The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
EXT. EARTH
THOUSANDS OF FIGHTER JETS battle COUNTLESS ALIEN WARSHIPS in a valiant attempt to DISTRACT THE AUDIENCE from realizing the rest of the movie is less “INDEPENDENCE DAY” and more “DEAD POETS SOCIETY IN SPACE.”
ASA BUTTERFIELD
(narrating)
Fifty years ago, aliens invaded Earth and kicked the crap out of us until Ben Kingsley figured out how to win the entire battle with a single blow. Now all the governments on Earth are obsessed with finding the one perfect military child prodigy to lead the human space fleet in round two of the war.
INT. INTERNATIONAL FLEET HEADQUARTERS
COL. HARRISON FORD and MAJ. VIOLA DAVIS are watching a LIVE FEED of ASA BUTTERFIELD beating another kid at a VIDEO GAME because KEEPING UP WITH THE KARDASHIANS is in RERUNS.
VIOLA DAVIS
I’m very uncomfortable with all this.
HARRISON FORD
What, manipulating this child’s entire life to sculpt him into an unstoppable killing machine?
VIOLA DAVIS
No, not that! Our main character is supposed to be six years old! Asa Butterfield is 16! This is bullshit! I’ve read “Ender’s Game” 72 times! I demand we cast an elementary school actor, and nothing you can say will change my mind!!!
HARRISON FORD
Ever seen Phantom Menace?
VIOLA DAVIS
Okay, what if compromise on 12-ish?
HARRISON FORD
I thought you might see it my way. Now, try to ignore the fact that the child we’re watching live video of 24/7 is a young teenager rather than a first grader.
VIOLA DAVIS
Eww. Now I’m VERY uncomfortable with all this.
HARRISON FORD
Remember, it doesn’t matter THAT he masturbates; it only matters HOW he masturbates.
VIOLA DAVIS
And that would be…?
HARRISON FORD
Tactically.
INT. ASA BUTTERFIELD’S HOME
ASA heads home to play games with his brother JIMMY PINCHAK and sister ABIGAIL BRESLIN.
ASA BUTTERFIELD
Okay, everyone in this movie is allowed to draw one and only one “character trait” card. Jimmy, you got “mean.”
JIMMY PINCHAK
I WILL FUCKING STRANGLE YOU!!!
ASA BUTTERFIELD
Abigail, you drew “sympathetic.”
ABIGAIL BRESLIN
I’M SORRY HE TRIED TO STRANGLE YOU!!!
(sighing heavily)
Why bother to bring in an Oscar-nominated teenage actress with tons of actual talent for a role that’s as broad as Val Kilmer’s ass? Fuck it, I’m out of here. See you bitches at the end of Act 2.
Suddenly, HARRISON FORD busts into the family’s living room.
HARRISON FORD
Yer a wizard, Asa! At war games, that is. Now pack your bags because I’m here to take you to Hogwart’s School of Spacecraft and Military Strategy!
ASA BUTTERFIELD
Hey, it’s Geriatric Han Solo! How’d they get you to agree to another sci-fi epic?
HARRISON FORD
They asked me if I wanted to growl at children every 20 minutes for two hours so naturally I agreed. Then when I learned it was for a movie, I was doubly thrilled.
INT. SPACE BOARDING SCHOOL
ASA and a BUNCH OF OTHER KIDS watch a video of BEN KINGSLEY defeating the aliens.
HARRISON FORD
Fifty years ago, aliens invaded Earth and kicked the crap out of us until a young Ben Kingsley figured out how to win the entire battle with a single blow.
ASA BUTTERFIELD
I mentioned that already.
HARRISON FORD
We’re going to mention it a lot. How else could we establish to the audience how dangerous and threatening the aliens are?
ASA BUTTERFIELD
I don’t know, maybe by showing people on Earth living in constant fear of invasion? Or by showing the aliens doing fucking ANYTHING?
HARRISON FORD
Yeah, either of those would be awesome, but they’d also be difficult so fuck it. That’s lesson number one for you, Asa — always take the easy way out. It’s the answer to all life's problems.
INT. BATTLE ROOM
ASA and the OTHER KIDS float around aimlessly in ZERO GRAVITY.
HARRISON FORD
Now it’s time to teach you kids how to play Space Quidditch. Rule #1: All the teams are called “armies” and the entire school revolves around them. Rule #2: There’s a ton of ways to score points, but none of them matter because you automatically win if you send any player through the enemy gate to catch the Golden Snitch.
ASA BUTTERFIELD
Sounds fun, but how will that help us defeat the bugg—
HARRISON FORD
WHOA! Ix-nay on calling them “uggers-bay!” The omosexuals-hay are dying to protest anything associated with author Orson Scott Card as it is.
ASA BUTTERFIELD
Shut up, buttface! My super military genius-ness just helped me figure out that other teenagers will follow me if I am defiant in front of authority figures!
HARRISON FORD
+100 leadership points! I’m promoting you to Hobbit Army!
INT. HOBBIT ARMY DORMITORY, WHICH LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE ASA’S OLD DORMITORY, BUT WE PROMISE IT’S AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT ROOM
ASA moves in with his new Space Quidditch team.
HAILEE STEINFELD
Welcome, Asa! I’m another Oscar-nominated teenage actress wasted on a one-dimensional character. My one character trait is “supportive.” I’m your new best friend and potential love interest.
ASA BUTTERFIELD
Hmm... I’m a 16 year old playing a 12-ish year old who’s supposed to be a 6 year old. Let’s not muddy the waters any further with a romantic subplot.
Hobbit Army Leader MOISES ARIAS storms into the room.
MOISES ARIAS
I hate you, Asa! And I’m going to make your life a living hell!
ASA BUTTERFIELD
Awww, now I see how this army got its name! You’re adorable! I just want to pick you up and put you in my pocket!
MOISES ARIAS
Shut up! I’m not adorable! I’m super scary and intimidating!
ASA BUTTERFIELD
Wooz my scary-wary widdle man? It's you! Oh yes, you are!
MOISES ARIAS
Why is no one ever intimidated by me?!
ASA BUTTERFIELD
Dude, you were in 70 episodes of Hannah Montana.
HARRISON FORD
Yeah, test audiences keep thinking you’re comic relief. I’m going to have to go ahead and put Asa in charge of his own army instead.
INT. DRAGON ARMY DORMITORY, WHICH LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE HOBBIT ARMY DORMITORY, WHICH LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE ASA’S OLD DORMITORY, AND PLEASE DON’T LET THE AUDIENCE REALIZE THAT THIS ENTIRE INTERSTELLAR WAR MOVIE TAKES PLACE IN ONLY SIX DIFFERENT ROOMS, HALF OF WHICH ARE PRECISELY IDENTICAL
Once again, ASA moves in with his new Space Quidditch team. Meanwhile, HARRISON and VIOLA continue to BICKER like they’re in a SANDRA BULLOCK ROM-COM.
VIOLA DAVIS
Has Asa figured out how to beat the bugg—
HARRISON FORD
(Clears his throat loudly)
VIOLA DAVIS
Er, beat the aliens yet?
HARRISON FORD
No, and the screen behind me clearly says we only have 28 days to figure it out. But first, we have an even bigger problem on our hands.
VIOLA DAVIS
What’s that?
HARRISON FORD
The very nature of Asa’s character means he can beat anyone at anything, any time, without even trying. How the fuck are we supposed to create any suspense or drama in the battle room scenes with Asa’s new army?
VIOLA DAVIS
What if we just skip it and show “Dragon Army” slide up the digital scoreboard in cafeteria?
HARRISON FORD
Brilliant. It’s like the high-tech version of having a spinning newspaper headline fly at the screen.
ASA’S TEAM kicks everyone else’s ass OFF-SCREEN for the NEXT 28 DAYS.
HARRISON FORD
Okay, I’ve finally come up with a way to make a Space Quidditch match a challenge for Asa and dramatic for the audience! I’m going to send him against two opposing teams at the same time. And the other teams are going to get a head start. And Asa’s team has to carry an egg on a spoon all the way across the battlefield. And—
ASA BUTTERFIELD
Yeah, while you were talking, I already won that battle ten minutes ago.
HARRISON FORD
How?!
ASA BUTTERFIELD
I remembered your first lesson — always take the easy way out. We just ignored the other team and charged straight through their gate for an instant victory. How am I the only person in an entire school of child prodigies to figure that out?!
HARRISON FORD
You really are the chosen one!
ASA BUTTERFIELD
I guess, but there’s absolutely no way that strategy would have any practical application in a real-world battle, right? Not only would that be incredibly stupid, it would also render the entire battle school and the desperate race-against-time to train a bunch of military savants entirely fucking pointless.
HARRISON FORD
Umm… Hey, look, you graduated! Congratulations!
ASA BUTTERFIELD
Cool, now do I get to fight the aliens?
HARRISON FORD
Heck no! I hope the opening scene didn’t fool you into thinking there would be any of that kind of stuff in this movie. Instead, we’re sending you to another school to play video games against Ben Kingsley. Now go hit the showers, kid!
INT. SHOWER ROOM
ASA is naked and alone, making him the very model of VULNERABILITY. ANYONE would be a THREAT to him right now. ANYONE EXCEPT…
MOISES ARIAS
Die, Asa!
ASA BUTTERFIELD
Seriously? You know you’re at least five inches shorter than me, right? And the audience has seen me train extensively in hand-to-hand combat.
MOISES ARIAS
I was in charge of the double army you just defeated in Space Quidditch! You’ve embarrassed me for the last time, Asa! Now I will kill you!
ASA thoroughly and brutally BEATS THE SHIT out of MOISES.
ASA BUTTERFIELD
Alas, now I am completely disenchanted with violence. I quit.
EXT. SOMEWHERE ON EARTH
ASA has reached his NADIR OF DEEPEST DESCENT, which according to SCREENWRITING 101 requires an OUTSIDE FORCE to show up and REINVIGORATE THE PROTAGONIST just in time for a CRITICAL DECISION at the END OF ACT 2.
ABIGAIL BRESLIN
Hey, I’m back. Harrison Ford brought me here to remind you that I exist. And if you don’t figure out how to defeat the aliens, I might not anymore.
ASA BUTTERFIELD
Your visit has reinvigorated me! And I’ve made a critical decision! I’m going back to outer space to complete my training!
ABIGAIL BRESLIN
Whatever. Me and Hailee are gonna go talk Oscar nominee stuff. You wouldn’t understand.
INT. MILITARY OUTPOST NEAR THE ALIEN HOMEWORLD
ASA is introduced to BEN KINGSLEY, who will train him to be the GRAND ADMIRAL in charge of THE ENTIRE HUMAN SPACE FLEET.
ASA BUTTERFIELD
Wait, if you’re still around, why does the military need me? Why not just lead the human fleet yourself?
BEN KINGSLEY
As the only human who completely understands our enemy, I necessarily feel love for them. Therefore, I might subconsciously hesitate to slaughter them in battle, causing us to lose.
ASA BUTTERFIELD
I had no idea this movie was capable of such complex characterization.
BEN KINGSLEY
It isn’t. I read the book. You see, it turns out that only a child has the purity of heart to utterly crush our enemies into a steaming pool of blood and gore.
ASA BUTTERFIELD
That’s… poetic?
BEN KINGSLEY
(singing)
I believe the children are the future… Teach them slaughter and let them lead the war…
ASA BUTTERFIELD
I guess it’s time for you to reveal your big secret. How did you defeat all the aliens in a single blow in the first war?
BEN KINGSLEY
I didn’t! Surprise! I’m really just some out-of-work actor they hired as a front man! I’m only in it for the drugs and chicks, man!
ASA BUTTERFIELD
Seriously?
BEN KINGSLEY
No, don’t be stupid. Can you imagine? You’d have to be a real asshole who didn’t give a single fuck about your most devoted fans to pull some bullshit twist like that! The truth is, I just blew up the mothership and all the other aliens fell over dead.
ASA BUTTERFIELD
Wow, that’s not like The Avengers at all.
BEN KINGSLEY
At least we fucking explain WHY. The alien soldiers are under the direct psychic control of a bunch of queens—
ASA BUTTERFIELD
Whoa, I thought we were laying off the gay slurs!
BEN KINGSLEY
Ha. Anyway, kill the queens and the individual alien soldiers literally can’t think for themselves. They just go limp and wait to die.
ASA BUTTERFIELD
Kind of like Val Kilmer. Hey-oh!
BEN KINGSLEY
Look, here’s the deal. I’m going to run you through a bunch of space warfare simulations. You’ll control the human fleet, and I’ll control the aliens. We’ve also brought in some of the child prodigies from your Space Quidditch team to serve as your lieutenants. If you kids can defeat me in a series of progressively more difficult battles, we’ll put you in charge of the real war.
ASA BUTTERFIELD
Let’s get started!
AUDIENCE
(blinks)
BEN KINGSLEY
Okay, this is your final simulation! This time, it’s an assault on the alien homeworld. Win this one, and you’re our new Grand Admiral.
ASA BUTTERFIELD
Piece of cake.
BEN KINGSLEY
Not so fast. You’ll be outnumbered two-to-one. Your enemy will have time to lay out its entire defense before your army even shows up. And you’ve got to carry an egg on a spoon all the way across the battlefield.
ASA BUTTERFIELD
This all sounds strangely familiar.
BEN KINGSLEY
Here’s the final twist. We’re giving you access to a new doomsday weapon. Shoot one enemy ship and it’ll explode into a disintegration bubble. Any other ships in that bubble will also explode into their own disintegration bubbles, and so on, in a chain reaction. Get the enemy fleet to fly too close together, and you can take them all out in one shot.
ASA BUTTERFIELD
Yeah, while you were talking, I already did that ten minutes ago. The entire enemy fleet is destroyed.
BEN KINGSLEY
Look again.
A MUCH, MUCH LARGER ENEMY FLEET rises up from the alien homeworld.
BEN KINGSLEY
And now they know how your doomsday weapon works, so they won’t ever fly that close together again! I did it!!! I created a challenge worthy of the great Asa Butter—
ASA BUTTERFIELD
The enemy gate is down. Take the easy way out. Shoot the planet itself.
They DO. The ENTIRE ALIEN HOMEWORLD with ALL THE ALIEN QUEENS melts before their eyes.
BEN KINGSLEY
Holy shit. You killed them all. The entire species.
ASA BUTTERFIELD
Well, a simulation of the entire species.
HARRISON FORD, VIOLA DAVIS, and all the LEADERS OF THE HUMAN MILITARY walk in.
HARRISON FORD
Um, about that. It's all been real. We couldn’t let you know the truth or you might have hesitated.
ASA starts to have an AMAZINGLY POIGNANT SILENT MOMENT that might bring the DEPTHS OF HIS PERSONAL HEARTBREAK and thus the SCOPE OF THIS HORRIFIC WAR CRIME home to the AUDIENCE, but then WRITER/DIRECTOR GAVIN HOOD forces HARRISON FORD to WALK ALL OVER IT.
HARRISON FORD
We’ve got more than enough Oscar nominees in this cast, once you add in Viola and me. Sorry, kid, we’re going to have to hit you with a tranquilizer.
They DO.
BEN KINGSLEY
Nominees? That’s cute. I’ll be over here thinking about Oscar winner stuff. You wouldn’t understand.
INT. EPILOGUE
HAILEE is watching over ASA when he WAKES UP.
ASA BUTTERFIELD
So did you see the twist coming? That was pretty awesome, right?
HAILEE STEINFELD
Yeah, I guess. But there’s one thing I’m still trying to figure out…
ASA BUTTERFIELD
Yeah?
HAILEE STEINFELD
What’s with the Val Kilmer hate all of a sudden? Did that seem gratuitous to anyone else?
HARRISON FORD
Because he gained weight. Let that be a lesson to you, young lady.
HAILEE STEINFELD
Damn. So what’s next in the Ender’s Game franchise? Lots of sequels, I hope?
VIOLA DAVIS
In the next book, 40-year-old Asa travels around the galaxy delivering eulogies for people he’s never met, which is apparently a job in the future. Then one day the internet becomes self-aware and teaches him how to teleport anywhere in the universe using only the power of love.
HAILEE STEINFELD
Are you fucking with me?
VIOLA DAVIS
Google it if you don’t believe me.
HARRISON FORD
Bugger that shit.
END.