FADE IN:

INT. SECRET UNDERGROUND CITY (NOT ZION)

JENNIFER LAWRENCE wanders through DISTRICT 13 while delivering recap as fast as possible.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

After escaping the Games arena I joined these anti-capitol rebels in their Great Shaft of D’ni here while my home district was turned into Pompeii. Now I’m meeting with rebel president Julianne Moore.

JULIANNE MOORE

Hello Jennifer. I’m a political face who rehearses everything I say for perfect effect, so my lines will sound painfully scripted from hereon. We need you to be our Mockingjay.

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

As mascot, you'll inspire people across Panem’s districts to rise up in revolt, since it took 75 fucking years for them to get upset about the annual child slaughtering.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

I should say yes, but I'm upset about JOSH. You know, JOSH HUTCHERSON, who you failed at rescuing from the Capitol's clutches? JOSH is more important than defeating the totalitarian government so I say no. JOSH.

Suddenly JENNIFER’S WHINING is interrupted by a State-of-the-Dictatorship address featuring PRESIDENT DONALD SUTHERLAND.

DONALD SUTHERLAND

(on TV)

Districts of Panem, you have upset the balance of our gracious system. The system where you work to support the Capitol and in return, we publically execute your citizens. Like the ones RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!!

JOSH HUTCHERSON

I’m on like 5,000 Xanax.

DONALD SUTHERLAND

These executions shall motivate you to stay in line. After all, policemen shooting unarmed civilians never spark country-wide protests.

The dictatorfomercial ends.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

I’ll be your Mockingjay if you repeal your pointless ban on cats.

ELIZABETH BANKS

Oh goody, Jennifer’s the Mockingjay! I’ll help her out by doing whatever it is I’m here to do, which seems to be critiquing fashion!

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

I will also accomplish virtually nothing, making it harder to notice when I mysteriously disappear for half of the next movie.

JEFFREY WRIGHT

I’ll give you these super-effective long-range lightweight weapons we don’t equip every soldier with because they aren’t as pouty as you.

JULIANNE MOORE

Holy hell, we’re like an hour into this thing already; I can feel my hair turning greyer.

JENNIFER talks to MILITARY COMMANDER MAHERSHALA ALI in the NUCLEAR WEAPON BUNKER.

MAHERSHALA ALI

We have all these bombs we can’t use, because the Capitol would nuke us right back, killing everybody and wiping out humanity.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Well I think you should have used these bombs years ago. When JOSH said to stop fighting none of you listened, so go nuke the Capitol you selfish hoarders.

MAHERSHALA ALI

Did... did you just advocate a nuclear war? Why are you our mascot, again?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Because I can rock a chic bird suit. As you know in revolutions, one day you’re in, and the next day you’re out.

JENNIFER, MAHERSHALA, LIAM HEMSWORTH, and a bunch of REBELS WITH ROLLY-POLLY BUGS ON THEIR BACKS head to DISTRICT 8 OR 9 for some really nifty B-ROLL.

EXT. DISTRICT 8

JENNIFER and her CAMERA CREW, which does not include a gaffer, boom operator, sound mixer, first or second AC, but it does have a gopher, head to a hospital.

NATALIE DORMER

Ooh, I love how that moaning boy gets in the shot, what suffering. Can everyone else suffer that way? How very photogenic.

Suddenly HOVERCRAFTS attack! JENNIFER takes her sweet, sweet time to draw ONE ARROW and shoot them both down.

NATALIE DORMER

Oh my God, the hospital was destroyed, I’m completely unmoved! How do you feel about that, Jennifer?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

I can’t believe that’s the only arrow I fire this entire movie. I was nervous when I had to do something other than “Fire an Arrow” for the posters; next I won't get to wear a flaming costume again either.

(sighs)

Damn I hate being in anything without David O. Russell's name on the front.

DISTRICT 13 uses the FOOTAGE to make a PROPO that somehow uses THE EXACT SAME SHOT of the hovercrafts crashing even though neither of the camera guys were standing in the right position to film that.

This inspires the CITIZENS OF PANEM to get in NUMEROUS ADVENTURES that are probably far more interesting than what’s happening to JENNIFER, who is resting by riverbeds and playing with an oversized airsoft pellet.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Liam, I know I won’t shut up about JOSH and you’re dull as long division, but I want to kiss you.

LIAM HEMSWORTH

Because you’re feeling lonely and crave companionship through these hard times?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Nah, some fans still think you’re hot and I should end up with you despite the filmmakers spending zero effort on this relationship. At least you’re not a dwarf, though.

LIAM HEMSWORTH

Oh. Well, if you do get lonely, that mute camera guy was talking in sign language about how hot you were and he’s clearly into you. Also I thought he was way sexier than me, but maybe I’m just into bears. Point is, not into you. Can we move on?

Tuning into SOMEWHERE FAR AWAY FROM JENNIFER...

EXT. DISTRICT 5

A bunch of REBELS attack a DAMN GIANT DAM!

CAPITOL SOLDIERS

OKAY EVERYONE! Wait until they dramatically charge out of the mist to start shooting! YOU, stop trying to advance so you can kill most of them before they arrive, we have to wait until they’re twenty feet in front of us! It's only fair!

REBELS

(overpowering the soldiers)

HA HA, WE’RE GOING TO BLOW UP YOUR DAM WITH THESE TIMED EXPLOSIVES!

CAPITOL SOLDIERS

(blowing up)

OH DAMN WHY DID WE LEAVE ALL THESE TIMED EXPLOSIVES WHERE HEAVILY-MONITORED REPRESSED CIVILIANS COULD GET AT THEM???!

CAPITOL

(losing power in every building)

WHY DIDN’T WE INSTALL BACKUP GENERATORS OR GET OUR ELECTRICITY FROM MORE THAN ONE LOCATION AAAAAAUGH!

REBELS

WELL IF HYDRO-ELECTRIC POWER IN THE FUTURE IS EFFICIENT ENOUGH TO POWER YOUR WHOLE CITY THAN YOU'D THINK YOU COULD'VE JUST SHARED THE RESOURCES AT NO COST TO YOURSELVES THAN WE WOULDN'T BE REBELLING AT ALL, HMM?

JEFFREY WRIGHT

Ha, their security systems are all offline! We can send Propos through their television networks which are still running somehow!

INT. DISTRICT 13

The CAPITOL finally has enough of this REBEL BULLSHIT and decides to BOMB DISTRICT 13. Somehow NUKES don’t come into play.

JULIANNE MOORE

Everyone hide in the bunker! That includes young girls who may be tempted to rescue their pet cats!

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Oh no, my sister Willow Shields must’ve gone back for her cat! That I’m missing her in these hundreds of disorganized civilians can’t possibly be the reason I don't see her!

JENNIFER runs out of the bunker to find WILLOW SHIELDS, who’s with LIAM HEMSWORTH.

WILLOW SHIELDS

I can’t leave the cat behind! Except that time I already did when District 12 got fire-bombed. But I want to be Ellen Ripley so bad!

LIAM HEMSWORTH

Hurry! We have to reach the bunker before they seal the doors and lock us out!

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

So? Even if someone doesn't make it, they can just open the doors and let us in. I fail to see how this is tension at all.

LIAM HEMSWORTH

Jen, do we need to bring in Peter Jackson to explain for you how padding works?

After the bombing, JENNIFER and the CAMERA CREW arrive outside to discover the ground covered with... FLOWERS.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Eeek, flowers! They’re the worst! Not timed bombs or chemical radiation or airborne plague or poison, but okay why am I freaking out here.

LIAM HEMSWORTH

Because Sutherland might kill JOSH!

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Oh no! Not JOSH! Put the revolution on hold, I have to go cry because JOSH might get hurt!

LIAM HEMSWORTH

Pipe down, we’re already on our way to go get him. We didn't break the news to you immediately because Woody Harrelson needs something to do.

INT. BROADCAST ROOM

JENNIFER watches LIAM HEMSWORTH and MAHERSHALA ALI invade the capitol to rescue JOSH HUTCHERSON on one monitor while SAM CLAFLIN gives a propo speech on another.

SAM CLAFLIN

When you’re a victor, you’re forced to become an underage prostitute for the wealthy. If you refuse, they kill someone you love.

JEFFREY WRIGHT

How on Earth did the public never hear about this, and how did it not incite riots seventy-five years sooner?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

I'm sure the book explains it and this isn't something we made up two seconds ago for dramatic impact.

WOODY HARRELSON

Actually, the book is worse. The Capitol executed my family because I killed someone in my Hunger Games with a bouncy force field. They also executed Josh’s makeup team for one reason less. Really.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Jesus, Suzanne Collins can’t make these people evil enough.

(thinks)

Except when it comes to killing tributes who openly defy the Capitol and spark a revolution, the Capitol lets that slide.

SAM CLAFLIN

Anyway, the elitists I sold my body to told me their secrets, including the dark story of Donald Sutherland’s rise to power, which you'd also tell your prostitute if he had abs like mine. Sutherland used poison to murder anyone he thought was a threat, just like how he poisoned those flowers and poisoned Jennifer at some party long ago.

(pause)

OH WAIT HE DIDN'T DO THOSE THINGS, because Idiot.

DONALD SUTHERLAND appears on VIDEOCHAT.

DONALD SUTHERLAND

Look, I was in a transitional period, okay? Plus I lost my ricin cigarette. Hello Miss Lawrence, don’t you think I know YOUR FRIENDS ARE RESCUING JOSH RIGHT NOW????

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

ACK! You're going to murder Josh and Liam together, thus breaking my rebellious spirit!

DONALD SUTHERLAND

My plan is far, far more devious than that.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

You're going to insert trackers into Josh and Jena Malone, allowing you to map out District 13 and bomb us to ruins!

DONALD SUTHERLAND

I have a much greater surprise for your destruction.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

You're installing one of those tiny microphones inside Josh so you can hear all the rebels' plans!

DONALD SUTHERLAND

...and I really want to leave you alive or this "Katniss"-chanting army of man-lizards I’m breeding will be a bust.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Da fuck are you talking about?

DONALD SUTHERLAND

Oh, nothing.

INT. DISTRICT 13 – HOSPITAL

LIAM arrives back with JOSH, JENA MALONE, SAM CLAFLIN’S GIRLFRIEND, but not THAT DISTRICT 2 TRIBUTE because Fuck District 2.

JENA MALONE

(says nothing)

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Hey I know a camera guy you should hook up with. OhmyGod, JOSH!

JOSH HUTCHERSON

Jennifer I’m so happy to SMASH YOU THROUGH THIS GODDAMN WINDOW AND CHOKE YOU TO DEATH BIIIIITCH!

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Gurk! Eyes... cannot... bug out... further...

(blacks out)

INT. ELSEWHERE IN DISTRICT 13, IT ALL LOOKS THE SAME KINDA

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

So Josh had his mind hijacked and his memories rewritten, something you’d think would completely alter the entire franchise if the Capitol has had that ability all along.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Of course! This was Sutherland’s master plan: hope Josh's weak tortured body can overcome both me and a bunch of guards who... Who... When did Sutherland become some sort of lame Batman villain?

JULIANNE MOORE

(giving speech)

I hope you’re all ready for the combined weight of this film’s abrupt ending and the credits instantly bitch-slapping you with a reminder that Hoffman is dead. No wonder so many critics left the theater miserable. Yeah, this is supposed to force some kind of closure before the sudden-

The CREDITS bitch-slap us with a RANDY MARSH SONG. Despite the title, there are NO HUNGER GAMES.

VAGUELY "END"-LIKE THING