At the El Royale, everybody's got a secret. For example, the stuffed bear is REALLY Toronto Maple Leafs all-star centre John Tavares!! Hi kids!

BAD TIMES AT THE EL ROYALE

The Patron-Exclusive Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. MOTEL ROOM - THE LATE 1950S

NICK OFFERMAN enters with a BAG and a GUN. He moves ALL THE FURNITURE and pulls up HALF THE FLOOR to stuff the BAG underneath, then puts everything back where it was.

NICK OFFERMAN

There, the money's completely safe. Unless of course someone happened to be spying on me during the several hours it took to do all that, ha ha.

After some more TIME-LAPSING, someone else shows up and GUNS DOWN NICK from behind!

NICK OFFERMAN

I sure am having a bad time at the El Royale!

(dies)

EXT. THE EL ROYALE -- TEN YEARS LATER

CYNTHIA ERIVO drives up and finds JEFF BRIDGES doddering about in a priest outfit.

JEFF BRIDGES

Hi there. This motel is half in California and half in Nevada, how weird is that!

CYNTHIA ERIVO

I know right?! It's like the hook to a movie or something. A hook that would surely be developed and become important later on.

They go inside and find the lobby EMPTY except for JON HAMM.

JON HAMM

Hello, I'm Jon and those are my accoutrements! They're saving my place in line. Did you know this motel is half in Nevada and half in California? My accoutrements are in Nevada.

JEFF BRIDGES

Anyone seen the desk clerk?

JON HAMM

Neither me nor my accoutrements have seen the clerk. Hey am I being loud and brash enough?! Nobody who's undercover would be THIS loud and brash, amirite! Surely they wouldn't call this much attention to themselves so NO WAY am I undercover! Look, I have no wedding ring, and a secret FBI agent would probably be married! Plus, a covert G-Man wouldn't have these accoutrements, so-

CYNTHIA ERIVO

(banging on door)

GET OUT HERE YOU FUCKING CLERK apologies, my mood is kind of all over the place in this scene.

The CLERK, TOM HOLLAND LEWIS PULLMAN enters.

LEWIS PULLMAN

Welcome to the El Royale! Before we go any further, I should mention this motel is half in California and half in Nevada. Then we can really crank up the intensity by having everyone sign the guest book.

Suddenly a loud engine noise announces DAKOTA JOHNSON has arrived!

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Hey everyone, I was hoping if I delayed long enough, this scene would be over before I got here.

JON HAMM

It isn't! Please meet my accoutrements.

LEWIS PULLMAN

Hello there, did you know the motel is half in Nevada and half in California? You see-

JEFF BRIDGES

CAN WE FUCKING START ALREADY

Ah ah ah, you didn't say the magic word

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