FADE IN:

EXT. PRELUDE - 65 MILLION YEARS AGO

On a prehistoric beach, none of the human characters--or their ancestors, civilization, or species for that matter--even remotely exist yet, but sure let's start here.

T-REX

Wait this is actually in the movie? I thought this was just a teaser trailer like they did for Godzilla 1998 where the T-Rex gets curbstomped by an even bigger badder beastie... oh shi

(chomped)

INT. PRESENT DAY - CONTAINER SHIP - THE OPEN OCEAN

JASON STATHAM is investigating a corrupt evil container ship dumping RADIOACTIVE PUPPY HEARTS into the ocean without a PERMIT, when he's DISCOVERED!

EVIL CAPTAIN

Sorry Jason, but your ornery diving ability is no match for my horde of goons. Now you die!

JASON STATHAM

That was last movie mate. This time I've decided that deep sea diver, paleontologist, and marine biologist Jonas Taylor also has my trademark parkour and martial arts skillz! Fuck justifying it, I'm Jason goddamn Statham.

(clobbers goons)

Basically I just hate going an entire scene without punching someone.

JASON ESCAPES and dives into the OCEAN!

JASON STATHAM

Which is fine because I know my buddy Cliff Curtis is almost here to rescue me with a helicopter, or a seaplane, or another boat, or anything suitable for retrieving a human at sea...

CLIFF CURTIS

What's that? Water-scooper wildfire-fighting plane? Coming right up!

(plane scoops up Jason)

And did somebody say BARRELLL ROOOOLLLLLLLL

JASON STATHAM

(battered about cargo hold)

Prick.

INT. HAPPY OCEANIC INSTITUTE FOR HAPPIER OCEANS THROUGH FACEPUNCHING

JASON and CLIFF attend a big FANCY ANNIVERSARY PARTY for the INSTITUTE hosted by CEO SIENNA GUILLORY.

SIENNA GUILLORY

Welcome everyone as we toast our success as amazing eco-warriors! Sadly of course we're missing original founder Winston Chau who died last movie, but his daughter Li Bingbing has of course admirably continued running the-

(sees giant memorial poster LI BINGBING 1973-2021, WAIT SORRY JUST GOT A NOTE WE SHOULD MAKE THAT 1982-2021, JUST CHANGE THAT QUICK THANKS, HOLD ON WHY ARE YOU STILL TRANSCRIBING ME)

-the FUCK?!? Why and when and how did THAT happen? We do know it's FAN Bingbing who got into all that tax trouble right?

SHUYA SOPHIA CAI

We do but alas, Mom died from a tragic scheduling conflict. But I'm back as the plucky kid, and with new skills! My main skill is looking like Kristen Schaal when I'm worried.

JING WU

And I'm here as Bingbing's brother, but more importantly our new Chinese Box Office Liaison! Check this out, I've built Aliens exoskeletons that can punch concrete and are tough enough to let us survive crazy ocean depths. Sadly they will never be used to punch someone's entire head off.

(grins)

I also train a captive Meg shark named "Haiqi" and test the training by having her aaaaalmost devour me whole but then not. In my spare time I eat nitroglycerin.

CLIFF CURTIS

Well I'm back, as you know, plus Page Kennedy's still here. Ruby Rose's character got, er, devoured by mutated tiger shrimp so to fill the "could also be a burlesque name" void, we've hired Whoopie Van Raam.

SERGIO PERIS-MENCHETA

And I'm the evil pirate running Sienna's secret evil illegal deep-sea mining operation that nobody's supposed to know anything about, why the fuck am I even at this party.

JASON STATHAM

Who knows? Anyhoo there's still more characters waiting for us at seabase Mana One, which by now you'd really think could generate more mana, like what the hell.

EXT. MANA ONE

The gang all chopper to MANA ONE and prepare to explore the obscure murky depths of that super-isolated hyper-inaccessible nigh-impenetrable ultra-remote abyss cut off from the rest of the world, the mysterious realm known only as... MASTODON THE TRENCH!!

JING WU

Sub One reporting in! I've got Whoopie and Felix Mayr aboard and here's some fun characterization, apparently Felix and Whoopie do some bizarre new fad called "cosplay" which was invented yesterday and nobody else has ever heard of before.

JASON STATHAM

Sub Two reporting! I'm here with fellow cremembers Melissanthi Mahut, Kiran Sonia Sawar, my own deviated septum PLOT POINT, and stowaway Shuya Sophia HEY WHAT THE HELL??

SHUYA SOPHIA CAI

It's okay Jason, you've done dozens of these dives, what are the odds THIS is the time everything goes to shit? Though Li Bingbing's abrupt pre-erasure from the story does kind of scream "sequel"... oh well. But look, I even packed my own deep-sea suit, and somehow also brought our pet Meg "Haiqi" along, she's right over there!

JASON STATHAM

OH SHIT! THE MEG TRAINED NOT TO KILL US IS APPROACHING, DIVE DIVE DIVE! Dive through the thermo-barrier impenetrable by Megs to the safe level below which is teeming with untrained Megs!

MELISSANTHI MAHUT

Phew we made it... and Haiqi just followed us anyway? I'd ask how the fuck that happened if I weren't distracted by the giant swarm of Megs looking at us like we're Tic Tacs.

JING WU

It's okay, those Megs are too busy having a mating party, I can tell by that giant bowl of Florida keys. I say we follow and observe for, ah, scientific purposes.

(sets up wah-wah pedal)

They follow the MEGS and discover an UNKNOWN SEAFLOOR STATION, WHAAAA?!? In a nearby sub SERGIO is doing ILLEGAL DEEP SEA MINING!

SERGIO PERIS-MENCHETA

Shit, can't let them discover our secret illegal operation. But heh heh, I can detonate this entire cliff wall and bury them, mwah ha ha OH SHIT I AM ALSO BENEATH THE CLIFF WALL DAMMIT

All the SUBS get BASHED TO SHIT and BURIED BY ROCKS, oh noes!

INT. MANA ONE CONTROL CENTRE

Back on MANA ONE, the NON-SUBMERGIBLE GOOD GUYS are worried!

CLIFF CURTIS

Something's wrong, my Cliff-senses are going haywire! Plus we've lost contact with both subs, and the rescue sub has been... SABOTAGED dun dun dunnnn!!!

PAGE KENNEDY

That means one of us... is a traitor! But weren't we all good guys last time around? It's been five years so my memory's a bit hazy.

SKYLER SAMUELS

Um yeah, all three of us were definitely here! I mean sure I called myself Jessica McNamee and had a different face then, but ah, yep, it's a poser for sure. No way to know which of us is evil, all right!

(pays for blue check)

EXT. BACK ON THE TRENCH FLOOR

It turns out that despite the FUCKEDNESS of the subs, everyone is A-OKAY! Our heroes regroup in their deep-sea suits.

JASON STATHAM

Our only hope is to walk across the trench floor to the secret station before our oxygen runs out. And we have barely enough oxygen to do this, so remember to take any and all opportunities to stop and look around and generally engage in banter!

JING WU

(jaunty pose)

Of course! Maybe I'll save YOUR ass next time.

(hearty laugh)

(slaps knee)

JASON STATHAM

MUST CONSERVE PRECIOUS OXYGEN

(does rapid pushups)

RIGHT LET'S MOVE

MELISSANTHI MAHUT

Dammit Felix, I told you to keep your helmet fully secured, not floating around emptily hey where'd his head go?

WHOOPIE VAN RAAM

Oh shit it's a swarm of smaller beasties, they're raptoring us at high velocity! And there's Megs headed this way too! Game over man, game over!

JASON STATHAM

EVERYONE STAND AND FIGHT! EVEN THOUGH THAT WILL DEPLETE OUR OXYGEN AND EVEN IF WE WIN WE'LL JUST KEEL OVER AND SUFFOCATE

KIRAN SONIA SAWAR

Well my oxygen's already run out, so I nobly push Jing ahead, and accept my fate of being Meg-chomped! Unless all the random station debris and sea junk around me deters the shark from just swallowing everything in its

(dead)

The gang manage to reach the STATION AIRLOCK but WHOOPIE'S MASK is cracking!!

JING WU

Come on mask, hold on! Just a few more moments! We've almost equalized pressure!

WHOOPIE VAN RAAM

Somehow I don't think giving my mask a pep talk is gonna help

(dead)

INT. SECRET ILLEGAL HORRIBLE NO GOOD VERY BAD SEAFLOOR STATION

JASON and the MEGONAUTS find a radio and contact MANA ONE!

SKYLER SAMUELS

(on monitor)

Oh thank goodness you're alive and contacted only me! I can totes get you out of there, just follow the trail of skulls to the room marked DEATHRAP BETRAYAL ROOM okay?

JASON STATHAM

Roger that! Now what?

SKYLER SAMUELS

(on new monitor)

And now... I seal you in and jettison all the escape pods because SURPRISE I'M EEEEEVIL MWAH HA HA FUCK YOU ENVIRONMENT, FUCK YOU IN YOUR STUPID WHALE ASS oh one second let me patch in Sienna.

SIENNA GUILLORY

(on anti-monitor)

CACKLE CACKLE I'M ALSO EEEEEEEVIL LOOK AT ALL THE STRAWS I'M USING, LOOOOOOOOK SO MANY STRAAAWWWWWS

SKYLER SAMUELS

YAAAY FOR EVIL, CORAL REEFS FOR SALE EVERYTHING MUST GOOOOOO

(buys groceries in plastic bags)

SIENNA GUILLORY

(mixing recyclables with organics)

BATHING IN ALL MY MONEY, SWEET SWEET EVIL MONEEEEYYYYYY WHEEEEEE

SKYLER SAMUELS

(adding unneeded cutlery to takeout order)

WOOOHOOOOO ahem right, time to flood y'all to death byyyeeeee

(cuts feed)

JASON STATHAM

We're not done for yet. I can use my deviated septum or whatever to blow all the air out of my body, allowing me to swim around with zero breath to another door and save us. But with no internal air pockets I won't get immediately crushed by the pressure.

SHUYA SOPHIA CAI

So if we'd vented the air out of Whoopie's suit and she'd exhaled forcefully then maybe-

MELISSANTHI MAHUT

Ooh ooh or if we'd covered Whoopie's visor with the arms of our suits to block the water pressure then-

JING WU

WELL WE WERE A BIT BUSY GETTING EATEN BY SHARKS TO THINK OF ANY OF THAT OKAY good luck Jason!

JASON successfully DE-AIRS himself and swims to another part of the station, YAY! But he passes out and is found by...

SERGIO PERIS-MENCHETA

Ha ha it's me! Years ago you got me arrested for serving a tuna salad that I'd left on the kitchen counter for two days making everyone at the party sick AND NOW MY REVENGE IS AT HAND! I had to wait for you to wake up of course, so you'd KNOW who it was that-

JASON STATHAM

(kicks Sergio's ass all over station)

SERGIO PERIS-MENCHETA

Shit I forgot it was Meg 1 Jason who wronged me, now that version I could beat in a fight.

(knocked out)

JASON rescues the others from the FLOOD CHAMBER and they rush to a new SUBMARINE! But JING detours to set up a distraction for the MEGS!

MELISSANTHI MAHUT

He'll never make it in time Jason! You've got to close the hatch-

JASON STATHAM

NO FUCKING WAY NOT THIS TIME, NOT AFTER MARKS AND D'ANGELO, I MUST ATONE FOR MARKS AND D'ANGELOOOOOO um are we actually calling back to that or am I overthinking it?

JING WU

It's okay I made it! Plus I used my one-time scenario power to draw extra cards and found The Explosives, bet those'll come in handy!

(winks)

INT. MANA ONE

Meanwhile, evil MERCENARIES have taken over MANA ONE and cornered CLIFF and PAGE!

PAGE KENNEDY

(beating up mercs)

Ha ha! Take that! Now since I am not Jason Statham allow me to deliver a ten-minute monologue detailing why I have combat skill in this movie but not last movie. You see, it all started when my plane crash-landed in K'un-Lun and then Ra's al Ghul led me to Ta Lo where I...

OTHER MERC

THERE THEY ARE! SHOOT THEM DEAD

(automatic fire)

KEEP SHOOTING MEN, KILL THOSE FUCKING FUCKS

(bullets everywhere)

(comes face to face with Cliff and Page)

...uh, I mean, freeze! Yep, just stay right there! Everyone freeze long enough for Jason to show up and

(pulverized)

Our reunited heroes rush to a ZODIAC while below decks, SERGIO finds SKYLER!

SERGIO PERIS-MENCHETA

I made it, my love! Huh, we're a couple? Sure why not. Anyway yes, I managed to survive and return to the surface! The only hitch is that three Megs got through the hole in the thermocline layer that I created with my cliff bombs, before it sealed. I'm calling them Megan Rapinone, Meghan MarkTwo, and M3gan Three Stallion.

SKYLER SAMUELS

Not to worry. Even though we put this control room underwater for some reason, all the glass is 3000% Meg-proof. I mean if there was ONE THING on this station we'd put extra effort into, that would be it, right? Yep, this floor-to-ceiling glass right next to me is utterly unbreakable.

MEGAN RAPINONE

OR HEAR ME OUT, WHAT IF IT, LIKE, WASN'T

(rips through glass like tissue)

(chomps Skyler)

SERGIO PERIS-MENCHETA

NOOOOOO FUCK YOU JASON STATHAM EVEN THOUGH THIS IS MY OWN DAMN FAULT AND I GUESS SIENNA'S TOO BUT STILL FUCK YOUUUUUUU

EXT. THE OCEAN

Meanwhile the STATHAMITES are making their escape while also tracking the MEGS!

CLIFF CURTIS

According to the radar the Megs are heading for a place called Fun Island. And apparently the dog from Meg 1 is there?? ...Seriously?!?

JASON STATHAM

Well I'm gonna strap The Explosives to some spears, to give me a weapon formidable enough to stand a chance. And if there's any left after the dog maybe it'll help kill a Meg.

MELISSANTHI MAHUT

And just to maximize mayhem, a bunch of those veloci-trenchers escaped too, plus a giant squid! Absolutely none of them are showing any difficulty at adjusting to a brand new environment, in case you were wondering.

The group SET COURSE for FUN ISLAND!

EXT. FUN ISLAND WHICH IS ABOUT TO OFFER SOME PRETTY FABULOUS PACKAGE DEALS, I'M JUST SAYING

Lots of HAPPY FUN-LOVING VACATIONERS are having a nice fun vacation when they start getting DEVOURED BY MEGS AND BEASTIES AND A GIANT SQUID HOLY SHIT!

GIANT SQUID

To be fair this one guy I'm squishing was a real asshole.

(squishes)

NOW BACK TO DEVOURING INNOCENTS NOM NOM NOM

MEGHAN MARKTWO

HEY CHECK OUT HOW MANY TOURISTS I CAN FIT IN MY MOUTH AT ONCE NOM NOM NOM OF COURSE WHEN IT COMES TO MAIN CHARACTERS I EAT STRICTLY ONE AT A TIME, YOU UNDERSTAND

Meanwhile on the island itself, SERGIO and a bunch of MERCS are wandering around groves and such for some fucking reason.

SERGIO PERIS-MENCHETA

I think I'm supposed to be going after Jason even though it's obvious, both in-universe and out, that he'll be fighting Megs right about now?

(whistles)

Okay listen up. I'll go fight Jason, the rest of you scatter about to threaten supporting characters and get eaten by Velocitrenchers. Move out!

SIENNA GILL-GORY

What about me? Wait why the fuck am I even in this scene-

(chomped and dragged away by beasties!)

-oh that explains it. Should have figured when I saw my pun-name AAAAAAAIEEEEE

(dead)

Back in the water JASON has found a JETSKI and zooms after the THREE MEGS!

JASON STATHAM

Dodging and outmaneuvering thousand-pound death machines on a jetski while wielding exploding javelins might prove difficult for SOME, but it's all in a day's work for... the Meg-chanic.

(winks at long-time readers of the site)

(throws javelin)

(explodes Meg Rapinone's head!!)

Now for my next-

SERGIO PERIS-MENCHETA

Not so fast! You can't use the same method on all three, that's boring!

(shoots at Jason)

Enough shark duelling, now we really amp up the voltage by fistfighting me, a regular guy!

JASON STATHAM

Uh-huh. Hey MarkTwo, temporary truce while we dispose of this douchebag?

MEGHAN MARKTWO

SURE THING, I'LL DO A QUICK CURL ROUTE AND YOU DOUBLE PUMP AFTER THE SNAP OKAY

JASON and MEGHAN execute the play to perfection and JASON kicks SERGIO straight into her gaping maw, YAY!

OTHER GOOD GUYS

(doing random bullshit with assorted mercs and sea creatures)

MEGHAN MARKTWO

OKAY FUCK THIS IMA FIGHT THE SQUID NOW, WE KNOW WHAT PEOPLE PAID FOR

GIANT SQUID

ARE YOU SERIOUS DUDE WE SHOULD BE TEAMING UP, BUT OKAY

(strangles!)

MEGHAN MARKTWO

URK ACK BLERK... LOSING... CONSCIOUSNESS... TELL HARRY BELAFONTE... I LOVE HIM...

(pause)

PSYCH I'M FINE

(chomps Giant Squid!!!)

GIANT SQUID

Yeah, I guess it's not my name in the title now is it.

(dead)

During the CHAOS CLIFF CURTIS has CRASHED a CHOPPER, try saying THAT five times fast. MEGHAN closes in!

JASON STATHAM

Over here! Sure there's blood and thrashing that way, but I'm slapping a heavy thing in the water, this way!

MEGHAN MARKTWO

VERY WELL MY NOBLE NEMESIS, IT IS TIME FOR OUR FINAL DANCE OF DESTINY

But JASON has salvaged a ROTOR BLADE and DIGS IN and SPEARS MEGHAN RIGHT THROUGH THE FUCKING HEAD THROUGH THE BRAIN!!

JASON STATHAM

AW YEAH FUCK YOU ANCIENT RARE SPECIES! DIE YOU EXOTIC ENDANGERED SHIT remember kids, save the environment!

CLIFF CURTIS

LOOK OUT THAT DODO HAS A KNIFE

(fires bazooka)

JING WU

There's still M3gan Three Stallion left... but wait, it's actually Haiqi! And I used my training clicker to send her away, we're safe! Hurray!

SHUYA SOPHIA CAI

Farewell Haiqi! Enjoy your newfound freedom!

DOZENS UPON DOZENS OF TOURISTS AT THE NEXT RESORT OVER

(screaming in horror while being chomped, mangled, eaten by Haiqi)

MELISSANTHI MAHUT

Yes, we're safe! Let's sit and relax on the beach, mere feet away from where countless people just died horrible gruesome deaths.

PAGE KENNEDY

(prying whiskey bottle from severed arm)

And I found some booze! Let's party!

JASON STATHAM

(jaunty pose)

Nice work Jing. Maybe you'll save MY ass next time.

(entire company laughs heartily)

BLOOD AND GUTS AND SHREDDED CORPSES OF INNOCENTS

(wash ashore)

END