FADE IN:

EXT. SOMEWHERE OVER THE SOUTH PACIFIC - 1944

American WWII fighter pilot YOUNG JOHN C. REILLY and Japanese fighter pilot MIYAVI, CRASH LAND into Warner Brothers' and Legendary's "MONSTERVERSE." They immediately start FIGHTING.

YOUNG JOHN C. REILLY

Say it! Say this cinematic universe will succeed! Besides, everyone's getting sick of superhero movies!

MIYAVI

Oh yeah! But rehashing the same monster movies we've seen a million times, that's much better!

YOUNG JOHN C. REILLY

(being choked)

Is too!

MIYAVI

(getting punched in the face)

Is not!

Then, KONG appears!

KONG

Hey, at least we're not affiliated with that Mummy remake.

EXT. WASHINGTON D.C. - EARLY 1970'S

JOHN GOODMAN and COREY HAWKINS talk to Senator RICHARD JENKINS.

JOHN GOODMAN

Hello Senator. Corey and I would like to explore a newly discovered island in the South Pacific, so we'll need you to give us a shit load of money.

RICHARD JENKINS

You seem to be confused. I'm a United States senator. I only TAKE money.

COREY HAWKINS

Oh come on! It's got to feel good living in the late 60's early 70's era! It's the second most romanticized era in American history besides World War II. Can't you help us out?

RICHARD JENKINS

Well, I do have a busy schedule, what with screwing over the middle and lower class for the next forty years, but what the hell. Here, have fun!

EXT. SOMEWHERE OVER THE SOUTH PACIFIC.

JOHN and COREY gather a crew together, starting with SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

That's COLONEL Motherfucking Jackson. I'm upset that we had to abandon the Vietnam War, and I'm taking on this mission because I can't let go of the fight. But let's not confuse "can't let go of the fight" with "looking for a fight," shall we?

TOM HIDDLESTON

Hi, I'm a Han Solo wannabe (cough) I mean, Tom, a tracker. John and Corey found me in Mos Eisley's Cantina (cough) I mean, some bar. Please do not be fooled by my tight shirts and proper English demeanor. I'm scruffy, dammit!

BRIE LARSON

I'm Brie, an anti-war photographer who will be documenting this mapping mission. I take pictures, and well, that's pretty much it.

JASON MITCHELL, THOMAS MANN, SHEA WHIGHAM AND EUGENE CORDERO

And we're soldiers! We're here for comedic banter and to also perpetuate this movie's completely overused "Dear Billy" dialogue!

TOBY KEBBELL

And I'm Samuel's right hand man!

JING TIAN, JOHN ORTIZ, AND MARC EVAN JACKSON

And we also exist!

JOHN GOODMAN

OKAY OKAY, we get it! This movie has 50 characters. Let's just go.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Aye aye sir! And as always, hold on to your butts!

(pause)

Yes, this is actually my line in the movie. I'm just going to play some sort of extension of myself for the rest of my life, aren't I?

EXT. VIETNAM. OR HAWAII. OR AUSTRALIA.

The crew HELICOPTERS into some donut-shaped, storm of IMPENDING DOOM, but make it to the island.

JOHN GOODMAN

Here it is, everyone. The unnamed island that kind of looks like a skull. Now remember the plan. We take 2.5 seconds to appreciate the beauty of this land, and then immediately desecrate it with seismic explosives. You know, for mapping and shit.

They do. Meanwhile, DIRECTOR JORDAN VOGT-ROBERTS blasts groovy 70's rock music and uses a ton of slow motion effects.

DIRECTOR JORDAN VOGT-ROBERTS

In case you couldn't tell, I really love the movie Apocalypse Now.

Then, suddenly, a TREE flies out of nowhere and SKEWERS one of the helicopters!

JOHN GOODMAN

HOLY SHIT!

TOM HIDDLESTON

WHAT HAPPENNED?

BRIE LARSON

What could have possibly propelled that thing into the air like that?????

SMART ASS BUT FUNNY AUDIENCE MEMBER

(pause)

I think it was Kong, you guys.

IT IS. KONG is revealed and he is a HUNDRED FUCKING FEET tall.

JOHN GOODMAN

We get it, Jordan. You're trying to one-up Peter Jackson.

The choppers begin SHOOTING at KONG, and he easily KICKS ALL OF THEIR ASSES.

TOBY KEBBELL

(as his helicopter goes down)

Dear Billy, thinking that we could have taken down a mythical ape the size of a building was a very stupid idea.

The choppers all CRASH at different parts of the island.

JASON MITCHELL

Well, we survived, but now our whole team is scattered. And even though a lot of our men just died in that attack, thank God our 50 main characters are still alive!

JOHN GOODMAN

Okay, I'll admit it. I lied to you all. 20 years ago, my battleship was sunk by a monster with no conscience, and I was the only survivor. I've been trying to prove it ever since.

JASON MITCHELL

Are we talking about the same monster? Because what I saw today was something justifiably defending itself against intruders who attacked him first.

JOHN GOODMAN

The truth is, this was never just a mapping mission. I work for a secret government organization called Monarch. Our mission is to prove the existence of monsters.

JASON MITCHELL

You're the SHIELD of this universe. We get it.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Well I've lost my men and I'm pissed off! I've completely bypassed wonder, shock, terror, and any other emotion that isn't blind rage! I'm going to kill that thing! GRRRR!!

JASON MITCHELL

That kiiiiinda sounds like you're looking for a fight. Wouldn't a better idea be to retreat, show the army footage of Kong, and then return with enough firepower to turn this whole island into glass? It would also save the men you seem to care so much about.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Look, I've already got my character motivation set up, and I will not change it now because of a little thing like common sense. Now let's find the others!

EXT. VIETNAM-HAWAII-AUSTRALIA ISLAND - ELSEWHERE

TOM, BRIE, COREY and EVERYONE ELSE* (*sorry, there's just too many of them) search for a rendezvous point but end up finding JOHN C. REILLY.

JOHN C. REILLY

Hey y'all! I've been living with this group of indigenous people ever since I crashed here years ago. Come, let me tell you about the legend of Kong. Let me also provide evidence that the writers put all their effort in to my character and virtually no effort into any of yours!

BRIE LARSON

Wait, so are you going to tell us that this "Kong" is actually the guardian of this island? That he's not actually a monster, but rather, one that fights giant, two legged lizard creatures that are way worse than him? And because of the bombs we dropped when we came here, we woke up those very monsters and we're probably going to die without Kong?

JOHN C. REILLY

Well yeah, but mostly, I want to you to help me figure out what these rock drawings are. These natives only know how to draw those 3D Magic Eye pictures. I can't see a damn thing!

TOM HIDDLESTON

Okay look, we've got a refueling team coming in three days on the north end of the island. You should should come with us. We should be able to make it there just as long as all of our hair spray doesn't give out.

JOHN C. REILLY

Sorry, Tom. But I kind of have reservations about how tough you are.

TOM HIDDLESTON

I was recently in a romantic relationship with Taylor Swift.

JOHN C. REILLY

Holy fuck, that is tough. Okay, I'll follow you.

EXT. VIETHAWALIA ISLAND - THE NEXT DAY

They turn JOHN'S old PLANE into a BOAT and regroup with SAMUEL and the others. But SAMUEL insists on continuing the weak storyline of finding TOBY, and leads them all to a creepy BONEYARD. OOOOHH.

JOHN C. REILLY

This is the area where those "skullcrawlers" live. We're most definitely going to die here. Way to go, Sam.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Hey, who's the Colonel around here? And we all know that rule number one in the military is to always lead your men headfirst into unnecessary dangerous situations instead of going around it!

BRIE LARSON

Wait, so everyone else has weapons but I'm still clutching just my camera? I may be anti-gun, but I'm on a mythical island with giant lizard monsters trying to eat me. I think I can change my stance just this once.

Then, a SKULLCRAWLER attacks! And other pterosaur things too!

COREY HAWKINS

SHIT! How did they know we were here?

JASON MITCHELL

Hmm maybe it would help if we didn't make a ton of noise and blow shit up every time we reached a new destination!

JOHN GOODMAN

Nonsense! Now will someone help me with my camera that keeps flashing 50 times a minute-AARGLGH!

(gets eaten)

The soldiers blow more shit up, but accidentally knock out THOMAS MANN and set off a TOXIC GAS. Which they have for some reason.

TOM HIDDLESTON

Oh no! Thomas is in trouble! Stand aside everyone, time for my badass moment!

TOM puts on a GAS MASK, runs through NEON GREEN TOXIC SMOKE, all while shredding pterosaurs with a SAMURAI SWORD.

THOMAS MANN

Thanks Tom. That was... something.

Then, BRIE remembers that the soil is evidently made up of GUNPOWDER, so she throws a lighter at the ground and BLOWS UP the SKULLCRAWLER.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Welp, I don't know about you guys, but I am completely unaffected by this. Come on, men! Continue with me into more danger!

JOHN C. REILLY

Are we really not contemplating wrapping this guy in a makeshift straight jacket right now? Seriously, is there a protocol in the army for when your Colonel loses his damn mind? That seems like something interesting this movie could have explored.

JASON MITCHELL

Dear Billy, big budget action movies don't always require the best of screenwriters.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Bitch please! I've got a battle with an gargantuan ape! ...Uh, I mean, I want to find Toby!

TOM HIDDLESTON

Sorry Sam, but Toby is dead. That lizard thing conveniently puked up his skull and dog tags right next to me. There, that should put things in perspective, right?

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

MUST. KILL. BIG. MONKEY.

SAMUEL goes off, and DAY turns into NIGHT all of a sudden. Meanwhile, TOM and BRIE come face to face with KONG. Showing compassion, BRIE puts her hand on his 20 foot tall face.

BRIE LARSON

This is great! See, with this approach, we still get the "blonde woman has an emotional relationship with Kong" concept, but without the asinine idea of human actually falling in love with a giant gorilla!

TOM HIDDLESTON

Yeah, but do you know what's not great? After 30+ years of filmmaking with green/blue screens, we still can't make it seem like our actors are looking at the same thing.

In the distance, CRAZY SAMUEL sets off explosives to get KONG'S attention.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Okay, so the plan is to take over Kong's island, kill his chimp nephew, and then steal his banana hoard!

JOHN C. REILLY

Sam, you just woke up the big skullcrawler. You fucking idiot. We're all doomed.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Oh shit, I did. Gee, maybe I should reflect on how I try to solve problems with brute force, not to mention my desire to create enemies that aren't there, because that usually leads to more problems- pffft-aaahahahaha! Damn, I almost got through that sentence too. What do you want from me, man? I'm nuts! Speaking of nuts, I just had a great idea! Instead of killing Kong, I'll just take him back to America and make him a side show attraction-

(gets crushed by Kong's fist)

KONG gets up and fights the BIG SKULLCRAWLER, and suddenly it's daylight again!

TOM HIDDLESTON

Everyone get back to the boat! Except you Brie! Go up to the tallest mountain and shoot off some flares next to the two fighting behemoths, even though you could easily do that from the ground!

BRIE does, and gets knocked off the cliff and thrown into the lake below. KONG rescues her from the water, but still has her in his FIST when the SKULLCRAWLER attacks him again!

TOM HIDDLESTON

Oh shit. Brie is dead now.

They keep fighting! The SKULLCRAWLER even SWALLOWS KONG'S FIST with BRIE inside of it!

TOM HIDDLESTON

Oh God, she's dead. Totally dead. Dead as a doornail. Dead, dead, DEAD!

KONG rips out the SKULLCRAWLER'S INNARDS. And it turns out, BRIE survived!

BRIE LARSON

And whatdya know, not a cracked rib or anything!

TOM HIDDLESTON

(pause)

That is some major bullshit right there.

EXT. BACK TO CIVILIZATION

The survivors are rescued and go back home.

JASON MITCHELL

So what do you think, fellas? Should the audience stick around for the end credits scene? Or is it just going to reveal the well known, spoiled filled fact that there's going to be a Kong vs. Godzilla movie?

BRIE LARSON

I think the truly surprising part is that Tom and I are the ONLY ones indoctrinated into Monarch. The two people in this movie with the least characterization!

JOHN C. REILLY

Well, at least I get to go home and see my wife and the son I've never met. It's truly a happy ending for me!

TOM HIDDLESTON

Yeah, it's just too bad you can't tell them what happened to you for the last 20 years. Otherwise, they'd think you're Samuel L. motherfuckin' crazy.

JOHN C. REILLY

Fuck.

END