FADE IN:

INT. AIRPORT

Brothers NICK ROBINSON and TY SIMPKINS are being seen off by their mother JUDY GREER.

JUDY GREER

Have fun at the popular family tourist resort Jurassic World, kids!

NICK ROBINSON

Wait, they actually decided to open the park for real? After the first two attempts each ended in a series of brutal, well-publicized deaths? What insane company would ever try to make this happen again? You might as well try and build a luxury hotel in Chernobyl. Out of asbestos.

JUDY GREER

Oh, I’m sure THIS time the dinosaurs won’t get loose and start eating everybody. And if they do, no doubt it’ll just bring you and your estranged aunt closer, like Sam Neill and those kids in Jurassic Park! And Jeff Goldblum and his daughter in The Lost World! And William H. Macy and Tea Leoni with their son in Jurassic Park 3! Apparently nothing forges bonds between adults and kids like nearly getting their head bitten off.

EXT. ISLA NUBLAR

NICK and TY arrive on the ISLAND and are greeted by their aunt, PARK MANAGER BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD.

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

Now I know this vacation was supposed to help me get to know the two of you better, but I’ll be in meetings all day. Sorry, Brad and Chris. Uh, Steve and Graham? Rudiger and Murgatroyd? Whoever you are, I’m leaving you with my assistant Katie McGrath.

KATIE MCGRATH

Hey kids. If you need me I’ll be ignoring you, staring sullenly at my phone, generally earning myself a spot on the dino snack platter.

While BRYCE fucks off to do WORK STUFF, NICK and TY go around the PARK and see KIDS riding a BABY TRICERATOPS and people RAFTING through a DINOSAUR WATERING HOLE and a SEAWORLD-TYPE EXHIBIT featuring a GIANT MOSASAURUS and GODDAMNIT SCIENCE, WHERE ARE OUR PET DINOSAURS, GET ON THAT SHIT ALREADY.

INT. CONTROL ROOM

BRYCE checks on things in the CONTROL ROOM with general technician guy JAKE JOHNSON.

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

Are you wearing a Jurassic Park T-shirt? Don’t you think it’s in extremely poor taste to make reference to that tragedy? People died!

JAKE JOHNSON

Right, but building a brand new dinosaur park smack dab on the ruins of the old one, featuring as an attraction the exact same tyrannosaurus that once bit a lawyer in half, I’m sure that’s extremely respectful.

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

Hey, we’ve been super tasteful about this! We’ve changed the name of the park by a whole syllable, and made the logo a different color and everything.

JAKE JOHNSON

I’m sorry, I just can’t help but think the original Jurassic Park was a lot cooler than Jurassic World. They knew that all you needed was good old-fashioned dinosaurs, instead of throwing in some made-up super-dinosaur because the suits figure their customers are idiots who constantly demand bigger and meaner monsters.

(pause)

Holy shit, was that on purpose? Did the movie just deliberately point out its own biggest, most glaring flaw? Damn, if these movies are starting to get self-aware then this website is screwed.

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

Bah, say what you want, our focus-grouped spliced-up dinosaur hybrid is going to be a real money spinner! We even carefully chose its name to be catchy and easy for kids to pronounce: Indonimus - uh, I mean Indomimus - Imdominum - shit, two Ns and an M all next to each other like that? We should have just called it Deathosaurus or something.

JAKE JOHNSON

You know, the more you talk, the more I worry about your character. I mean, things like your callous dismissal of ethical concerns, your recklessness in pursuit of the bottom line, your hubris in the face of the power of nature...

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

What? Those are all pretty standard elements of a Michael Crichton villain.

JAKE JOHNSON

See that’s the thing, you’re not the villain. You’re one of the main protagonists.

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

Whuh-oh! Oh well, hopefully they’ll make me look not so bad by throwing in another character who’s all those things you mentioned but taken to Captain Planet-level extremes.

EXT. RAPTOR DEN

ULTRA-EVIL SECURITY CONTRACTOR VINCENT D’ONOFRIO is snacking on KITTEN FACES whilst he watches CHRIS PRATT train some VELOCIRAPTORS.

VINCENT D’ONOFRIO

That’s right, raptors are our pals now! I mean it’s not like anybody can take them seriously anymore after the talking raptor fiasco of the last movie, so we’ve decided to just lean into it. But as much as they make a cool theme park attraction, we at Umbrella-Yutani Inc. just know they’re gonna make even cooler weapons!

CHRIS PRATT

Weapons? Dude, look at these guys, they’ve just barely gotten a grasp of “come” and “stay”. I’m the one person they listen to and they just now almost bit my face off. You really think turning these things loose on the battlefield is gonna revolutionize warfare? It’d be just as effective and a shitload cheaper to just pour out a sackful of irritable leopards.

VINCENT D’ONOFRIO

Ah, but raptors have one distinct advantage: clearly animal cruelty laws don’t apply to them even a little bit. I mean, look at their holding pens.

CHRIS PRATT

What, you mean the tiny cells where we keep them completely immobilized, right down to pinning their heads in place with their mouths strapped shut? ...Okay yeah, that is a bit on the “what the everloving fuck” side, isn’t it.

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

(arriving)

Chris, the kindhearted, naively optimistic head of InGen wants you to come check out the Indominominus Rex’s enclosure.

CHRIS PRATT

Sure, tell Attenborough I’ll be right over.

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

Richard Attenborough died, remember? We’re just giving Irrfan Kahn all his lines and hoping the audience buys him as a brand-new character.

INT. INDOMINUS REX ENCLOSURE

From the observation deck of the INDOMINUS REX’S enclosure, CHRIS espies a bunch of GOUGE MARKS running up one of the walls.

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

And shit, we’re getting no thermal readings, so the Indombledom Rex must have scrabbled up the sheer concrete wall, dropped forrty feet on the other side and hobbled off without anybody noticing! ...Sure, that’s believable. Chris, go down into the enclosure and take a closer look at those gouges while we try and locate the dinosaur’s tracking implant.

CHRIS PRATT

Say, maybe you could do that tracking thing before I head down into the death pit, just in case that ridiculous escape you just described is less likely than the idea that those thermal sensors are on the fritz?

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

Less logic, more gouge-looking-at!

CHRIS and some DISPOSABLE GUYS head into the enclosure. But then BRYCE discovers that the TRACKING IMPLANT is still IN THE ENCLOSURE WHO’DA GUESSED!

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

Shit, it’s in there with you! RUN!

CHRIS PRATT

Wait, which door should we run to? The one all the way across the paddock, or the one literally two feet from where we're standing right now?

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

Either way’s good, just move!

CHRIS starts running ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE PADDOCK, but after the INDOMINUS REX charges out of the trees and EATS one of the OTHER DUDES like a piece of POPCORN, he reconsiders his strategy. He turns around and sprints out the EXIT but is unable to close it before the I-REX squeezes his way out and storms off into the park!

CHRIS PRATT

Damn, those gouge marks were an implausibly elaborate trick! So Bryce, what’s the protocol for an escaped predator?

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

Fluh?

CHRIS PRATT

You do have a set plan for this right? I mean, the first version of this park failed spectacularly as a result of exactly this. Surely you’ve been running drills for this kind of thing? You’ve got evacuation procedures and stuff? Please tell me we’re not going to be desperately cobbling together a plan on the fly.

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

Uhhh, send guys out with nets and tranq darts or something! I dunno! Somebody else be in charge, I gotta find my nephews.

(runs off)

CHRIS PRATT

Nephews, you say? Wait for me! Sure the entire park is in peril now, but why not have the general manager AND the most skilled game warden focus entirely on two kids! I’ve never even met these guys, but what the hell.

(runs after Bryce)

EXT. PARK

Some DINOSAUR WRANGLERS with POINTLESS NON-LETHAL WEAPONS are out tracking the I-REX.

HUNTER THERMIDOR

Shit, I just found the tracking chip on the ground. The I-Rex must have clawed it out!

HUNTER AU GRATIN

If only they'd thought to implant it somewhere on the creature's body that it couldn't reach, as is common practice when microchipping animals as well as being common fucking sense. Anyway, keep an eye out, it could be anywhere!

I-REX

Don't mind me! I'm just a shimmery truck-sized wall of thin air, nothing to see here!

HUNTER ON SOURDOUGH WITH BACON AND MUSHROOMS

Seriously, a giant carnivorous dinosaur with invisibility camouflage? Isn't that the bit from the book The Lost World that the movie left out because it was too goofy? The Lost World being a movie where a velociraptor is killed with gymnastics.

I-REX

Well it's not like I ever use this power again anyway so who cares! RAAAHHH!

(kills everybody)

INT. OFFICE

Park owner IRRFAN KAHN bursts in to confront head geneticist B.D.WONG.

B.D.WONG

That's right everybody, I'm back!

(pause)

I was in Jurassic Park? Guy with a clipboard? No? Well, I'm the only returning character from the entire franchise, so just pretend to give a crap.

IRRFAN KAHN

What the hell, B.D.? Why did you give my dino-hybrid random junk like invisibility powers and the ability to hide from thermal scanners? Did you get drunk while watching Predator again?

B.D.WONG

Those are all unexpected side effects! It got camouflage abilities from its cuttlefish DNA and the thermal thing from frogs and okay come on, are we seriously bringing back the stupid "random filler DNA accidentally gives them convenient abilities" idea? Even back in 1993 that was lame.

IRRFAN KAHN

Wait a minute, is this that thing we do in these sequels, where we grab random scenes from the original book? Like how The Lost World did the waterfall scene, and Jurassic Park 3 did the aviary scene?

B.D.WONG

That's right, after all these years fans finally get to see the scene where Henry Wu discusses the intellectual honesty of genetic engineering in all its cinematic glory!

EXT. PADDOCK

NICK and TY, having long ago ditched KATIE, are driving around in a giant PING PONG BALL.

NICK ROBINSON

So, yeah. Apparently this is a thing they have at the park. They just let you get in a plexiglass sphere and drive around unsupervised right underneath the apatosaurus's feet.

TY SIMPKINS

Even if you're a pair of unaccompanied teenagers, no less. Talk about safety not guaranteed.

NICK ROBINSON

Hey look, a gate to the restricted area of the park is hanging off its hinges as though demolished by some gigantic beast. Let's ignore the massive alarm bells this ought to be sending, and wander into the place that even the people who let us go be a dinosaur soccer ball consider too dangerous!

TY SIMPKINS

Man we're lucky we're kids in an action movie and thus impervious to violent death.

They head into the FORBIDDEN ZONE and soon find themselves being attacked by the INDOMINUS REX! The two SCREAMING KIDS are able to just RUN AWAY from the unstoppable monster, then take refuge in the part of the RUINS of JURASSIC PARK where they used to store all the NOSTALGIC REFERENCES.

NICK ROBINSON

Hey look, one of the old Jurassic Park jeeps! It's not in working condition, but conveniently us middle-class suburban high school kids have mechanic skills, and even more conveniently there's an unexplained car wreck right outside the front door that we can scavenge a battery off of!

TY SIMPKINS

But the most convenient thing of all is that the twenty-year-old tankful of fuel is still perfectly good, when usually gasoline will become unuseable engine-destroying swill after a year or two!

They successfully return to the RESORT, rendering CHRIS AND BRYCE'S RESCUE EFFORTS entirely moot.

INT. CONTROL ROOM

JAKE JOHNSON

So apparently as the I-Rex has been making her way across the island, she's been murdering every apatosaurus she sees for the sheer psychotic thrill of it like a two-storey Jason Voorhees. Surely there's gotta be some way for us to stop this thing.

IRRFAN KAHN

Well, I guess we could always give the helicopter-mounted chain gun a try.

JAKE JOHNSON

...

IRRFAN KAHN

I did mention we had a helicopter-mounted chain gun, right?

JAKE JOHNSON

NO. That sounds like something that might have come in handy a long time ago.

IRRFAN KAHN

Oh well, I'll just fly it on up there now. The I-Rex may have a lot of tricks up its sleeve, but unless B.D. stuck in some hummingbird DNA without telling anybody, it certainly can't fly, so it won't have any defense against us! Unless of course it chooses that exact moment to create a massive airborne threat by total accident.

IRRFAN flies the helicopter out to intercept the INDOMINUS REX, but it inadvertently smashes open the AVIARY and all the PTEROSAURS swarm out! A couple hit the HELICOPTER and cause it to CRASH, while the rest descend upon the RESORT and start attacking the GUESTS!

GUEST

AAAIIIIEEEE! If only we'd been sequestered to our presumably dinosaur-proof guest rooms while a vicious man-eating dinosaur was on the loose! Fuck this park and its criminally negligent lack of safety protocols!

The PTEROSAURS knock people over, scratch and bite them, try unsuccessfully to pick them up, and generally do anything but unambiguously KILL ANYBODY. Oh, except for KATIE, who gets dragged off by a PTERANODON which is itself subsequently snatched out of the sky by the MOSASAUR, thus rendering her DOUBLE-EATEN.

KATIE MCGRATH

Oh well, serves me right for being a somewhat inattentive babysitter!

(swallowed)

Meanwhile, CHRIS and BRYCE find NICK and TY and save them from the PTEROSAURS.

CHRIS PRATT

All right, it was high time that either one of us did anything that did a damn bit of good for anybody!

NICK ROBINSON

And it’s a good thing Ty and me are finally hanging around our aunt, we’re way behind on the usual adult-child bond subplot-

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

Yeah whatever, nobody gives a shit, I found you and we’re automatically bonded. On to more dino-violence!

INT. CONTROL ROOM

VINCENT D’ONOFRIO

With Irrfan dead, control has passed to me and my team of pirate mercenaries. I’ve decided to unloose the raptors to take down the Indominus Rex.

CHRIS PRATT

Fucking WHAT? Putting aside for the moment the question of whether we can really control them, what about the fact that all four raptors together weigh about as much as the I-Rex’s left buttcheek?

VINCENT D’ONOFRIO

My decision is final! Come on man, just picture tomorrow’s headlines: “HERO RAPTORS SAVE THE DAY!”

CHRIS PRATT

I seriously doubt that’s what they’re gonna go with when they also have the option of “EXPERIMENTAL MUTANT LIZARD KILLS EVERYBODY, ALSO PTEROSAUR ATTACK, FAMOUS BILLIONAIRE EXPLODES”.

VINCENT D’ONOFRIO

Look, half the people here payed specifically to see Star-Lord lead his pet raptors into battle, fucking get on with it already.

CHRIS and the MERCENARIES FUCKING GET ON WITH IT. They unleash the RAPTORS, who lead them to the I-REX. But then the RAPTORS don’t ATTACK for some reason.

MERCENARY

The raptors were supposed to herd the I-Rex towards us, but instead they're just standing there, weird. But hey, we still have heaps of guns, let’s just shoot it ourselves!

(pause)

Guys, why aren’t we shooting the I-Rex?

I-REX

Be cool, raptors, I’m one of you! I’m pretty sure that somewhere amongst the frog DNA and cuttlefish DNA and banana tree DNA and whatever, I’ve got a bit of raptor DNA as well!

VELOCIRAPTOR

Oh God, are we really doing the velociraptor language thing again? I thought we were all trying to forget that that ever happened.

MERCENARY

Guys, why are we still not shooting the I-Rex?

CHRIS PRATT

Oh no, the raptors are teaming up with the I-Rex! Damn, if only there’d been any clue that one of the dinosaurs involved in this mystery grab-bag of genes was the only other dangerously intelligent predator on the island.

MERCENARY

WHY THE FUCK ARE WE NOT SHOOTING THE I-REX, IT’S RIGHT FUCKING THERE! SCREW THIS!

The MERCENARIES start attacking the INDOMINUS REX, but then the RAPTORS start killing the MERCENARIES! CHRIS flees back to the FACILITY with BRYCE and the KIDS, and they take refuge in a LAB, where they find VINCENT removing EVIDENCE.

VINCENT D’ONOFRIO

Curses, you’ve found me out! B.D. actually works for me, I got him to deliberately make the Indominus Rex an unstoppable psychotic death machine so that later we could make miniaturized versions to sell to the army.

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

So if you want the army to buy the I-Rex, why are you trying to drum up publicity which characterizes it as a horrifying uncontrollable menace which belongs dead?

VINCENT D’ONOFRIO

Hey, in my head the entire future of warfare revolves around letting dinosaurs run around eating people, clearly I’m out of my fucking mind.

The RAPTORS turn up and EAT VINCENT! But when they get to CHRIS they hold off.

VELOCIRAPTOR

Daww, we can’t kill you, you’re our buddy! We’re switching allegiances again, like the fickle, unreliable dipshits we are.

CHRIS PRATT

Good timing, cause here comes the I-Rex! Go show that test-tube freak the might of the velociraptor!

The I-REX basically swats the RAPTORS like flies.

CHRIS PRATT

Oops.

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

Oh, oh, but conveniently we’re just a light jog from the T-Rex cage! I’ll just go lure her out and lead her here-

CHRIS PRATT

Won’t it catch up to you in like ten seconds? That thing can run as fast as a jeep, and you're wearing high heels.

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

-then I’ll throw a flare at the I-Rex, and the T-Rex will follow the flare and not me-

CHRIS PRATT

That’s the exact strategy which didn’t work at all for Jeff Goldblum in the first movie!

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

-and then the T-Rex will fight the larger, smarter, younger dinosaur and win somehow! It’s the perfect plan!

BRYCE successfully sets the T-REX onto the I-REX and they start fighting! Just when things are looking iffy for the T-REX, the last surviving RAPTOR comes and gives her a hand! Then the MOSASAUR leaps out of its TANK and drags the I-REX to a WATERY GRAVE!

DIRECTOR COLIN TREVORROW

See that, Gareth Edwards? That’s what we call a monster fight. Also known as the thing audiences want to see. Did you notice how I kept the camera pointed at it the whole time?

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

Okay, the Indominium Rex is dead, the pterosaurs are all recaptured or killed or whatever, and the other two dangerous predators still running wild are honorary good guys, so all is well! Also Chris and I devoted about eight nanoseconds of screentime to hooking up, I think?

CHRIS PRATT

Sure, sounds good. Might as well after my wife ran off with that time traveller. OVERLY ELABORATE REFERENCE!

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

Sadly though, the park is done for. No way is anybody ever coming back to one of these disastrous deathtrap islands.

CHRIS PRATT

Don’t be naive, people will come back here one day. The popular appeal of these dinosaurs, the money that stands to be made - corporate greed finds a way.

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

Look, I know InGen is a little loose ethically, but after all these deaths-

CHRIS PRATT

InGen? I’m talking about Universal. This thing made half a billion dollars in three fucking days, they’ll keep making sequels until Sköll devours the sun.

END.