FADE IN:

INT. BILL PAXTON'S HOUSE

BILL and his wife, BRIDGET FONDA, sit around a fire, drinking a cup of coffee and generally enjoying life.

BRIDGET FONDA

I love life.... and you.

BILL PAXTON

(emotionless)

I also love you, and life as well. Everything is good.

A TRUCK can be heard pulling up to the house.

BILL PAXTON

(emotionless)

Splendid! My wacky brother and his even zanier pal are here.

BILLY BOB THORNTON

Heya Bill. I was drivin muh truck all arounds and I was gonna go rent me up some movies, and Brent here-

BRENT BRISCOE

Howdy.

BILLY BOB THORNTON

wanted to come with. Care to join?

BILL PAXTON

(emotionless)

Well, I am a smug, well-educated man, but, I'm feeling a yearning to urinate in the snow, drink beer, and shoot rifles. I shall join you.

BRENT BRISCOE

I'm a hick by the way.

BILLY BOB THORNTON

Yeah so am I, in case you didn't notice.

They drive off.

EXT. THE WOODS

BILL, BILLY, and BRENT are writing their names in the snow.

BILLY BOB THORNTON

Brent! Ya damn there just pissed on muh dawg!

(laughing)

Ya derned bitch!

BILLY pees on BRENT'S leg.

BRENT BRISCOE

(laughing)

I'll get you yet!

BRENT urinates on BILLY'S face. BILLY falls back, onto a large pile of snow. It shakes, revealing a plane underneath.

BILL PAXTON

(emotionless)

I will investigate this matter.

He goes into the PLANE, and returns with a sack of MONEY. They all stare at the money for a while. The DRAMATIC MUSICAL SCORE gets higher and higher pitched.

BILL PAXTON

(emotionless)

We can't keep this money.

BILLY BOB THORNTON

Yes we can.

BRENT BRISCOE

Yeah. Sure we can.

BILL PAXTON

(emotionless)

Yeah.. I suppose we could. By which I mean, I could.

He takes the money home.

INT. BILL PAXTON'S HOUSE

BILL PAXTON

(emotionless)

What would you do if you found a lot of money?

BRIDGET FONDA

I would turn it in.

BILL PAXTON

(emotionless)

I found a lot of money.

BRIDGET FONDA

Interesting.

(beat)

OK, you need to go put some of it back in the plane in order to make sure whoever searches for it doesn't suspect anything. Next, you need to get a little recorder and get your brother's friend on it, confessing to the next 10 murders that will happen in the next few hours.

BILL PAXTON

(emotionless)

But I thought-

BRIDGET FONDA

Fuck it. We're rich now.

DIRECTOR SAM RAIMI

See, the point is that, while we think we may act morally in a situation, if it arises, we may actually act differently. For the next hour I will be beating this point into your skull, and you BETTER FUCKING LEARN FROM IT, even though you already knew.

Suddenly, there is a KNOCK on the door. BILL opens it. It's BRENT and BILLY.

BRENT BRISCOE

I want my money.

BILLY BOB THORNTON

Me too.

BILL PAXTON

(emotionless)

No.

BRENT BRISCOE

(pulling out his rifle)

Give me it!

BILL PAXTON

(slightly less emotionless)

Yikes. A rifle. Don't you see, this money is tearing us apart!

DIRECTOR SAM RAIMI

This money is tearing them apart!

BRIDGET FONDA

(pressing RECORD on her handheld recorder)

This money is tearing you apart!

(pause)

Hey Brent, remember that time you killed people? Ha ha.

BRENT BRISCOE

Ha ha! Yeah. That was funny. Good one. A-hyuk. You're a laugh-a-minute, Bridget!

BRIDGET FONDA

(pulling out the recorder for no reason)

Har har!

BRENT BRISCOE

You bitch!

He loads his them there gun. The SUSPENSFUL DRAMATIC MUSIC gets louder. BILLY BOB shoots BRENT in the head.

BRIDGET FONDA

Well.. my tape recorder idea ended in death, but I have another idea. We need to drag his body over a long distance.

They begin to drag the body. The local SHERIFF stops them.

SHERIFF

What the..

BRIDGET takes out her RIFLE and shoots the SHERIFF in the head.

BRIDGET FONDA

Well.. that plan didn't work either. I have another one, though. We'll need string, dynamite, and four more dead bodies.

BILLY BOB THORNTON shoots BRIDGET in the head.

BILL PAXTON

Thanks.

BILLY BOB THORNTON

Money isn't the answer. I've learned that now. Money only hurts people. I wish I never found that money. I wish someone would kill me.

BILL PAXTON

Alright.

BILL shoots him in the head.

BILL PAXTON

(to AUDIENCE)

Money tears you apart. You should never start distrusting your hick friends because of money. It doesn't bring true happiness.

BILL shoots himself in the head.

AUDIENCE

Wow. I've learned a lot.

The AUDIENCE members shoot themselves in their heads.

END