FADE IN:

INT. TELEVISION STUDIO

GEORGE CLOONEY hosts a FINANCIAL ADVICE SHOW as produced by BAZ LUHRMANN.

GEORGE CLOONEY

Welcome to Money Monster, where subtlety goes to die! So remember how I told you yesterday to put craptons of money into a single rapidly climbing stock? And how I guaranteed as not a registered financial advisor that this will not backfire in a spectacular fashion? Well, it backfired in a spectacular fashion. Beats the shit out of me, but my long-suffering director Julia Roberts is working her buns off to get CEO Dominic West to explain this.

JULIA ROBERTS

No, I'm not. The director oversees the technical side of the show. I don't talk to guests until they're in position. Shouldn't you have two or three bookers?

GEORGE CLOONEY

Trust me on this, OK, sweetcakes? I know as much about television as I do about sensible investing.

JULIA ROBERTS

So... no.

GEORGE CLOONEY

...Yeah, no. I've just got Christopher Denham, and he's useless. But I'm sure nothing will happen today that will make him desperately necessary.

JACK O'CONNELL wanders on set and holds GEORGE at GUNPOINT and also BOMBVESTPOINT!

JACK O'CONNELL

I lost my $60,000 in life savings on that stock! Ya betta explain that or you's a dead man!

GEORGE CLOONEY

Uh, well... clearly you lacked the insulation against one tanking company that you'd get by diversifying your portfolio, perhaps with a broad-based, low-cost index fund like the iShares Core S&P 500 ETF, and that's the sort of advice I would have given you if I had any sense the company dun goofed.

JACK O'CONNELL

NOT GOOD ENOUGH! I swear ta God I'm gonna go al-Qaeda on ya ass! Right aftah I yell a bunch of Occupy Wall Street platitudes that might have resonated bettah five years ago!

JULIA ROBERTS

(into GEORGE's earpiece)

George, just keep calm and talk to him. We will DESTROY sweeps with this episode.

She gets on the PHONE with SPOKESTWIT CAITRIONA BALFE.

JULIA ROBERTS

We'll have to move Mr. West's segment up to like right now.

CAITRIONA BALFE

No can do. He's in the world's preeminent tax haven. How about I come on to offer some lame-ass excuses about algorithms?

JULIA ROBERTS

Well, it's worth a try to save George. The world needs Jim Cramer with hair.

CAITRIONA speaks to JACK via the MAGIC OF FIBEROPTICS.

CAITRIONA BALFE

Good afternoon, Mr., um, Brokeman. We are prepared to give you the equivalent of everything you lost if you agree that there won't be an Earth-shattering kaboom.

JACK O'CONNELL

Shove it up ya ass, bitch! I came here ta find out why ya company lost $800 million overnight! It's because you're all dishonest and greedy and corrupt and shit, isn't it? ISN'T IT?!

CAITRIONA BALFE

I... have nothing to add to that.

GEORGE CLOONEY

Look, Jack, I'm going to prove to you that we're NOT all dishonest and greedy and corrupt and shit. My viewers love me! They love me so much that they'll buy enough of this stock to raise its value by $800 million! Right, viewers?

(grins)

THE WORLD

Nice try. Have a nice death.

INT. DOMINIC EVIL IN-COR-PO-RA-TEEEEEDDDDD!

CAITRIONA argues with the company CFO, RICH WHITE.

CAITRIONA BALFE

We have to track down the programmer behind this algorithm to find out what really happened!

RICH WHITE

Sweetheart, if we tried to solve the problem, we'd admit there is a problem. Just keep out of it and do your job: looking pretty and spouting lines.

CAITRIONA BALFE

Why don't I just get you a sandwich while I'm at it?

RICH WHITE

Why are you NOT getting me a sandwich?

(lights cigar with burning food stamp)

CAITRIONA runs to her office and calls programmer AARON YOO.

CAITRIONA BALFE

Aaron, you're Asian. Tell me what happened to the algorithm.

AARON YOO

Well, your excuses truly are lame-ass. The algorithm wouldn't make a single $800 million investment unless a human altered it.

CAITRIONA BALFE

But who could possibly be that reckless? And why did Dominic cancel a national TV segment without explanation and jump on his private jet without telling anyone when he could be here wiping the shit off the fan and cheating on his wife with me?

Her BRAIN suddenly grows THREE SIZES.

EXT. NYPD TRUCK

The POLICE discuss how to defuse the SITUATION.

LT. CHRIS BAUER

The bomb's receiver is right over George's kidney. Let's shoot it and hope he doesn't die.

CAPT. GIANCARLO ESPOSITO

That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard. But it's the only one we've got, evidently.

LT. CHRIS BAUER

Meanwhile, we found Jack's pregnant girlfriend and HOO BOY has she got something to say.

The POLICE set up a SKYPE CALL with the STUDIO somehow.

JACK O'CONNELL

Uh... hey, babe! Now, listen, ya probably gonna hear a lotta crazy talk about me strappin' bombs to people...

EMILY MEADE

(actual line because I couldn't improve upon this if I tried)

You are so fuckin' stupid! This is all ya fuckin' fault! Why don't ya just get it over with and shoot yaself in the head already, ya chickenshit?!

THE WORLD

(bursts into rapturous applause)

GEORGE CLOONEY

Well, DAMN. I'll totally understand if you'd rather blow yourself up after that.

JACK O'CONNELL

Nah. I'm just gonna stew over that for the next hour.

GEORGE CLOONEY

So... can I take off the - ?

JACK O'CONNELL

No.

EXT. AIRSTRIP

CAITRIONA, accompanied by her intern or assistant or whatever GRETA LEE, greets DOMINIC.

DOMINIC WEST

Good job spouting lines, hot stuff. Here's proof I was in Switzerland: a chocolate bar you can find at literally any newsstand anywhere.

CAITRIONA BALFE

Thanks, babe! Let me just put away the bag that contains proof of your actual whereabouts.

She secretly checks his PASSPORT and finds a stamp from SOUTH AFRICA.

GRETA LEE

Well, that's proof. It has a date on it and everything.

CAITRIONA BALFE

IT NEEDS TO BE PROOFIER! Get me Julia Roberts!

INT. TELEVISION STUDIO

EVERYONE sits around doing SWEET FUCK ALL.

GEORGE CLOONEY

Can I take off the bomb vest NOW?

JACK O'CONNELL

No.

GEORGE CLOONEY

Can I take it off if we bring down the CEO?

JACK O'CONNELL

...Maybe.

GEORGE CLOONEY

Can I take it off if we bring down the CEO AND make you blue-collar Jesus by the end of the movie?

JACK O'CONNELL

NOW we're talkin'.

In the control room, JULIA gets a TEXT from CAITRIONA followed by a call from junior producer CONDOLA RASHAD.

CAITRIONA BALFE

OMG LYING CEO IS LYING

CONDOLA RASHAD

OMG TRIGGER-HAPPY COPS ARE TRIGGER-HAPPY

JULIA ROBERTS

This looks like a job for me, Caitriona, Christopher, and those Icelandic hackers we interviewed once, but mostly me and definitely not Condola. George, RUN!

An NYPD SNIPER fires at GEORGE and misses.

JACK O'CONNELL

The FUCK?!

GEORGE CLOONEY

Don't ask! Just stay attached to my left thigh like a marionette while we take you to the CEO!

They walk down WALL STREET together, as do the COPS, as does JULIA ROBERTS, who puts together EVERYONE ELSE'S INFO and gets it to GEORGE within FIVE FUCKING MINUTES MAYBE. Also, CHRISTOPHER DENHAM is mistakenly shot, but WHO CARES? Then they burst in on DOMINIC.

GEORGE CLOONEY

Tell the truth, Dominic! You poured that $800 million into a mining company whose South African workforce went on strike thinking you'd make a huge profit when they went back to work only they didn't so you tried to bribe the union leader in violation of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act but he has principles and they stayed on the picket line but you kept your massive overweighting in the mining company anyway! And you would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for us MEDDLING television personalities and this MANGY delivery guy!

DOMINIC WEST

Um... no?

JACK O'CONNELL

George? Vest him.

DOMINIC WEST

OK, YES.

JACK O'CONNELL

Great. That's all I wanted. And now, my martyrdom.

He drops the DETONATOR and immediately get SHOT.

GEORGE CLOONEY

Well, that was depressing. Makes you wonder if what we do for a living has any value.

JULIA ROBERTS

Yeah. We could use some serious moral redemption.

They sit in SILENCE.

GEORGE CLOONEY

Hookers and blow?

JULIA ROBERTS

You're buying.

END