"Yes, this will be a wry, witty political satire with no room for goofy stoner comedy HAHAHAHAHA GOTCHA SUCKERSSSS!!!"

LONG SHOT

The Patron-Exclusive Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. NAZI CHAPTER MEETING

JOURNALIST SETH ROGEN infiltrates a NAZI MEETING despite being JEWISH, since nobody's handled THAT situation in an Academy-Award-winning fashion anytime lately.

NAZIS

Now for your swastika tattoo!

SETH ROGEN

What, the thing every single Nazi has?! How could I not see this coming! I sure hope my face being all over the Internet doesn't bite me in the ass too!

It DOES, but SETH is able to heroically LEAP OUT A THIRD-STOREY WINDOW and FACEPLANT into a CAR! Luckily he turns into a CGI CARTOON at the last moment and so, does not OBLITERATE HIS FACE AND DIE INSTANTLY.

SETH ROGEN

Huh. Hope we weren't planning on any biting real-world satire later, because this Looney Tunes slapstick would undermine it something awful. Hehhuhhuhhuhhuhhuh

INT. THE WHITE HOUSE

SECRETARY OF STATE CHARLIZE THERON meets with BULLSHIT PRESIDENT BOB OEDENKIRK.

CHARLIZE THERON

It sure is great being the YOUNGEST Secretary of State ever! There, we've done the obligatory acknowledgment that allows movie stars to play these sorts of characters, let's continue.

BOB OEDENKIRK

Charlize, I'm a shitty President that wants to be a shitty movie actor. And what's crazy is, the satirical TV SHOW of me being President, inside this already satirical world, is STILL not nearly as fucked up as the actual President. Anyway I think you should be the next President.

CHARLIZE THERON

Hooray! Since this movie is full of real-world parallels does that mean we're going to address Hillary-

BOB OEDENKIRK

(shakes head vigorously)

INT. SMALL-SCALE UNDERDOG JOURNALISM COMPANY

SETH is called in by boss RANDALL PARK.

RANDALL PARK

Bad news Seth. We've been bought out by a bizarre amalgamation of Rupert Murdoch, Steve Bannon, and Fat Bastard. The good news is you can keep writing your subversive articles, we just need to cut all the nouns and adjectives.

SETH ROGEN

Well fuck this! I quit! I refuse to compromise my principles even slightly!!

RANDALL PARK

So we're setting up an arc where you achieve your goals through compromise and being realistic?

SETH ROGEN

Not even a little bit!! I get everything I want and sacrifice fuck all!

RANDALL PARK

Oh, so it's the classic "politician tells the TRUTH, whaaaa, and enjoys landslide victory because fantasyland" formula?

SETH ROGEN

THERE you go.

INT. BIG FANCY POLITICAL PARTY (AS IN, A PARTY WHERE PEOPLE IN POLITICS DRINK AND SOCIALIZE)

CHARLIZE is busy doing POLITICAL THINGS as SETH ROGEN is brought in by his much richer, more successful buddy O'SHEA JACKSON JR. to do GETTING DRUNK THINGS. Also BOYS II MEN is there!

BOYS II MEN

(await spike in iTunes sales)

CHARLIZE THERON

Hey Seth! How'd you like to merge your political stoner comedy with my political rom-com? We could say we knew each other as kids or something.

SETH ROGEN

Okay, as long as there's an embarrassing underage dick joke involved.

CHARLIZE THERON

Done!

To seal the deal SETH plunges down a flight of STAIRS in a way that should make him DEAD.

INT. CHARLIZE'S FANCY PANTS OFFICE

CHARLIZE THERON

So here's the thing, I need my speeches to not suck. Since your writing does not suck, I figure you can add some of it to my sucky speeches and they won't suck anymore.

SETH ROGEN

It worked for us in grade school, right? Oh wait, you lost class president, no it didn't.

CHARLIZE THERON

It's okay, I only need you to add jokes. Like, after I discuss economic policy, then I crash out a window and faceplant a passing gravel truck, that kind of thing.

SETH ROGEN

Right... or, let's say I start writing full speeches for you and we try making the story a bit more cohesive. Lose the oversized cartoon violence, focus on the romantic-comedy modern-fable stuff. Unless you think it's too late for that?

CHARLIZE THERON

It probably is, but what the hell.

Ah ah ah, you didn't say the magic word

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