FADE IN:

INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

NATASCHA MCELHONE

'Allo. E have killed yi all togethi fur a mission. I need yi to get me a briefkiss.

ROBERT DE NIRO

What's in the case?

NATASCHA MCELHONE

E can't tell yi. But E need it.

STELLAN SKARSGARD

What kind of weapons will we have?

NATASCHA MCELHONE

Me lucky charms.

JEAN RENO

But we need real weapons.. for our inevitable car chases. What the hell are we gonna use?

NATASCHA MCELHONE

They're magically delicious.

EXT. A STREET - DAY

The CAST all sit in cars, looking around as though they are planning something.. SUDDENLY, a car chase occurs... for the next hour. Glass shatters, clips are repeated, and cars are generally chased. ROBERT DE NIRO is shot.

INT. A ROOM - DAY

ROBERT DE NIRO pulls a bullet out of himself. Nothing useful to advance the plot happens in this scene.. and it is generally useless.

AUDIENCE

WHAT THE HELL!? I don't wanna see this! This is disgusting.

DIRECTOR JOHN FRANKENHEIMER

Well I couldn't exactly have another damn car chase, could I? Wait.. a minute... maybe I COULD!

EXT. A STREET - DAY

The CAST MEMBERS all sit in cars, looking around as though they are planning something.. SUDDENLY, a car chase occurs... for the next hour. Glass shatters, clips are repeated, and cars are generally chased. ROBERT DE NIRO is not shot, but STELLAN SKARSGARD steals the case.

INT. SKATING RINK - NIGHT

RUSSIAN FEMALE skates around, a gun following her comically.

INT. A BACK ROOM - NIGHT

STELLAN SKARSGARD

I want money. You can have the case then.

RUSSIANS

..... Maybe.

STELLAN SKARSGARD

Give me money or your skater friend dies.

INT. CAFE - DAY

ROBERT DE NIRO

If I were a briefcase, where would I be?

ROBERT sees a girl carrying a briefcase like the one that they are trying to get. It holds skates.

ROBERT DE NIRO

I've got it! Those cases hold skates..Russians like skating and in fact there is a Russian skating today in a location near here! I bet that's where they are!

He and JEAN RENO go to the skating rink.

INT. A BACK ROOM - DAY

The RUSSIANS shoot STELLAN. They take the case and RUN.

INT. SKATING RINK - DAY

The COMICAL SNIPER shoots the RUSSIAN FEMALE. She falls to the ground and nurses RUN to her.

EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY

JONATHAN PRYCE shoots the RUSSIANS. He takes the case and RUNS.

INT. ALLEY - DAY

JONATHAN PRYCE shoots JEAN RENO. ROBERT DE NIRO RUNS to JONATHAN. JONATHAN PRYCE shoots ROBERT DE NIRO. JEAN RENO RUNS to a gun. JEAN RENO shoots JONATHAN PRYCE. They take the case and RUN to the cafe.

INT. CAFE - DAY

JEAN RENO

So what was in the case?

ROBERT DE NIRO

I didn't look. I figured if I did, the writer would have to figure out what was in it. The writer seems to think that leaving loose ends can pass for clever writing. You can feel free to look in it, though. But I gotta go. See ya.

He leaves. JEAN RENO looks at the case. He opens it.

JEAN RENO

BLUE JEANS! No wonder the Russians were willing to pay so much!

END