FADE IN:

EXT. FANCY LONDON HOUSE

LADY MICHELLE DOCKERY enters with HUGH, EARL OF BONNEVILLE, and ELIZABETH, COUNTESS OF MCGOVERN.

LADY MICHELLE DOCKERY

(in a low voice)

Now if anyone mentions my ex-husband Matthew Goode's absence from this movie and the last one, you say...?

HUGH, EARL OF BONNEVILLE

Died aboard the R101 airship?

ELIZABETH, COUNTESS OF MCGOVERN

Lost all his money in the crash and hung himself?

HUGH, EARL OF BONNEVILLE

Had enough of this franchise?

ELIZABETH, COUNTESS OF MCGOVERN

Had enough of your bony ass?

LADY MICHELLE DOCKERY

No, no, NO! You say "Oh, the poor man, he was on safari when a bush elephant sat directly upon his head and suffocated him to death after 15 minutes of agonizing flatulence." And do TRY to make it sound convincing.

They enter the house, where hostess LADY JOELY RICHARDSON greets them.

LADY JOELY RICHARDSON

Ah, so glad you all could come! But no Matthew?

LADY MICHELLE DOCKERY

No, I'm afraid not. You see--

HUGH, EARL OF BONNEVILLE

He hung himself aboard the R101 airship after 15 minutes of agonizing flatulence from Michelle's bony ass!

ELIZABETH, COUNTESS OF MCGOVERN

(facepalms)

LADY JOELY RICHARDSON

Lady Michelle, I do hope you understand that I simply cannot receive a woman of turgidity in my home. I must insist that you run along now, and pray do not return until you're considerably less malodourous.

A humiliated MICHELLE returns to the family's own FANCY LONDON HOUSE, where her American uncle PAUL GIAMATTI and his financial advisor, ALESSANDRO NIVOLA, are visiting.

PAUL GIAMATTI

Ah, don't let those snobs get you down, hon. In the States we like our women on the bloated side, right, Alessandro?

ALESSANDRO NIVOLA

Why not come back with us for a while, Michelle? I'll take you to the Old Country Buffet myself.

LADY MICHELLE DOCKERY

You are kind, Uncle, but my only respectable option is to remain on our estate until divorce is so commonplace in the aristocracy that it will be odd NOT to have had one.

PAUL GIAMATTI

Suit yourself. I'll leave you to do something non-scandalous with the contents of your father's liquor cabinet and my unmarried friend who looks like Matthew if you squint a little.

(goes upstairs)

ALESSANDRO NIVOLA

So...

LADY MICHELLE DOCKERY

(polishes off an entire bottle of Beefeaters)

I'm drunk, bitter, and socially ruined. Pick a hole.

ALESSANDRO NIVOLA

I, uh... I think I'll go with the usual one.

INT. FANCY NOT-LONDON HOUSE

MICHELLE, PAUL, and ALESSANDRO return and sit down with HUGH and ELIZABETH.

ALESSANDRO NIVOLA

As you all know, Paul asked me to settle an AFFAIR.

LADY MICHELLE DOCKERY

(looks uncomfortable)

ALESSANDRO NIVOLA

I mean, THE affairs of his and Elizabeth's late mother. I'm happy to say that I've put everything to BED.

LADY MICHELLE DOCKERY

(rapidly taps shoe)

ALESSANDRO NIVOLA

By which I refer to her will. But it seems everything is FUCKED.

LADY MICHELLE DOCKERY

(coughs several times in a row)

ALESSANDRO NIVOLA

As in, the state of her accounts. In fact, Paul lost so much in some poor investments that we'll have to end your FREE RIDE.

LADY MICHELLE DOCKERY

(stuffs a cucumber sandwich into her mouth)

(immediately regrets it because cucumber)

ALESSANDRO NIVOLA

I speak, of course, of this family's free ride on Paul and Elizabeth's mother's money. And because I kept things from getting even worse, of the amount that's left, which is just barely funding your lifestyle, you'll need to GIVE ME SOME.

LADY MICHELLE DOCKERY

(knocks self unconscious with large book)

HUGH, EARL OF BONNEVILLE

You mean we're to face the prospect of selling off some of our properties AGAIN? Our fancy London house? Our fancy not-London house? Our other fancy not-London house? Our OTHER fancy not-London house?

ALESSANDRO NIVOLA

Correct. Those are the stakes of this movie now. You may have to downsize to only three houses.

PAUL GIAMATTI

But you have Alessandro to thank for possibly downsizing to three houses instead of two. He talked me out of that idea I had to fund the Museum of the Apathetic Primate Arts. Instead I put the money into some type of security that only exists on the insides of Charleston Chew wrappers.

HUGH, EARL OF BONNEVILLE

Whatever your failings, this will NOT do! An earl without at least one castle and three presently unoccupied mansions is no earl at all! You two had better find some new out-of-nowhere inheritance to keep us afloat, or God help me you'll never take a kipper from our sideboard again! Isn't that right, Michelle?

LADY MICHELLE DOCKERY

(still unconscious)

HUGH, EARL OF BONNEVILLE

See what you've done? She can't even take it!

ALESSANDRO NIVOLA

Oh, she can take more than you think.

INT. NOT-FANCY DOWNSTAIRS

LADY PENELOPE WILTON enters to find assistant cook SOPHIE MCSHERA.

LADY PENELOPE WILTON

Sophie! Just the woman. I'm in charge of the county fair this year, and I want you to help me.

SOPHIE MCSHERA

Me, m'lady? Shall I knock up some cakes?

LADY PENELOPE WILTON

No, that's not what I mean. You see, I'm working with Sir Simon Russell Beale, and he's being his old uptight traditional self. I think it would do him good to hear the perspective of... you know.

SOPHIE MCSHERA

Of what?

LADY PENELOPE WILTON

Well... someone without a title. Or birth. Or fortune. A real person.

SOPHIE MCSHERA

But ain't you an' 'im real?

LADY PENELOPE WILTON

One of the poors. There. I said it. I want him to hear from one of the poors.

SOPHIE MCSHERA

Oh, I don' know, m'lady. I'm 'bout to get me hands full doin' the family cookery. Any time now they'll need me to solve everything with a big climactic dinner again.

LADY PENELOPE WILTON

Perhaps, but at this very moment I need you to solve my thing. Not with a big dinner, but with your keen insight and... your sharp wit... and compelling turns of... oh, ye gods, I'm DOOMED.

Nonetheless, she and SOPHIE meet with SIR SIMON RUSSELL BEALE.

SIR SIMON RUSSELL BEALE

(hands them a list)

Nothing out of the ordinary this year. Hare coursing, human oddity show, taxidermied bird hat display. Perhaps a lecture on the glories of colonization, if there's time to spare.

SOPHIE MCSHERA

Well--

SIR SIMON RUSSELL BEALE

HOW DARE YOU OFFER AN OPINION IN THE PRESENCE OF YOUR BETTERS.

(off PENELOPE's glare)

I mean, er, yes, Sophie?

SOPHIE MCSHERA

I just thought... per'aps... we might 'ave some fun.

SIR SIMON RUSSELL BEALE

Fun? FUN?! I'll have you know, young lady, that this county fair has gone on for 250 years without a jot of fun, and that's the way we like it! All opposed to fun?

(raises hand)

EVERYONE ELSE

(silent)

LADY PENELOPE WILTON

All in favor of fun?

EVERYONE ELSE

(raises hands)

LADY PENELOPE WILTON

Motion carried. But don't worry, Sir Simon, your dear wife may still present her collection of cameos made of human hair.

SIR SIMON RUSSELL BEALE

She'd better.

Sort-of-former cook LESLEY NICOL rushes in.

LESLEY NICOL

Sorry to interrupt, m'lady, but we need Sophie to solve everything with a big climactic dinner again.

She drags SOPHIE back to the kitchen, where husband/sort-of-current butler MICHAEL FOX and sort-of-former butler JIM CARTER await.

JIM CARTER

It appears the family is within two degrees of a famous person who's visiting, which means so will everyone who has avoiding the place because of Lady Michelle's alleged gas. Therefore, everything for this dinner must be perfect. Mrs. Nicol trusts Sophie with the cookery, but I am not sure I trust Mr. Fox with the service.

MICHAEL FOX

Mr. Carter, isn't this your third unretirement now?

JIM CARTER

Indeed, I am the Brett Favre of butlers.

MICHAEL FOX

Well, I learned at your side, so you can be sure I've learned from the best. And you'll never get a chance to unretire again, so you might as well live with it.

JIM CARTER

Look, if I'm not making sure that the ends of the shrimp forks are exactly parallel with the plates, what the hell am I?

LESLEY NICOL

A character who should have been written with a hobby?

JIM CARTER

...Huh.

EXT. FANCY HORSE RACE

Everyone goes to see ALESSANDRO's horse, GUARANTEED RETURN, in the race.

ALESSANDRO NIVOLA

A fine specimen, isn't he, Lady Michelle? I know how fond you are of well-hung stallions.

LADY MICHELLE DOCKERY

Really, Mr. Nivola, you must stop this. What would you have to gain from ruining me further?

ALESSANDRO NIVOLA

Well, the last time that happened, you got hammered and had sex with me. What was it you said that night? "Pick a hole"?

LADY MICHELLE DOCKERY

And why should any of these people believe the word of an American money man?

ALESSANDRO NIVOLA

Under the circumstances, I'll think they'll sooner believe me over you.

GUARANTEED RETURN

(whinnies)

Give it up, bro, you're more full of shit than she ever was. We both know you put the money you got from Paul into your apathetic primate art collection.

ALESSANDRO NIVOLA

I did no such thing!

GUARANTEED RETURN

Those pictures are really ugly.

ALESSANDRO NIVOLA

APATHETIC PRIMATE ART IS EDGY AND COOL!

He looks around to discover that EVERYONE heard that. JOELY approaches him.

LADY JOELY RICHARDSON

Mr. Nivola, while Lady Michelle's unfortunate digestive trouble may one day be relieved, THAT is unforgivable. Remove yourself from our shores at once.

ALESSANDRO NIVOLA

But... but... to the moon...

PAUL GIAMATTI

Don't mind if I do!

(punches him)

ALESSANDRO NIVOLA

(flies through the stratosphere)

INT. ORIGINAL FANCY NOT-LONDON HOUSE

FAMOUS PERSON

(arrives)

EVERYONE ELSE

(arrives)

KEVIN DOYLE

Oh, my, another famous person is dining here! I must re-enter the story and dress up as a footman to get his attention and--

He gets hit by a CAR, catches ECLAMPSIA, also catches SPANISH FLU, gets a SEX-INDUCED HEART ATTACK, is beaten to a pulp by GERMAN FASCISTS, I don't even care at this point, JUST GET THIS LOSER THE FUCK OFF MY SCREEN.

SOPHIE MCSHERA

(handles the cookery well)

MICHAEL FOX

(handles the service well)

LADY MICHELLE DOCKERY

That was all it took? My life is right back to normal after one evening?

HUGH, EARL OF BONNEVILLE

Better than that, even. You see, I was considering the possibilities if we did have to sell a house. Apparently there are these peculiar buildings in large cities that houses several different families all at once.

LADY MICHELLE DOCKERY

Flats?

HUGH, EARL OF BONNEVILLE

No, they were quite tall. Anyway, your mother had the idea that she and I could move into one of our smaller fancy not-London houses and leave this one to you. You and I have been fighting for control of it for three seasons and three movies already, and now that there's no more talk of your fecal urgency, I suppose you've been tested enough.

LADY MICHELLE DOCKERY

(speechless)

HUGH, EARL OF BONNEVILLE

Oh, dear, it's not happening right now, is it?

LADY MICHELLE DOCKERY

No, I'm just astonished that this was the best plot we had available! I've never been more grateful that they canceled the third Sex and the City film.

HUGH, EARL OF BONNEVILLE

You'll do marvelously, my dear. Under your leadership, we'll never have to wait for another out-of-nowhere inheritance again.

LADY MICHELLE DOCKERY

Yes, I've been thinking about that. It might be worthwhile to open the house to the public for greater parts of the year.

HUGH, EARL OF BONNEVILLE

Oh?

LADY MICHELLE DOCKERY

Perhaps we might make space for a tearoom and a gift shop, which would certainly add income.

HUGH, EARL OF BONNEVILLE

(eye twitches)

Of course.

LADY MICHELLE DOCKERY

Of course, we'll need a car park and a taxi rank to accommodate them all.

HUGH, EARL OF BONNEVILLE

(begins sweating)

How modern.

LADY MICHELLE DOCKERY

And space for buses. You've heard of buses, I believe? Those carriages that transport several families all at once?

HUGH, EARL OF BONNEVILLE

(knocks self unconscious with large book)

END