FADE IN:

EXT. DETROIT

STEVEN SEAGAL is a LOOSE CANNON who doesn’t play by your RULES, man.

STEVEN SEAGAL

What a unique role for me. Never had to play this character before, no siree Bob.

The VICE PRESIDENT is giving a speech, and everything seems fine, but STEVEN’S KARATE SKILLS tell him that something is amiss. Suddenly, BAD GUYS attack the VICE PRESIDENT! STEVEN uses GUNS KARATE to save the VEEP’S life, but in the process his CAR gets totalled.

STEVEN SEAGAL

Well that sucks. Now I'll have to deal with the hassle of finding new transportation and-

STEVEN arrives at work driving a BRAND NEW TRUCK.

STEVEN SEAGAL

Looks like this is my comeback vehicle.

HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS

Sure thing, buddy.

INT. NORMAL PRECINCT

BRUCE MCGILL

As your stereotypical boss, the only thing I care about is that all of our cannons are extremely tight. Blowing up a helicopter with a pistol is not only laughably unrealistic, it makes it look like my department is full of loose cannons. Do you see the problem here?

STEVEN SEAGAL

Well then I'll just demonstrate my manliness by whining to your boss Bill Duke.

BILL DUKE

I've known Steven for years and I fully support him in everything he does. Everything except, of course, loose cannonry. Cannonery? Cannonicity? Cannonification? I think you get the point.

STEVEN SEAGAL

But I just saved the Vice President’s life!

BILL DUKE

That is merely an inconvenient truth. You're a bad cop who can't be trusted to follow the rules, so the best solution would probably be to put you in a stable area with competent co-workers so that you can learn how to police effectively. On the other hand, I really want to punish you so I'm instead going to move you to our worst district, just to watch you suffer. Neener neener neener!

(sticks out tongue at Steven)

STEVEN SEAGAL

So you're prioritizing petty personal bullshit over serving the community? Good thing that will never come back and bite the police in the ass.

BRUCE MCGILL

Have fun on the Island Of Misfit Loose Cannons!

STEVEN is transferred to THE WORST PRECINCT EVER, OH NO.

INT. WORST PRECINCT EVER

JILL HENNESSY is STEVEN'S new BOSS who, surprise surprise, also hates LOOSE CANNONS.

JILL HENNESSY

This precinct is really tough. So tough, in fact, that we had to put a pretty white woman in charge.

STEVEN SEAGAL

I could tell it was tough by all the loud rap music blaring. Can I go ahead and start breaking wrists?

JILL HENNESSY

First you need to attend anger management classes. They are obviously only for weaklings, and you're so strong that the contrast will be instant comedy!

STEVEN SEAGAL

I'm fine with that as long as I can befriend some loser to illustrate my superior masculinity.

INT. EXPENSIVE CAR DEALERSHIP

DMX is a tough and fearless GANGSTER, unlike his tagalong friend ANTHONY ANDERSON, the BLACK TOM ARNOLD, who is weak and cowardly but compensates with copious amounts of SASS.

DMX

I am trying to establish myself as a serious actor, because for some reason Hollywood loves casting rappers.

ANTHONY ANDERSON

Me too! At least I don’t have to worry about the audience conflating my character in this movie with the character I portray in the music industry.

DMX

Good point. It might take people out of the story a little bit if they keep getting reminded of my rapper persona.

SOUNDTRACK

Y’all gon make me lose my mind! Up in here! Up in here!

DMX

Goddamnit.

ANTHONY ANDERSON

I think your silver Porsche is a little too conspicuous, so let's find you something low-key. We don't want to draw any attention to whatever nefarious business we seem to be engaged in.

DMX

(buys silver Lamborghini, pays in cash)

ANTHONY ANDERSON

This scene was very necessary.

INT. CHURCH BASEMENT OR SOMETHING

STEVEN is forced to attend ANGER-MANAGEMENT CLASSES, which are a huge JOKE and only for PUSSIES, where he meets TOM ARNOLD, the WHITE ANTHONY ANDERSON.

TOM ARNOLD

...so then Anthony says “I bet you an 8-ball I can be more annoying than you,” and here we are. Say, can you teach me how to manage my emotions like a real man?

STEVEN SEAGAL

Real men don’t need to manage their emotions, which I will demonstrate by smashing this desk to pieces.

TOM ARNOLD

Let's be friends - we'll make a hilariously mismatched duo! I'm small while you're big, I'm cowardly but you're brave, and I have at least a little bit of acting ability whereas you are Steven Seagal.

STEVEN SEAGAL

(squints)

EXT. CORNER OF CONVENIENT AVE AND COINCIDENCE BLVD

STEVEN drives by ANTHONY as he hides in the bushes with BINOCULARS.

STEVEN SEAGAL

What a dumbass - those big binoculars make him look really suspicious. It sure would be ironic to find out later that Anthony has access to a vast array of high-tech surveillance equipment!

DMX is trying to buy DRUGS from DAVID VADIM.

DAVID VADIM

Why are we meeting in a public parking garage instead of, say, a backroom at your boy Anthony’s private club?

DMX

We’ll be fine. I got two lookouts and I told them to be extra discrete.

ANTHONY ANDERSON

(off-screen)

Oh hi officer, there is definitely nobody dealing drugs in that parking garage over there.

STEVEN uses KARATE to stop the DRUG DEAL and capture DAVID, but ANTHONY and DMX get away.

DAVID VADIM

I'm actually an undercover cop and we were about to bust DMX before you screwed it up. There's nothing to be suspicious about, so I'm going to give you the worst possible punishment I can think of.

STEVEN SEAGAL

(gasps)

No, surely you can't mean...

DAVID VADIM

That's right, you will have to...

(dramatic pause)

DIRECT TRAFFIC!!! Mwa ha ha ha!!!

STEVEN SEAGAL

Oh God no, anything but that!

(eats entire pint of ice cream)

(cries self to sleep watching first few scenes of Executive Decision)

INT. WORST LOCKER ROOM EVER

STEVEN is depressed because directing traffic involves ZERO KARATE.

STEVEN SEAGAL

I'm so emasculated! I sure wish there was some way I could quickly demonstrate my toughness.

DAVID enters, accompanied by his lackey MATTHEW G TAYLOR, an ARYAN GLADIATORS REJECT who probably keeps asking DAVID to tell him about the RABBITS.

DAVID VADIM

As luck would have it, you're just in time for our daily arm wrestling tournament. Although it's not so much "arm" as it is "chest", and it's less "wrestling" than it is "zapping with a stun gun".

MATTHEW G TAYLOR

Me likey zap!

(is scared of fire)

MATTHEW challenges STEVEN to a DICK-MEASURING CONTEST, but just when everybody has their RULERS out, MICHAEL JAI WHITE steps in to stop all the fun.

MICHAEL JAI WHITE

We're all on the same team here, guys. I'm definitely not secretly evil, which is obvious unless you paid attention during the trailer.

ISAIAH WASHINGTON is STEVEN'S new partner.

ISAIAH WASHINGTON

So why'd you get transferred here? I'm asking because I have no idea what it's like to lose your job for doing something stupid, and I want to make sure I never do that.

STEVEN SEAGAL

They said it was "excessive force," but I only used excessive force on bad guys, so I don't see the problem. Can you give the audience me some background on these other cops?

ISAIAH WASHINGTON

I heard one time Michael killed a dog with his bare hands, so he's surely not secretly evil.

STEVEN’S KARATE SENSES direct him to the EVIDENCE BUILDING, where he luckily arrives just in time to see a group of THIEVES escape with a large stash of HEROIN.

INT. NIGHT CLUB

STEVEN and ISAIAH go to ANTHONY’S CLUB to advance the PLOT. STEVEN squints his way through the crowd until he finds ANTHONY.

STEVEN SEAGAL

Hey there, binoculars guy. You were involved in an attempted drug deal, so that gives me the right to assault you and destroy your property.

ANTHONY ANDERSON

Uh oh, how'd you get in here? The security in my club must be shit - if only I had access to a vast array of high-tech surveillance equipment!

(runs away like a wuss)

DMX

Jesus, this guy won't leave us alone. I'll tell David to get rid of him, because as a drug dealer there's no way I'm secretly a good guy.

(runs away like a badass)

INT. SECRET HEROIN FACILITY

DAVID takes DMX to his overly elaborate heroin trafficking facility where they meet, wait a minute, this can't be right... MICHAEL?!!?!??

MICHAEL JAI WHITE

Bwah ha ha, I'm secretly evil! Who's ready to deal some drugs?

DMX

Before I PURCHASE all this HEROIN from you CORRUPT COPS, I need to see how your whole HEROIN TRAFFICKING OPERATION works. Please explain it to me slowly while looking directly at my watch.

MICHAEL JAI WHITE

(does so)

DAVID and MATTHEW kidnap STEVEN, but he uses KARATE to escape.

INT. DMX'S PAD

STEVEN confronts DMX.

STEVEN SEAGAL

Tom told me how you're secretly a dot-com millionaire, and how your real name is Earl Simmons, and I guess where you live too because I just suddenly appeared here. You tried to get the dirty cops to kill me, but fortunately they fell for the old use-your-feet-to-grab-a-poison-syringe-and-stab-the-driver-in-the-neck trick.

(kicks DMX's ass)

DMX

Look, Squintin Tarantino, I only told David to kill you because I'm secretly a good guy, which definitely makes sense.

(kicks Steven's ass)

STEVEN SEAGAL

Well then I guess we can just abruptly stop fighting and become best friends. All is forgiven!

DMX explains the PLOT.

DMX

The dirty cops framed my brother, so I created a new identity named DMX and somehow convinced them I'm a drug dealer. I guess they don't have anywhere near the investigative powers of Tom, who is a talk-show host.

STEVEN SEAGAL

I mean it's about as believable as you being a computer nerd.

DMX

Touché. My assistant Exposition, I mean Eva, will tell you the rest.

EVA MENDES

We're trying to get video evidence proving the cops are corrupt, so we've assembled a vast array of high-tech surveillance equipment. It's all quite small and inconspicuous, unlike, say, a large pair of analog binoculars.

STEVEN SEAGAL

That's cool but is something wrong with your voice?

EVA MENDES

Apparently they dubbed my lines because I didn't sound "intelligent" enough? It's some bullshit, but I guess intelligence is really important in this film.

ANTHONY ANDERSON

Hey has anyone seen my binoculars?

EXT. PARKING DECK

STEVEN tells JILL about all the dirty cops.

STEVEN SEAGAL

Pretty much everyone except Isaiah is dirty, and they've already tried to kill me once.

JILL HENNESSY

So then they're probably watching you closely, meaning anyone you come in contact with could be in danger. Is there any reason you couldn't tell me this over the phone?

STEVEN SEAGAL

Duh. I can't show off my karate skills over the phone, now can I?

DAVID and MATTHEW try to wreck STEVEN and JILL. STEVEN uses KARATE to escape but JILL, not knowing KARATE, gets wrecked and dies.

INT. SECRET HEROIN FACILITY

STEVEN goes to the WAREHOUSE where the BIG DEAL is going down and calls BRUCE.

STEVEN SEAGAL

Come to the warehouse so we can catch the dirty cops in the act. We'll need a ton of backup too, because seriously like 90% of the department is in on it. I still can't figure out why they haven't either convinced Isaiah to join them or killed him.

BRUCE MCGILL

Oh I’ll bring backup alright. The only reason I wouldn't is if I was corrupt.

BRUCE arrives with no backup. Meanwhile, DMX and MICHAEL try to complete the BIG DEAL.

MICHAEL JAI WHITE

Why did you only bring half of the money, EARL?

DMX

Oh no, my cover is blown or whatever. Guess we better have some preposterous fight scenes.

BRUCE MCGILL

I think it'd be easier if we just shot you both.

(points gun at Steven)

On the other hand, I could just stand here and do the standard villain monologue bit until-

Suddenly, ISAIAH and BILL charge in at the last second!

BRUCE MCGILL

Ha, like I'm worried about some old fart like Bill. What's he gonna do, show me pictures of his grandkids?

BILL DUKE

(is Bill Duke)

BRUCE MCGILL

Shit.

(dead)

MATTHEW shoots STEVEN, but STEVEN survives due to his BULLETPROOF VEST EXCELLENT KARATE SKILLS.

STEVEN SEAGAL

Time for our epic showdown, Michael. We can start by fighting with comically oversized machetes!

MICHAEL JAI WHITE

I counter with obvious wire work! Now I'll escape on the rope ladder attached to the helicopter I somehow knew ahead of time I would need!

STEVEN attaches the ROPE LADDER to the ROOF, straining the LADDER until it breaks, causing MICHAEL to fall directly onto a PIPE and get TOTALLY FUCKING IMPALED, BRO!

STEVEN SEAGAL

(strutting)

Well, well, well, looks like I've got that Most Ridiculous Scene Award locked up, as usual.

DMX

Not so fast. I was on my back, tied my belt around a shotgun, threw it in the air and pulled the belt. The gun not only fired, it stayed aimed in the same direction without changing, there was no kickback, and it shot the bad guy I was aiming for. Then I did the exact same thing AGAIN. I think I'll go ahead and write my acceptance speech.

STEVEN SEAGAL

(awestruck)

Please teach me your ways, oh wise one!

DAVID VADIM

We'll see how wise he is after I use my secret weapon!

(throws sand at DMX)

DMX

(slips)

(falls)

(can't get up)

DAVID starts to beat up DMX, but then DMX pushes him into a wall with a SPIKE conveniently placed at the exact same height as DAVID’S JUGULAR.

DMX

Well, now that we've killed all the bad guys, I guess we can start the long process of proving my brother's innocence. I'm sure there's tons of paperwork, red tape, and legalese to deal with so-

BILL DUKE

I've already released your brother, because that's how jail works.

STEVEN SEAGAL

Great job everyone, I think we proved a very important point. Bad cops are out there, but they can be stopped if we just give the good cops the freedom to do whatever they want with no accountability!

DMX

I thought we were proving the totally original idea that you can combine hip-hop with martial arts and get an entertaining result?

THE WU-TANG CLAN

Excuse me?

TOM ARNOLD

Guys, have you not watched the credits where Anthony comes on my show? The only thing we've proven is that two guys chatting can be more entertaining than an entire Steven Seagal movie!

(is correct)

ANTHONY ends up having a pretty decent career wait what?

END