FADE IN:

INT. ELLIS ISLAND STATION FROM A LONG TIME AGO

MATT BOMER and LUCY GRIFFITHS are BABY COLIN FARRELL'S parents and trying to get into AMERICA. They can't because MATT has consumption so they leave BABY COLIN floating in some water. JESSICA BROWN FINDLAY talks on voiceover about light. Light, love, God, dreams, ponies, bubbles, and stars are vomited onto your lap.

LUCY GRIFFITHS

Well I hope everything turns out well for Baby Colin.

MATT BOMER

He'll be fine. What could go wrong for an abandoned orphan in a new country?

EXT. NEW YORK CITY 1916

COLIN is running from a gang who is trying to murder him.

COLIN FARRELL

So I joined an evil gang of bad guys but then left them for not being evil. I have to run from Russell Crowe's gang of evil bad guys constantly. Also, I have a horse named Horse. Horse is a magic horse.

RUSSELL CROWE

Blood, lust, darkness, light, hate, face scars!

COLIN FARRELL

Also, I think Russell Crowe is evil.

RUSSELL almost catches COLIN but COLIN and HORSE fly over the gang to get away.

INT. HELL HQ.

RUSSELL'S bad guy lead man is called KEVIN CORRIGAN. RUSSELL's accent is called ANGRY PIRATE IMPERSONATING BATMAN IMPERSONATING A DRUNK IRISH PERSON IMPERSONATING BRAVEHEART.

KEVIN CORRIGAN

Alright Russell, we're going to burn down that church during mass. Also, miracles are down by half. Cool huh? We keep a tally on miracles! Is any of this evil enough for you?

RUSSELL CROWE

No! I only care about finding Colin dammit! And Horse! And something about some light.

COLIN tries to get out of town but HORSE leads him to JESSICA BROWN FINDLAY'S house. She is dying of consumption with angelic grace and is always dressed in white. And her hair is RED which is moderately important.

COLIN FARRELL

Alright Horse, you sent me here so I'll take it as a sign that you want me to... rob it with a weapon? Sure.

INT. JESSICA'S HOUSE

COLIN breaks into JESSICA's house while she is playing the piano angelically so he stares at her adoringly.

JESSICA BROWN FINDLAY

(actual line)

What are you doing here?

COLIN FARRELL

(actual line)

Just robbing the place.

JESSICA BROWN FINDLAY

(actual line)

Is that still your intention?

COLIN FARRELL

(actual line)

No.

JESSICA BROWN FINDLAY

(actual line)

Well I suppose the polite thing to do would be to offer you a cup of tea.

They have tea.

COLIN FARRELL

So every single line you say is completely idiotic? What the hell is your problem?

JESSICA BROWN FINDLAY

(actual line)

Consumption. I'm twenty-one and I've never been kissed on the mouth.

COLIN FARRELL

I see. Let me find you a nice twenty something year old to take care of that for you. No I'm kidding, it's going to be me.

JESSICA gets ready to go out of town. COLIN will also go because he fell in love with a dying woman over a cup of tea, light conversation, and larceny.

INT. RESTAURANT IN HELL HQ

RUSSELL CROWE is angry and squeezes blood out of a waiter. He then draws a lady with RED HAIR in blood on the table.

RUSSELL CROWE

Here, find this redheaded girl. Wherever she is, Colin Farrell will also be! It's all about the RED people. People with red on the top of their head.

KEVIN CORRIGAN

Do we know exactly what he did to piss you off so bad?

RUSSELL CROWE

He tried not to be evil or something.

KEVIN CORRIGAN

He is falling in love with the epitome of saccharine right now. I'm surprised he was even able to be a bad guy. Plus, he doesn't even have a scar across his face.

RUSSELL tries to kidnap JESSICA but COLIN saves her and they have a high speed good versus evil chase on horseback but COLIN and JESSICA win because they are good and he is evil. They end up in THE COUNTRY, which is looks cold.

COLIN FARRELL

Are you feeling okay? Considering that incurable lung disease you have and that you just flew on a horse?

JESSICA BROWN FINDLAY

(actual line)

I'm perfect.

INT. MOTHERFUCKINGCOLDASFUCKVILLE

COLIN and JESSICA go for a walk in snow around snowy trees and snow is all over the goddamn place.

COLIN FARRELL

So that's my life. I was an orphan and found it easier to just live on the streets with Russell and all his evil. By the way you are barefoot. In snow. With consumption.

JESSICA starts naming off stars or something. Later her sister tells COLIN about how he can kiss JESSICA in a certain special place to guaranty she won't die. We have no idea how she knows this but since it was said by a prophetic child, it must be true.

INT. HELL HQ

RUSSELL approaches WILL SMITH who actually is the DEVIL.

RUSSELL CROWE

I need your permission to go to the country. I think Colin Farrell is going to use his miracle to save the love of his life from dying and I cannot allow that to happen.

WILL SMITH

Why not?

RUSSELL CROWE

Because evil.

WILL SMITH

No, you pitiful waste of evil demon flesh. Fuck off.

Meanwhile, back at the COLD ASS COUNTRY, COLIN and JESSICA go dancing while a RUSSELL bad guy puts poison in her drink. The poison can only work if she's really worked up like when someone is getting kissed in certain special places. Later, COLIN and JESSICA decide to have sex.

JESSICA BROWN FINDLAY

(actual line)

If you don't make love to me now, nobody ever will.

COLIN FARRELL

Because of the dying thing, right? Let's do this.

They have boring PG-13 sex and JESSICA has a boring PG-13 orgasm. And then they giggle at each other for a bit, but JESSICA dies. FINALLY.

COLIN FARRELL

I guess death by pre-marital sex orgasm is fitting with the themes of the rest of this. I guess I'll just lose my shit and try to fight Russell now.

He does this, but then wakes up in the present day without aging. He has zero memories.

EXT. NEW YORK CITY IN 2014

COLIN walks around looking like he's playing JESUS in a Creed video. He does absolutely nothing except let his hair cascade in the wind and draw a person in red on sidewalks. A little girl in red runs into him and babbles about stars... or light. Her mother is JENNIFER CONNELLY.

COLIN FARRELL

Holy shit Child in Red and Jennifer! I just got my memory back! Are you guys interested in helping me find out about my past and... and whatever else I have forgotten.

JENNIFER CONNELLY

YESSSSS! Oh and my kid has cancer. And she wears a red scarf all the time. So if you know anybody who has a miracle up their sleeves...

COLIN FARRELL

Not now. Let's walk around New York City for a bit while being insufferably boring.

Meanwhile, HELL HQ has gotten a lot swankier and RUSSELL is banging some broads and he realizes COLIN is alive. He sends a bad guy out to get him. COLIN meets JESSICA'S sister who is now a prophetic old lady.

PROPHETY OLD LADY

Jessica is a star in Orion's Belt. That's what she always believed, that we become stars after we finish our work here on earth.

COLIN FARRELL

Oh that's right because having a terminal illness makes you very wise about the afterlife.

OLD PROPHETY LADY

Yep.

JENNIFER CONNELLY

Ahem. I have a kid here. A kid who needs saving so if we could move this right along...

COLIN FARRELL

Oh all right. Hey Jennifer I think your daughter is the girl in red I was always supposed to save!

JENNIFER CONNELLY

Holy Shit! Really??!! Should we go to that special kissing place in the cold? That's... pretty weird really.

COLIN FARRELL

Well it's what we have to do.

They DO.

INT. HELL HQ.

DEVIL WILL SMITH and RUSSELL talk about how badly RUSSELL needs to kill COLIN.

DEVIL WILL SMITH

You want this so badly that you will become mortal in order to fight Colin. Why do you hate him so badly?

RUSSELL CROWE

Because hatred.

DEVIL WILL SMITH

Alright but you know, stars and light and darkness and all that.

COLIN and JENNIFER and JENNIFER'S Cancer Stricken Child in Red go to the cold ass country so that he can save her child from cancer. He does, but first he fights RUSSELL and kills him. Then he dies and becomes a star. Like a literal ball of burning gas.

JENNIFER CONNELLY

Wait so the only reason he survived was to save one life? WHY DID ANY OF THIS EVEN HAPPEN AT ALL?

JESSICA BROWN FINDLAY'S CLOYING VOICEOVER

No you see. This kind of thing happens all the time. Only those who are TRULY BLESSED are the ones who can see it.

JENNIFER CONNELLY

Oh. So if a unicorn and Jesus got stoned at a party and had regrettable sex, this movie would be their unwanted love child? I'm just going to hope nobody watches this.

Nobody watches this.

END