"Granny, the world is changing. Making one's head look like a butt plug is the fashion now."

DOWNTON ABBEY

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. HIGHCLERE CASTLE (NOW ON AIRBNB! NO, REALLY!)

HUGH, EARL OF BONNEVILLE, receives a most important piece of POST.

HUGH, EARL OF BONNEVILLE

Good heavens! His Majesty and Her Majesty are coming here to stay!

LADY MICHELLE DOCKERY

Oh my! Mrs Logan, shed the counterpanes and scrub the loos!

PHYLLIS LOGAN

Aye, m'lady, the loos will be scrubbed to a shine for Their Majesties' royal piddle!

She rushes down to the SCULLERY.

PHYLLIS LOGAN

This house must be at its very bonniest when Their Majesties arrive, so we must all be top!

JOANNE FROGGATT

Don't worry, Mrs Logan, everything will be ship-shape and Bristol fashion for Their Majesties. The very standing of this house demands nothing less!

LESLEY NICOL

Blimey, all the cookery we shall have to do... bangers and mash and bubble and squeak and toad in the hole and clangers and kippers and puddings... Oh, Sophie, however will we carry it off?

SOPHIE MCSHERA

(shrugs)

ROB JAMES-COLLIER

Now, Sophie, you'll have to start givin' a toss, you will. As the butler of this estate, it is my duty to--

LADY MICHELLE DOCKERY

Actually, Mr James-Collier, I thought Jim Carter might stand in as butler again. I'm afraid your accent is not up to snuff for Their Majesties.

JIM CARTER

Quite.

ROB JAMES-COLLIER

Well, that is just BOLLOCKS!

He leaves and meets another BLOKE for some RUMPY-PUMPY. They promptly get NICKED by some BOBBIES.

BOBBY #1

There'll be none o' that poofters' shagging, mates. In this green and pleasant land, todgers go in fannies, not in arses.

ROB JAMES-COLLIER

What about gobs?

BOBBY #2

Only if the gob is on a bird, laddo.

INT. HER ROYAL HIGHNESS'S HOUSE

LADY MICHELLE, ELIZABETH, COUNTESS OF MCGOVERN, and LAURA, MARCHIONESS OF CARMICHAEL, visit HER ROYAL HIGHNESS to take TEA.

HER ROYAL HIGHNESS

My husband is ever so lacking in affection. Why, I am so very gutted that I could just

(sips tea)

express an emotion!

LADY MICHELLE DOCKERY

No emotions, please. We are

(sips tea)

British.

LAURA, MARCHIONESS OF CARMICHAEL

What shall you do? It would be a scandal to

(sips tea)

dream of a royal marital dissolution.

HER ROYAL HIGHNESS

I haven't a notion! Must I

(sips tea)

pass the rest of my days lying back and thinking of England?

LADY MICHELLE DOCKERY

Mama, you

(sips tea)

are American. What do you think Her Royal Highness ought to do?

ELIZABETH, COUNTESS OF MCGOVERN

Divorce would be a damn shame and y'all should just keep on truckin'. Y'all got any coffee?

HER ROYAL HIGHNESS

I

(sips tea)

believe you are correct. I

(sips tea)

shall do what is best for the institution into

(sips tea)

which I was born and sod

(sips tea)

my own happiness and

(sips tea)

psychological well-being.

LAURA, MARCHIONESS OF CARMICHAEL

Jolly good.

(sips tea)

LADY MICHELLE DOCKERY

(sips tea)

HER ROYAL HIGHNESS

(sips tea)

ELIZABETH, COUNTESS OF MCGOVERN

We're gonna save yer asses in World War II.

INT. QUAINT BRITISH VILLAGE

ALLEN LEECH spots some WANKER aiming a PIECE at HIS MAJESTY!

ALLEN LEECH

Top o' the mornin' to yer FACE!

He subdues the WANKER in a quick SCUTTLEBUTT.

LADY IMELDA STAUNTON

What a charming Mick! He shall make a fine husband for my heiress and maid, Tuppence Middleton.

MAGGIE, DOWAGER COUNTESS OF SMITH

Why, yes, perhaps that would be an elegant solution to yet another inheritance storyline.

(pauses)

Her name is Tuppence Middleton?

LADY IMELDA STAUNTON

Indeed.

MAGGIE, DOWAGER COUNTESS OF SMITH

The author of this script didn't just make that up?

LADY IMELDA STAUNTON

She did not.

MAGGIE, DOWAGER COUNTESS OF SMITH

Does she have a sister named Shilling Parker-Bowles?

LADY IMELDA STAUNTON

None of whom I am aware.

MAGGIE, DOWAGER COUNTESS OF SMITH

Upon my word, between this, Their Majesties' visit, and the poor plumbing, I fear the house cannot TAKE this much Britishness.

LADY IMELDA STAUNTON

My dear Lady Smith, I assure you that more stereotypes will be brought in to help you all carry the load.

INT. KITCHEN

Royal Uptight Butler DAVID HAIG, Royal Thieving Maid SUSAN LYNCH, and Royal Snooty Chef PHILIPPE SPALL arrive.

DAVID HAIG

As I am sure you are all aware, everything for Their Majesties' visit must be absolutely up to the mark. Therefore, all you lot can get stuffed.

JIM CARTER

Mr Haig, I shall remind you that Highclere is first and foremost Lord Bonneville's home, and it is the duty of Lord Bonneville's staff to keep it ace.

PHILIPPE SPALL

(tastes shepherd's pie)

Ace, you call zis? I would not put such merde in a tin can and serve it to Zeir Majesties as nuclear war provision!

SUSAN LYNCH

Why don't you all piss off and go to the seaside or something while we take care of your bric-a-brac? Your shiny, shiny bric-a-brac?

(stuffs a pure silver ladle into her knickers)

JOANNE and BRENDAN COYLE gather the staff in the CUPBOARD.

BRENDAN COYLE

This will not do. Waiting upon Their Majesties is the most exciting thing any of us will ever do that does not involve nearly getting hanged for murder. We must take back our house!

KEVIN DOYLE

Oh, I do so agree--

BRENDAN COYLE

SHUT YOUR BISCUITHOLE AND KEEP IT SHUT. I THOUGHT WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE RID OF THE BRITISH ROSS GELLER. GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY.

SOPHIE MCSHERA

But it ain't our house, is it? I say we just whinge about it but do nuffin' in the end.

JOANNE FROGGATT

That's all well and good for YOUR character. For the rest of us, it's time for some proper Highclere tomfoolery!

JIM CARTER

Now, just a moment. This house has stood since the time of Charles II with nary a scrap of tomfoolery. Even to think of setting tomfoolery upon a servant of Their Majesties is--

BRENDAN COYLE

I heard David say that you leave finger marks on all the glassware.

JIM CARTER

(pauses)

Right. Tomfool these bints.

DAVID HAIG

(gets covered in glue and blasted with feathers)

SUSAN LYNCH

(burns hand on searing-hot solid gold loo handle)

PHILIPPE SPALL

(gets hit in face with sack of potatoes tied to swinging rope)

JIM CARTER

Now I can safely say the honor of Highclere has been restored.

INT. HIGHCLERE CASTLE

THEIR MAJESTIES arrive.

HUGH, EARL OF BONNEVILLE

All of us at Highclere are chuffed as nuts to receive you.

THEIR MAJESTIES

(cold and proper)

HUGH, EARL OF BONNEVILLE

(coughs)

Pardon me, all of us from this almost irritatingly idealistic series about the British upper class are chuffed as nuts to receive you.

HIS MAJESTY

Ah. Yes. I am pleased.

HER MAJESTY

As am I.

HIS MAJESTY

Our stay shall be chockablock with fun.

HER MAJESTY

It shall.

HIS MAJESTY

We shall lower our expectations of how the members of this house will serve the Empire because we give a fig about your feelings.

HER MAJESTY

A very great fig.

HIS MAJESTY

If that was idealistic enough for you, Bonneville, let us get to the point of this movie: another great big bloody dinner party.

They all go into the DINING ROOM, where JIM, KEVIN, and SOME GUY WHO'S APPARENTLY A CHARACTER NOW serve.

KEVIN DOYLE

Oh, Mr Carter, I just feel so humbly-jumbly to be serving Their Majesties! Perhaps they shall do me the honor of addressing me if I introduce myself.

JIM CARTER

PRAY MIND YOUR TONGUE, YOU FOOL--

KEVIN DOYLE

Why hello, good sir and madam! Is it not a fine evening to lorry pram crumpet lift cunt?

EVERYONE

(silent)

(awkward)

(British)

HIS MAJESTY

How I wish we still had a Tower to throw people like you in.

Thrilled, KEVIN promptly runs out of the house and drowns himself in a cask of ALE, knowing no moment in HIS LIFE will ever top THAT.

INT. DRAWING ROOM

LADY MICHELLE sits with DOWAGER MAGGIE.

LADY MICHELLE DOCKERY

Oh, Granny, ordering lower-class people how to make our house look better all week has been positively knackering. Sometimes I wonder if we ought not adapt a more modest lifestyle and move from our castle to our mansion.

MAGGIE, DOWAGER COUNTESS OF SMITH

My dear, you mustn't engage in such peasant thinking. You spent the entire series with your heart and soul committed to this castle. Letting that commitment slacken now would simply be a lazy attempt at 30 seconds of actual dramatics.

LADY MICHELLE DOCKERY

Rather like you discussing your mortality at the tender age of 84.

MAGGIE, DOWAGER COUNTESS OF SMITH

Yes, rather. But if you ever feel as though it is too much for you, just reflect on all the history this house has seen: your husband's death, your sister's death, the near-deaths of both of your parents, the war, Brendan's criminal record, the Turk who died in your bed, that house fire... and who knows what else?

LADY MICHELLE DOCKERY

Granny, you don't mean to set up a sequel, do you?

MAGGIE, DOWAGER COUNTESS OF SMITH

Oh, no. We couldn't have that.

(turns)

Now could we?

PRODUCER GARETH NEAME AND WRITER JULIAN FELLOWES

(tied up in the corner)

No, my lady.

END

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