FADE IN:

EXT. FLORIDA BEACH

SPRING BREAK WOOO! Topless girls! Loud music! People doing shots out of each other's belly buttons and whatnot!

INT. BORING UNIVERSITY

But SELENA GOMEZ, VANESSA HUDGENS, ASHLEY BENSON and RACHEL KORINE are all stuck back in LOSERTOWN.

SELENA GOMEZ

Man, we can't afford to go on spring break. This su-

EXT. FLORIDA BEACH

SPRING BREEEAAAAK!!! Guys are drunk on jetskis! Anything and everything has been converted into a bong! MORE TOPLESS GIRLS!

INT. BORING UNIVERSITY

SELENA GOMEZ

-cks. Wait, what? Did we really need another party montage already?

VANESSA HUDGENS

Oh, it's the same montage, Selena. It's all the same montage. Welcome to the party montage that NEVER-

EXT. FLORIDA BEACH

Cocaine and indiscriminate fornication! Beer bongs! Mosh pits on the beach!

INT. BORING UNIVERSITY

VANESSA HUDGENS

-ENDS.

SELENA GOMEZ

Seriously? We're going to be intercut with a nonstop barrage of random party footage for the entire fucking movie?

ASHLEY BENSON

Yeah, this movie is pretty much what you'd end up with if you took a pretentious short film and a Girls Gone Wild video and edited them both together into a big shallow mess.

SELENA GOMEZ

But won't this take attention away from the story and characters?

VANESSA HUDGENS

Snrk, you want to pay attention to the "story" and "characters"? Fine, here are the characters: I am a party girl.

ASHLEY BENSON

And I'm a girl who likes to party.

RACHEL KORINE

Whereas I am a girl for whom partying is a desirable pastime.

SELENA GOMEZ

...Oh. See, I'm a repressed religious type who sees Spring Break as a means of rebelling against not only my strict upbringing but also my own timid nature and inhibitions.

VANESSA HUDGENS

Ah, so you didn't get the memo. Don't worry, we'll just make up for your actual depth of characterization by kicking you out of the movie first chance we get.

ASHLEY BENSON

So, as we were saying, we don't have enough money for Spring Break-

They ROB A PLACE.

ASHLEY BENSON

-and now we do!

SELENA GOMEZ

Whuh, what just happened?! No planning, not even like a moment of indecision, we just cut to a heist for twenty seconds and now we have the money? Is the audience meant to figure I just shrugged my shoulders and went along with this?

VANESSA HUDGENS

What do you expect us to do, give this movie's fleeting scraps of story any sense of weight or import whatsoever? Just shut up and let's get into our bikinis for literally the entire remainder of the film. SPRING BREAK!

EXT. FLORIDA BEACH

The GIRLS are PARTYING and so is EVERYONE ELSE! Keg stands! Topless women! Mosh pits on the beach! We're starting to repeat ourselves more than a little!

VANESSA HUDGENS

(half-naked, drunk)

WOOOO, ARE YOU TAKING ME SERIOUSLY AS AN ACTRESS YET? I'M COMPLETELY MATURE AND EDGY NOW!

SELENA GOMEZ

(drunk, high)

ME TOO, FORGET ALL OUR DISNEY STUFF IF POSSIBLE

(vomits)

More cocaine and indiscriminate fornication! Additional topless women. We seriously seem to be actually reusing footage at this stage. Suddenly the girls are ARRESTED FOR SOME REASON and bailed out by drug dealer JAMES FRANCO, who is wisely doing this movie IN DISGUISE.

JAMES FRANCO

Hello, ladies, and welcome to the slightly-sleazier underbelly of Spring Break! I actually have a dynamic personality, so it's a good thing you have a developed character like Selena with you to keep me from completely overpowering-

SELENA GOMEZ

Seeya!

(leaves)

JAMES FRANCO

Oh, well then, I guess I'll just go right ahead and walk away with the movie from here on out. For starters, how about I talk about how cool and awesome I am for the next twenty minutes straight?

JAMES TALKS AND TALKS. Meanwhile, beer, bongs, beer bongs, loud music, et cetera.

JAMES FRANCO

...And that's why I have all the guns and the money and all the girls love me. Hello, ladies, and welcome to the slightly-sleazier underbelly of Spring Break!

VANESSA HUDGENS

Um, what? You already said that part.

JAMES FRANCO

It's okay, this movie just does a thing from time to time where we repeat a bit of dialogue that already happened. Sometimes we do it immediately!

(pause)

Sometimes we do it immediately!

VANESSA HUDGENS

Wow, we're really doing anything we can to stretch this thing out to feature length, aren't we?

ASHLEY BENSON

By the way, thanks for taking us into the nerve center of your mansion where all your money and bling is and then giving us loaded guns. You IDIOT.

JAMES FRANCO

Woah, are you guys gonna murder me and take all my stuff? AWESOME!! Story is actually happening again, and you guys are possibly starting to show the slightest glimmer of being interesting characters!

VANESSA HUDGENS

Oh fuck, you're right. Never mind then, that was just us teasing, let's go right back to being your interchangeable ornaments.

They keep PARTYING, except now they're suddenly ROBBING PEOPLE like some kind of messed-up CHARLIE'S ANGELS.

ASHLEY BENSON

More random crimes happening out of nowhere, great. Why are we even doing robberies, isn't James like super fancy rich from drug dealing?

JAMES FRANCO

I don't know, why does anyone do anything in this movie? Who cares!

VANESSA HUDGENS

I guess this is gonna go real bad real soon, huh? I mean, we had some foreshadowing earlier saying that REAL BAD SHIT was coming. There was blood and everything.

Sure enough, a RIVAL GANGSTER shows up and shoots RACHEL in the arm!

VANESSA HUDGENS

OH CRAP, THE BAD STUFF'S STARTED! ...Oh, wait, that was it. That's all the consequences any of us girls are going to suffer for any of our actions.

RACHEL KORINE

Welp, better milk it for all we can then. NNNOOOOO, A SUPERFICIAL FLESH WOUND! EVERYTHING IS RUINED FOREVER! I'M GOING HOME!

(leaves)

JAMES FRANCO

Aw, Rachel's gone? Darn. If only I had two other girls completely indistinguishable from her OH WAIT.

ASHLEY BENSON

And hey, now that the director's wife is out of the picture we can finally have orgies without it being totally skeevy!

(looks at James' dreadlocks and gold teeth)

Well, almost.

They have an AWKWARD UNDERWATER THREESOME which suggests that none of them understand exactly how sex works, then they go off to kill the RIVAL GANGSTER. They enter the - OH LOOK JAMES IS DEAD.

VANESSA HUDGENS

Oh my God, what an abrupt and offhand death! This is actually kind of shocking! ...Or, it would be if it weren't for the fact that every single other event in the movie is equally abrupt and offhand.

ASHLEY BENSON

So you're saying this movie lacks so much dramatic weight that even "deliberately lacks dramatic weight" lacks dramatic weight? Woah. It's like the Inception of being terrible.

They go and face the GANGSTER'S THUGS at his SLEAZE MANSION. The hardened criminals are easily mowed down by the teenage girls who have never fired a gun in their lives, then they kill the GANGSTER and now the movie is pretty much over.

VANESSA HUDGENS

Yep, after being a giggling sociopath for ninety minutes, I've become disillusioned and homesick with disorienting suddenness. I'm going home.

ASHLEY BENSON

Since we apparently can't do a single damn thing to let the audience distinguish your personality from mine, I ALSO am sad and am going home.

VANESSA HUDGENS

You know, with the way this movie slightly fudges the chronology, I can't actually tell if we came to this decision before or after James got killed. That's actually kind of crucial to our characterizations, if you think about it.

ASHLEY BENSON

Oh come on, as if there's anyone still even pretending we have characterizations. What exactly was the point of this thing, anyway?

VANESSA HUDGENS

I guess, to point out that Spring Break is fun and liberating, but also a pit of dehumanizing sleaze which seems to take place in a weird alternate reality where people aren't themselves and the laws of conventional morality don't apply?

ASHLEY BENSON

Okay then: aside from continually restating the BLINDING OBVIOUS, what was the point of this thing?

VANESSA HUDGENS

Um...

BOOZE DRUGS NUDITY SPRING BREAK WOO.

END.