FADE IN:

EXT. GRITTY NEW YORK- WITH A SIDE OF GRIT

RAY STEVENSON watches TV and learns that the CESARE family keeps missing court because the people in charge of bringing them in keep dying. Then RAY changes the channel to SESAME STREET and learns P comes after the letter O. He changes the channel again and learns how to make an amazing turkey casserole because apparently that is how this CRAZED KILLER learns things.

INT. GRITTY MANSION

DOMINIC WEST appears before THE CESARE DON with his TWO YES MEN, a QUIRKY FATHER AND SON.

DOMINIC WEST

Today is a wonderful day to have a beautiful and unharmed face, and to have a deal with the Russians.

DASH MIHOK and TONY CALABRETTA are staking out the mansion, hoping someone generously comes to their car and asks to be arrested.

TONY CALABRETTA

Wow. I hope something exciting happens here, and I definitely hope we can hear bullets or incriminating evidence.

DASH MIHOK

We might bump into Ray Stevenson. I have a Masters degree in finding Ray Stevenson with a minor in Thomas Jane and a focus on Jon Bernanthal.

CESARE and his family of ITALIANS are sitting down to some OLIVE GARDEN when RAY turns off the LIGHTS.

RAY STEVENSON

(stands on a table holding a flare)

Time for Spaghetti and Kill Balls! Endless Death Sticks! When you are here you're deadly.

GUESTS AT TABLE

(wait patiently to see what Ray will do)

RAY BEHEADS the 90-year-old DON as if his neck is made out of cake. He then BREAKS GRANDMA'S neck, STABS UNCLE JOEY, and DEBOWELS NEPHEW GEORGE.

GUESTS AT TABLE

(still waiting patiently)

Let's see how this plays out.

OLIVE GARDEN WAITRESS

I should have asked for the tip before hand.

RAY leaves the mansion, but CALABRETTA aims a gun at him.

TONY CALABRETTA

Freeze...hey it's Ray, The Punisher. I didn't see it was you. We are only here to arrest mass murdering Italians and not mass murdering Italian vigilantes. Here are the keys to my car, a loaded gun, and a coupon for free police evidence.

(disappears from plot forever)

EXT. GRITTY DOCKS

DOMINIC WEST continues his deal to acquire NUCLEAR WEAPONS. This movie does not have the strength to carry that plot out successfully.

DOMINIC WEST

Love my beautiful face and how protected from blades it is.

THREE PARKOUR METH HEADS jump all over a building. One of them looks like KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY in a PIRATE WIG. Sadly, he is not the silliest character in this cartoon disguised as a Punisher movie.

FBI GUYS

We are staking out the shady docks. I hope our inside man wearing a wire doesn't get hurt.

INSIDE MAN

Dum, de dum, de dum. Just leaving the bathroom. I hope my thug disguise is working.

(Ray Stevenson shoots him)

RAY STEVENSON shoots tons of THUGS. He throws DOMINIC into a GLASS CRUSHING BIN. DOMINIC is able to BLOCK the crusher with his FACE.

INT. THE PUNISHER CAVE- SO DARK AND GRITTY BATMAN V. SUPERMAN LOOKS LIKE PAW PATROL

RAY is sad that he shot an FBI GUY. He secretly hopes an INCREDIBLY POOR CASTING JOB takes his mind off of it.

RAY STEVENSON

I am starting to think my method of shooting at anything that moves near me is not a good plan for keeping the innocent safe.

WAYNE KNIGHT

Jerry! That FBI Guy you shot has a wife and a kid. Didn't you have one of those?

RAY STEVENSON

Newman! This casting makes sense considering that every actor treats their character as serious as Kramer.

INT. GRITTY POLICE DEPT. WHERE EVERYONE IS GETTING TOO OLD FOR THIS...

COLIN SALMON is a no-nonsense investigator who wants to find RAY STEVENSON and bring him to justice. He is working with our old friend DASH MIHOK who is an all-nonsense investigator who GIGGLES like a school girl when he hears the word PUNISHER.

COLIN SALMON

So you are in charge of finding a mass killer and the closest you have gotten is writing about him in your dream journal?

DASH MIHOK

And I categorized every kill he has done for the last five years. The first shelf is gun kills, the second shelf is knife kills, and the third shelf is kills with kindness.

INT. GRITTY DOCTOR'S OFFICE

DOMINIC is getting his VILLAIN ORIGIN STORY.

DOMINIC WEST

After losing my entire face to a grinder, I have high hopes that I will remove these bandages and look good as new. What do you think, Father and Son duo who follow me around?

YES MEN

Sounds good.

DOCTOR WHO HAS NOT SEEN BATMAN 1989

Let me just take off these bandages, while I remind you how impossible it will be for you to look good again.

(doctor gets stabbed)

DOMINIC WEST

Call me Jigsaw, based on that billboard I see out my window. Also my new character arc will make Deadpool look like a Shakespearean actor by comparison.

(spins propeller on beanie hat)

EXT. PORCH OF GRIT

RAY brings his TALL DARK AND MURDEROUS PHYSIQUE up to the FBI GUY'S LITTLE GIRL.

RAY STEVENSON

Hey darling, you remind me of my murdered wife and kids. I have a teddy bear in my murder van.

RAY is GREETED with a GUN to his head.

JULIE BENZ

Hey, I am the one adult female representative of this movie. You shot my husband.

RAY STEVENSON

I am soooooooo sorry. Would you like me to quit forever or continue to murder every gross looking Italian in NYC?

JULIE BENZ

I guess we should continue the movie; all is forgiven.

LITTLE GIRL

Can I call you new daddy?

INT. ARKHAM ASYLUM ORDERED ON WISH.COM

DOMINIC WEST continues his SILLY TOUR freeing his brother, DOUG HUTCHINSON, from the BUDGET ASYLUM.

DOUG HUTCHINSON

Oh wow, I need to out silly Discount Ryan Reynolds over here. He set the silly bar very high.

(raves about apple sauce)

(eats a man's kidneys)

INT. SOMEWHERE IN THE GRITOPOLIS

Remember those PARKOUR METH HEADS? They have this PARKOUR SCENE that looks like GEORGE MILLER directed a CAPRISUN AD. They kidnap JULIE and LITTLE GIRL so RAY SHOOTS a rocket at one of them and the FX TEAM spends about 25 cents making it look like an EXPLOSION from DOOM.

COLIN SALMON

(investigating)

Hey, maybe that giant trail of dead bodies will lead us to the Punisher.

DASH MIHOK

(finger up his nose)

Oops, Punisher asked nicely to leave so I gave him back his guns.

COLIN SALMON

The silly meter has exploded!

RAY rescues JULIE and LITTLE GIRL and explodes the faces of DOMINIC'S men with his FIST and the FX TEAM boosts the FX BUDGET to 30 cents.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM OF GRIT

HOMELAND SECURITY interrogates DOMINIC WEST.

HOMELAND SECURITY

We need to get back to that plot about a nuclear weapon in New York City.

DOMINIC WEST

Give me full immunity, unlimited planes, and trillions of dollars and I will participate in a sting to catch the suppliers.

HOMELAND SECURITY

Sigh. I make the rules here. You will do what I say. How about full immunity and six planes? Sorry, I had to play hardball.

INT. INSPIRATIONAL THUG MONTAGE...OF GRIT

DOMINIC and his brother go to RANDOM gangs and give them a military recruitment talk so silly it makes JIM CARREY'S MASK look like OPPENHEIMER.

INT. THE RAY CAVE- GRIT O' CLOCK

RAY is introducing JULIE BENZ and LITTLE GIRL to their brand new life.

RAY STEVENSON

It's not much, but you can feel free to raid the Spam barrel if you get hungry. I marked out which rats are friendly and which ones are territorial. Who wants the top bunk? It has the least amount of blood on it.

Suddenly DOMINIC'S GOONS capture WAYNE KNIGHT, JULIE BENZ, and LITTLE GIRL and take them to an ABANDONED HOTEL.

JULIE BENZ

My goodness we are so easily captured.

CARLOS GONZALEZ-VIO

Hi folks, I am also in this movie as wait for it, "Carlos", but my character is barely worth the end of this sen-

(dies)

INT. CHURCH OF THE HOLY MARVEL

RAY is feeling sad because he shoots people. A PRIEST reveals the most HILARIOUS NUGGET OF BACKSTORY IN THE HISTORY OF ORIGINS. Make sure you are sitting when you read this. Have a defib handy.

PRIEST

Ray, why did you quit seminary to be a murderous vigilante?

THE SIX PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE

(dying of laughter)

(needing to be taken out on stretchers)

CUT TO: FRANK CASTLE, COOL YOUTH PASTOR ON DISNEY PLUS

SUDDENLY, DAREDEVIL falls from the ceiling.

PRIEST

Oops, my seven o' clock is here.

JOHN WICK hobbles in.

PRIEST

I double booked myself again!

INT. HOTEL GRITOFORNIA

RAY does a montage where he loads one gun and now he is ready for his FINAL SCENE. The FX TEAM raises the budget to a dollar fifty.

The FINAL SCENE GOES LIKE THIS: bang, bang, explode, explode, guts everywhere, guy on the toilet explodes. Bang, bang, bang, boom, clap, clap. FIN.

RAY STEVENSON

There is also a subplot about getting the Russians to help us, but I can tell everyone's ability to care about this Straight To VHS garbage heap is reaching its limit. Just pretend I shot every race, creed, and color in the hotel.

DOMINIC has WAYNE KNIGHT and JULIE BENZ tied up in the UKRAINIAN BATH HOUSE section of the hotel.

DOMINIC WEST

I hope you enjoyed that biting and wet willy fight scene with Doug. Can you believe Disney wants to buy Marvel. Imagine how silly and kiddie they would make this movie?

(clears throat)

Now we have a real Gwen Stacy choice on our hands. Should I shoot the 18th most likeable character from Seinfeld or the mom and daughter that you keep creeping on?

WAYNE KNIGHT

I will pay you in muffin tops if you take me out of this dumpster fire.

RAY SHOOTS DOUG HUTCHINSON, DOMINIC SHOOTS WAYNE KNIGHT, and the AUDIENCE wishes there was a bullet left for their eyes and ears.

FINALLY, RAY stabs DOMINIC WEST and sets him on fire. Just like the FIRST MOVIE with TRAVOLTA but at 1/54th of the budget and dignity.

EXT. CHURCH OF THE HOLY GRIT

DASH and RAY are shooting the breeze together. The breeze DIES in a gruesome way.

DASH MIHOK

I guess this is where you give up your vigilante life and settle down, learning your lesson that violence begets violence.

RAY STEVENSON

Sure. It was nice of Thomas Jane to lend me his costume for the weekend.

Suddenly, an EVIL FAT GUY tries to rob MISHOK, but RAY SHOOTS him. The JESUS SAVES sign fades away in the background.

REGISTRAR AT SEMINARY

Ray, this will negatively affect your admission into the Youth Pastor Program.

(sitcom laughter)

(Ray shrugs)

(Created by Lorne Michaels appears)

END