FADE IN:

EXT. SOUTH PACIFIC OCEAN, DURING A RAINSTORM

A FISHING TRAWLER is sailing along doing fishing trawler things.

AL LEONG

Hi, audience! I'm legendary stuntman and "Die Hard" villain Al Leong. My presence is a sure signal of the high-octane thrills and inventiveness in store! Now to further showcase my talents by

Suddenly a MYSTERIOUS GIANT SHAPE emerges from the ocean and MURDERS EVERYBODY!

DEAD SAILORS

Oh hey, that was basically just a loud and hyper-edited version of the way the 1954 movie started. Maybe this will be a halfway faithful adaptation, surprisingly!

DIRECTOR ROLAND EMMERICH

Wait, that was in the original? I'll be honest, I haven't seen it. Oh well, I'll just be sure to be extra careful to do nothing that even distantly resembles a Godzilla movie from here on out. Thanks, dead people!

DEAD SAILORS

(pout, postmortemly)

EXT. CHERNOBYL

Scientist MATTHEW BRODERICK is studying a MUDDY PUDDLE OF WORMS in CHERNOBYL when he is approached by MILITARY GUY KEVIN DUNN.

KEVIN DUNN

Dr. Broderick, I hate to interrupt your worm experiments that a nobody American scientist is free to conduct independently inside the Chernobyl exclusion zone, which is a totally plausible concept, but the military needs your help!

MATTHEW BRODERICK

I see. Incidentally, my character name is Dr. Tatopoulos.

(holds for laughter)

(keeps holding until it becomes clear that no laughter is forthcoming)

Oh wait, is that just a perfectly ordinary name that's easy to pronounce and not inherently funny at all? Damn, we've built like thirty jokes around that name. Anyway, lead me to the science.

He is flown to the SCIENCE, where he meets VICKI LEWIS.

VICKI LEWIS

Hi, I'm another scientist who is here, I do literally nothing in this movie.

(scopes out Matthew)

But holy shit, would you check out this eye candy! Hubba hubba, what a stud!

MATTHEW BRODERICK

(looks behind him to see who she's talking about)

What, me? You do realize they wound up casting Matthew Broderick in this role, right? Pretty sure somebody forgot to delete that line from the script.

VICKI LEWIS

That's not the only one, characters in this movie are going to be constantly swooning over and deferring to you as though you're, ah...

(quickly googles "1998 Sexiest Man Alive")

...Harrison Ford or something. Eh, enjoy the ride while it lasts, I guess?

KEVIN DUNN

Listen up, you steely-eyed dreamboat! We've brought you here because there's been a bunch of boats being destroyed by some kind of monster as it swims across the ocean. It also got out of the ocean to stroll across the land for a few minutes, seemingly for the sole purpose of leaving a trail of giant footprints, you know how those fantasy monsters love to leave giant footprints.

VICKI LEWIS

I think it's some kind of prehistoric creature from the depths of the sea. Since this has always been Godzilla's backstory, it seems like the best way to proceed with-

MATTHEW BRODERICK

Fuck that mythology-respecting shit, I've got a better one: he's a mutant! I studied Chernobyl worms that mutated to be seventeen percent larger. My theory is that this thing's an iguana or something that got mutated by radiation to be the size of a skyscraper, and be bipedal, and breathe fire, and basically the radiation just zapped it into a monster, we're talking real Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles shit here.

KEVIN DUNN

It's a nuclear mutant? Gosh, that's a concept that never occurred to us!

MATTHEW BRODERICK

Wait, it didn't? Then why the hell did you even bring me here? Nuclear mutants are my entire field of expertise, it's all I do.

EXT. DOCK, NEW YORK CITY, DURING A RAINSTORM

A FISHERMAN goes and casts a line into MANHATTAN'S HORRIBLY POLLUTED WATERS to try and catch some INEDIBLE FISH. Suddenly, his line starts SPOOLING OUT INCREDIBLY FAST and his rod is YANKED INTO THE WATER! Then a GIGANTIC SHAPE starts swimming towards the DOCK!

FISHERMAN

OH NO! When I cast my line twenty feet out into the water, it somehow snagged a monster that was swimming a hundred yards away! Then got pulled out to sea as said monster swam... towards me?

(dock starts exploding under his feet)

AH FUCK IT, IT'LL MAKE FOR A COOL TRAILER AT LEAST

(flees)

Then GODZILLA emerges from the water and we can finally see the new design for OH SWEET CHRIST WHAT ARE WE LOOKING AT.

GODZILLA

What? Is it the massive chin that makes the rest of my head look comically small by comparison? It's the fingers, isn't it. You're suddenly realizing how ridiculous a T-rex would look with human-proportioned arms and super long fingers.

(checks out reflection in side of skyscraper)

Okay, yeah. Mistakes were made. Let's just try our best to work with what we've got.

DIRECTOR ROLAND EMMERICH

What are you talking about? Look how big you are! People loved Jurassic Park because of how big the dinosaurs were, I assume, and you're like WAY bigger, therefore better! Now go smash buildings for me, you beautiful giant skinny bobbleheaded freak!

GODZILLA starts stomping his way through the city while SHITTING OUT ENTIRE BOATS every other block, how many fishing trawlers did this asshole gobble up anyway?!?

INT. NEWSROOM WHERE A RAINSTORM IS HAPPENING INDOORS, JUST ASSUME ABSOLUTELY EVERY SCENE FROM HERE ON IN IS DRENCHED IN RAIN

MARIA PITILLO is a JOURNALIST in a TV NEWSROOM, where the anchorman is HARRY SHEARER, and HANK AZARIA is a CAMERAMAN.

HARRY SHEARER

Hey look everybody, this is what me and Hank's faces look like! Please remember us, we really need to build our profiles to shore up our careers for when The Simpsons ends.

HANK AZARIA

That's right, after ten seasons the show's starting to show real signs of decline, so one can only assume the gravy train's coming to an end soon. Not like we'll still be churning it out a quarter century from now, ha ha!

HARRY SHEARER

(sweating)

Ha ha ha, surely not...

NANCY CARTWRIGHT

(is also in this movie for some reason)

Ha ha ha please God

GODZILLA passes the building!

HANK AZARIA

Holy smokes, I better go out and film this!

MARIA PITILLO

You mean from the side of the street, right? Where you'll be out of harm's way?

HANK AZARIA

No, from immediately in the monster's path where I could easily be stepped on! After all, when filming something the size of fifty elephants, you gotta go in for that closeup!

(nearly gets smushed)

Whew, that was close.

INT. MAYOR'S OFFICE

LORRY GOLDMAN brings the news to MAYOR MICHAEL LERNER.

LORRY GOLDMAN

Mr. Mayor, there's some ridiculous-looking CGI beast aimlessly wandering the city like a lost tourist, causing lots of random property damage!

MICHAEL LERNER

Well gee, I'd like to do something effectual about that, but unfortunately I'm dumb and fat and useless and also I suck, and did I mention I'm fat?

(scarfs candy)

You'll note that I look exactly like film critic Roger Ebert, and you look like Gene Siskel, both of whom dunked on the director's previous movies, and my campaign poster has me giving a thumbs-up. Such a clever and sophisticated joke! Not at all the kind of burn a nine-year-old would think up!

LORRY GOLDMAN

But wait, maybe it's TOO sophisticated and subtle! We should straight-up name these characters "Mayor Ebert" and "Gene", just in case there's some recent lobotomy patients in the audience who can't figure it out!!

MICHAEL LERNER

Of course, if they want to take a swipe at the folks who think Roland Emmerich is a hack director, we really should have been called "Mayor Every Major Film Critic" and his sidekick "Most of the Filmgoing Public As Well".

He reconnoitres with KEVIN.

MICHAEL LERNER

You military types have to do something military to save my political caree- uh, I mean, the city! I don't know what to do, I am dumb as well as fat.

KEVIN DUNN

Well we'd shoot the monster or blow it up or something, but erm, we lost it, it's disappeared.

MICHAEL LERNER

...Seriously? It gave you the slip? How the hell did it manage that, it's bigger than I am and look how FAT I am! Plus UGLY and STUPID with TERRIBLE OPINIONS.

KEVIN DUNN

This is a thing in Godzilla movies, remember? Sometimes the humans need time to do human things, so Godzilla has to just sort of go away for a while.

MICHAEL LERNER

Oh right, he just keeps going back into the ocean. I guess Manhattan is an island, so that's not such a hacky solution.

KEVIN DUNN

(twiddles thumbs awkwardly)

Yes, that would make sense... but instead he's hanging out in the sewer, is what we're saying.

MICHAEL LERNER

(stares, fatly)

The sewer. The creature with shoulders the width of an opera house. Is hiding in the sewer.

KEVIN DUNN

We address it! We explain that he's burrowing around down there like a gopher! Which is a comically idiotic visual, so please don't picture it, especially when we attempt to show it!

MICHAEL LERNER

WHAT?! But that'd mean he'd be carving tunnels down there big enough to fly a jet plane through! He'd be swiss-cheesing the whole city, knocking out the foundations of buildings, shredding our power lines and phone lines and plumbing and turning us into a giant sinkhole!

(looks to camera)

I would just like to remind everybody that I am a big ugly stupidhead, and I wouldn't know a good alien movie if it bit me in my giant flabby ass. Durrr.

KEVIN DUNN

Look, none of this makes sense, who cares, we're just making shit up off the top of our heads to join the action scenes together. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go ask our genius scientist to come up with a strategy that any fifth-grader could have figured out.

MATTHEW BRODERICK

Look, this thing is really just an animal. We should put out food to lure into stopping where we want it to, just like what Wile E. Coyote did with the Road Runner half the time!

VICKI LEWIS

Notice how that's something that I, the dinosaur expert, could have thought of and suggested, instead of "the worm guy"? I seriously don't know what I'm in this movie for.

They amass a GIANT TWENTY-FOOT-TALL PILE OF FISH in TIMES SQUARE. This is a LOT OF FISH, but since that's merely a PLAIN PROSAIC FACT of this scene it would add NO ENTERTAINMENT VALUE for anybody to point this out, so NOBODY DOES. Then GODZILLA arrives and starts devouring the FISH.

MATTHEW BRODERICK

All right, it worked! Now hurry up with the aerial bombardment!

KEVIN DUNN

With the what now?

MATTHEW BRODERICK

...You did set up an airstrike, right? We arranged a precise bullseye location for the target to be, and he came, and he's right here. You guys were prepared to bomb the entire location to smithereens and guarantee the monster is destroyed, surely?

KEVIN DUNN

(scratches head)

Gee, that seems really obvious in hindsight. We're mostly gonna shoot it with guns.

MATTHEW BRODERICK

Wow.

KEVIN DUNN

And some rockets, for what that's worth! FIRE!

They fire BULLETS as well as ROCKETS at GODZILLA. But then DIRECTOR ROLAND EMMERICH notices the FLATIRON BUILDING and the CHRYSLER BUILDING.

DIRECTOR ROLAND EMMERICH

Wait, are those FAMOUS FUCKING LANDMARKS?! Grrrr, I fucking HATE famous landmarks!!

(scribbles into script)

TAKE THAT, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!!

The ROCKETS pause in midair, turn, then blow up the LANDMARKS, allowing GODZILLA to turn tail and run! Helicopters chase after him, firing their AUTO-CANNONS and strafing the fuck out of NUMEROUS APARTMENT BUILDINGS and let's hope all their tenants were able and willing to comply with the evacuation order, and didn't hunker down in their homes!

HELICOPTER PILOT #1

Shit, he's gone around a corner! Better turn the corner as well and follow him. Damn, he's gone around ANOTHER corner! Better take that corner as well. Nuts, he's gone around ANOTHER corner! ...And so on, for waaay longer than you'd think.

Following GODZILLA around like the fiftieth CORNER, the helicopters find a huge HOLE has been ripped straight through a SKYSCRAPER.

HELICOPTER PILOT #1

Fuck, looks like Godzilla's tunnelled his way straight through this building! Even though he's twice as wide as this helicopter so I could easily fly through the hole and maintain pursuit, I think I'll just shoot into the hole and declare Mission Accomplished.

Suddenly GODZILLA bursts out of the OPPOSITE BUILDING and SMASHES TWO HELICOPTERS!

GODZILLA

Ha ha, yesss! I just did a lap of the block so I could pull off that cunning flanking manoeuvre, plus a fake scream as they fired at the wrong spot! Still "just an animal", though.

Another HELICOPTER flees wildly away pursued by GODZILLA hot on his heels!

HELICOPTER PILOT #2

I can't shake him! None of my veering side-to-side is working!! Goddammit if only I hadn't missed "How to Fly Upwards" Day in training--

(looks around)

Oh hey, he's gone! I'm safe!

KEVIN DUNN

(on radio)

Are you sure that he isn't crouched down in the street ahead of you, waiting to jump up and bite?

HELICOPTER PILOT #2

Oh please. The idea that a two-hundred-foot lizard monster could just sort of hunch a bit and I wouldn't be able to spot him is absolutely-

(chomped)

EXT. NON-CURRENTLY-BEING-STOMPED-BY-KAIJU AREA OF DOWNTOWN NEW YORK

Having an IDEA, MATTHEW runs into a CONVENIENCE STORE.

MATTHEW BRODERICK

Okay, just gotta loot myself a couple of-

STORE OWNER

Can I help you, sir?

MATTHEW BRODERICK

Wait, you’re open for business? While the city’s been evacuated? Because of a kaiju attack?

STORE OWNER

Look at the door, sir. Does the sign say “Open all hours EXCEPT during the apocalypse”? No it does not.

MATTHEW BRODERICK

Wow. Manhattan shopkeepers don’t fuck around.

He goes back with his purchases to his SCIENCE TENT, where he fiddles around with TEST TUBES for a while. MARIA shows up.

MATTHEW BRODERICK

Maria? What are you doing here?

MARIA PITILLO

Oh it just so happens that I, your ambitious reporter ex who you haven't had contact with in years, thought that today, the day you become centre of the biggest news story of the century, would be a good day to come shoot the breeze. So, how've you been? Become privy to any classified military secrets lately?

MATTHEW BRODERICK

Yeah, check it out: it turns out Godzilla's pregnant! I found this out by getting some Godzilla pee or something, and checking it with an ordinary convenience store pregnancy test! Which can be used to determine if a radioactive lizard mutant is carrying eggs, is what we're claiming!

MARIA PITILLO

(surreptitiously scribbling notes)

You don't say. Hey, what's this videotape here, labeled "CLASSIFIED FIRST GODZILLA SIGHTING TOP SECRET SSHHH"?

MATTHEW BRODERICK

That's basically an edited montage of the first few scenes of this movie. Which I've brought to this tent even though it contains zero information I don't already know. Hell, I was there for most of it.

MARIA PITILLO

Interesting, interesting. Now HEY WHAT'S THAT OVER THERE?!

(pockets tape)

(looks at naked wrist)

Oh my, is that the time? I have to go, I'm late for my, uh... work... recital... appointment.

(leaves)

She sprints off with the tape back to the NEWSROOM, where she hands it off to a PRODUCER.

MARIA PITILLO

Awright, this could be a career-maker for me! As such, you'd think I'd stick around and shepherd it through to completion. Y'know, at least make sure the intro and graphics are right or something. But nope, just gonna wander off and assume this will all work out!

(leaves)

INT. BAR, AND NO WE'RE NOT GONNA CANCEL HAPPY HOUR JUST BECAUSE WE MIGHT ALL GET SQUISHED LIKE ANTS ANY MOMENT

MARIA is waiting for her STORY to air, when suddenly it does except HARRY has taken over the story and is airing the VIDEOTAPE as his own!

HARRY SHEARER

There you have it, an old man muttering "Godzilla" at a small flame. Of all the top-secret footage from that video, we decided to lead with that for some reason.

MARIA PITILLO

That jerk stole the video I rightly stole! And it's "Gojira", not "Godzilla", what an ignoramus.

HANK AZARIA

Actually while it's true that traditionally you would transcribe those phonemes into English as "Gojira", the fact is that Japanese has an entirely different set of consonants and linguistic rules, so there's no officially accurate way for a westerner to pronounce what that old man said. Technically speaking, "Godzilla" is just as acceptable an approximation.

MARIA PITILLO

Shut up, me smart and Harry dumb.

INT. MILITARY MEETING

MATTHEW is trying to convince the BIG BRASS about his NEST THEORY, when suddenly they also see the LEAK on the NEWS!

KEVIN DUNN

MATTHEW YOU FUCKING SMOULDERING HUNK IDIOT!! Since you're bad at secret-keeping, we have no choice but to assume you're also bad at science, and even though all your theories so far have been proven completely accurate we're gonna ignore that nest idea altogether!

MATTHEW BRODERICK

I feel like I'm not responsible for the fact that a civilian was able to just wander into my tent. What, was I supposed to be in charge of security for some reason?

KEVIN DUNN

Well why not, you're bizarrely in charge of everything else, or at least you WERE! Now GET OUT!!

The MILITARY try the BIG PILE O'FISH plan again, but this time GODZILLA recognizes the assortment of TANKS and SOLDIERS as being OWIE GENERATORS and jumps in the RIVER instead!

KEVIN DUNN

Attention submarines, fire all torpedoes! And remember if Godzilla comes at you, or directs any torpedoes at other submarines, the best evasive action is to remain completely still!

Despite his best efforts GODZILLA is dealt at least a possible glancing blow that knocks him unconscious! Everyone's radar gleefully displays "TARGET DESTROYED" despite the lack of any data to support that conclusion.

MILITARY

Hot dog, we killed him! And of course we'll want to immediately send personnel down there to examine the carcass and confirm the kill.

SCIENTISTS

We also have a whole lot of reasons to go down and salvage that corpse, which is one of the biggest scientific finds of all time!

JOURNALISTS

And we are an entire third group of people who would have excellent motivation to get down there as quickly as possible and get photos of the monster's body!

One can only assume that all of their SUBMERSIBLES get into a PILEUP on their way down, and that's why nobody finds out that there is no GODZILLA CORPSE down there.

EXT. STREET

MATTHEW is being driven towards the corner of SHAME and IGNOMINY, when his driver turns out to be JEAN RENO!

MATTHEW BRODERICK

Oh hey! Still trying desperately to get that English-language career going, huh?

JEAN RENO

Ugh, not after this thing. You know what my defining character trait is? FRENCH. I love croissants and hate American food and my assistants are called Jean-Luc and Jean-Claude and Jean-Pierre and Jean-Philippe AND YES MY ACTUAL NAME IS JEAN, THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT NOT A STEREOTYPE

(takes deep breath)

Anyway, we're the French secret service, and we believe your nest theory. Any idea how to locate the nest?

MATTHEW BRODERICK

Well obviously wherever it is, we'll have to destroy it. Or to put it another way, it's a location in a Roland Emmerich movie that's destined to be blown up. Therefore-

JEAN RENO

(slaps forehead)

It's a famous landmark, of course! To Madison Square Garden!

INT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN

MATTHEW, JEAN, and JEAN'S DISPOSABLE GOONS arrive at MADISON SQUARE GARDEN, which has been largely DESTROYED, and is soon to be EVEN MORE DESTROYED, because the director has a SERIOUS PROBLEM with this sort of thing.

JEAN RENO

Sacre bleu, Godzilla laid a giant pile of eggs in the middle of Madison Square Garden! Who does he think he is, the 2012 New York Rangers har har har?!?

MATTHEW BRODERICK

And there's like two hundred eggs, each of them like ten feet tall and five feet wide! Okay, where inside his body was Godzilla carrying all these? There's enough biomass here to make a whole extra half a Godzilla.

HANK AZARIA

(appearing)

Hey there! Me and Maria have been following you in our bright red TV van, and while you guys were using cheesy Elvis impersonations to sneak through military checkpoints, we just kinda went around them. What I'm saying is, the French secret service are incompetent bumblefucks.

MARIA PITILLO

We want to prove your nest theory to the world, to make up for my betraying you for a scoop! Is it weird I'm the only character in this whole movie to have even an inkling of personal growth?

MATTHEW BRODERICK

This nest is the biggest scoop in the history of journalism. Your being here doesn't prove shit.

MARIA PITILLO

No really, I'm not thinking of my career anymore, I want to do the right thing and warn everyone about this imminent danger!

(fixes hair)

Now let's send an emergency broadcast beginning with a close-up of me introducing myself and my network, then you'll come in as a human interest angle, our connection will really resonate with viewers. We'll chat a bit, oh and if there's time we'll mention the horde of baby Godzillas about to ravage the city.

(prepares Peabody acceptance speech)

HANK AZARIA

We really are lucky that Godzilla made his nest in a building with its own built-in TV broadcast studio. If he'd chosen MOMA we'd be SOOOOO fucked right now.

Then the EGGS START HATCHING, and a bunch of MINI-GODZILLAS pop out!

DIRECTOR ROLAND EMMERICH

Check it out, these are just like those raptors from Jurassic Park that everybody likes so much, but mine are way BIGGER! I already made a way better T-rex by making it heaps bigger, now I've outdone their raptors by making them bigger too! Why doesn't every director do this? It's easy as fuck.

JEAN RENO

While you contact the military, me and my team of four guys will hold back the entire giant swarm of Raptzillas! Those might seem like laughable odds but our special training will oh whoops my entire team got eaten in three seconds, my GOD we really do suck.

But then MATTHEW gets an email from KEVIN.

KEVIN DUNN

(in email)

Hey guys I saw the footage of the raptzillas that Maria and Hank just broadcast, we're gonna blow up MSG in six minutes. You need to GET OUT, and please note I took the time to format that last part with a larger font, red lettering, and a blinky effect, you actually would have had ten minutes to leave if I'd just sent as plain text.

Our heroes RUN OUT of the building while occasionally LEANING TO ONE SIDE so that the F/X team can add a SNAPPING RAPTZILLA in the shot.

MATTHEW BRODERICK

Remember these creatures are puzzled and scared by basic hijinks and pratfalls! Use cheesy elevator gags, tip over basketball racks, smash gumball machines, drop chandeliers, don't hold back!

The non-expendable good guys escape, and the RAPTZILLAS get BLOWN UP. Then suddenly GODZILLA pops up out of nowhere, alive and well!

GODZILLA

Boing! Now that the nest subplot has been resolved, I just thought I'd pick this exact moment to conveniently reenter the story. I assume my offspring have finished choosing their souvenirs from the gift shop...

(sees murdered babies)

OH YOU DONE FUCKED UP NOW, DIIIEEE

MATTHEW BRODERICK

Shit! Run away!

MARIA PITILLO

Run away? On foot? From the monster that was outrunning helicopters earlier?

MATTHEW BRODERICK

It's okay, for the next thirty seconds he'll be slower than a short human scientist all of a sudden! Then he'll upgrade to being slightly slower than a taxicab, assuming we find one!

MARIA PITILLO

(shrugs)

Eh, at least I'm not in heels.

They all RUN until they find a TAXI and HIJACK IT, while GODZILLA gives chase! During this, they manage to contact KEVIN.

MATTHEW BRODERICK

(on radio)

Kevin, I want to inform you where we'll be leading Godzilla, because to reiterate once again, in this movie the military are powerless to locate a kaiju that's currently mid-rampage. Be prepared to attack it at - uh...

(turns to other people in car)

What's a famous landmark we haven't destroyed yet?

MARIA PITILLO

I dunno. The Brooklyn Bridge?

MATTHEW BRODERICK

Perfect!

(back on radio)

Kevin, focus absolutely everything on the Brooklyn Bridge, and pray that our route there is unobstructed! Do NOT make any contingency plans!

MARIA PITILLO

Ooh ooh did someone remember to grab my audition tape, which has served its purpose of warning the military and now only helps my career goals?

ERNEST BORGNINE

(driving cab)

Oh, that tape! Here it is!

JEAN RENO

Yoink! Don't worry you can have this tape back, once I've edited out the bit about France doing the nuclear tests that caused Godzilla, which is on a totally different tape.

EXT. BROOKLYN BRIDGE

The HERO TAXI arrives at the BRIDGE but GODZILLA, having been too slow to catch it, has instead RACED AHEAD and BURSTS THROUGH THE BRIDGE directly in their path!

GODZILLA

(chomps taxi)

(chews taxi)

(does three rapid bites of taxi to create dental impression for mouthguard)

(plays taxi like accordion)

(ties taxi in knot)

(makes origami crane out of taxi)

JEAN RENO

(steel shards and Godzilla teeth barely missing his face, repeatedly)

Well this is another fine mess you've gotten us into, Matthew! Any more bright ideas?

MATTHEW BRODERICK

Uh... punch it?

They HIT THE GAS and the TAXI roars out of GODZILLA'S MOUTH, BOUNCES on CONCRETE a few times, gets SLICED INTO NINE PIECES by RESIDENT EVIL LASERS, spontaneously DISSOLVES INTO COMPONENT ATOMS, and comes to a graceful stop on the other side of the bridge.

HANK AZARIA

Whew, that was close.

But GODZILLA is CHARGING ACROSS the remaining bridge to come get them!!

GODZILLA

(annihilating bridge parts)

Ha, fuck you, steel beams! Cower as I tear through you like tissue paper!

(tangled)

OH NO STEEL CABLES, I AM RENDERED HELPLESS, WHATEVER SHALL I DO

With GODZILLA being forced to HOLD STILL for once in the movie, the MILITARY are able to shoot him with like FOUR MISSILES and he drops dead.

MARIA PITILLO

Oh wow. So we really did make a Godzilla movie where the reason Godzilla can't be stopped is not because he's almost indestructible, but simply because we've been too incompetent to hit him until now. This is WEAK.

MATTHEW BRODERICK

(tearing up)

Look at the poor guy, as the light dies in his eyes. Farewell, beautiful creature! Audience, aren't you sad that we'll no longer be animating the stupid-looking special effect? Boo hoo!

WILLIAM ATHERTON

(pushing through crowd)

Maria! Future Mrs. Broderick! Now that it's all over, what are your feelings?

(punched in nose)

...Did you get that?

MICHAEL LERNER

Even though all I did was happen to be Mayor of New York while this shit went down, I'm now going to pretend I'm a hero and make this event my entire political identity, hoping it glosses over what a total garbage creepazoid I am! And since that's maybe too subtle I'm changing my name to Giuliani!

HANK AZARIA

I guess even a shitty movie with this many Simpsons actors in it can't help but predict SOMETHING.

EXT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN

Meanwhile, back at the smoking wreckage of MADISON SQUARE GARDEN, we find that a SINGLE EGG HAS SURVIVED, because when you're eliminating a threat that could WIPE OUT HUMANITY you obviously don't check that it worked. It HATCHES and a RAPTZILLA EMERGES!

RAPTZILLA

Bwa ha ha, that's right, it's not over! This is just the start of a whole franchise of-

An avalanche of TERRIBLE REVIEWS, AUDIENCE REVULSION, FAN RAGE, BOX OFFICE FAILURE, POP CULTURAL IRRELEVANCE, GETTING REVENGE-KILLED IN THE TOHO MOVIES, and finally GETTING REBOOTED OUT OF EXISTENCE land on its head, killing it instantly.

END.