FADE IN:

EXT. SICILY

Some MOBSTERS meet with GIANNI PARISI, who is also a MOBSTER.

MOBSTERS

We've got a shipment of underage trafficking victims that we're looking to unload. How much you paying for preteens?

GIANNI PARISI

Nothing at all. We're better men than that. When we kidnap and enslave women for sexual purposes, we make sure they're over 18.

MOBSTERS

Balls, Gianni. Breakin' 'em.

GIANNI leaves them and joins his son, MICHELE MORRONE, who is staring at tourist ANNA-MARIA SIEKLUCKA.

MICHELE MORRONE

Think I could scoop her up as a freebie for myself?

GIANNI PARISI

(looks at her)

Niiiiiice. But don't let pieces of ass like that distract you, son. We have a business to run, you and I, and a bullet might fly through my face at any given--

BULLET

(flies through his face)

MICHELE MORRONE

Okay, fine, you've made your point. From now on it's nothing but our most profitable assets: drone shots, lens flare, and endless indie slow jams.

GIANNI PARISI

(gasping)

The montages, Michele.... You mustn't forget the montages....

MICHELE MORRONE

Of course. Goes without saying. But just so you know, I WILL scoop up that piece of ass if I ever see her again after this. A guy needs a break, right?

GIANNI PARISI

(collapses)

And the eating scenes....

MICHELE MORRONE

Right, the eating scenes. Anything else?

GIANNI PARISI

(hemorrhaging)

Shopping... scenes...

MICHELE MORRONE

Uh-huh. Keep going.

GIANNI PARISI

(dead)

MICHELE MORRONE

And dead-eyed silence. Got it.

EXT. FIVE YEARS LATER

ANNA-MARIA returns to SICILY with her boyfriend, MATEUSZ ŁASOWSKI.

ANNA-MARIA SIEKLUCKA

Wanna fuck?

MATEUSZ ŁASOWSKI

(is bald and fat)

Nah.

ANNA-MARIA SIEKLUCKA

(waits)

How about now?

MATEUSZ ŁASOWSKI

(dresses badly and is kind of ugly)

Nah.

ANNA-MARIA SIEKLUCKA

(waits)

Now?

MATEUSZ ŁASOWSKI

(has a legitimate job and a sense of humor)

Nah.

ANNA-MARIA SIEKLUCKA

ARGH. BORING. I can't wait for some criminal sex god to abduct me and lock me in his castle for the rest of my life.

MICHELE MORRONE

(does)

ANNA-MARIA SIEKLUCKA

Okay, I didn't mean that literally.

MICHELE MORRONE

That's a very specific thing not to mean literally.

ANNA-MARIA SIEKLUCKA

Can we not get hung up on semantics? What I meant was that I can't wait for some guy to fuck me AS IF he's a criminal sex god who abducted me and locked me in his castle for the rest of my life. Very hot in novels, if you have shitty taste in novels. But I didn't actually want the abduction and the locking.

MICHELE MORRONE

But the mansion's cool, right?

ANNA-MARIA SIEKLUCKA

I guess the interiors are fine. At least they could be once you lose those stupid modernist floor lamps. But did you really look at the outside? It looks like someone built a Sandals resort inside a literal prison.

MICHELE MORRONE

Exactly what I was going for. Now, I'm giving you a year to fall in love with me. And before you say you'd sooner rip out my innards and feed them to the pigs, let me remind you that this is what you had going for you before now:

(opens window)

MATEUSZ LASOWSKI

(eats entire kielbasa with one hand while sticking the other in his pants)

MICHELE MORRONE

(closes window)

So?

ANNA-MARIA SIEKLUCKA

Look, I'm not saying I couldn't drown a horse in my panties right now, but why me?

MICHELE MORRONE

Because I spotted you the day my dad died, and then you showed up again, and I just happened to find you alone in a dark alley, so it was fate or something.

ANNA-MARIA SIEKLUCKA

And?! What if Danny DeVito happened to be on the same beach that day and then came back here to buy a time share? Would you make HIM your sex slave?

MICHELE MORRONE

...Okay, clearly your Stockholm syndrome isn't fully inscribed if you can still shoot my horse that hard. Door code to the sex dungeon is 5318008. Safe word is "bumfuzzle." The rest, I'm sure all those novels will help you figure it out. Laters, baby.

(goes off to crime somewhere)

INT. THE NEXT FEW WEEKS

MICHELE drives ANNA-MARIA around town in his LUXURY SUV so she can spend as much of HIS MONEY as she wants on OVERPRICED DESIGNER CRAP.

MICHELE MORRONE

Not so bad, right? Other women get cramped basements, rat shit, and elderly guys with scraggly beards. You get the gold standard of kidnapping experiences.

ANNA-MARIA SIEKLUCKA

Showering me with materialism doesn't change the fact that this is a kidnapping experience, and that should exempt you from ever being loved by another human or any deity you care to name.

MICHELE MORRONE

How about I give you your laptop and cell phone back, which would enable you to share everything I've done and put me at the top of Interpol's watch list, assuming I wasn't already there?

ANNA-MARIA SIEKLUCKA

Brilliant.

(calls home)

Everything's cool.

MICHELE MORRONE

...Wait, what? Why did you do that?

ANNA-MARIA SIEKLUCKA

Beats the shit out of me. Maybe the book explains it, but I'm not even going to look, because we're dealing with the movie.

MICHELE MORRONE

Ooookay.... So, uh, let's get on my private jet and fly to Rome for a cocaine party.

ANNA-MARIA SIEKLUCKA

NO! NO! YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO ME!

MICHELE MORRONE

(facepalms)

Are you trying to perplex me to the point that I get sick of you and drop you back in Poland?

ANNA-MARIA SIEKLUCKA

Is it working?

MICHELE MORRONE

What does it matter? You had a golden opportunity to get rescued, and YOU DIDN'T TAKE IT!

ANNA-MARIA SIEKLUCKA

A golden opportunity that YOU gave me! Which one of us is being confusing here?

MICHELE MORRONE

You're the--GAAAAAH! Why are we wasting our time? I abducted you for one thing, you're staying for one thing, and everyone who's watching turned this piece of shit on for one thing: a slightly more taboo Fifty Shades with hotter lead actors and, somehow, less of a plot.

ANNA-MARIA SIEKLUCKA

Just one more thing so that goes down easier.

(falls into some water)

MICHELE MORRONE

(rescues her)

ANNA-MARIA SIEKLUCKA

Okay, we're good now.

COITUS

(ensues)

(and is actually incredibly hot, like, this is what the Popular with Women tag was made for, but I can't convey that in an abridged script for multiple reasons, so just watch from 1:07:42 to 1:11:50 and then come back here later, I can wait)

INT. THE NEXT FEW MONTHS

MICHELE's right-hand man, BRONISŁAW WROCŁAWSKI, talks to him seriously.

BRONISŁAW WROCŁAWSKI

Michele, I'm worried that your obsession with Anna-Maria is damaging your criming judgment. You incited a gang war just because one of their guys tried to dance with her at a club.

MICHELE MORRONE

Yeah. What's wrong with that?

BRONISŁAW WROCŁAWSKI

I don't know what I expected from someone named "Morrone."

And then... let's see, we've had SHOPPING, PRIVATE JET, YACHT, FABULOUS GAY MAKEOVER, MASKED BALL... what's NEXT?

NATASZA URBAŃSKA

EVIL BLOND EX, BRINGING SOME DRAMA UP INTO THIS BIIIIITCH!

MICHELE MORRONE

Ugh, whatever. I kidnapped her and she's fine with it now. She's made of titanium.

ANNA-MARIA SIEKLUCKA

Actually, I'm very bothered that you have a sexual history. And that a prominent member of it threatened to kill me while I was standing right there. But mostly that you have a sexual history.

COITUS

(ensues)

ANNA-MARIA SIEKLUCKA

Never mind, I'm over it.

MICHELE MORRONE

Good. I'm sending you back to Poland for a while so I can get back to criming.

ANNA-MARIA SIEKLUCKA

Why? I've been at your side during your criming conversations for weeks now. Plus, you know, the whole kidnapping thing.

MICHELE MORRONE

Yes, and in doing so, my enemies now know they can get to me through you. So you have to go back to the first place they'd look for you, which isn't exactly known for its impeccable public-sector ethics. But I'm only scheduled for about two weeks of criming, and then I can come up and meet your family.

ANNA-MARIA SIEKLUCKA

Hmm. All right. Just don't tell them what you do for a living, or they might have an issue with how our relationship started.

MICHELE MORRONE

I'll tell them I'm in solid waste management.

ANNA-MARIA SIEKLUCKA

That'll work.

INT. POLAND

ANNA-MARIA reconnects with her BFF, MAGDALENA LAMPARSKA.

MAGDALENA LAMPARSKA

(actual line)

I thought you were kidnapped!

ANNA-MARIA SIEKLUCKA

I was. But the kidnapper is hot and rich and our sex is awesome.

MAGDALENA LAMPARSKA

Niiiiiice.

MATEUSZ ŁASOWSKI

(shows up)

I miss you. Please accept this--

(takes a bite)

--mostly uneaten kielbasa as a token of my devotion.

ANNA-MARIA SIEKLUCKA

Fuck your kielbasa. Now I get mortadella from all directions.

MICHELE MORRONE

(shows up)

MY mortadella, to be clear.

MATEUSZ ŁASOWSKI

Oh. Well, whatever. I and the kielbasa will be very--

(eats it in three bites)

--happy together.

(leaves)

ANNA-MARIA SIEKLUCKA

So, how did the criming go?

MICHELE MORRONE

Took a bullet, but I think we worked something out. Shall we?

COITUS

(ensues)

ANNA-MARIA SIEKLUCKA

Why was this movie ever anything BUT the sex part?

MICHELE MORRONE

Because it had to get on Netflix for viewers who don't want to admit they want to watch porn.

They meet ANNA-MARIA's parents, GRAŻYNA SZAPOŁOWSKA and TOMASZ STOCKINGER.

MICHELE MORRONE

Hi. We've never met and you have about ten thousand reasons not to approve of me.

GRAŻYNA SZAPOŁOWSKA

So what? We don't expect much. I only married Tomasz so he wouldn't inform on my father for hoarding all that coal.

TOMASZ STOCKINGER

(tweaks her nose)

I still call her my little chimney sweep. Really, Michele, you're as welcome into this family as Anna-Maria herself. More so, now that she's sticking with that godawful blond do.

MICHELE MORRONE

I agree that she looks like a prettier version of Sia now, but I would still like to ask for her hand in marriage.

GRAŻYNA SZAPOŁOWSKA

You got it. I'll get started on the cabbage rolls. So how did you two meet?

ANNA-MARIA SIEKLUCKA

GOLLY IS THAT THE TIME DON'T WE HAVE A PRIVATE JET TO CATCH MICHELE LOVE YA MOM AND DAD LATER

EXT. SICILY

MAGDALENA visits ANNA-MARIA.

MAGDALENA LAMPARSKA

You know, I dig the castle and the luxury SUV and the shopping at all, but I really don't approve of you marrying your kidnapper after only two months. At least give it six!

ANNA-MARIA SIEKLUCKA

Too late. I'm pregnant.

MAGDALENA LAMPARSKA

Oh. Damn.

ANNA-MARIA SIEKLUCKA

Relax, it's only for the rest of this installment. Let's go drive around the countryside without armed guards.

Meanwhile, back at the CASTLE, BRONISŁAW runs up to MICHELE.

BRONISŁAW WROCŁAWSKI

Hey, Michele? Anna-Maria is driving around the countryside without armed guards right now. And you've been criming a lot lately, so the people you've been criming against want to get to you through her.

MICHELE MORRONE

(falls to his knees in despair)

END

BRONISŁAW WROCŁAWSKI

Uh... did you want to do something about--

MICHELE MORRONE

DON'T INTERRUPT ME WHEN I'M DESPAIRING!

BRONISŁAW WROCŁAWSKI

Sorry! Sorry. I'll shut up.

(waits)

(twiddles thumbs)

(reads newspaper)

MICHELE MORRONE

(stands up)

All right, let's crime these criminals.

BRONISŁAW WROCŁAWSKI

Great!

MICHELE MORRONE

Offscreen.

BRONISŁAW WROCŁAWSKI

FUCK