The family doubted that Kang-ho's "Invisible Pizza" scam would really fool anyone.

PARASITE

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. SEMI-BASEMENT - SOUTH KOREA

The film opens in the KIM FAMILY HOUSEHOLD, a cluttered semi-basement which HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOVIE YET? BECAUSE IT'S REALLY BETTER TO SEE IT NOT KNOWING WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN I'M JUST SAYING right then, you've been advised. Anyway we meet MR KIM (SONG KANG-HO) and MRS KIM (JANG HYE-JIN), along with their DAUGHTER (PARK SO-DAM) and SON (CHOI WOO-SIK). At the moment they are searching for an unsecured WIFI SIGNAL.

PARK SO-DAM

Hey I found one! You have to reeeally reach behind the elevated toilet while resting your head inside the bowl. Which feels appropriate for checking Facebook.

Later that day, it's PIZZA BOX FOLDING TIME!

SONG KANG-HO

It sucks we're reduced to folding boxes for a local pizza shop. But at least this repetitive activity allows me some time with my thoughts, so I can reflect on how all my previous business ventures fizzled and died, leaving us stuck in this horrid grimy neighbourhood with fucking drunks pissing on our fucking wall non-stop every fucking goddamn day and makes me wanna just-

(looks down at heap of mangled cardboard)

Whoops.

The family takes a loss on the BOXES but also receives a visit from WOO-SIK'S friend MANI.

MANI

Hi family, I brought you a good-fortune stone to help turn things around. I'm sure you have plenty of unused flat surfaces to put HOLLLY SHHIIIT DUDES this place is COVERED. Oh hey, it's Hye-Jin's old Olympic medal! I'm sure "The Host" fans will be looking forward to when you help defeat the Big Bad with, ah...

(examines medal)

Hammer throw? Well I'm sure it'll work somehow. Anyway here's your rock, now I gotta talk with Woo-Sik.

The two friends head outside for a chat.

MANI

I want to marry the girl I'm tutoring. But her family's mega-rich so I need to fuck off for a while and boost my social status. Plus, this way she's not marrying her tutor, she's marrying the guy who was her tutor six months ago.

CHOI WOO-SIK

How metaphorical! And what's my role in all this?

MANI

Well this girl is mad for tutors, so I need my replacement to be a real Captain Platonic, y'know? Basically please look after my ticket to higher status while I'm gone, and please don't take advantage to escape your own shitty situation, no matter how amazingly easy it might be. Just forge yourself a university accrediation and I'll vouch for you.

CHOI WOO-SIK

Okay... and you'll be away, like, forever right? I can hatch any number of long-term elaborate cons that all hinge on this? And when you return sometime in the distant future, you couldn't even blow my plan because exposing my gigantic web of lies would also mean exposing your single lie?

MANI

(nods)

Correct. And I wouldn't even THINK of claiming that you lied to me too, and I'm innocent in all this.

CHOI WOO-SIK

Then it's a plan!

INT. SUPER NICE EXPENSIVE HOUSE LITERALLY BUILT FROM SCRATCH FOR THIS MOVIE, SO ALL THE CAMERA ANGLES AND MOVEMENT CAN BE PRECISELY HOW THE DIRECTOR ENVISIONED, WHAT WE'RE SAYING IS DON'T GO FUCKING UP YOUR BLOCKING PEOPLE

WOO-SIK arrives for his first day of work at the lavish PARK FAMILY HOUSEHOLD. He is met by MRS. PARK (JO YEO-JEONG) and introduced to his pupil JUNG JI-SO.

CHOI WOO-SIK

I notice that you suck at learning English. Might I suggest not sucking.

JUNG JI-SO

(swoons)

JO YEO-JEONG

You are the best tutor ever, thank you! Ah, but if only somebody could help with our troubled younger bratty son.

CHOI WOO-SIK

I see he enjoys painting. Well it JUST SO HAPPENS that I know a world-renowned art therapist, but I don't know if you'd be interested in curing your son of all his problems forever...

JO YEO-JEONG

Of course I'd be interested! So who is-

PARK SO-DAM

(appearing)

Let's get down to business. You notice how all your son's paintings have red, except the ones that don't? That's a sign of deeply embedded psychosis I'm afraid. And these stick figures indicate, ah, double-bipolar-syndrome. Luckily all he needs is for me to have a huge pile of money.

JO YEO-JEONG

Yes, yes of course, here you are! Phew that was close.

SO-DAM is taken home in the family LIMO. She sneakily stashes her underwear in the back seat, which is found soon afterwards by MR PARK (LEE SUN-KYUN)!

LEE SUN-KYUN

What the hell?! Hm, the only possible suspects are the driver who we've known for years, or the art tutor we've known for ten minutes. Well clearly FUCK YOU DRIVER! Hanky-panky in the front seat is ONE thing, but illicit sex in the back seat is MY territory, dammit! He's fired! Now where can I find-

PARK SO-DAM

(appearing)

Did someone say a new driver? I just HAPPEN to be able to recommend a truly excellent driver indeed! Unless of course you WANT to spill your coffee at every turn in the road like some sort of low-class non-status entry-level bargain-basement cheapskate

LEE SUN-KYUN

(interrupting)

NEVER! I will hire this driver at once!

PARK SO-DAM

(to self)

Shit, we could probably have just sent a Nigerian Prince email to these assholes.

INT. BACK AT THE KIM FAMILY SEMI-BASEMENT

SONG KANG-HO

We're almost there, just need to get your Mom hired as the new housekeeper. The current one came with the house, so she'll be extra difficult to displace.

CHOI WOO-SIK

You're right. Our eight-second cover-story jingle might be blowing up Twitter, but we'll need more serious prep for this stage.

(writes nine-act play)

Everyone memorize this by Friday, thanks.

PARK SO-DAM

No prob! Also the housekeeper has a peach allergy, so I'll hit up the fruit market, Super Mario accessories store, and T.S. Eliot poetry quotes shop.

The family enact their elaborate plan to frame the HOUSEKEEPER (LEE JEONG-EUN) as having TUBERCULOSIS!

INT. FANCY SCHMANCY PARK FAMILY HOUSE

TEAM PARASITE manages to bombard LEE JEONG-EUN with PEACHES, set her Facebook status to "COUGHING UP BLOOD LOL", and sign her up for a subscription to DISEASE CARRIERS WEEKLY magazine.

JO YEO-JEONG

I'm terribly sorry Jeong-Eun, but I can't have TB around my kids. So it is with deepest sympathy that I'll be kicking you out into the pouring rain with nowhere to go, which I'm sure will be wonderful for your TB.

SONG KANG-HO

I'm sorry you had to let her go. I wish I could help but all I have is this business card for a SUPER EXCLUSIVE housekeeper hiring service, and they only help ULTRA-PLATINUM PREMIUM ELITE rich people so I probably shouldn't even have mentioned-

LEE SUN-KYUN

Give that here! Ooh, what a fancy business card. No firm with such precise kerning could possibly be shady! And this, this is the raised type of quality. I'm not familiar with the company's name however, what does it mean?

SONG KANG-HO

I believe it derives from how this company is capable of soaring above its competitors, much like a seagull, which is why it's called "GULL ABILITY".

LEE SUN-KYUN

I shall call at once! Let's see, 1-800-NOT-EVEN-ASOUTHKOREAN-NUMBERYOU-IDIOT

Naturally the number routes to SO-DAM'S phone, and so now ALL FOUR family members have been hired, Shameless-style!

INT. FANCY HOUSE - A TIME LATER

The PARK FAMILY decide to humour their RICHBRAT kid by going on a camping trip.

JO YEO-JEONG

We're leaving now, so look after the house Hye-Jin. Ah it'll be nice to spend all that time in the open air, exposed to the elements, utterly at the mercy of the weather! See you a considerable time later, I'm sure!

(clap of thunder)

(sky shits out torrents of rain)

Toodles!

(leaves, whistling)

Left with the run of the place, TEAM PARASITE decides to unwind with some EATING DOG FOOD, PRETENDING TO BRUTALLY ASSAULT EACH OTHER, and other various WHOLESOME FAMILY ACTIVITIES. However their LEAVING TRASH EVERYWHERE is suddenly interrupted by the DOORBELL! KANG-HO, SO-DAM, and WOO-SIK take cover while HYE-JIN checks the intercom.

JANG HYE-JIN

Shit, it's Jeong-Eun, saying she left something behind. Well I'm sure it's just a small keepsake or some other minor, non-complicating item so I guess we can let her in from the pouring, pummeling, camping-trip-ruining rain.

LEE JEONG-EUN

(entering)

Ah yes thanks. Indeed, I remembered I left something trivial, only a wee small HUSBAND HIDING IN THE SECRET BUNKER BENEATH THE HOUSE

(rushes downstairs)

As both TEAM PARASITE and the AUDIENCE reel from the sheer WHATTHEFUCKNESS of this development, JEONG-EUN goes to comfort the STRANGE MAN living in the bunker!

SONG KANG-HO

(skulking)

What's happening? Kids, huddle with me around the corner so we can peek at everything as it's happening, rather than simply hiding safely upstairs and finding out later.

LEE JEONG-EUN

This is my husband, Park Myeong-hoon. He's been hiding from creditors for years. I've snuck him food when I can, and kept him up-to-date on things like Game of Thrones WHICH ENDED VERY WELL AND IN A SATISFYING FASHION, ESPECIALLY IF YOU STAN DAENERYS WHICH WE ALL DO OF COURSE.

(winks emphatically)

PARK MYEONG-HOON

I try and communicate with the family by blinking the stairwell lights in Morse Code. You never know when someone might decide to spend an hour on the stairs idly taking notes of flashing things, amirite?

PARK SO-DAM

(skulking)

Can't quite hear! Let's all crowd on the stairs comically until-

Sure enough the eavesdroppers TRIP OVER THEMSELVES, falling into the BUNKER!

CHOI WOO-SIK

Ow! You fell on my foot DAD! And you hit my face SISTER!! Oh you are the clumsiest IMMEDIATE RELATIVES a guy ever had!! I would disown you if you weren't all MY FELLOW CON ARTIST FAMILY!!!

LEE JEONG-EUN

Well well, good thing I have such quick reflexes, I have all that on my phone. Starting that Instagram account to support myself really paid off! Now you must obey me, and do my whimsical bidding, or I send the video to Lee Sun-Kyun!

SONG KANG-HO

Why would you do anything but immediately bust our asses and get your livelihood back?

LEE JEONG-EUN

Silence "Mister Kim", if that IS your real name! Instead I command you all to do a Survivor endurance challenge, while my husband and I reminisce about happier days together... ah, such lovely daydreaming... oh are you in the daydream too husband? Then who's watching-

SONG KANG-HO

MISTER KIM SNEAK ATTACK!

(charges)

There is a FIERCE STRUGGLE for the phone and TEAM PARASITE comes up with it, thus WINNING THE IMMUNITY CHALLENGE! However the HOUSE PHONE rings.

JANG HYE-JIN

(answers)

Hm, apparently the colossal downpour has fucked the camping trip sideways, they're eight minutes away. They'd also like a meal of gujeolpan waiting and would I mind setting up Twilight Imperium and knitting a set of fresh wool sweaters for everyone to wear? These fucking people.

The PARASITES frantically rush about UNFUCKING the HOUSE, jamming FOOD into DRAWERS and GARBAGE into CONTAINERS and JEONG-EUN'S HEAD into a CONCRETE WALL WHOOPS. Nevertheless everything gets sufficiently straightened away. KANG-HO seals up the bunker, then joins his SON and DAUGHTER underneath the living room table just as the PARK FAMILY return!

RICHBRAT

Stupid rain! I wanna camp in the yard anyway!

JO YEO-JEONG

Well it's not like we worry about catching infections in THIS house. Go ahead.

YEO-JEONG and SUN-KYUN hunker down on the couch to keep an eye on RICHBRAT, which puts them mere feet from the hidden KANG-HO!

LEE SUN-KYUN

Ah this is kind of romantic, us on the couch watching over our kid's tent. Puts me in the mood, y'know?

(pause)

Oh and have I mentioned how much Kang-Ho fucking stinks? Like, his scent makes me want to puke, for real. It's so fucking gross.

(pause)

Where was I. Oh yeah. Who's a sexy Mrs Park, eh?

(fondles Yeo-Jeong)

As the PARKS have some RECREATION this allows TEAM PARASITE to sneak away!

EXT. POOR NEIGHBOURHOOD

They return to find the deluge of rain has FLOODED the entire neighbourhood and overloaded SEWERS everywhere, including their SEMI-BASEMENT!

CHOI WOO-SIK

It's okay everyone, I saved the lucky rock!

SONG KANG-HO

That's great son. You happen to save anything made of paper, or otherwise susceptible to water damage?

PARK SO-DAM

I'm holding the toilet seat down! So now it's only power-belching large bursts of sewage every few seconds, instead of power-spewing large streams of sewage constantly. Oh if only endless barrages of raw sewage could just be summarily turned off...

(checks phone)

Oh hey, Don Cherry got fired.

That night the family sleeps in a crowded GYMNASIUM with other affected families.

SONG KANG-HO

Let this be a lesson son. Don't go making plans. You never know when raw sewage will erupt inside your home.

CHOI WOO-SIK

This seems more like a lesson in the value of home insurance and contingency planning to me, really...

SONG KANG-HO

NO NO NO, PLANS SUCK. That is the lesson.

INT. FANCY HOUSE - THE NEXT DAY

The PARK FAMILY has decided to throw a huge expensive party for RICHBRAT'S birthday.

JO YEO-JEONG

We must get everything ready! Quick, run over to the non-flooded bakery for a cake, then the undecimated shopping district for party favours, then back to our not-sewage-encrusted home! Ah what a fine, fine day.

SONG KANG-HO

(seethes)

As the BIG PARTY gets underway, WOO-SIK has a serious talk with JI-SO.

CHOI WOO-SIK

Ji-So, do you think I'll ever fit in here?

JUNG JI-SO

That depends. Which tutor are you again? I remember thinking one of you stood half a chance.

Dejected, WOO-SIK decides to take the lucky rock down to the BUNKER.

CHOI WOO-SIK

I'm really sorry we got your wife killed, Myeong-Hoon. Please accept this rock?

PARK MYEONG-HOON

Oh no, I can't accept that. Seriously, I insist. You should keep it INSIDE YOUR FUCKING SKULL

(bashes Woo-Sik's head!)

MYEONG-HOON heads upstairs, gets a KNIFE from the kitchen and heads outside to begin STABBING people, including SO-DAM OH FUCK!!

PARK SO-DAM

(gushing blood)

How metaphorical! And, much more shittily for me, literal.

(collapses)

The event bursts into a frenzy of BLOOD and DEATH and CHAOS and PANIC!!!

RANDOM GUEST

Ooh, is this one of those American "gender reveal parties"?

(stabbed)

(dies)

JANG HYE-JIN

And now for the Host-like moment where I bring my athletic prowess to bear in the nick of time! Someone find me a hammer so I can-

(jams skewer through Myeong-hoon's neck)

Huh. Somehow I thought this moment would be more elegant.

LEE SUN-KYUN

Richbrat's having a panic attack! Quick Kang-Ho, drive us to the hospital! Get your stinky ass over here, away from that foul-smelling art tutor who was stabbed by that repugnant madman, and did I mention how my nose literally vomits whenever you're less than twenty feet away? Look, I made a handy chart that shows exactly where your particular stench lies on a scale of "mouldy fish" to "Toronto Maple Leafs defensive zone coverage".

SONG KANG-HO

You know what, fuck you.

(stabs Sun-Kyun!!)

There is EVEN MORE CHAOS during which KANG-HO slips away, but to WHERE?!? Although, those of you with a sense of dramatic irony may have SOME INKLING as to WHERE.

INT. HOSPITAL - SOME TIME LATER

CHOI WOO-SIK awakens in hospital and is NOT DEAD!

DOCTOR

You're lucky to be alive. However your head injury has given you a condition where you laugh uncontrollably with no motivation. Combined with the rampant social injustice in your system, we strongly recommend that under NO CIRCUMSTANCES do you become a clown for hire, do standup comedy, or be directed by Todd Phillips.

But it turns out that SO-DAM however IS DEAD. WOO-SIK and HYE-JIN are sentenced to PROBATION doing MENIAL TASKS. After a while WOO-SIK decides to go look at the fancy house and realizes the LIGHTS are flickering in MORSE CODE!

CHOI WOO-SIK

That must be Dad sending a message!

(transcribes flickering over several weeks)

(decodes from Morse)

Yeah, he's stuck under the house sneaking food at night when he can. Which I kind of figured out the second I saw the lights flickering, so this sure was productive.

(thinks)

But I shall write back to him, let him know that someday I will manage to be rich, rich enough to buy the house so he can be upstairs again. Wait, I have no way to send him a letter.

(thinks more)

Okay fuck that. Instead I'll write a book about the Park-Kim struggle and make my fortune that way! I will call it RICH DAD... POOR DAD. Yes, with a title so catchy I'm sure to-

(checks Amazon)

Well shit.

END

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