't sense he was still alive back on Planet Pajama, or twig that I didn't sense him dying when the transport exploded. But we have no way to reach him!

KERI RUSSELL

Yes you do. This flimsy-ass-looking spare part will let you land on anything anywhere. It was my one and only ticket off this rock, but you need it more than I! Take it, and farewell! I shall remain behind, and lead the struggle here!

(others leave)

Or maybe I should fuck off in case they blow up the planet, DAMN but I'm fickle. It's too bad I gave away my only means of-

(leaves)

Sure, whatever.

INT. ADAM DRIVER'S COMMAND SHIP

Our heroes LAND undetected and split up. OSCAR and JOHN blast through a bazillion TROOPERS, and find CHEWIE! Then they blast through ANOTHER zillion troopers until-

STORMTROOPER

Oh hey we got the drop on them! Everyone stop shooting so we can capture them instead, and then shoot them!

Meanwhile DAISY wanders off to ADAM'S personal quarters and FORCETIMES him some more.

DAISY RIDLEY

You've got some 'splaining to do Adam. Don't try figuring out where I am, let's just say-

ADAM DRIVER

Oh hey, you're holding the Sith dagger which is in my room. You're in my room.

DAISY RIDLEY

Uh, no I'm not. This is a cheapo knockoff dagger that I bought far away from here.

ADAM DRIVER

Fine, I'll ignore that while we lightsabre duel. VVMMMVV, VVVMMMVV, KRRZZZKZZK!! VVMMMM

They knock over the DARTH HELMET!

ADAM DRIVER

And I suppose that's a limited replica you ordered on Coruscant, huh. EVERYONE BACK ON BOARD!

DAISY RIDLEY

Shit!

DAISY runs to a hangar bay just as ADAM lands!

ADAM DRIVER

Now we can continue our personal standoff in person. So when I said your parents were nobody? I meant they were nobody... WHO WASN'T RELATED TO EMPEROR PALPATINE, WHAAAA?! Yep that's right, you have EVIL midichlorians and potential for unrivalled power! Your Dad was the Emperor's son, and apparently the Force decided to skip that generation altogether.

DAISY RIDLEY

Dammit, I had fifty bucks on Qui-Gon.

INT. FLASHBACK TO DAISY'S PARENTS

A JEDI HUNTER interrogates the PALPATINES as to DAISY'S WHEREABOUTS!

BECKY PALPATINE

Our daughter's not here I tells ya, we dumped her on a central, highly-patrolled planet before coming to this remote, unpatrolled one! And she's certainly not that small child yelling and reaching after this ship, THAT'S for sure!

TED PALPATINE

Nailed it, hon.

(stabbed)

JEDI HUNTER

Convincing story, but I'm gonna look on this planet some more. Here we go-

(steps outside ship)

(swallowed by quicksand)

(eaten by serpent, or just jerks it and withers to nothing, who knows)

Well I fucking suck. And I'm who they send to hunt Jedi?

(dead)

INT. BACK TO ADAM DRIVER'S COMMAND SHIP

Elsewhere on the ship OSCAR, JOHN, and CHEWIE are about to get executed while being incredibly flippant about the whole thing.

DOMHNALL GLEESON

(shoots Troopers)

Nope! Turns out I'm the spy! I hate Driver so much that I want him and the Final Order to get curbstomped, after which I'll assume control of the utterly defeated and useless... I may need to revise this plan.

Our heroes race to the FALCON, rescue DAISY, and zoom away! DOMHNALL reports back.

DOMHNALL GLEESON

So you see, Richard, the Troopers were going to execute the Resistance scum, but they missed and killed each other and shot my leg, allowing the scum to escape.

RICHARD E. GRANT

Plausible enough. But we haven't had an evil boss randomly murder an underling yet so BUH BYE

(shoots Domhnall!)

EXT. ENDOR

The FALCON crashlands in a FIELD and our heroes meet HORSE-RIDERS led by NAOMI ACKIE.

NAOMI ACKIE

Welcome. My people and I were Stormtroopers, until we were ordered to massacre a helpless village, and somehow we... sensed... it was wrong. Clearly it was the Force.

JOHN BOYEGA

Wow, just like me! I also was about to murder innocents until some... Force... told me it was bad.

OSCAR ISAAC

So you were all rampaging sociopaths until the Force zapped your brain, cool. Too bad the Force can't just transform ALL the baddies into good people, but then where's the challenge I guess?

They go look at the CRASHED DEATH STAR from RETURN OF THE JEDI which was TOTALLY FUCKING ATOMIZED, WE ALL SAW IT, but nope, the most iconic recognizable part is now crashed in the ocean over there.

DAISY RIDLEY

Hey, when I match the dagger blade to the hull wreckage it points to where the wayfinder is!

JOHN BOYEGA

But seriously though, who was this Sith Dan Brown motherfucker, who knew the wayfinder was in the crashed Death Star but rather than take it, hide it, or destroy it, instead carved a dagger in the precise outline of the shattered hull to point out where the wayfinder is? Which only works when held the exact right distance away at the right angle? And then inscribed the location of this planet on the dagger before taking it fuck knows where? Is there a painting of Ian McDiarmid with "So Dark the Walk of Sky" written on it?

OSCAR ISAAC

Anyway, I guess this is where Daisy levitates herself and all of us over there. That's gotta be easier than holding back a spaceship approaching escape velocity with full engines going-

DAISY RIDLEY

I must follow the Jedi code, Oscar. Never use an old skill when you can pull a brand new skill out of your ass!

DAISY HANG-GLIDES JETSKIS CATAMARANS over to the wreckage!

DAISY RIDLEY

So the wayfinder is probably in the vault, but what are the odds that all the security devices are obliterated, but all the doors and levitating-object gizmos are in perfect working order? I'm gonna have to find some way to-

VAULT

(opens doors)

(flashing neon arrow points to wayfinder)

HELLO INTRUDER CAN I INTEREST YOU IN OUR FINE COLLECTION OF VALUABLE SITH ARTIFACTS, PLEASE HELP YOURSELF AND CONSIDER JOINING OUR LOYALTY REWARDS PROGRAM

DAISY RIDLEY

That was easy.

EVIL DAISY RIDLEY

Bwah ha ha! Turn to evil Daisy, and you too could look vaguely like Natalie Portman! Plus look at my cool double-blade switch-sabre! You know only Sith are allowed double-bladed weapons!

Since DAISY knows EVIL DAISY is merely some kind of FORCE PROJECTION MINDFUCK THINGIE, she chooses to DUEL it causing her to drop the wayfinder! It is picked up by...

ADAM DRIVER

The only way you're finding planet Excedrin is with me!

(crushes wayfinder)

Or by using the wayfinder in my ship, I hope you're not telepathing to your friends to go steal my ship right this second.

(pause)

Or by searching my thoughts, like I did to you back in Episode 7, and could be a neat bookend device.

(pause)

Or by tracking one of the new Star Destroyers we've already sent out to terrorize planets.

They begin LIGHTSABRE FIGHTING, working their way down to the LAKEFRONT PROMENADE!

DAISY RIDLEY

Ooh look, I can Force-block your sabre thrust!

ADAM DRIVER

And I can do the same to you! Well that's a fun trick to introduce now and retroactively make all previous lightsabre fights look incompetent. We should forget it and move on.

Back at base, CARRIE FISHER senses she must intervene, and FORCE-PROJECTS to ADAM DRIVER at the cost of her life, a callback that stretches all the way back to LAST MOVIE. DAISY uses the distraction to SKEWER ADAM!

ADAM DRIVER

(collapses)

(makes puppy dog eyes)

DAISY RIDLEY

Ugh, FINE

(Force-heals Adam)

You're lucky you're cute.

(flies off in Adam's ship)

ADAM stares into the distance until GHOST HARRISON FORD shows up.

GHOST HARRISON FORD

Yep, couldn't have Force-projected to prevent MY death, but I can barely stand these movies anyway so fuck it. Anyway you're a good guy now Adam, and remember: bad guys talk the talk, good guys walk the walk.

ADAM DRIVER

(nods)

No more spoken lines after this scene, got it.

EXT. OUTER SPACE

Meanwhile, a FINAL ORDER STAR DESTROYER uses its WANG CANNON to BLOW UP PLANET KIJIJI since we haven't blown up a planet yet. Which also implies that the Final Order CAN deploy ships individually and DOESN'T have to lift the entire goddamn fleet super slow all at once, and also maybe the deadline ran out but maybe it didn't? Fucking hell, Abrams.

EXT. SAINT LUKEIA ISLAND

DAISY lands and WRECKS ADAM'S SHIP and is about to THROW MARK'S LIGHTSABRE into the FIRE but!

GHOST MARK HAMILL

(catches it)

Hey I can grab a lightsabre in ghost form! Well it's not like Force ghosts wielding real lightsabres could have helped in any situation over the previous eight movies.

DAISY RIDLEY

So this is where you inspire me to go fight instead of running away, right? Nice, simple uplifting scene?

GHOST MARK HAMILL

Oh sure.

(pause)

Plus here's Carrie's lightsabre too, from when I gave her full Jedi training with flips and lightsabre duels and the whole bit! Yes, Carrie's had full-fledged Jedi skills this whole trilogy!! What a seamless retcon!

DAISY RIDLEY

(blinks)

GHOST MARK HAMILL

And Chewbacca can turn to solid steel and fire lasers from his eyes! Plus, R2-D2 is really Dr. Manhattan with a memory blocker, and-

DAISY RIDLEY

STOP STOP IT JUST STOP. Fine, gimme the lightsabres, plus I'll need your ship.

MARK impressively lifts his X-WING FIGHTER from UNDERWATER, similar to how YODA did in EMPIRE STRIKES BACK, with the music and everything!

GHOST MARK HAMILL

Hurray, I finally learned the trick which for a Jedi Master is as difficult as picking your nose!

(beams)

DAISY grabs the wayfinder from ADAM'S ship, hops in the X-WING and blasts off!

INT. RESISTANCE BASE

Meanwhile the GANG returns to base, restores C-3P0's memories (WHAAAA?!?!?!!), and tries to deal with the loss of CARRIE. But BILLY DEE is there!

OSCAR ISAAC

How'd you do it, Billy Dee? How did you make it look remotely credible that an entire Rebellion hinged on like five people?

BILLY DEE WILLIAMS

We had... each other.

(smiles)

I know that's vague as fuck, but my specific answer would be "We enlisted the help of the general population, and took down a transmitter so the Empire's big weapon was defenceless", which is exactly what you're gonna do anyway, so why point that out, y'know?

Everyone gathers to figure out THE BIG PLAN.

JOHN BOYEGA

R2-D2 did "Find My X-Wing" on Hamill's ship, so we can follow Daisy to the big finale. And lucky for us, the Emperor decided to build his new fleet in the ONE PLACE where the atmosphere fucks with all their systems.

OSCAR ISAAC

Plus, even though the Emperor had the whole planet to work with, he built all his ships like twenty feet apart, so they can't fly without nav relays or they'll all crash. And the Final Order is so dependent on enhanced park assist, they can't just go slow while looking out the window like regular fucking people.

KELLY MARIE TRAN DOMINIC MONAGHAN

Hey, what about Holdo Maneuvers? Literally everyone in the audience is thinking this.

OSCAR ISAAC

No that's a one-in-a-million shot! Made ludicrously easy when your enemy fleet is packed together in a humongous blob, sure, but IT'S ONE IN A MILLION I TELLS YA!

JOHN BOYEGA

But even if we missed the fleet there's the whole planet to aim at with the Emperor on it... fine fine, we need a big battle, I know.

EXT. PLANET EXCEDRIN, NOW WITH 300% MORE STROBE FLASHING JUST TO PISS EVERYONE OFF

DAISY lands and confronts IAN, watched by THOUSANDS OF RANDOM SITH ASSHOLES who apparently futz about in heavy robes 24/7, or who knows, maybe there's a NICE SUBURB twenty minutes away where they all live.

DAISY RIDLEY

So you're my granddad. I have to ask: how the fuck did your pallid shrivelled ass have sex with anyone?

IAN MCDIARMID

Well, I put on my robe and space wizard hat...

DAISY RIDLEY

Sorry I asked. But despite your attempts to kill me, I've survived!

IAN MCDIARMID

Kill you?!? I wanted you here! Except when I was trying to kill you. Now YOU must kill ME! I think. Honestly I've lost track.

DAISY RIDLEY

What, kill you and take control of the entire Final Order fleet, then order them to surrender? I'm not falling for THAT old trick!

Above them, the RESISTANCE FLEET arrives! Much ZAPPITY ZAP happens!

JOHN BOYEGA

Ground team, prepare for the assault on the nav tower!

RICHARD E. GRANT

Hm. Let's switch to my ship's nav tower, that will be safe from their ground forces!

JOHN BOYEGA

Haha, in Star Wars any flat surface counts as "ground", fuck altitude or atmosphere or any of that shit! We'll land right on your ship, so there!

RICHARD E. GRANT

Oh. So once you've landed on my ship I'll just switch back to the planetside nav tower, fuck you.

JOHN BOYEGA

(pause)

That's not fair.

INT. BACK AT PALPATINE'S CLONING EMPORIUM

Meanwhile ADAM DRIVER has arrived and runs in to help DAISY!

KNIGHTS OF REN

(pose in Adam's way, badassedly)

DAISY RIDLEY

I'll ForceTime Adam, he can grab the extra lightsabre from my belt! Hm, no style points for that. Okay, I'll bring my activated sabre behind my back... and then reveal... ABRACADABRA! It's gone! Now, pick a card, any card.

Indeed ADAM now has a lightsabre and he ATTACKS!

KNIGHTS OF REN

(utterly, completely pwned)

See, this is why we usually do our shit OFF screen.

ADAM and DAISY stand side-by-side against IAN MCDIARMID and wait patiently for his attack. He FORCE-GRABS them!

IAN MCDIARMID

Aha, you two are a diode in the Force!! Which means I can use you to covert my Force lightning from AC current to DC, or some bullshit! AW YEAH IT'S BACK IN BLACK TIME BABY

(sucks their energy)

Mmm, your energy is regenerating me! I will suck NOT QUITE all of it from you!

DAISY RIDLEY

(struggling)

Actually it's a Force DYAD, which if you consult Wookipedia is actually a whole other thing... god damn these movies require a lot of supplemental research.

IAN throws ADAM down a HOLE and DAISY collapses! Above, the SPACESHIP BATTLE is going not so well for our plucky heroes.

OSCAR ISAAC

Shit they killed Greg Grunberg!! And he's not major enough to just bring back five minutes later! NOOOOOO

(sighs)

I'm sorry everyone, it looks like we're fucked.

BILLY DEE WILLIAMS

(over radio)

On your left, Isaac.

(huge new fleet appears!)

OSCAR ISAAC

(brightens)

Hurray!! Just when all seems lost, I get a radio message from the Falcon saying massive reinforcements have arrived to my left!!! Wheeee!!

CHRIS EVANS

(heavy sigh)

(realizes it's LITERALLY THE FALCON in both movies)

(brain explodes)

JOHN BOYEGA

Wow, for years we tried and failed to get everyone on our side, and Billy Dee does it in under an hour. Do we suck or is he just that awesome?

BILLY DEE WILLIAMS

What can I say, I've got a voice made for radio, baby.

GHOST MARK HAMILL

(grumbling to self)

my big sacrifice was supposed to have inspired the whole fucking galaxy already but fuck me i guess

The TIDE TURNS, but then IAN zaps the ENTIRE GOOD GUY FLEET, covering EVERYTHING with SPARKLY LIGHTNING BOLTS!

OSCAR ISAAC

Ack, the Emperor's attack is, uh, making us float around and stuff! We're helpless!!

ENEMY PILOTS AND GUNNERS

(not firing)

Oooh, pretty.

Below, DAISY is lying defeated but has a realization!

DAISY RIDLEY

Wait a sec... if I've seen the Mandalorian, that means I have Disney+! Which gives me access to ALL previous Star Wars content in the Disney Vault!

(Force-binges)

Thanks to these random audio clips I can now.. RISE! RISE, that is! Yep, gonna RISE now!

(winks to camera)

IAN MCDIARMID

Oh you again.

(stops zapping fleet)

(zaps at Daisy)

DAISY RIDLEY

(Force-summons both sabres)

Well ONE lightsabre can block your lightning, but TWO... can REDIRECT it back at you!! Take that!

IAN MCDIARMID

(being zapped)

Damn, General Grevious could have kicked my ass, he had FOUR lightsabres. But all I have to do is stop zapping, and-

(keeps zapping)

ARGHHH WHY, WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS TO MYSELF, I'M SUPPOSED TO BE A FUCKING MASTERMIND

DAISY RIDLEY

AND I... AM... IRON MAN!!

(pause)

Shit sorry MONEYPENNY no wait ROBIN shit BLOFELD fuck I'M SPARTACUS NO DAMMIT I AM LEGEND, I HAVE NO MOUTH BUT I MUST SCREAM OH CHRIST ON A STICK WHY CAN I NOT GET THIS RIGHT

(deep breath)

I am... ALL THE JEDI yes that's it.

IAN MCDIARMID MELTS and goes KABLOOEY!! DAISY collapses, seemingly DEAD... but ADAM climbs out of the 10,000-foot-deep HOLE and rushes over, and FORCE-HEALS her! They SMOOCH! Then ADAM collapses, having spent his OWN life force!

ADAM DRIVER

Now I'm gonna vanish into thin air or we'll be going back and forth at this all day.

(goes poof)

DAISY RIDLEY

Shit, he rolled a natural 1 on the "how long will it take the Force-sensitive person to vanish after dying" table! NNOOOO

Up above, our HEROES shoot all the PENISES off the STAR DESTROYERS, and RICHARD E. GRANT is engulfed in an enormous FIREBALL so look for him to be the SURPRISE BIG BAD of EPISODE XII. Across the galaxy, the remaining FINAL ORDER ships are blown up by legions of BUREAUCRATS and TEDDY BEARS, and the good guys WIN!

EXT. RESISTANCE PLANET

Everyone flies ALL THE WAY BACK TO HOME BASE to land and celebrate and hug! CHEWIE finally gets his fucking medal already! TWO WOMEN KISS in a scene easily cut out for certain foreign markets! DAISY and JOHN and OSCAR and KELLY MARIE hug! RIAN JOHNSON sucks back a bottle of hooch and shakes his head!

EXT. TATTOOINE

DAISY returns to MARK HAMILL'S FARM and buries MARK AND CARRIE'S LIGHTSABRES deep in the dirt before lighting up her OWN BRAND NEW LIGHTSABRE because it's NEVER TOO LATE to introduce a new ACCESSORY. Nearby, the ghosts of CARRIE and MARK look on smiling, having apparently gotten over the death of CARRIE'S SON.

GHOST CARRIE FISHER

Well Adam died a hero, like Anakin did, so I'm sure his Force ghost will be showing up any moment now...

(looks around)

RANDOM OLD WOMAN WANDERING THROUGH A DESOLATE ABANDONED FARM

(to Daisy)

Who are you?

DAISY RIDLEY

(smiles)

I'm Rey. Rey... IRON MAN!

(grins widely)

(frowns)

(slaps forehead)

FUCK

CREDITS

JOHN BOYEGA

Um, so... does my character get a last name too? Or at least when do I finally get to tell Daisy that

END

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