FADE IN:

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - NEW ORLEANS - 2005

CATE BLANCHETT IN GEEZER MAKEUP talks to her daughter, JULIA ORMOND.

CATE BLANCHETT (GEEZER)

My dear, I want you to ignore the storm outside that may or may not be Hurricane Katrina so I can tell you a wonderful story of fantastical whimsy.  A story about a man who was born old and grew younger!

JULIA ORMOND

That does sound whimsical!  I sure hope it doesn't wind up devolving into a pointless self-important 3-hour mass of melodramatic sentimentality!

CATE BLANCHETT (GEEZER)

Oh. That's unfortunate. Anyway, once upon a time, some guy made a clock that ran backwards.

JULIA ORMOND

What does that have to do with the "man born old and grows young" story?

CATE BLANCHETT (GEEZER)

The what?  Look, I'm older than dirt now, I just ramble.  Here, read from this diary.

JULIA reads from the diary of BRAD PITT.  For some reason the diary includes details of his birth.

EXT. NEW ORLEANS - 1918

A woman gives birth to WHITE BABY YODA and her husband is repulsed.  He drops the BABY off at an OLD FOLKS HOME where it is taken in by TARAJI P. HENSON.

TARAJI P. HENSON

This is one of God's children, so I must take care of him.

MAHERSHALALHASHBAZ ALI

One of God's freaky, hideous, unwanted children.

TARAJI P. HENSON

Now shush up you-- holy shit is that really your name? Mahershalalhashbaz?

MAHERSHALALHASHBAZ ALI

Yeah.  It's from the Bible.

TARAJI P. HENSON

It looks like the writer of this Abridged Script tried to type something with his dick.  Anyway, we're going to take care of this child.  The doctor says he shouldn't live much longer since he has the body of an old man.

WHITE BABY YODA turns into BRAD PITT IN GEEZER MAKEUP.

BRAD PITT (GEEZER)

Momma, I think I may be getting younger instead of older.  Either that or I'm turning into E.T.

TARAJI P. HENSON

Of course! That explains why I caught you masturbating to "The Golden Girls!"

BRAD PITT IN GEEZER MAKEUP eventually meets 7-YEAR-OLD CATE BLANCHETT.  BRAD gives her a note asking "Do you like me? Circle Yes or No" and she circles "Yes!"

AUDIENCE

Er, am I seriously watching an 80-year-old man and a 7-year-old girl fall in love?  I feel like I might go to jail just for buying a ticket to this shit.

CATE grows into a teenager while BRAD PITT grows into BRAD PITT CIRCA "OCEAN'S 24."

BRAD PITT (OCEAN'S 24)

I've consulted the script for "Forrest Gump" and it looks like the next thing I need to do is work on a boat with a drunk captain and travel the world.

TARAJI P. HENSON

Okay.  Remember, if you ever need to come home to the smell of death, this old folk's home will always be here.

BRAD travels the world and meets TILDA SWINTON, the wife of an English diplomat.

TILDA SWINTON

Despite the fact that you're starting to look like the crazy homeless guy at the bus stop, I find myself attracted to you.  Let's have an affair.

BRAD PITT (OCEAN'S 24)

Alright, but you're not still seeing George Clooney, are you?  That guy shot me in the face.

BRAD and TILDA have an affair, which eventually ends. BRAD decides to go to NEW YORK to find CATE BLANCHETT after he grows into BRAD PITT CIRCA "SLEEPERS 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO"

EXT. NEW YORK

BRAD finds CATE dancing in a Broadway ballet troupe.

BRAD PITT (SLEEPERS 2)

I love you Cate.  Let's get married!

CATE BLANCHETT

I can't marry you!

BRAD PITT (SLEEPERS 2)

Because you're still young and not done sowing your wild oats with the guys in your ballet troupe?

CATE BLANCHETT

What?  No, these guys are in ballet, they're gayer than Aquaman.  Listen, I'm not going to marry Brad Fucking Pitt and get stuck driving him to prostate exams and shit.  Let's wait until you're a bit younger.

(gets hit by car)

On second thought, now that my dancing career is destroyed I'd like to revise my prior statement.

They get married and BRAD PITT gets to stop wearing makeup for a few scenes.

CUT TO:

INT. HOSPITAL - NEW ORLEANS - 2005

JULIA ORMOND

I'm sorry Mom, is this story going anywhere at all?  I mean so far I could have literally skipped any part of this thing and it would have made no impact whatsoever.  Is there a point to this?

CATE BLANCHETT (GEEZER)

Sure there is.  Haven't you ever heard a family-friendly comedian make a joke about how old people and babies both wear diapers and don't know the people at their birthday parties?

JULIA ORMOND

Of course.  It's one of the lamest jokes in the world.

CATE BLANCHETT (GEEZER)

Well, imagine if that joke got turned into a super-serious 3-hour movie.  Wouldn't that be grand?

JULIA ORMOND

No, no it wouldn't.  Not at all. David Fincher has canceled out "Se7en."

A TV NEWS STATION in the background mentions HURRICANE KATRINA just in case there are any MORONS in the AUDIENCE that haven't figured out where the movie is going yet.

CUT TO:

EXT. NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA - 1960'S

BRAD PITT and CATE BLANCHETT celebrate the few scenes in which neither of them have to wear makeup by having sex.  Eventually, they have a child and BRAD grows into BRAD PITT CIRCA "FIGHT CLUB"

BRAD PITT (FIGHT CLUB)

As a character in a movie written by Eric Roth, I have so far been able to avoid making any decisions of my own, as everyone around me has made the decisions for me.  But now I have a real problem to tackle: how are we going to deal with the fact that our baby is going to have a father that she might run into at the prom?

CATE BLANCHETT

Truly a thought-provoking predicament.  I suppose there are a number of ways that a well-written screenplay could tackle such a difficult--

BRAD PITT (FIGHT CLUB)

(riding away on motorcycle)

Buh-bye!

CATE BLANCHETT raises their daughter while BRAD grows into BRAD PITT CIRCA "THELMA AND LOUISE".  After a while, he returns, so young that his face is computer generated.

CGI BRAD PITT

I see that our daughter is growing up normally.  And you seem to have remarried a generic male with no personality or lines, good work.

CATE BLANCHETT

Look at you.  You look like you belong on the Disney channel.  Why did you leave me?

CGI BRAD PITT

I saw your performance in the new Indiana Jones movie and I couldn't look at you with a straight face anymore.  I'm sorry.

CATE BLANCHETT

Fair enough.  Why did you come back?

CGI BRAD PITT

I just came by to see how are you are doing.  Since my brain is still getting older, I'm going to check into the old folk's home and watch Jeopardy with the volume turned up all the way.

CATE BLANCHETT

Alright.  I'll come by from time to time to help you pop your pimples.

More time passes and CATE occasionally checks on BRAD at the OLD FOLK'S HOME.

DOCTOR

Ma'am, your grandson or whoever may look like he's fourteen, but his mind shows signs of geezerism.  We found this diary, which is apparently filled with writings despite the fact that he never wrote in it.

CATE talks to BRAD as a teenage boy.

TEENAGE BRAD PITT

It's sweet that you keep checking in on me.

CATE BLANCHETT

Sweet nothing, you were born as a tiny old man, I just want to see if you turn into a gigantic baby before you die.

TEENAGE BRAD PITT

That would be awesome.

Eventually BABY BRAD dies.

INT. HOSPITAL - NEW ORLEANS - 2005

JULIA ORMOND closes the diary and looks at up CATE IN GEEZER MAKEUP.

JULIA ORMOND

Wow, mom.  You expect me to believe all this nonsense?  This is ripped off from a short story by F. Scott Fitzgerald, except he knew well enough to make it a farce instead of a serious drama.

CATE BLANCHETT (GEEZER)

No, it's true, I swear.

JULIA ORMOND

Mom, if "Forrest Gump" and "Memento" gave birth to a giant wrinkled kid, it would be this movie.  This is schmaltz, plain and simple.  What was the point of all of this?

CATE BLANCHETT (GEEZER)

That time is precious?

JULIA ORMOND

And yet, this movie wasted three hours of it.  Speaking of which, we're almost at the 3-hour mark, so I guess it's time to watch Director David Fincher shamefully exploit a national tragedy.

HURRICANE KATRINA hits.  There are scenes of water rushing into buildings just to torture the audience members that managed to sit through the entire movie without a bathroom break.

END