EXT. DOWNTOWN TOKYO- KAIJU CROSSING

GEDDE WATANABE is ULTRAMAN, the hero of Japan. He fights giant kaiju for a living.

CGI GEDDE WATANABE

(punching giant space lizard)

It's true! I am Ultraman. Japan's greatest monster fighting force. The franchise, the legend, and the historical piece of Japan's culture. You might say I am the nation's greatest serial…right below Super Sentai, Gundam, Hello Kitty, Astro Boy, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Akira, Godzilla, Godzuki, Pokemon, Yu-Gi-Oh, and Dragonball Z. But…we are better than Attack on Titan so we have that going for us.

GEDDE WATANABE wants to share his kaiju fighting legacy with his son, CHRISTOPHER SEAN.

CGI GEDDE WATANABE

One day you will be able to put your life on the line wrestling killer monsters without getting paid or recognized for your hard work. What do you say?

CGI CHRISTOPHER SEAN

I want to play baseball!

CGI GEDDE WATANABE

(looks up adoption proceedings)

You chose the world's slowest sport that didn't even originate in Japan over being a giant Kaiju fighting machine?

CGI CHRISTOPHER SEAN

Can you blame me? You never share your origin story with me, you never explain how we got the power to grow hundreds of feet, and we hand wave away Japan's relationship with said hero. At least baseball has a complete Wikipedia page.

CGI GEDDE WATANABE

There's over 30 live action movies about this series spanning sixty years, plus origin stories are for failures. As Ultraman you will have unlimited power that could topple any threat… unless you show any emotion other than unyielding confidence, then you lose all your powers.

CGI TAMLYN TOMITO

Hello my darling husband and child. I just want to take a quick second to share how alive and present I am in both of your lives.

(disappears so hard)

INT. NEW TOKYO DOME MEDIA STATION

A gaggle of REPORTERS are asking questions to CHRISTOPHER SEAN who is HOT STUFF on Japan's baseball team, THE GIANTS.

CGI CHRISTOPHER SEAN

I am the best baseball player to ever exist. Better than Tim Tebow and Michael Jordan. Every time I pick up a bat other teams forfeit out of fear. In fact, steroids have to take me to get stronger.

REPORTER

Will you understand the radically different rules of Japanese baseball over the American kind?

CGI CHRISTOPHER SEAN

I think I can get the hang of it. Let's see: Make lots of home runs, try to strike out batters, and the traditional Double Dare chocolate pudding fun slide every odd inning.

CGI JULIA HARRIMAN

But isn't it also true that you moved back to Japan because of deep seated mommy issues, a father that is estranged, and a misplaced machoism that you use as a coping mechanism for your own insecurity?

(pauses)

Also, how is your left rotor cuff doing?

CGI CHRISTOPHER SEAN

(runs away)

EXT. DOWNTOWN TOKYO- THE GODZILLA GATEWAY

Surprise. CHRISTOPHER is also the new ULTRAMAN because it is possible to juggle a pro career and save the world.

CGI CHRISTOPHER SEAN

(blocking fire breath from a dragon)

Other kids get their dad's old comic books, but I get his old cosplay outfit. This is crap!

He throws the GIANT SPINNING MONSTER into a few buildings.

CGI CHRISTOPHER SEAN

Luckily, every kaiju attacks ten minutes after every business closes, so that no one is ever killed from property damage. That would really kill the PG rating.

CHRISTOPHER sees the KDF, KAIJU DEFENSE FORCE, swoop in and LASSO the monster in laser nets.

KDF AGENT

Hey, it's Ultraman, the original protector of Japan's constant monster outbreaks. Man, we have a long history working with Ultraman and now would be a great time to share it.

CGI CHRISTOPHER SEAN

Nope. It is a family tradition to never mention origin stories. Please shut up and take care of the kaiju using abusive methods...like nets.

The KDF take the monster away and kill it OFF-SCREEN.

ROBOT TAMLYN TOMITA

Christopher, I am your robot companion who also has no origin story. Am I your mom or does Tamlyn Tomita need to earn her paycheck with another role? It is a mystery.

(looks around)

The KDF are immoral soldiers with evil intentions. They are actually trying to kill all the kaiju that constantly destroy Japan. Isn't that tragic?

CGI CHRISTOPHER SEAN

As someone who has seen countless lives and property lost to the same five monsters returning, I should be helping them carve up these beasts, but instead I will say…WON'T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE KAIJU CHILDREN??

EXT. BASEBALL STADIUM WHERE BASEBALL IS PLAYED

CHRISTOPHER SEAN is up to bat in his first ever game for the Giants. He has the dreaded KAIJU SHOULDER which is also what took SAMMY SOSA out.

UMPIRE

Christopher! You suck. You are lame. Your mother is missing because you can't pitch. Your daddy abandonment issues makes your batting average horrible.

CGI CHRISTOPHER SEAN

Japanese baseball is weird.

CHRISTOPHER hits a HOMERUN, but GIGANTRON starts destroying the city.

BASEBALL ANNOUNCER

For the first time in history baseball is exciting!

CHRISTOPHER SEAN turns into ULTRAMAN. GIGANTRON is cradling and nurturing a large METAL COCOA PUFF.

ROBOT TAMLYN TOMITA

I think Gigantron is holding something precious to her.

CGI CHRISTOPHER SEAN

Like a holographic Charizard original edition? I can't blame her. That thing is worth Target store riots.

CHRISTOPHER SEAN helps GIGANTRON fly away toward the ocean. The KDF FIGHTER PLANES get orders to support their national hero.

CGI KEONE YOUNG

Screw that! Nuke that national treasure out of the sky! I want that metal cocoa puff back.

(furrows brow)

I am also the evil director of this movie.

KDF AGENT

Duh.

(fires missile at hero)

CHRISTOPHER SEAN gets away and learns that the METAL COCOA PUFF had a…BABY KAIJU!

CGI CHRISTOPHER SEAN

Well folks, say goodbye to thrilling kaiju fights for a solid hour. We will revisit it in act three. Hope you can make it through our rendition of THREE MEN AND A BABY.

INT. ULTRAMAN CAVE

CHRISTOPHER SEAN has become a single dad. BABY KAIJU is adorable.

CGI CHRISTOPHER SEAN

I think we can officially turn this next plot into a charming character arc where I learn how to become a father that can balance saving Japan, carrying a sports team, and raising a baby.

(baby vomits all over him)

Okay, I forgot the target audience.

(baby pees all over him)

Okay, I think we get it. Kids' movie equals poop and pee.

(baby poops all over him)

There is more bodily fluids in this movie than Pixar's Bodily Fluids: The Movie.

(baby drools, farts, and invents a fifth substance to expel)

ACT TWO ends in a pile of its own (see above). CHRISTOPHER SEAN learns that he is a horrible father that cannot take care of a mini kaiju that expels liquids.

ROBOT TAMLYN TOMITA

Oh no, hijinks are ensuing. The baby escaped.

INT. NOODLE RESTAURANT

CHRISTOPHER SEAN is having a dinner interview with JULIA HARRIMAN.

CGI JULIA HARRIMAN

I have to admit that I have followed your entire career.

CGI CHRISTOPHER SEAN

Following me? Like a stalker? I would never stalk anyone?

(hides the script to Netflix's "You")

ROBOT TAMLYN TOMITA

Alert: Your baby escaped. Don't worry about this interaction with Julia. She becomes less than a love interest after this scene. More like a side note acquaintance.

ULTRAMAN saves the BABY KAIJU from the KDF's drone strikes. The KDF watch helplessly as five flying drones are easily destroyed.

CGI KEONE YOUNG

(frustrated)

Well if I can't get that huge baby with flying pea shooter drones…then I will send more flying pea shooter drones.

(laughs maniacally)

KDF AGENT

We are a billion dollar military operation, sir. We can try a few more expensive weapons. You have a garage full of Gundam inspired mechs.

CGI KEONE YOUNG

I can't hear you over my drone ideas! Call up Sharper Image and get me some more!

INT. ULTRAMAN CAVE

CHRISTOPHER SEAN is freaking out because the BABY KAIJU broke her arm.

CGI CHRISTOPHER SEAN

Get some sticks and leaves.

ROBOT TAMLYN TOMITA

Perhaps we need to resurrect that old trope where the kaiju fighter and baseball star calls his estranged dad and raises a baby with him.

CGI GEDDE WATANABE

(rolls in)

I am here! Let's share custody of a baby together like most sons and fathers do.

(thinks)

But your baby is missing something. Have you trained it how to kill humans?

CHRISTOPHER SEAN and GEDDE WATANABE train a baby to kill things. It is adorable.

NETFLIX STUDIO EXECS

(flips off poster of Monsters Inc.)

Eat it Disney!

CGI CHRISTOPHER SEAN

This seems counter-productive to my primary job of stopping monsters from killing humans. What is our philosophy surrounding kaiju, exactly?

CGI GEDDE WATANABE

(shrugs)

INT. KDP LAB

KEONE YOUNG watches a video where his DAUGHTER and WIFE are celebrating Christmas and suddenly a giant kaiju attacks.

CGI KEONE YOUNG

That is why I need to go to Monster Island and kill them all. I need the baby to show me the way, which means I am going to take the dead mother's corpse and cover it in mecha armor to trick the baby into following it.

KDF AGENT

Ohhhh. Now I know why we don't share origin stories. They make you sound insane!

EXT. OUTSIDE TOKYO

CHRISTOPHER SEAN and GEDDE WATANABE watch with pride as their kaiju grows into a beautiful killing machine.

CGI GEDDE WATANABE

They grow up so fast. I remember when you were just a drooling and barfing beast.

(receives a fire hose of poop filled barf in his mouth followed by barf filled poop)

BABY KAIJU grows a COCOON.

CGI CHRISTOPHER SEAN

Oh no, puberty! I need to have the Godzillas and the Rodans chat.

CGI GEDDE WATANABE

Hold B if you don't want it to evolve.

A GIANT STARK INDUSTRIES MISSILE hits the surrogate dads and the baby.

CGI GEDDE WATANABE

They never cover this in the child rearing books!

(blows up)

INT. SECRET WINDOW CABIN OVERLOOKING JAPAN

CHRISTOPHER SEAN has his dad in a portable iron lung type casket that will help with all the INTERNAL INJURIES they can't show in a PG movie. The BABY KAIJU has wings now. So cute! KAWAII!

ROBOT TAMLYN TOMITA

Your father is still in a coma from spraining his hand.

CGI CHRISTOPHER SEAN

At least we can put the missile thing behind us.

ANOTHER MISSILE HITS THEM.

CGI CHRISTOPHER SEAN

(wakes up)

What the---? How many missiles do I need to take straight to the face so I can learn how to balance fatherhood and a baseball career?

ROBOT TAMLYN TOMITA

Your dad is dead. At least I think he is dead because I can't detect his life signs. Also, I am dead.

(dies)

NETFLIX STUDIO EXECS

(flips off Big Hero Six)

Our parents are so much deader than yours!

BABY KAIJU sees her mother in the distance and starts to follow. It's a trap from KEONE YOUNG who is piloting the MECHA somewhere in a non-specific location.

CGI CHRISTOPHER SEAN

Now we can put this baby schlock behind us and start going Pacific Rim.

CHRISTOPHER SEAN uses ULTRAMAN to stop the MECHA GIGANTRON.

KDF AGENT

Sir, the Gigantron which was dead has now come back to life because of the power of a mother's love. We need to retreat from wherever we are in relation to this cockpit.

CGI GEDDE WATANABE

Hey, I came back too and I am in an Ultradad suit with a mustache. I guess the missile woke me up from the coma, and I was able to remember that I had a spare suit in my pocket as I was falling to my death. Then I decided to hide from my family until the very last second when he needed me. All the way in the middle of the ocean.

CGI KEONE YOUNG

So everyone gets their family back but me and suddenly I am the bad guy?

KEONE YOUNG has a spare GUNDAM MECH in his back pocket and is able to climb inside for the LAST LAST BOSS FIGHT. THE KAIJUS and the DADS work together to beat him senseless.

CGI CHRISTOPHER SEAN

Oh no, he is going to self-destruct and kill all the people I just learned how to love a week ago.

CGI KEONE YOUNG

The only way you could possibly save them is doing the exact same thing Nimona did when her military director turned evil, which is the exact same thing My Iron Giant did when their military director turned evil.

CHRISTOPHER SEAN does THE SAME EXACT THING. He traps himself in a SHIELD with the self-destructing mech.

INT. JAPANESE PLACE- DUH!

CHRISTOPHER SEAN is being interviewed by JULIA HARRIMAN. He has a broken arm as a result of absorbing an explosion at close range.

CGI CHRISTOPHER SEAN

Welp, if I had a nickel for every time a selfish baseball player moonlighting as a kaiju fighter reforms his ways from the result of fathering a baby kaiju, I would have at least $3.70.

CGI JULIA HARRIMAN

And your team won the championship.

CGI CHRISTOPHER SEAN

This is a great lesson, Julia. Especially to the men of the world. If you have a negative flaw in your personality then you need to add the responsibility of fathering a child. It works wonders, brings back families, and makes your professional career bud overnight.

CGI JULIA HARRIMAN

And those are the rules of Japanese baseball.

(movie fades out)

CGI TAMLYN TOMITO

Hey, don't forget me. I am not dead. I am sequel bait!

END