FADE IN:

EXT.SCARY DARK PLACE. NIGHT

TOBIAS MEHLER and some chick are having a rendezvous in the car. TOBIAS starts acting like a robot and breaks some chick's neck.

TOBIAS MEHLER

That's what you get for trying to have sex with me! Hey, wait a minute, what did I just do?

NICK STAHL is watching from the hill whilst smoking some bizarre, long bong.

NICK STAHL

Whoa, fzzchz, ggrrr.

He begins salivating.

EXT. CAPESIDE, I MEAN CRADLE BAY HIGH. DAY

CUT TO: The purely attractive male character whom no one has ever heard of before, JAMES MARDSEN, comes to his first day of school at Cradle Bay High. NICK STAHL bumps into him.

NICK STAHL drivels on for hours about something the audience doesn't understand whilst smoking profusely.

TEENAGE AUDIENCE

Wow, did you hear how many big words he used? Drugs must make you really smart!

The Blue Ribbons come along and spit on NICK STAHL.

NICK STAHL

Oh by the way, these are the robotic students that infect our school. No one has noticed how odd it is that several rebellious students have suddenly turned into A graders except me.

WILLIAM SADLER

I have! I have! I am now going to banter like a loony and pose as the school janitor so that no one knows I am really smart!

NICK and JAMES see KATIE HOLMES dressed up like an eighties prostitute, dancing on the back of a truck.

NICK STAHL

Joey! Uh, I mean, Katie, I would like you to meet spunky new guy, James.

JAMES and KATIE stare at each other, smitten.

JAMES

Woah, I am so in love.

KATIE

Bite me because I am so sarcastic and not at all acting like Joey in this movie.

TEENAGE AUDIENCE

Wow, Katie's roles are so DIVERSE!

NICK STAHL

Oh by the way, did I mention that BRUCE GREENWOOD is turning our naughty students into robots?

JAMES MARSDEN

Yeah right.

INT. JAMES' HOUSE. NIGHT

James at home. One of the Blue Ribbon chicks, CRYSTAL CASS comes into his lounge room without a top on.

TEENAGE MALE AUDIENCE

Yes! I can see her boobs! This is the BEST MOVIE EVER!

CRYSTAL CASS

Have sex with me!

JAMES MARSDEN

I can't!!!!! It wouldn't be right!!!!

TEENAGE FEMALE AUDIENCE

Wow. He is soooo noble.

Suddenly CRYSTAL has a big fit. Her head explodes and springs and cogs fly out everywhere.

JAMES MARSDEN

(scratching his head and frowning)

Hmm. That was weird.

He goes to the ice cream parlour and meets up with NICK and KATIE. Suddenly NICK vanishes in a puff of smoke. He reappears as one of the elite, robotic Blue Ribbons.

KATIE HOLMES

Hmm..I think something weird is going on.

JAMES MARSDEN

(resuming his heroic role)

We must stop this!

JAMES grabs KATIE and they share a passionate kiss even though they've barely spoken three sentences to each other since the beginning of the movie. After they've wasted plenty of time they go to the psychiatric home.

GUY WITH MOUTH BRIMMING WITH TOOTHPASTE

Mmph, rmmph ppmph, mph.

KATIE

Ahhh!! Even though I wear these tough clothes I am still a pathetic screaming girl.

JAMES

Don't worry. I am buff. I will so protect you.

TEENAGE AUDIENCE

Woah, this movie is so totally freaking me out! Stop the horror! Stop the horror!

A bantering little girl appears out of nowhere and attacks KATIE and JAMES.

BANTERING LITTLE GIRL

The rain falls mainly on the plain in Spain!

KATIE remembers she is supposed to be tough so she bashes up the Bantering Little Girl.

JAMES MARSDEN

Holy crap! It's BRUCE GREENWOOD's daughter!

TEENAGE AUDIENCE

Crikey! I would never have guessed!

A pumpin' tune fills up the entire cinema as KATIE and JAMES bolt out of the psychiatric home.

TEENAGE AUDIENCE

A twist and a hip song?!!!?! This movie totally rocks!

Suddenly BRUCE GREENWOOD captures Katie and James and tries to rip their heads open.

BRUCE GREENWOOD

(laughing like one of the bad guys from old James Bond movies)

Now I have you!

KATIE HOLMES

Ow. Stop it! Wahhh, I want to go back to Capeside High!

James bites BRUCE's arm.

BRUCE GREENWOOD

OWWWWW!!!!

He melts.

KATIE and JAMES run for their lives. They bump into WILLIAM SADLER.

WILLIAM SADLER

I think we can stop this by using a rat radar thingamajig.

KATIE HOLMES

Holy crap! The loony janitor isn't loony after all.

JAMES MARSDEN

I will make the Blue Ribbons chase me.

KATIE HOLMES

(sighing) )

You are so brave!

Katie, James and WILLIAM SADLER run the Blue Ribbons off a cliff in an extremely dramatic and realistic scene.

TEENAGE AUDIENCE

Whew! I am glad that is over! The suspense was killing me!

THE FEW MEMBERS OF INTELLIGENT TEENAGE AUDIENCE

What? That's the ending? What the crap was that? How could Kevin Williamson write such shit?

WRITER SCOTT MICHAEL ROSENBERG

Um, Kevin didn't write it. I did.

THE FEW MEMBERS OF INTELLIGENT TEENAGE AUDIENCE

Oh. Why the hell did I bother watching this then?

END