FADE IN:

EXT. THE PHILIPPINES - 1999

KEN WATANABE and SALLY HAWKINS, who work for a SECRET ORGANIZATION that is so top secret they put their LOGO on their helicopters, and have a LOGO, arrive at a MINING SITE.

MINING SITE GUY

Welcome, Ken and Sally. Check out this enormous fossil we discovered! There's also a giant hole leading to a giant trench where something giant escaped and is headed towards populated areas, but fuck that.

KEN WATANABE

(stunned)

My God, it's... amazing.

SALLY HAWKINS

And look, two egg-sack things, one of which has hatched! Well, I'm sure Godzilla will be along soon to take care of it, restore balance to Nature etcetera, because that's what he does, right Ken?

KEN WATANABE

(stunned)

My God, it's... still the prologue, Sally, so not yet.

INT. NUCLEAR POWER PLANT -- JAPAN

Married scientists BRYAN CRANSTON and JULIETTE BINOCHE arrive for work.

BRYAN CRANSTON

My God... these seemingly innocent readouts, when seen with Protagonist-O-Vision, actually mean something bad is coming! I've got to warn people, we're not safe! Oh and Juliette, take a team down to Certain Death Level 666, okay?

JULIETTE BINOCHE

(winks)

On it!

BRYAN reaches the control room just as POWERFUL TREMORS start happening!

BRYAN CRANSTON

We have to shut everything down! These aren't random earthquakes, something is causing them! Why won't anyone listen to me!! I have actual hard evidence, people!!

RANDOM CO-WORKER

Well, WE choose to believe that these massive earthshocks are just Easter Bunny farts, which means we'll be A-OK totally hunky dory fine.

(plays solitaire)

JULIETTE BINOCHE

(over radio)

Oh shit Bryan, there's a critical breach of stuff! And deadly smoke is approaching in a Resident-Evil corridor-lasers fashion! AAAIIIEEE!!

BRIAN rushes to the containment door!

BRYAN CRANSTON

Hurry Juliette! I'm here!

JULIETTE BINOCHE

(over radio)

I'm sorry my love, it's hopeless. You must close the door, to save everyone else! Farewell...

Faced with onrushing deathsmoke, BRYAN closes the door with a howl of pain. He sobs with grief for all of TWO SECONDS before JULIETTE appears at the window.

BRYAN CRANSTON

Holy fuck I thought you were a lot further away.

JULIETTE BINOCHE

Yeah, me too. Whoops.

(dies)

CUT TO:

INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - THE PRESENT

BRYAN and JULIETTE'S SON, who has grown up to become US ARMY BOMB DEFUSAL SPECIALIST AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON, is returning home from a TOUR OF DUTY.

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Sure is nice to get away from defusing bombs for a while! Bomb defusal being my job, you see.

AARON is greeted by his wife ELIZABETH OLSEN and his kid BORING NEEDSAHAIRCUT KID.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

It's so great you're back! I can't wait to embark on this epic story along with you.

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Yeah, about that.

(answers phone)

I have to go to Japan now. Enjoy being completely useless for the entire movie!

ELIZABETH OLSEN

But I had all these awesome Quicksilver / Scarlet Witch gags I wanted to...

Suddenly all of ELIZABETH'S and BORING KID'S scenes are accidentally deleted and it makes ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING DIFFERENCE.

INT. BRYAN CRANSTON'S APARTMENT OF CRAZY - JAPAN

BRYAN CRANSTON

Thanks for bailing me out, son! They arrested me for trying to get crucial data from our old house, which is now in a restricted zone. The government wants to bury the truth! You gotta help me go back there!

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Don't you think the government will have realized you were after something, and searched the house already, to grab anything useful? Why would your data still be there?

BRYAN CRANSTON

(rolls eyes)

Because it's on disks that I left lying around in plain sight, obviously.

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Well I've had it with your obsession, I'm not getting sucked into your madness again, when do we leave?

EXT. DULL, DRAB QUARANTINE AREA

BRYAN and AARON wander through the DRABSTRICTED ZONE in their DRABMAT SUITS totally out in the open, in case the guys who arrested BRYAN last time are nearby.

BRYAN CRANSTON

I'm not getting any readings on my Geiger counter! Which means either it's broken, or there's no radiation. Guess there's only one way to find out!

(rips off hood)

See? Since I'm not dying horribly, we can rule out the broken-instrument option.

They reach BRYAN'S old house with ease, so good thing AARON stuck around!

BRYAN CRANSTON

Oh good, the disks are still here! And a photo of Juliette! And that tape of "Livin' La Vida Loca" I lost! And my Reebok Pumps! And--

TRUCKFUL OF COPS

Pardon us, but we've snuck up behind you in our magical noiseless stealth truck, and you're under arrest again.

The COPS take BRYAN and HIS FAITHFUL GOLDEN RETRIEVER, DAISY AARON to a TOP SECRET BASE, barreling along a crazy long bridge covered with DEBRIS and WRECKED CARS at 80 MPH because they run on CHALLENGE LEVEL all day, every day.

INT. TOP SECRET BASE

KEN, SALLY, and their team of SCIENTISTS stare at the world's largest, funkiest CABLE MODEM.

KEN WATANABE

(stunned)

My God, the lights... are pulsing faster. Maybe we finally upgraded our download speed!

SECURITY/COP/SOLDIER/WHATEVER GUY

Sir, look at this data we got from Bryan Cranston! Also check out his only photo of Juliette Binoche that we took from him because we are assholes.

KEN WATANABE

(stunned)

My God... it's the same signal now, that it was in 1969! Shut it down! Shut everything down!! And I guess we should kill the giant monster we've imprisoned, too! Fuck it, nuke the entire planet from orbit!!

But just then, the KAIJU starts BUSTIN' LOOSE!!!

GROUND CREW

AAAIIEE RUN AWAY!

(are crushed)

The KAIJU BUSTS MORE LOOSE!

OTHER GROUND CREW

OH SHIT I GUESS WE SHOULD RUN AWAY TOO!

(are crushed)

The KAIJU starts BUSTIN' SO LOOSE IT'S LIKE ALL RICHARD PRYOR UP IN HERE!!

STILL MORE GROUND CREW

HEY IS IT OUR TURN TO RUN AWAY YET? WE DON'T WANT TO GO OUT OF TURN, AFTER ALL A PROPER AND ORDERLY EVACUATION IS CRUCIAL IN SITUATIONS SUCH AS

(are crushed)

AARON gets free and makes himself busy realizing the monster is RIGHT BEHIND HIM, UH-OH! He spots BRYAN on a CATWALK just as the KAIJU DESTROYS IT! BRYAN plummets forty feet to the GROUND and despite it being a summer blockbuster, is actually MORTALLY WOUNDED!

BRYAN CRANSTON

(dying)

I know this sounds weird coming from me, son, but you gotta do whatever it takes... to protect your family.

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Like fail to warn anyone, save anyone, or change anything from happening how it would have anyway?

BRYAN CRANSTON

Oh, fuck you.

(dies)

Luckily AARON is rescued by KEN and SALLY and taken to the next MAJOR LOCATION!

INT. BATTLESHIP

KEN and SALLY consult BRYAN CRANSTON'S NOTES and use their scientific expertise to apply his discoveries to their current knowledge of the situation decide their only hope is talking to AARON.

SALLY HAWKINS

Guess it's time we explained what's going on. Bla bla bla bla bla bla bla

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Thanks. What's your story anyway?

SALLY HAWKINS

I'm here so we don't have to give Ken too many lines of exposition. Inception taught us that.

KEN WATANABE

(stunned)

Godzilla.

SALLY HAWKINS

I need you to think, Aaron. Did your Dad say anything that could help us?

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

He said something about talking. And something about listening. And something about echolocation, which is listening.

KEN WATANABE

(stunned)

My God. So those sound waves coming from the creature in regular patterns, which is what talking is, was talking.

They RUSH to the bridge to present their findings to ADMIRAL DAVID STRATHAIRN.

DAVID STRATHAIRN

Welcome aboard, Aaron. Don't worry, the US military... and apparently no-one else... is on the case. We're going to track the various giant creatures, shoot at them ineffectually, tell the audience what they can see happening, and generally be fucking useless.

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

So who are these other beasties? Rodan? Mothra? What?

DAVID STRATHAIRN

Don't be silly. We're saving recognizable antagonists for the sequels, like Batman Begins did. The bad monsters in THIS movie we call Mostly Unremarkable Trooper-bugs Onsteroids, or MUTOs for short.

AARON gets kicked off the ship for being a USELESS TIT chooses to disembark, but luckily finds some SOLIDERS to take him to the next MAJOR LOCATION!

INT. AIRPORT -- HAWAI'I

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

I'm sure glad that me and my bomb-defusal skills will be heading back to San Francisco, in case any plot points require the defusing of bombs!

Suddenly a RANDOM KID gets on the airport train without his parents! Being the only passenger with a speaking part, AARON steps in to help!

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Hey, little buddy! What do you think you're doing?

RANDOM KID

I thought I should give you some small goal to achieve during this next sequence, other than "watch shit happen". It's not much, but it will at least lead to a dramatic reunion of background characters we don't know anything about.

Nearby, a squad of ARMY DUDES decide to track down the TWELVE-STOREY-TALL RADIOACTIVE-GUZZLING MUTO and fight it with weapons designed to take out humans their own size. This goes POORLY.

MUTO

Hey look, I have the same EMP attack as in Pacific Rim!

(farts out EMP)

But, just when it seems all is fucked, GODZILLA arrives!

GODZILLA

I'M HERE TO KICK ASS AND CAUSE TSUNAMIS, AND I'M NOT ALL OUT OF TSUNAMIS ACTUALLY, SO LOOKS LIKE I CAN DO BOTH

OVER-ZANAXED KID

Wow, a watery wall of death, neat.

(horribly drowned while bones snapped in half)

Huh.

The MUTO forgets to maintain the EMP, and POWER returns!

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Y'know, I do not think EMPs work that way. But fuck it, let's escape!

The stage being set, the AUDIENCE settles in for ROUND ONE of the epic monster battle! GODZILLA ROARS and the MUTO ROARS and GODZILLA DOUBLE-ROARS and then CHARGES and

DIRECTOR GARETH EDWARDS

(interrupting)

Oh, but who gives a shit about THAT, right? Let's cut back to the boring humans and some of that sweet, sweet yammering.

INT. BATTLESHIP

DAVID STRATHAIRN

Both monsters are heading for San Francisco, but why?? ...Hang on, San Fran is the home of Mo-ZILLA Inc! That's it! That's the connection! Quick, fuel up the Firefox jet and get me Clint Eastwood!

SALLY HAWKINS

Wait a sec! There was that second egg back in 1999, that we threw in a radioactive waste heap in Yucca Mountain, the way you do with half the total evidence of an entire species. Maybe what's really calling the MUTO is... its mate!

KEN WATANABE

(stunned)

My God. But... that can't be right, we explicitly said that we dissected the egg first. There's no way it could still hatch, unless by "dissect" we really meant staring at it while y'know REALLY THINKING about it.

INT. YUCCA MOUNTAIN -- STORAGE FACILITY FOR RADIOACTIVE WASTE AND DVDS OF GODZILLA-1998

A stealth team of ARMY GUYS silently enter the facility, tread lightly through the ominous steel hallways, gently opening door after door until finally discovering AN ENTIRE WALL RIPPED THE FUCK OUT AND A GIANT BEAST LUMBERING FULL-SPEED TOWARDS LAS VEGAS.

ARMY CAPTAIN

How the FUCK did we not notice that from the outside.

ARMY SERGEANT

Maybe because we were all looking towards San Francisco, which is THE OTHER WAY? Seriously, Google Map that shit.

SHE-MUTO

LOOK IF I WANT A DAMN BACHELORETTE PARTY BEFORE SETTLING DOWN THAT'S MY OWN DAMN BUSINESS

In the next scene, a group of LAS VEGAS FIREMEN open a door to discover AN ENTIRE WALL RIPPED THE FUCK OUT in a neat visual callback to NINETY SECONDS AGO.

INT. BATTLESHIP

DAVID STRATHAIRN

We need to lure the beasts away from the coast, and since the MUTOs feed on radioactivity we'll use a nuke as bait. But on account of their EMP abilities, it'll have a mechanical timer.

SALLY HAWKINS

So you'll rig the nuke way off shore, then set the timer just before flying it in as close as possible before leaving it adrift? A bit risky, but I guess...

DAVID STRATHAIRN

Oh no, we're going to start the timer on land somewhere up the coast, days in advance, using only the best scientific estimates we can pull straight out of our ass. Then we'll send the fully armed nuke on a slow train to SF, where the monsters are going, and THEN take it offshore. That way it hurtles all the way past risky to utter fucking incompetence, which the monsters won't be expecting!

SALLY HAWKINS

The MUTOs are responding to each others' call, right? Which we have recordings of? Why can't we use that to lure them?

DAVID STRATHAIRN

BECAUSE EVERY STEP OF EVERY PLAN MUST INVOLVE A NUKE THAT'S WHY. C'mon, back me up here, Ken.

KEN WATANABE

(stunned)

I... don't agree with this plan.

DAVID STRATHAIRN

(actual line)

You think we should just let them fight it out?

KEN WATANABE

(stunned)

Well... yes, that's EXACTLY what I think. That's what EVERY LAST GODDAMN PERSON IN THE ENTIRE AUDIENCE THINKS. All we want is to see some proper epic Godzilla fighting, for fuck's sake! Nobody cares about these dumb families and their dumb reunions and kids on the wrong train and shit!! JUST GIVE US OUR FUCKING GODZILLA FIGHT ALREADY!!

DAVID STRATHAIRN

I'm sorry, Ken. The writers only thought of a half dozen combat moves for all the monsters combined, it's barely enough to fill one battle sequence. We've got to save it all up for the end.

Meanwhile, AARON luckily finds some SOLIDERS to take him to the next MAJOR LOCATION!

EXT. TRAIN PASSING THROUGH FORESTED AREA - NIGHT

LIEUTENANT

(noticing other military train)

Look at those Mutant Corps idiots, transporting their meticulously non-metal robots inside a metal train on top of metal tracks. Good luck with THAT, assholes! KAIJU CORPS FOREVER!

STAFF SERGEANT

Excuse me, sir, but there's an unearthly, beastly howl coming from that dark tunnel up ahead. We think that deathtrappy choke-point might not be perfectly safe. In other news, DURRRRRRRRRR

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Don't worry everyone, I'll check the tunnel! Since an entire squad of soldiers with guns failed miserably back in Hawai'i, I'm sure one soldier with one gun will do even better!

The HE-MUTO ATTACKS! SHIT gets FUCKED UP and EXTREMELY MURKY! AARON tries to hide in a CLOUD OF SMOKE but the TRAIN HURTLES TOWARDS HIM ON FIRE!!

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Yay, Ghost Rider's here to rescue us!

HE-MUTO

OR NOT

(whomps Aaron)

Luckily, AARON is RESCUED by more SOLIDERS and taken to the next MAJOR LOCATION!

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO

HE-MUTO and SHE-MUTO check FOURSQUARE to rendezvous at their favourite COFFEE SHOP.

HE-MUTO

Look, honey! I found a nuke to help build our nest with. Though why you didn't just sit tight in Yucca Mountain which is filled to bursting with radioactive crap is beyond me. Ah well, I guess this way it's more evil.

SHE-MUTO

Just why the fuck ARE we the bad guys, anyway? Sure, we leave a trail of destruction, but so does Godzilla! And we're the ones trying to create life and save our species from extinction, his only goal seems to be murdering us. Fuck's sake, he could be the kaiju equivalent of Jason Voorhees for all those humans know.

HE-MUTO

You know the rules, honey. He's the franchise.

SHE-MUTO

You'd think at least one of the science characters would be all "but we can't kill an entire species, bla bla ethics bla"...

(sighs)

Fine, give it here.

SHE-MUTO takes the NUKE and begins lowering it towards her private parts and OKAY NEXT SCENE

EXT. GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE

The MILITARY is trying to evacuate civilians over the bridge when GODZILLA arrives!

MILITARY

QUICK, FIRE EVERYTHING WE HAVE! AMMO FLYING EVERYWHERE IS THE BEST WAY TO PROTECT THESE CIVILIANS!

BUS DRIVER

(flooring pedal)

I'M GONNA SAVE THESE KIDS AND I DON'T CARE HOW MANY HEROIC SOLDIERS I GOTTA RUN DOWN TO DO IT

The MUTOs unleash another EMP which brings down THREE DOZEN FIGHTER JETS!

FIGHTER PILOT

FLY AROUND IN CIRCLES WITHIN EMP RANGE THEY SAID, IT'LL BOOST MORALE THEY SAID

(crashes)

GODZILLA

(facepalms)

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO

GODZILLA enters the city, his MIGHTY GREY FORM striding past GREY BUILDINGS along GREY STREETS and crushing GREY HOUSES and narrowly missing the GREY PRIDE PARADE.

GODZILLA

Holy fuck, everything has become literally one colour? C'mon people, at least the original had black AND white.

A MUTO appears! At LONG LAST, the audience FINALLY gets treated to the much-anticipated ROUND ONE of the epic monster battle and JUST KIDDING A CLOSING DOOR BLOCKS OUR VIEW HAHAHAHAHA PSSYYYYYYCH!!!!!!

INT. MILITARY PLANE

A group of SOLIDERS and their plucky mascot AARON prepare to PARACHUTE.

SQUAD LEADER

Alright men, listen up! We're going in there to get the nuke before it goes off! Remember, avoid the giant monsters at all costs! Don't look at them, or even swing the camera's POV in their direction! We've got to delay audience satisfaction as long as possible!!

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Wow, it's one thing to have a slow build towards a final fight. It takes extra special balls to have a slow build towards joining the final fight already in progress.

AARON and the SOLDIERS get airdropped and drift down RIGHT PAST THE EPIC MONSTER BATTLE but why would we focus on THAT boring crap when you can see Army guys moving around in tight formation, which no movie has ever shown! Anyway they find the MUTO nest which is FULL OF EGGS.

SQUAD LEADER

There's the nuke! Damn, the panel above the timer is jammed shut. Did we bring any rudimentary tools in case this happened? No? We didn't plan on the object handled by giant monsters being dented?!? Holy fuck guys. Fine, we'll carry it to the docks.

Meanwhile the TWO MUTOs confront GODZILLA and FINALLY.... AT GODDAMN MUTHAH-FUCKING LAST... we get to see ROUND ONE (that being THE ONLY ROUND) of the EPIC GIANT MONSTER SMACKDOWN that is the whole point of this exercise!!

GODZILLA

(getting pwned)

ARRRRGH WHERE IS CHARLES BARKLEY WHEN I NEEEED HIIIIIIM

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

That does it! I'm done hitch-hiking my way through this plot! You monsters are gonna pay for all the destruction you've caused... except for Las Vegas of course, because what happens there, etc.

AARON goes all ELLEN RIPLEY on the MUTO EGGS, EXPLODING them! This DISTRACTS the MUTOs just long enough for GODZILLA to rally back!

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Awright!! A human character actually influenced events for the first time!! OH YEAHHH

GODZILLA

Hm, maybe I should use my awesome breath weapon that I've been saving up for some reason.

GODZILLA lights a MOUTH FART and starts SCRAGGING the MUTOS! Then he bitch-tailslaps HE-MUTO into a BUILDING, but it falls on him!!

GODZILLA

GODZILLADAMMIT

Pinned beneath tons of rubble, GODZILLA shares a meaningful look with AARON, they way you yourself might do with an ANT, before PASSING OUT. AARON gets to the DOCKS, finding the NUKE on a BOAT and the REST OF THE ARMY SQUAD inside SHE-MUTO'S BELLY!

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Damn, it's only me left! Well I can push the nuke offshore at least, which kind of counts as doing something, right? So if we include bailing out Dad, that's a grand total of 2.5 things?

SHE-MUTO

NOW YOU DIE FOR A TOTAL OF 2.7 THINGS

(wounds Aaron)

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Oh geez I'm fucked! I wonder what could save me now? Surely there must be a way out of this, maybe a clue is hidden somewhere in title of the movie? What suspense!!

Sure enough, all EIGHTY THOUSAND TONS of GODZILLA manage to SNEAK UP behind SHE-MUTO! GODZILLA shoots his FLAMING VOMIT down SHE-MUTO'S THROAT, DECAPITATING her!

GODZILLA

THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT BITCHES

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Attaboy, Zilly! All that remains is to disarm the nuke before it frags the city. Which means, it's finally time for me to defuse a bomb!! At long last, the payoff of my sole character trait has arrived! Okay, here I

(falls unconscious)

The nuke EXPLODES but whatever.

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO - THE MORNING AFTER

As the harsh light of dawn spills over the wrecked city, GODZILLA shambles wearily to his feet, pops two Aspirin and chugs a glass of tomato juice.

GODZILLA

I'm getting too old for this shit.

END