FADE IN:

INT. NAZI GERMANY

Ten-year-old JOJO, played by ROMAN GRIFFIN DAVIS, is heading off to NAZI CAMP along with TAIKA WAITITI in the role of-

TAIKA WAITITI

Wacky Hitler! That’s right, I’m Jojo’s imaginary friend, wacky Hitler! Sieg heil-arious, amirite?

ROMAN GRIFFIN DAVIS

You sure about this? Just that, “wacky Hitler” has been done, like, a lot. Hell, fucking Preacher just finished doing MULTIPLE seasons of wacky Hitler. Maybe it’s time to move on.

TAIKA WAITITI

Oh, so which genocidal maniac SHOULD I be the zany version of then? I don’t think anyone’s in the mood for goofy Pol Pot.

ROMAN GRIFFIN DAVIS

That’s not what I mean. Could we maybe just choose a whole other topic...

TAIKA WAITITI

I WANT TO BE WACKY HITLER DAMMIT. MONTY PYTHON DID IT, MEL BROOKS GOT TO DO IT, NOW I’M GONNA DO IT.

EXT. NAZI YOUTH CAMP

The KIDS begin their training under the tutelage of SAM ROCKWELL and REBEL WILSON, neither of whom really FIT IN with Nazi Germany: SAM because he’s playing a SEMI-CLOSETED GAY MAN, and REBEL because she’s playing THE REBEL WILSON CHARACTER THAT SHE DOES.

NAZI YOUTH

Ha ha, Jojo can’t even murder this tiny rabbit, instead he runs! We shall call him… RABBIT MAN!! No wait, RABBIT GUMP! No, let’s go with Jojo Rabbit.

During training a KID throws something against a TREE and it bounces off and CLOCKS him in the head. Then it’s time for grenade throwing practice!

ROMAN GRIFFIN DAVIS

I’ll show them all and throw this grenade with super enthusiasm! Since we just did the “bounce back comically” gag, we wouldn't do it again RIGHT AWAY...

TAIKA WAITITI

Ha ha, oopsie.

The grenade BLOWS UP right in ROMAN’S FACE! This WOUNDS him terribly and leaves many SCARS, immediately disqualifying him from NAZI CAMP despite the LONG, DISTINGUISHED HISTORY of scarred, maimed Nazi movie villains.

INT. ROMAN’S HOUSE

ROMAN returns to living with his Mom, SCARLETT JOHANSSON.

ROMAN GRIFFIN DAVIS

This is such a bummer, all I do now is menial Nazi errands, and occasionally stop by Sam’s office so he can do an outrageous sight gag. Last time it was the “German shepherd” pun, and I... I wish I was at the front.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

(tapping heel in Morse code)

Hm, what’s that dear? Don’t worry, everything is fine.

(stuffs microfilm into loaf of bread)

We just need to keep our heads down and be loyal citizens.

(aims floodlight at hidden Nazi airstrip)

ROMAN GRIFFIN DAVIS

I hope nothing ever happens to you Mom.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Silly, why would anything happen to me?

(shadow of butcher knife falls over her face)

I’ll always be right here.

(game of Clue tips over, sending Rope token flying and landing on her neck)

ROMAN GRIFFIN DAVIS

I wish Dad would come back, I miss him.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

He’ll be back soon my love. Remember, no noose is good noose. NEWS. Ha ha.

(releases four dozen carrier pigeons)

The next day ROMAN is home alone and stumbles across twentysomething THOMASIN MCKENZIE, who has been secretly living upstairs!

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

Um hello. I’m the, ah, insulation inspector?

ROMAN GRIFFIN DAVIS

Are you a Jewish person hiding in our house?!? Damn, there was NO indication my Mom was capable of anything like this.

(angrily scatters pile of “Better Homes and Hiding Places” magazines)

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

Hm. Well since you believe I have magic powers, if you rat me out, I will stuff your entrails up your nose and then give you a purple nurple. Got it?

ROMAN GRIFFIN DAVIS

Very well. Instead I'll write a book about you, pages of disjointed nonsense based on lies, misinformation, and twisted superstitions. It will have your face on the cover and I'll call it "the Facebook".

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

(thinks)

Drop the "the". Just... "Facebook".

ROMAN GRIFFIN DAVIS

WELL I'M SORRY WE ARE ACTUALLY SPEAKING GERMAN, EVERYTHING HAS ARTICLES, THE SHEESH

(fumes)

INT. ROMAN'S HOUSE - THAT NIGHT

ROMAN and SCARLETT sit down for dinner.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Gosh I'm full, I can't even touch this extra full plate of food I made for, ah, myself. I'll just go upstairs and throw it straight into the wainscotting.

ROMAN GRIFFIN DAVIS

I think something's going on! Ooh, if only Dad were here!

SCARLETT wanders over to the fireplace and begins putting SOOT on her face, causing the AUDIENCE to have a brief moment of OH SHIT NO before we realize she's only applying a FAKE BEARD AND MOUSTACHE in order to imitate her HUSBAND. Who, judging by the amount of soot, is SAN JOSE SHARKS FORWARD JOE THORNTON.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

See, now it is like your Dad is here. Don't fret my love.

ROMAN GRIFFIN DAVIS

Where did Mom go?!? Now Mom is missing!!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

You're not the brightest kid, are you.

EXT. AROUND THE CITY

SCARLETT and ROMAN spend a day outside, strolling through town casually stuffing ANTI-NAZI FLYERS into every available thing that can be stuffed.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Now where shall we have our picnic. Perhaps here, hm, that's a bit too close to the hanging corpses. How about this spot? This is a nice area to rest my feet, which are found inside these quite distinctive red shoes, by the way.

ROMAN GRIFFIN DAVIS

Your feet look great in those nice red shoes. Can you lift them to be level with my eyeline, so I can see them better? Just dangle them there a while, maybe twisting in the wind a bit. Ah that's lovely.

TAIKA WAITITI

(nervously grinning towards camera)

I'd like to apologize to everyone's heartstrings in advance?

INT. ROMAN'S HOUSE

Time passes during which ROMAN starts to become smitten with THOMASIN, and starts feeding her a steady diet of FAKE NEWS about how her boyfriend has dumped her and Churchill was REALLY born in Kenya. But one day there is a SURPRISE NAZI INSPECTION lead by STEPHEN MERCHANT!

STEPHEN MERCHANT

As we learn later, we've already nabbed Scarlett so we should probably just tear this whole place apart, but let's have fun tormenting Roman instead.

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

Hello I'm, ah, Roman's sister! Who I imagine Scarlett never once mentioned during her interrogation.

STEPHEN MERCHANT

She did not! However this whole situation is just too evilly amusing not to string it along, mwah ha ha.

SAM ROCKWELL

(arrives)

Not so fast, I'm here to use my clout to defuse this! It's okay Roman, you're safe.

ROMAN GRIFFIN DAVIS

Phew! And Mom will be home any moment I assume?

SAM ROCKWELL

Not exactly. But I think it's best if I fuck off now and you learn the harsh, traumatizing truth all by yourself. Sieg you later!

EXT. CITY STREET BENEATH CLEAR BLUE NOTHING-BAD-GOING-ON-HERE SKIES

ROMAN takes a walk outside and spots a PRETTY BUTTERFLY.

ROMAN GRIFFIN DAVIS

Ooh neat. I wonder where its home is? Let's follow, perhaps it lives on that pair of dangling red shoes attached to the corpse of OH FUCK ME. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS TAIKA, YOU SAID WACKY HITLER, NOT RIP THE AUDIENCE'S HEARTS STRAIGHT OUT OF THEIR CHEST HITLER. GOD DAMMIT.

TAIKA WAITITI

People got upset when they thought this would be a 100% silly romp set in Nazi Germany, okay? So I thought mixing in some devastating tragedy would help.

ROMAN GRIFFIN DAVIS

WELL I HOPE THOSE PEOPLE ARE HAPPY NOW.

(reads script)

"Jojo attempts to tie her shoelaces, the way his Mom always did for him" FUCK'S SAKE DUDE ARE YOU FOR REAL, WOULD YOU LIKE SOME SAUCE FOR THAT HEAP OF MY OWN GUTS.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

(dangling)

Aw yeah, ain't no way Oscars can snub this.

EXT. CITY - DAYS LATER

ROMAN attempts to get his BOOK published, but sadly does not have the number for the NEW YORK TIMES EDITORIAL DEPARTMENT and so FAILS. At last, the CITY is finally invaded and WAR breaks loose on the streets!

REBEL WILSON

Come along kids, charge to your deaths! Don't forget to strap yourselves with bombs! Holy fuck this is some macabre shit, I doubt THESE clips make the Oscar broadcast.

SAM ROCKWELL

(wearing new, out-of-the-closet sparkly uniform)

Likely not these clips either!

The AMERICAN FORCES take the town and begin EXECUTING German soldiers! ROMAN tries to rescue SAM.

SAM ROCKWELL

It's okay Roman, let me salvage some shred of heroism from my earlier wretched life, critics loved that with Three Billboards. Saving you while being my authentic self should juuust about do it.

(clears throat)

HEY WHO IS THIS APPLE PIE GINGER YANKEE KID?!? PISS OFF, YOU CALVIN AND HOBBES BRAT WHERE HOBBES IS HITLER OOPS FORGET THAT PART, ALSO SORRY FOR THE ANACHRONISM EVERYONE

ROMAN rushes back home where THOMASIN is still hiding.

TAIKA WAITITI

Hey Jojo! I've thought of some truly horrible tragic ways this could end, here's a list. Let me know which one you think is MOST brutal.

ROMAN GRIFFIN DAVIS

NUH-UH WE'RE DONE WITH THAT SHIT, YOU WANTED TO BE WACKY HITLER DAMMIT SO HERE'S WHERE YOU GET YOUR FUCKING WISH

ROMAN comically kicks TAIKA right out the WINDOW and into the CREAM PIE AND MOUSETRAP FACTORY! Then he heads upstairs to talk to THOMASIN though the wall.

ROMAN GRIFFIN DAVIS

I've decided the most heartwarming ending is for me to play an incredibly cruel practical joke on you, where I say the Nazis just won and we're in terrible danger, and now we must flee for our lives.

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

That's fucking sadistic. I can't imagine how I'll react when I learn the truth-

(learns truth)

Oh, YOU.

(smiles)

They DANCE to DAVID BOWIE while not thinking about how they are now all alone fending for themselves in a war-torn country.

END