FADE IN:

INT. FLASHBACK TO DEV PATEL'S HAPPY SUNNY WONDERFUL CHILDHOOD

CHILD DEV has stories read to him by his MOM as they laugh and frolic and appreciate Nature and such.

DEV'S MOM

Let me tell you the legend of Hanuman, who thought the Sun was a mango and tried to eat it. And that is why the gods gave us depth perception!

INT. PRESENT DAY - DECIDEDLY UNHAPPY GLOOMY BEREFT-OF-WONDERS BOXING ARENA

DEV has grown into a boxer who throws fights for money. He wears a full-face MONKEY MASK and fights as the MONKEY MAN. The air is heavy and thick with SMOKE and SWEAT and HUMIDITY and SHARLTO COPLEY'S SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT.

SHARLTO COPLEY

Lidies ind gintlemin, I geev yuuuu.. the MINKEY MIN!!! Pleece yuur bits!

DEV PATEL

(throws fight)

CROWD

Why do we keep betting on this guy.

DEV leaves the ARENA to emerge on the bustling streets of the fictional Indian city of YATANA, a strange magical place where EXTREME WEALTH exists directly alongside EXTREME POVERTY and if you want to just picture MUMBAI you won't be far off.

DEV PATEL

I must infiltrate a specific exclusive club, for reasons we'll only get extremely rapid, fragmented glimpses of! Step one: Pickpocket Chain Activate!

And so, club kitchen manager ASHWINI KALSEKAR has her wallet STOLEN and then passed around by THREE DOZEN ASSORTED PEOPLE before reaching DEV, implying that throwing fights pays not too bad.

INT. KITCHEN AREA OF THE CLUB - LOWEST LEVEL

DEV gains an audience with ASHWINI.

DEV PATEL

Anyhoo I was hoping that I, some random dude who's returning the wallet which was pickpocketed from you mere hours ago, could have a job here please.

ASHWINI KALSEKAR

Do you have any qualifications, like, at all? Our clientele heavily skews to criminal hotheads whose concept of tipping extends to "don't kill the staff" so if they're not happy...

DEV PATEL

I think these BURNED TO FUCK HANDS are all the credentials I need!

(displays his horribly scarred hands)

Also one is horribly broken, but ignore that because I did that in real life filming the movie on like, day one.

ASHWINI KALSEKAR

What I'm seeing is you'll have trouble holding trays of drinks and serving glasses and other job-related tasks involving hands. You're hired! For your first task, bleach every surface on this level twice. I figure you don't need gloves since your hands are already fucked, so there's a savings already!

DEV starts work and gets to know the staff.

PITOBASH

Hey there! I'm Pitobash, my job description includes being a wacky sidekick and also helping random employees with unknown backgrounds to get promoted to higher levels. What's your name?

DEV PATEL

(furtively looking around at various cleaning products, Dave-Foley-in-The-Wrong-Guy style)

Ah... my NAME, yes... my NAME... is...

(sees bottle of Bobby Bleach)

Bobby!

(to self)

Phew, for a moment there it was a tossup between Mr. Cleanmagiceraser and Vim PineSol.

SOBHITA DHULIPALA

And I'm one of the escorts here. My job description includes long, meaningful looks, and triggering flashbacks about your Mom's horrible fate. See you at the finale!

Eventually DEV works his way up to serving the TOP FLOOR where the BIG BOSS CRIMINALS go, including the CHIEF OF POLICE, SIKANDER KHER, who inspires LOTS OF THOSE SUPER-QUICK-CUT FLASHBACKS which suggests that in this topsy-turvy bizarro fictional city even COPS can be BAD.

INT. SHADY GUN DEALER'S DEN

DEV saves his progress so far and goes to buy some GEAR.

GUN DEALER

Maybe you'd like this gun, it's what JOHN WICK uses! Eh? Eh?

(winks)

(nudges audience)

DEV PATEL

Okay I know people are gonna compare this to John Wick so fine, we got the shoutout done, but that's not the kind of gun I want. This movie is more raw, more visceral, so give me something more fitting please. A clunky six-shooter oughta do it.

GUN DEALER

Okay here. Now you'll have trouble getting this gun into the club, I bet, but how about training this ADORABLE DOG to carry it to the back entrance, huh? For the plan to work of course you'll need to BOND with this dog and CARE for it and

DEV PATEL

WE ARE NOT DOING THE JOHN WICK THING OKAY, WE ARE DOING OUR OWN THING. THE MONKEY MAN THING.

(deep breath)

But I do need a way to smuggle a gun in so fine. But after that the dog LIVES and GOES TO A HAPPY OFFSCREEN LIFE FULL OF SNUGGLES THE END.

DOG

works for me

(mugs to camera)

INT. BACK IN THE CLUB, AND TONIGHT THE SPECIAL IS... MURDER

DEV successfully brings his GUN to the TOP FLOOR where he finds SIKANDER KHER doing a surprise inspection of the club's COCAINE, and prepares to exact terrible, bloody, motivation-generally-hinted-at vengeance on him. DEV corners SIKANDER in the bathroom!

DEV PATEL

And now... for my revenge. With this gun... this one right here... I shall bring you the blessings... of my mother. Once I pull this trigger... all shall be made right. Now prepare... to meet HOLY FUCK CAN SOMEONE INTERRUPT THIS ALREADY WE'RE ONLY HALFWAY INTO THE MOVIE GUYS

GOON

(in stall)

Sorry, sorry, I was watching PWHL playoffs on my phone and lost track of time.

(bursts out)

HEY YOU THERE!

DEV is distracted just long enough for SIKANDER to hit the gun from his hand and start a BIG HUGE FIGHT SCENE YAY!! DEV and SIKANDER wrestle while trashing about on the bathroom floor!

DEV PATEL

At which point I get an infection from the dirty water, to go with my busted hand. Ooh I'm gonna have words with this asshole director, making me do all this unsafe shit oh wait that's me, fuck.

DEV escapes the BATHROOM by smashing an AQUARIUM because those fish should have thought twice before taking this job, and then tries to leap out a WINDOW but just bounces off!

WINDOW

Hey, you were the one who said we weren't doing John Wick.

DEV PATEL

DAMMIT

DEV manages to fight his way down the BACK STAIRS to the garage where he finds PITOBASH.

PITOBASH

Quick, we can use my wackily fast minicar to escape, it's equipped with bulletproof gaping holes in the sides!

EXT. THE STREETS OF MADRIPOOR OR WHATEVER THEY'RE CALLING IT

They embark on a brief high-octane CAR CHASE but get smooshed by a COP CAR! DEV is beaten and thrown in the back of a prisoner wagon.

DEV PATEL

(regaining consciousness)

Well this looks bad, cuffed and surrounded by cops in this armoured vehicle HAHAHA FUCK YOU GUYS, IT'S TIME FOR MORE MONKEY BUSINESS

(wails on cops)

DEV pummels and shoots the COPS and leaps out onto another speeding CAR and directly to hospital to SAFETY! He flees into a nearby building, hoping it's a quaint bookshop or a marshmallow storage facility or down mattress testing area or

AXE GUY

NOPE IT'S A BROTHEL GUARDED BY ME, AXE GUY

(attaxe)

DEV PATEL

I'm sorry to say you just brought an AXE to a TEETH FIGHT

(bites Axe Guy IN THE FACE)

AXE GUY

OW SHIT DUDE YOU GOT RICK GRIMES IN MY JOHN WICK

(shot by cops!)

Yes the COPS are there just SHOOTING EVERYONE since, don't forget, this is a fictional world with BAD CORRUPT IRRESPONSIBLE COPS. DEV flees to the ROOFTOPS but is HIT by GUNFIRE!

DEV PATEL

Argh, I'm done for!... unless I can manage to fall... into water, thus allowing me to improbably survive, as decreed by Action Movie Law....

(does so)

Phew!

(passes out)

INT. HIJRA TEMPLE, SOME TIME LATER

DEV finally wakes up, his wounds treated, to see VIPIN SHARMA watching over him.

DEV PATEL

I feel so implausibly better! Who are you?

VIPIN SHARMA

Welcome! I am Alpha, the keeper of this temple that houses the local Hijra transgender community. You may remember the Khwaja Sara, our sisters in Pakistan, from the Ms. Marvel miniseries... oh wait, Disney, hahaha what was I thinking. Anyhoo, since I'm cis in real life I handle pretty much all of the dialogue.

CIS STUNT ACTORS

And we handle the stunts. But the rest of us are real-life trans folk, allow us to introduce Dayangku Zyana, Pehan Abdul, and Reva Marchellin!

DAYANGKU ZYANA

Hello! To be fair, between Covid and lockdowns and our puny casting budget it's a minor miracle we managed to find enough people to fill all the parts. Pitobash's character was thiiiis close to being a golden retriever.

PEHAN ABDUL

And let's not forget that it's almost impossible to overstate the importance of positive trans representation at this particular time!

(gives thumbs up to camera, awesomely)

REVA MARCHELLIN

Indeed! And let's be sure to mention some of the long history of this temple and our community, since some people would have you believe that trans people were invented just after breakfast this morning.

VIPIN SHARMA

For sure! But right now we need to focus on Dev's training, so that he can further develop this movie's theme of social justice and equality by beating the fuck out of goons.

DEV PATEL

Appreciate everything, but why did you even help me?

VIPIN SHARMA

We recognized the tell-tale signs of someone who, like us, is suffering oppression at the hands of our corrupt society, for example having a back full of cop bullets.

DEV PATEL

Makes sense. I think my fighting's in pretty good shape though, what with all my experience in the ring...

VIPIN SHARMA

Ah, but what you lack is rhythm, sick drops, and phat beats! Now you must punch this hanging bag of rice to the accompaniment of our resident percussionist (real-life tabla maestro Zakir Hussain!) until we are satisfied that you've achieved a properly dope track. If you drop dead of exhaustion first, well, c'est la vie.

With the help of ZAKIR, DEV successfully ups his fighting game from RINGO STARR to NEIL PEART!

VIPIN SHARMA

Splendid! Only one step remains in your training, which is a big huge drug trip to allow us to finally see the FULL backstory of your vengeance.

DEV PATEL

Um, do we really have to? I think all those rapid glimpses we've done have essentially clued the audience in to the "Conan the Barbarian" nature of my tragic backstory. Mom killed, village destroyed, etc... Showing it now in excessive detail might just feel exploitative.

VIPIN SHARMA

You can't underestimate an audience's ability to not connect even two simple dots, Dev. Just inhale.

And so we do, in fact, get the EXTENDED SNYDER CUT version of DEV'S trauma, where SIKANDER KHER and RELIGIOUS LEADER MAKRAND DESHPANDE cruelly slaughter everyone in CHILD DEV'S village, including the BRUTAL MURDER of his MOM while he watches from hiding, while the DOT-CONNECTING AUDIENCE pops out for snacks.

VIPIN SHARMA

And NOW, finally, you are ready. Go forth and exact justice! We'll just be here desperately trying to scrounge for resources to keep our temple running, hoping not to be evicted and left prey for evil cops to beat up and terrorize, but don't worry about us! Off you go!

DEV PATEL

.... um... maybe there's a way I could repay you for

VIPIN SHARMA

OH WHY YES IF YOU INSIST that'd be great thanks. I guess you could do like when Pitobash needed a stack of money, he just bet on you to lose a fight and you did?

DEV PATEL

That could work, but it would be WAY more dramatic and risky if I bet on me to win instead.

VIPIN SHARMA

Let's do that version then!

INT. BACK AT THE COPLEYDOME

DEV returns to the ring and defeats his old nemesis KING COBRA with ONE KICK, so SHARLTO sends out THE BIGGEST TALLEST GUY HE COULD FIND WITHOUT DIPPING INTO THE CGI BUDGET.

DEV PATEL

All right then, guess it's time to MONKEY AROUND!

(opens can of whup-ass)

VERY BIG TALL FIGHTER GUY

...I can't work with that nonsense

(loses fight)

DEV delivers his stack of winnings to the TEMPLE, then changes into a classic neat black suit that is NOT A JOHN WICK SUIT BECAUSE A JOHN WICK SUIT WOULD REPEL MORTAR SHELLS AND WITHSTAND A PURE VACUUM FOR FIVE HOURS, THIS IS A REGULAR SUIT.

INT. EVIL CLUB

DEV arrives wearing his MONKEY MASK which obviously fits the theme but he quickly THROWS IT ASIDE since it's not actually very practical for close quarters fighting. He swiftly CLOBBERS the OUTDOOR GOONS and bursts INDOORS!

DEV PATEL

Oh was anyone here posting on a social media platform that used to be cool but is now broken and useless and drowning in white supremacist Christofascism? Well MOVE ASIDE TWEETERS HERE COMES THE MONKEY MAN

(fights)

(stabs)

(slices)

(dethroats)

GOON

Woah deep cut dude

(unmade)

DEV proceeds to STOMP and CHOMP and generally EMULSIFY every goon in his path, but at the semipenultimate room a whole ELEVATOR full of goons shows up and he's SURROUNDED, OH NO! Is this... THE END??!?

VIPIN SHARMA

(arriving)

Not yet! My sisters and I were back at the temple, contemplating the giant deity carved into a stonewall, when we remembered our own history of fighting oppressors and kicking ass.

DAYANGKU ZYANA

Plus we remembered about all the cool melee weapons and battle dresses we had in storage! Now, is this an electrical engineering class because y'all are about to be SCHOOLED IN THE WAYS OF TRANS SISTERS

(charges!)

DEV PATEL

AW YEAH BATTLE PUNS FOREVERRRRRR

(charges!)

Oh, I'm gonna do some fighting on the bar okay? Anyone who wants to do hand-to-hand can join me on the bar. But no fair attacking anyone ON the bar from OFF it and vice versa, everyone got it? OKAY LET'S GOOOOOO

DEV and the HIJRA begin making QUICK WORK of their foes, but suddenly ASHWINI KALSEKAR shows up with a GUN, oh hey remember those? She OPENS FIRE and pins DEV behind the bar!

SOBHITA DHULIPALA

That does it, I want in on all this gratuitous violence of liberation!

(murders Ashwini with serving tray)

Yay! This is fun.

DEV takes an elevator up to the FUNKY MIRROR ROOM where SIKANDAR awaits him!

DEV PATEL

This is it asshole! Prepare to have MORE FUN THAN A BARREL OF MONKEYS

(attacks)

SIKANDAR KHER

Ha ha, well I'm not some random goon! As the Final Fight Boss, I might just be MORE than you can HANDLE

(bludgeoned to death)

Or not.

(dies)

DEV reaches the FINAL ROOM where he confronts RELIGIOUS LEADER MAKRAND DESHPANDE!

MAKRAND DESHPANDE

Obviously I have no fighting skill, so THIS struggle will be one of words, and ideas. Observe if you will this humble clog WHICH IS ALSO A KNIFE FUCK YOU

(stabs Dev!)

DEV stabs him back but BETTER. DEV WINS! But is this truly the end... of MONKEY MAN?!?

DEV PATEL

I mean, you'd think so? Everyone I swore revenge on is dead, I'm about to succumb to my numerous wounds and probably die, there's no way I could just pick myself up and keep going-

(John Wick did)

-no, no look I'm really not trying to....

(collapses offscreen, so we don't ACTUALLY SEE him die there can still totes be a sequel!!!!)

...whatever.

END(?)