FADE IN:

EXT. ODO ISLAND, 1945

Kamikaze pilot RYONUSUKE KAMIKI lands his plane at a JAPANESE OUTPOST.

RYUNOSUKE KAMIKI

Hey guys, there’s something wrong with my plane. Just as I was about to follow orders and press the “Crash and Explode and Die” button, the plane inexplicably turned around, flew a hundred miles away from the battle, and landed safely on this island. Weird, right?

(shrugs)

Oh well, as much as I’d love to be an exploded corpse, I guess for now I’ll just have to wait right here on this safe, danger-free-

Suddenly a THIRTY-FOOT-TALL LIZARD MONSTER strides out of the sea and starts STOMPIN’ AND CHOMPIN’ EVERYBODY TO DEATH.

RYUNOSUKE KAMIKI

Oh COME THE FUCK ON.

MUNETAKA AOKI

Shit I know right?! I thought there'd be some slooowww buildup and foreshadowing first but NOPE, gonna throw Godzilla RIGHT in our damn face FIRST FUCKING THING

(gathers self)

As base commander I order you to get back in your plane, and shoot that creature!

RYUNOSUKE KAMIKI

Huh? What are the odds that Godzilla is gonna duck its face right down to where my plane's guns are already pointing? But okay, I'll get in my grounded craft and sit here uselessly if it floats your boat-

GODZILLA

OH HEY COOL PLANE DUDE, WHAT'S THIS WEIRD POINTY THING

(squints into gun barrel)

RYUNOSUKE KAMIKI

Fuck's SAKE... um, ah, OH NO THE TRIGGER IS STUCK GUYS! Yep I'd sure love to risk firing on this only-T-Rex-sized-but-still-scary-as-hell kaiju and bring all its wrath down on me, but instead I'm gonna YOINK

(flees!)

GODZILLA chomps the PLANE causing a HUGE EXPLOSION that KNOCKS OUT RYUNOSUKE until the next morning, when he wakes up to find everyone but him and MUNETAKA has been made into KAIJU CHOW.

RYUNOSUKE KAMIKI

Huh. Maybe if we'd all just played dead right away, everyone could have survived.

MUNETAKA AOKI

Well we'll never know NOW will we? Here, you cowardly asshole, take this set of photographs of everyone who died here today, as a grim reminder.

RYUNOSUKE KAMIKI

You have the WHOLE set? Awesome thanks, now I'm only a few cards short of the full collection! Did you know you can arrange them face-down and the backs combine to make a giant picture of-

MUNETAKA AOKI

AS A GRIM REMINDER I SAID. OF YOUR FAILURE AND ETCETERA. Sheesh.

EXT. WAR-RAVAGED TOKYO

Following JAPAN'S SURRENDER, RYUNOSUKE returns home to find his PARENTS have DIED.

RYUNOSUKE KAMIKI

Oh great, first my fellow pilots, then those guys on the beach, now my parents, is EVERYBODY better at dying than me?

His neighbor SAKURA ANDÔ descends upon him in a fit of rage!

SAKURA ANDÔ

Still alive, I see? Your poor parents would have been so sad to see you return safe from the war, you coward!

RYUNOSUKE KAMIKI

(mumbling)

I mean there were still hundreds of kamikaze pilots still undeployed at the end of the war so without knowing my specific orders you have no reason to-

SAKURA ANDÔ

Oh shut up! All this death and devastation is your fault! I'm sure one more plane blowing up one more ship would have won the whole war for us! Bah!!

EXT. MARKETPLACE - THE NEXT DAY

RYUNOSUKE tries to pick up the shattered pieces of his life, perhaps take a shot at coaching a kamikaze recreational league, but one day a FLEEING WOMAN stuffs a BABY into his arms before vanishing!

RYUNOSUKE KAMIKI

Oh no, REVERSE THIEF! Everyone hang on to your lack of valuables and dependents! Um...

(waits)

I guess none of the dozen cops chasing her are gonna come back to check on this baby.

(waits)

Perhaps if I wait a bit longer, the missing-persons-flyer-mobile will stop by for me to check.

(waits)

Eh fuck it, SO LONG BABY

(prepares to drop baby while winding up kicking leg)

...I can't do it.

MINAMI HAMABE

(appearing)

A-HA! Yes it's me, Reverse Thief, arch-nemesis of the CW's Thief. Now that I know you're a softie at heart we can just move in with you, right?

RYUNOSUKE KAMIKI

Forget it!

(prepares guest room)

(adds Minami as emergency contact)

(shares Netflix password)

ugh FINE. We can share my dimly-lit, tattered-walled, meagerly-furnished home. FOR NOW. Enjoy your stay in the ingrown toenail of luxury.

SAKURA ANDÔ

Oh now you're taking in strays are you? Well I hope you wretched scum like EXTRA FOOD and HELP WITH CHILD CARE!

(gives baby full regimen of vaccines)

Damn this really is the Bleeding Heart District.

And so, RYUNOSUKE and MINAMI and the BABY settle in and try to build a life together, dreaming of slightly better lighting, marginally less tattered walls, and somewhat unmeagered furniture.

MINAMI HAMABE

(looking around at plucky makeshift family surviving against the odds)

Say, what is this feeling? I think I will name this strange brand-new type of emotion, "Hoping Some Human Characters in a Godzilla Movie Don't Die".

RYUNOSUKE KAMIKI

Good news Minami, I got a job as a minesweeper! It's a bit hazardous, but on the other hand it pays WAY better than solitaire, freecell, or pinball, har har har

MINAMI HAMABE

(sighs)

I prefer when you vent your grief through tortured screaming and/or rigid formal posturing, just fyi.

RYUNOSUKE KAMIKI

(leaning in)

BETTER THAN SOLITAIRE KORL

EXT. DOCKS

RYUNOSUKE reports for work and meets the MINESWEEPER CREW!

KURANOSUKE SASAKI

Welcome, I'm your boat captain. This is Hidetaka "the Doc" Yoshioka, and Yuki "The Kid" Yamada. You will be "Ryunosuke", because apparently two nicknames is all I got. The mines we're after are magnetic, so we've craftily made this entire boat out of wood!

HIDETAKA YOSHIOKA

That's not all, these pre-drilled holes all over the hull really improve our sightlines. And to avoid unwanted radar detection, this button causes the entire boat to instantly fall apart into a thousand pieces!

KURANOSUKE SASAKI

We'll drag the mines up and your job is to shoot them with this large gun. You don't have any issues with... SHOOTING anything, do you?!?

(dramatic look)

RYUNOSUKE KAMIKI

Ha ha, no, what, like being ordered to shoot Godzilla and then chickening out, IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE GETTING AT HUH?!?

KURANOSUKE SASAKI

No, I didn't know anything about that.

RYUNOSUKE KAMIKI

Oh. Well we haven't seen the Big G in a while so thought I should bring him up. Let's see... WHOOPS I'M HAVING A NIGHTMARE! AAAIEEE IT'S GODZILLAAAAA

BOAT CREW

(shrug)

INT. RYUNOSUKE'S HOUSE - MARCH 1947

RYUNOSUKE arrives home to find MINAMI in a BUSINESS SUIT, WHAAA?!?

MINAMI HAMABE

I know life's been going well, but there's that pesky detail where you won't commit to me or the baby just because all the rest of each of our three families are dead, and your heart's set on a 300-guest wedding or something. So I got a job!

RYUNOSUKE KAMIKI

But, but we have so much light now! So few tatters! We finally scrubbed the last meager out of the couch! Isn't this enough for you, to simply exist here in relationship limbo indefinitely, with no official status or life of your own?

MINAMI HAMABE

Shockingly, it is not. But don't worry, my new job is in the fashionable Tokyo district of Ginza, recently voted "Most Stompable District" by Mutant Kaiju Monthly!

(winks to camera)

EXT. THE OCEAN - MAY 1947

RYUNOSUKE'S minesweeper boat is sent out with another boat to investigate a giant wrecked-to-fuck USA battleship. But barely have they arrived when PROPERLY KAIJU-SIZED GODZILLA pops out of the OCEAN and chomps the second boat immediately, good thing we've invested in all the characters on THIS boat!

RYUNOSUKE KAMIKI

Gotta say, Godzilla's gotten a lot bigger and more Wolverine-y since the first time I saw him.

HIDETAKA YOSHIOKA

He must have been mutated by US nuclear testing in the Pacific! CURSE YOU J. CILLIAN MURPHY!! AND CURSE YOU TOO MARGOT ROBBIE IF WE'RE STILL DOING THAT WHOLE THING!!

RYUNOSUKE KAMIKI

But hey, if this is America's fault, maybe they can step in and help? This could all go a lot smoothly if a bunch of American heroes swoop in and save the day. Maybe Kurt and/or Wyatt Russell could-

HIDETAKA YOSHIOKA

Hey how about let's NOT have that happen for a goddamn change. Nope, the Yanks and the Reds are both too hepped up on geopolitics to come help us out, we're on our own.

RYUNOSUKE KAMIKI

Could we at least see if our old allies the Germans could lend a hand? I heard of a German called Emmerich who apparently knows how to butcher Godzilla beyond recognition.

HIDETAKA YOSHIOKA

ABSOLUTELY NOT. Now listen, our orders are to stall for time until one of our heavy cruisers, which is roughly the same size and class as this utterly curbstomped USA battleship right over there, arrives to defeat Godzilla singlehandedly. We can defend ourselves with any scavenged mines we didn't blow up first. THERE IS NO FLAW IN THIS PLAN.

KURANOSUKE SASAKI

Right then, FULL SPEED AHEAD! And let's hope that "full speed" of this wooden jalopy equates to being juuuuuuust a bit faster than an enormous charging kaiju.

GODZILLA

(charging)

HEY GUYS I HOPE MY PERFECTLY ROUND PUPPY-DOG EYES DON'T DETRACT FROM MY OVERALL BADASSNESS

Our plucky crew drops a MINE but with NO EFFECT!

RYUNOSUKE KAMIKI

What about if I overcome my fear of shooting at Godzilla by SHOOTING OUR GUN AT GODZILLA, HUH?!? I've unlocked a personal achievement, that's gotta count for something!

GODZILLA

(unharmed)

NOPE

RYUNOSUKE KAMIKI

Uh... what if we drop a mine in your MOUTH and then I shoot it so it explodes in your MOUTH?!?? I mean that shit took out Jaws!

GODZILLA

OH SERIOUSLY DUDE JAWS WAS ONE-HUNDREDTH MY SIZE

(mine explodes half Godzilla's face)

....OW

(begins sinking)

HIDETAKA YOSHIOKA

Yay we actually did it! Godzilla's done for... unless... you DID say he was looking more Wolverine-y, which could mean...

GODZILLA

(regenerating!!)

AW YEAH I'M THE BEST THERE IS AT WHAT I DO, AND WHAT I DO ISN'T VERY NICE, DOES WOLVERINE STILL SAY THAT EVERY ISSUE OR WAS THAT JUST A CHRIS CLAREMONT THING

Just then, the TAKAO HEAVY CRUISER arrives! They trade hits with GODZILLA and just when it seems their shrewd volley of G-1 has assured a victory, suddenly a VAST ENERGY BEAM just decides to call out EVERY CO-ORDINATE ON THE BOARD and the TAKAO EXPLODES!

RYUNOSUKE KAMIKI

Fuck! Quick everyone, get hit by the shockwave or shrapnel or something to lose consciousness! Then we'll skip to the next scene before Godzilla can eat-

(knocked out)

INT. BACK AT RYUNOSUKE'S HOUSE

Having dodged certain death with a quick cut, RYUNOSUKE has an intense conversation with MINAMI.

RYUNOSUKE KAMIKI

I still can't believe our government refuses to warn the public, they're such cowards sort of like when I bailed on the war WHOOPSIE aw fuck it's true, I'm a deserter. Observe my trading cards of shame!!

(pulls photos from protective sleeves inside airtight custom-sized box)

NOW YOU KNOW THE HORRIBLE TRUUUUTH but do you happen to have any cards of the people who died in my hometown because I'm only a few short.

MINAMI HAMABE

Well I appreciate you finally telling me your story, and somehow have no follow-up questions about the part where the giant dinosaur monster came out of the ocean. But listen I'm going to blow your mind, sometimes surviving... is GOOD.

RYUNOSUKE KAMIKI

(blinks)

(pauses)

Huh. You're saying that because I now have a found family and friends and colleagues and just yesterday traded in our last tatter for a new patio umbrella, I should... live?

(ponders)

It's crazy but... okay. I'm in.

MINAMI HAMABE

Great! Yay! Anyhoo I gotta head off to work, we're having a big product launch today of "Kaiju-Pheromone-Scented Corn Pops, No Kaiju Can Resist Travelling Hundreds of Miles to Devour Anything in the General Vicinity of These Corn Pops" OKAY BYYYYEEEEEEEE

(zooms off)

RYUNOSUKE KAMIKI

(long pause)

...waaaaaiiiitaminute

EXT. TOKYO

And sure enough no sooner is MINAMI on the train to WORK than GODZILLA strides into TOKYO!

GODZILLA

ARGH THE DAILY GRIND AMIRITE, HEY YOU GOT ANY SEATS LEFT ON THIS THING

(smashes Minami's train!)

MINAMI HAMABE

(plunging into ocean)

fucking manspreader

IDIOT TV CREW STANDING ON FUCKING ROOF LIKE BUNCH OF IDIOTS

Next on Consumer Watchdog, are roofs of tall buildings safe from a kaiju rampage? We decided to test having Godzilla obliterate this entire building beneath us FUUUUUCCCCKKKKK

(dead)

GODZILLA

(cracks knuckles)

AWRIGHT SINCE THIS IS A REBOOT I'M NOT BOGGED DOWN BY THAT WHOLE PROTECTING-THE-BALANCE-OF-NATURE THING FOR A FUCKING CHANGE

(batista-bombs children's hospital)

NO MORE "OOPSIE I JUST ACCIDENTALLY CRUSHED TOWN HALL WHILE TRYING TO SAVE THE CITY FROM A THREE-HEADED DRAGON" BULLSHIT

(picks up bus, cracks it open and eats the contents like a bag of skittles)

FINALLY I CAN GO BACK TO MY ROOTS AS JUST A BIG ANGRY LIZARD WHO HATES IT WHEN THINGS EXIST

(shoves over skyscraper so that it knocks over the next several skyscrapers like dominos)

CIVILIAN FLYING A THOUSAND FEET AFTER GODZILLA PUNCHES STRAIGHT THROUGH HER APARTMENT BUILDING

Yeah, I guess with the period setting it makes sense to revert you to a hamfisted metaphor for the atomic bomb doesn't it, anyway AAAAAHHHHH

GODZILLA

NOT EVEN REALLY A METAPHOR ANYMORE, CHECK THIS OUT

GODZILLA activates his POP-UP DAY-GLO MUTANT SCALES ACTION which eventually allow him to SPIT AN ATOMIC EXPLOSION onto the OCEAN. The SHOCKWAVE starts ROLLING OVER THE CITY, destroying everything in its path!!

RYUNOSUKE KAMIKI

(arriving and instantly finding Minami amongst a panicked stampeding crowd of hundreds)

Oh hey, if I pull Minami into the safety of this alley and save her life, maybe THAT can redeem me and FINALLY free me of this survivor's guilt!

MINAMI HAMABE

Sorry, did you say you were running low on survivor's guilt? Don't worry, I got you covered.

She SHOVES HIM INTO THE ALLEY and one second later is HIT BY THE SHOCKWAVE and sent FLYING LIKE A RAGDOLL along with a METRIC TON OF DEBRIS, so now in any plausible scenario she is DEAD!

RYUNOSUKE KAMIKI

OOOOHHH THAT DOES IT GODZILLA! You've killed a LOT of people, even if we only the count the ones I've seen firsthand, but NOW you've gone and killed someone I thought was CUTE!

(drops to knees, scream to heaven)

CUUUUUUUTE DO YOU HEAR ME, CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTE

GODZILLA

(twerks)

INT. COMMUNITY CENTRE THING

HIDETAKA takes RYUNOSUKE to a meeting where a concerned citizens' league led by MIOU TANAKA is devising a plan to FUCK GODZILLA UP.

MIOU TANAKA

That pesky USA-Soviet drama is still harshing our buzz, so it's up to us regular citizens to save the day. If it helps, most of us are ex-Navy and we also have four destroyers and a bunch of other resources so it's not like this is an Attack the Block situation or whatever.

KURANOSUKE SASAKE

Besides, sometimes a smaller-scale, scrappier operation is better! Like, for instance, when you only spend fifteen million dollars on an epic period-set monster movie and it turns out amazing. Much better than when you spend up to twenty times that and still don't deliver the goods, no?

THE FLASH

(blushes)

INDIANA JONES AND THE DIAL OF DESTINY

(awkward cough)

ANT-MAN AND THE WASP: QUANTUMANIA

(hangs head)

JOKER: FOLIE À DEUX

LIKE SERIOUSLY I'M JUST ABOUT AN ANGRY CLOWN DANCING WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND, UNLESS IT TURNS OUT WE HAVE TO BATTLE THE ENTIRE BLUE LANTERN CORPS I HAVE TO ASSUME ZASLAV IS USING ME TO LAUNDER MONEY.

MIOU TANAKA

Ha ha, yes, you all suck. Now I'll turn things over to our science expert, Hidetaka.

HIDETAKA YOSHIOKA

Welcome everyone! First off, please observe this model that shows we were NOT seriously pretending that Godzilla was walking along the ocean floor, HAHA WHO WOULD DO THAT, no instead Godzilla was standing on a giant flutterboard thingie.

(smiles)

Here's my plan. I propose using freon gas to-

RYUNOSUKE KAMIKI

Wait a minute. You were on the random minesweeper crew that originally encountered Godzilla, AND you're a renowned science expert that we're now turning to for ideas on killing him?

HIDETAKA YOSHIOKA

Yes, and I know that those feel like they should be two completely different characters, but hey at least this way we save on casting expenses.

(clears throat)

Anyway as I was saying, my plan is to trap Godzilla in a sort of high-tech ocean jacuzzi that will sink him, and then use a high-tech insta-bouncy-castle to float him, and I know this sounds like a pretty silly and anticlimactic gimmick for killing the monster, but don't worry, we'll obviously fail and have to finish him off with louder and more explode-y tactics. This isn't the 1954 movie after all.

RYUNOSUKE KAMIKI

(thinks)

Hmmm, so when that plan fails, what backup tactic could we have for killing Godzilla? Ooh, I know! The one time we seemed to do any harm to him was when we set off the mine in his mouth, which suggests he's less invulnerable from the inside! So we're going to use the exact same winning strategy as How to Train Your Dragon, which was made into a literal joke by Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2.

HIDETAKA YOSHIOKA

Yes but with subtitles, hello Best Foreign Language Film!!

(winks to camera)

RYUNOSUKE KAMIKI

Right. If you can get me a plane, I'll lure Godzilla into your trap and when it fails, perform a certain maneuver that, ah, rhymes with "Gamble Yahtzee" to finish him off, yep.

HIDETAKA YOSHIOKA

That might be a pretty tall order if I didn't happen to know about this prototype experimental fighter over here! It has a super funky design where the propeller is on the REAR, the instruments are behind you, and it's possible we just put the seat in backwards. But it's fast and maneuverable as all hell--

(coughs)

COUGHCOUGHONCEwefixitupfromrottingawayinahangarformanymanyyears

RYUNOSUKE KAMIKI

No no, this is perfect! We can have the plane repaired by my old comrade from Odo, Munetaka Aoki! Sure he hates me with a fiery passion, but with the sheer amount of narrative arc involved, how can he resist?!?

HIDETAKA YOSHIOKA

Are you sure we shouldn't ask all these ex-Navy guys if there's some mechanics amongst them who might-

RYUNOSUKE KAMIKI

IT TIES BACK TO ACT ONE OKAY THAT'S WHAT SERIOUS MOVIES DO

And so, despite the enormous radioactive ticking clock, RYUNOSUKE launches his huge personal side quest to find MUNETAKA, which SUCCEEDS! MUNETAKA proceeds to fix the plane and strap a million pounds of explosives to it.

MUNETAKA AOKI

And that's not all. I've added one more feature...

(whispers)

RYUNOSUKE KAMIKI

Oooh is this like the Buffy finales of Seasons 3 and 8 where you're telling me the big strategic twist in our battle plan, that we'll dramatically reveal just when things seem at their worst? Is Sakura Ando going to turn all potential kamikaze pilots into ACTUAL kamikaze pilots??

MUNETAKA AOKI

Um no, I'm just telling you not to die, idiot. There's an ejector seat and parachute now along with all the other shit. I really am quite the brilliant mechanic to cram this plane to the gills while keeping it all fast and agile. Now go get 'em!

EXT. THE STRIFE AQUATIC WITH GOD ZILLA

Off the shores of TOKYO, the PLAN goes into action! Locating GODZILLA, they lure him towards the preselected GODZILLA SINKY SPOT using a boat carrying a high-quality RECORDING OF GODZILLA'S ROAR which was presumably captured by a TOKYO RESIDENT with EXTREMELY WEIRD PRIORITIES. But then he just CATCHES and DESTROYS THE BOAT!

HIDETAKA YOSHIOKA

Curse that creature's ability to be faster than boats whenever the plot demands it! Now he's coming onto land to attack Tokyo. Let's all go out to that sinky spot so we're there waiting for Ryunosuke to lure Godzilla to us! Which, if we'd done it when we were trying to lure him with the boat, would mean we could have wrapped this up by now.

As the DESTROYERS all go to get in position, GODZILLA heads across the wide open countryside on his way to TOKYO, and on his way makes sure to stroll straight through the ONE SMALL TOWN FOR MILES IN ANY DIRECTION and CRUSH EVERY BUILDING, because the guy just can't help himself. Then RYUNOSUKE ARRIVES flying his BACKWARDS PLANE!

RYUNOSUKE KAMIKI

(firing upon Godzilla)

THAT'S RIGHT, HI THERE BIG FELLA! FOLLOW ME! FOLLOW-

(Godzilla is now speck in rear-view mirror)

Huh, maybe using a plane that can go at four hundred knots to attract a creature with the land speed of a Zamboni is a little much.

Nonetheless, he is able to make GODZILLA follow him all the way out to where all the DESTROYERS await.

HIDETAKA YOSHIOKA

Remember we only have four destroyers, so let's burn one right now by goading Godzilla into laser-zapping it. We're assuming it takes a while to recharge between zaps because otherwise we're all fucking toast anyway.

The CREWED DESTROYERS take position flanking an EMPTY DESTROYER that has been covered with huge banners reading "MOTHRA RULES" and "TIRED: GODZILLA, WIRED: MOTHRA" and "MOTHRA'S EXPECTED GOALS METRICS ON THE POWER PLAY WHEN ADJUSTED FOR QUALITY OF OPPONENT TOTALLY KICK GODZILLA'S ASS". Sure enough GODZILLA begins the DEATH STAR FIRING SEQUENCE...

RYUNOSUKE KAMIKI

Oh hey I've seen this before! I could time my approach to send this flying bomb into his mouth at the last moment, and all that nuclear zap energy would set off internally, fragging Godzilla into a godzillion pieces!

YUKI "THE KID" YAMADA, REMEMBER THAT GUY? FROM THE MINESWEEPER?

(on radio)

But, but I have this whole stirring Dunkirk-slash-Avengers-Endgame surprise reinforcements thing planned, can we keep it going?

RYUNOSUKE KAMIKI

...okay.

(flies in circles)

The DESTROYERS sail around GODZILLA, wrapping cables around him which then unleash the FROTHY SILLY BUBBLES OF DOOM!!

GODZILLA

(sinking)

BLBBLRBBBLRBB TEE HEE THAT TICKLES

HIDETAKA YOSHIOKA

Damn, the massive pressure change didn't do the job! Lucky we have a backup plan: another massive pressure change!!

They activate the MACY'S PARADE GIANT BALLOONS OF DEATH!!

GODZILLA

(rising)

WHEEEEEEEEEEEE

HIDETAKA YOSHIOKA

Dammit he's too heavy, I forgot it was "Kaiju eat free" night at the sushi bar yesterday! Right, cue the heartwarming arrival of the scrappy non-military volunteer fleet!

The combined fleet manages to LIFT GODZILLA back to the surface, and clearly the rapid pressure changes have indeed WOUNDED him and CRACKED HIS SKIN ALL TO HELL and reduced him to speaking NOT IN ALL CAPS.

GODZILLA

Ack... urk... must... reach... moisturizer! Preferably soothing... aloe... mixture with... honey... scent...

After applying a soothing POULTICE, GODZILLA starts charging up yet another NUCLEAR BLAST to finish off the FLEET.

RYUNOSUKE KAMIKI

NOT SO FAST! It's finally time to finish this fight, redeem myself, wrap up narrative arcs, bring the chickens home to roost, pay off all the setups, fire Chekhov's gun, drop the beat, solve the murder, hit the walk-off homer--

GODZILLA

Dude c'mon, how long are you gonna leave me standing here fully charged up with my mouth hanging open.

RYUNOSUKE KAMIKI

Right sorry.

(ejects)

RYUNOSUKE'S PLANE flies RIGHT INTO GODZILLA'S MOUTH and EXPLODES SPECTACULARLY, blowing the ENTIRE TOP OF THE CREATURE'S HEAD OFF!

GODZILLA

no no no you idiots that was a load-bearing skull

(completely disintegrates into a million pieces)

HIDETAKA YOSHIOKA

Hurrah, we did it! Japan is safe! And guess what: Minami is, impossibly enough, still alive and waiting for you in hospital!

RYUNOSUKE KAMIKI

That's amazing! And I don't care what kind of transporter accident she resembles now, I'll still devote myself to-

MINAMI HAMABE

Oh don't worry I'm just a little scratched up, ha ha. The thousand tons of rubble and concrete and tree parts that pulverized me was a through-and-through. I'll be up and about in no time!

And so, ALL IS WELL! ...except, as we view the motionless corpse of GODZILLA, it appears that pesky regeneration factor is STILL ACTIVE! Looks like we're in for some more personal-drama-fuelled mayhem in the next installment... GODZILLA ZERO? GODZILLA MINUS ONE-HALF? We'll get back to you on that.

TOHO STUDIOS

(watching Oscar broadcast)

Oh wow, after entire generations of almost exclusively making cheap-looking cheesy B-movies that nobody outside Japan watched except for hardcore monster movie buffs, we’ve got a universally-beloved prestige picture on our hands! Let’s be sure to strike while the iron's hot!!

(tracks down every copy of the movie)

(seals them in a vault)

(seals the vault in carbonite)

(fires it into deep space)

(dispatches space sharks to devour anybody who comes near it)

(mind wipes everybody involved in the project so that the vault’s location is undiscoverable)

NOW VICTORY IS ASSURED!!

END