"Wow, playing catch with live grenades is AWESOME!! Me next!! Me next!!"


The Patron-Exclusive Abridged Script

The theatre goes dark and for a brief moment it’s possible this could be anyone’s movie. But in case you were wondering how long it takes to identify a WES ANDERSON movie, well the answer is FUCKING INSTANTANEOUSLY as a PROLOGUE TITLE CARD pops up that practically screams IT'S WES FUCKING ANDERSON, BITCHES at full volume.



We see a fastidiously created JAPANESE TEMPLE.


When he was little, Wes Anderson enjoyed watching Japanese movies where he couldn’t understand any of the dialogue. So he thought he’d share that experience with everyone! Or at least, everyone who can’t speak Japanese. Sure, he could have set this film in an imaginary place with a made-up language, so literally everyone could have the “dialogue is gibberish” experience, but who has time to design something that would require such meticulous, intricate detail?

We see a fastidiously-created ANIMATED SWEEPING MONTAGE of vast-ranging backstory that probably took a few thousand hours to make.


Anyway, what you need to know is that the Mayor of Megasaki City comes from a powerful dog-hating family that has always hated dogs. Recently, a nasty dog virus has begun spreading. Sick dogs have been callously exiled to Trash Island for some time, but now the Mayor wants to send ALL dogs there, even the totally fine innocent ones. It’s possible we’re going for some kind of allegory. Who knows.


Today, Mayor Kobayashi is banishing his young ward’s guard dog, Liev Schnauser. Though since a fair chunk of the city is furious about his plans, seems to me you’d want to keep your GUARD dogs around.

Indeed, LIEV SCHNAUSER is stuck in a CAGE which is hooked to a CABLE and then winched over to TRASH ISLAND where the CAGE is unceremoniously DROPPED. With no food or visible means of escape, we’re left to conclude that we have kicked off this whimsical tale of frolic with some light-hearted DOG MURDER.

Ah ah ah, you didn't say the magic word

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