FADE IN:

A TITLE CARD explains to everybody that OUTER SPACE has NO AIR and NO SOUND and YOU CANNOT SURVIVE UNAIDED IN SPACE, NOT EVEN A LITTLE TEENSY WEENSY BIT, DOUBLE PINKY SWEAR. It then reminds us that the temperature in orbit varies from ASS-MELTINGLY HOT to BALL-SPLINTERINGLY COLD, a fact which is USELESS TO THE PLOT. It does not, however, make any mention of ORBITAL MECHANICS because that would TEAR THE MOVIE IN HALF ASSWISE AND THEN SKULLFUCK IT.

EXT. EARTH ORBIT

There is only SILENCE. A tiny, crackling STATIC begins with faint VOICES in it.

DIRECTOR ALFONSO CUARON

Okay, what asshole left their phone on?!?

(pause)

Oh wait, that’s part of the movie. Although all the thumping of seats and crinkling of snacks is definitely not. STOP KILLING THE MOOD, PEOPLE! Just sit and be riveted by my ultra-realistic film of high realism that begins with the discontinued shuttle program still existing.

A SPACE SHUTTLE drifts into view along with astronauts SANDRA BULLOCK, GEORGE CLOONEY, and REDSHIRT MCSHRAPNELFACE. SANDRA works on adding a new GRAPHICS CARD to the HUBBLE TELESCOPE while GEORGE FUCKS AROUND in a JETPACK.

GEORGE CLOONEY

(firing jets every half-second)

La-dee-da, waaa-sting fuel, wa-sting all of my fuuuuel....

SANDRA BULLOCK

George, maybe you could pause your irresponsible spacewalk for a moment? I just dropped a bolt DIRECTLY AT THE CAMERA!

GEORGE CLOONEY

Don't worry, I got it JUST BEFORE IT HIT THE CAMERA! So, what's this gizmo you built that's so important you skipped years of astronaut training and psychological assessment?

SANDRA BULLOCK

Oh, just your run-of-the-mill scientific, ethical, purely legal top-secret thingie that has TONS of non-military applications that don't destabilize governments in any way. It's certainly nothing that would make the Russians want to kill us, while making it look like an accident, so as to avoid a declaration of war! Ha, ha ha.

ED HARRIS

(over radio)

Hey guys, a Russian missile just took out one of their own communications satellites! But don't worry, everything's fine.

(pause)

Barely worth mentioning, really. We're fine. Just carry on as usual.

(pause)

Yup, 100% completely, normally fineOH FUCKITY COCK SHIT IT'S TOTALLY NOT FINE REPEAT EPIC LACK OF FINE GET THE FUCK OUT RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!!!

GEORGE CLOONEY

Ed, why the panic? Comm satellites orbit thousands of miles higher than the Hubble.

ED HARRIS

True, but somehow they all destroyed each other in a zillion-to-one-longshot chain reaction, and the wreckage all gathered together and plummeted Earthward before banking a hard right to come screaming directly towards all of you! Get to safety before-

(static)

GEORGE CLOONEY

“All of you?” Huh, I only just noticed there's other astronauts up here with us! I was sure it would be just me and-

Suddenly the SHUTTLE is SHREDDED TO BITS by the PAPER BIRDS from SPIRITED AWAY, with some help from chunks of SATELLITE DEBRIS!

OTHER ASTRONAUTS

(dead)

GEORGE CLOONEY

Thought so.

SOUND EDITORS

Phew, there’s no sound in space. We can take a day off!

DIRECTOR ALFONSO CUARON

Okay team, don’t forget to add crashing and explosion noises to all this for the trailer versions!

SOUND EDITORS

(returning to work)

Stupid damn stupid trailer stupid marketing

SANDRA goes SPINNING OFF alone!

SANDRA BULLOCK

Aaaaugh! What do I do? I’m flying! No! I’m doomed! Help! Augh!

(hyperventilating)

HEH-hoo-HEH-hoo-HEH-hoo-HEH-

GEORGE CLOONEY

Sandra, calm down and...

SANDRA BULLOCK

No! What! I’m spinning! I can’t! Help! ...Oh hey, the camera moved to my POV and now everything else is spinning instead. That's much better. Wait, where's it going AUUGH IT'S BACK TO ME SPINNING AGAIN!! AIEEE!!

GEORGE CLOONEY

Hang on, Sandra, I've got you! Now let's...

DIRECTOR ALFONSO CUARON

CUT! We have just cut the camera for the first time so far, because super-long takes were so cool when I used them in Children of Men. Be impressed!

GEORGE CLOONEY

I gotta say, it’s not quite as impressive when the whole long take is all CGI with the occasional actor’s face thrown in.

DIRECTOR ALFONSO CUARON

Hm, good point. But what if I used the CGI techniques we've seen to do the entire movie in a single unbroken real-time shot? THAT would be impressive, right?

GEORGE CLOONEY

Yeah, I guess so.

DIRECTOR ALFONSO CUARON

Well too late now, so fuck it. Let's spin Sandra some more...

GEORGE CLOONEY

Wait! Grizzled-jaw senses... tingling!

(frowns)

My stubble senses trouble from the rubble of the Hubble. That shrapnel is gonna come back around in 90 minutes! We gotta move!

SANDRA BULLOCK

But if it's going that much faster than us at the same elevation, won't it break orbit and drift harmlessly into the void?

GEORGE CLOONEY

It would but, um, SPACE IS COLD!! C'mon, let's head towards the International Space Station. Then we can grab a ride, y'know, like when Keanu jumped from the car onto the bus!

SANDRA BULLOCK

The same ISS that's on a wholly different orbital path from the one we've been following? Well I guess your analogy works, if the car and bus were on separate, non-parallel highways 100 miles apart, and they were each going 17,000 miles per hour.

GEORGE CLOONEY

(pause)

Hey, did you know there's no air in space?! And no sound either!! GOLL-LEE!!

Sure enough, they spot the ISS floating merrily nearby because this movie equates placing objects in SUSTAINED ORBIT with hanging ornaments on a CHRISTMAS TREE.

SANDRA BULLOCK

Oh crap, my oxygen is down to 5%! Remind me why we didn't search the wrecked shuttle for fresh air tanks?

GEORGE CLOONEY

Hm, this could be bad. Let me explain to you, and hence the audience, why not breathing is bad.

SANDRA BULLOCK

Please do, because lecturing a medical doctor about why breathing is good doesn't make you look like an asshat AT ALL.

GEORGE CLOONEY

Wait, you're a medical doctor? What the hell are you doing installing circuit boards in outer space?

SANDRA BULLOCK

Oh it's because I have a dead kid. So I got the special backstory exemption from needing training or qualifications or any objective reason to be here.

GEORGE CLOONEY

I see. Well just conserve your air until we reach the ISS, okay?

SANDRA BULLOCK

Roger that!

(pause)

HEH-hoo-HEH-hoo-HEH-hoo-HEH-

GEORGE CLOONEY

Right, here we go! I would use my jetpack to help us land, but I burned most of my fuel earlier on while I was spaceturbating. HANG ON!

SANDRA and GEORGE CRASH THE FUCK INTO THE ISS and start BOUNCING OFF every last thing in sight like a DRUNKEN PADDLE-BALL GAME.

GEORGE CLOONEY

BLURGH!

SANDRA BULLOCK

SPLORK!!

GEORGE CLOONEY

WHOOOPS!! FNORTZ!!!

SANDRA BULLOCK

UHHN! UNN! GNUHH! ERRK!! NURG!! UNNH! ACK!! UHNNH!! NERPH!!!

GEORGE CLOONEY

MY BALLS

SANDRA BULLOCK

UHHN! AIEE! EEK!! UMPHH! UNNH! EEE! OIK!! AIEE!! UNNH! UHHN! GNUUH!

Luckily SANDRA'S FOOT catches on some ROPE! She grabs a TETHER with GEORGE on the end!

GEORGE CLOONEY

Damnit, I'm pulling us away from the ISS at zero point zero zero diddly squat nanometres per eon. I have to let go.

SANDRA BULLOCK

Or, you could take off your jetpack and kick it away from you, which would easily counteract the tiny force moving us outward. It's a ludicrously simple problem for someone who's supposed to be a veteran astronaut such as yourself.

GEORGE CLOONEY

Oh come on, you think I can recall a Newtonian Law of Motion off the top of my head? How many of those are there anyway, seventy thousand?

SANDRA BULLOCK

Three. There are three.

GEORGE CLOONEY

Fine. But none of them are gonna give me top billing, so... FAREWELL!

(casts himself loose)

THINK OF MEEE....

(pause)

...er, SHED NO TEARS, FOR I AM AT PEEEEACE...

(pause)

This is taking a while.

(pause)

Um, I'm gonna keep saying noble tragic hero things until I drift out of range, okay?

SANDRA BULLOCK

Whatever. Why don't you read Ray Bradbury's "Kaleidoscope" or "The Illustrated Man" while you wait to die?

GEORGE CLOONEY

OOH SNAP HARD-SF BURN!!! Good one, Sandra, now get inside.

(pause)

MY GOD IT'S SOOO BEAUUUTIFUULLLL...

SANDRA nimbly SPACE-PARKOURS herself inside the ISS!

INT. INT. SPACE STATION

SANDRA BULLOCK

With everything going to shit eighty-six ways from Sunday I should DEFINITELY remove every last scrap of my spacesuit. What are the odds I'd need THAT at a moment's notice? Now for my Star Child impression!

SANDRA strips down to her UNDIES which thankfully do not include ADULT DIAPERS because realism is all well and good but YEAH, NO FUCKING THANK YOU.

SANDRA BULLOCK

With no other actors left, I’ll have to communicate emotions solely through changes in my breathing.

(pause)

Heh-Hoo. Hehoohehoo? HEH-HOO!

(pause)

Heh-HOO?

SANDRA searches for some more SUPER-FIRM-HOLD GEL to keep her strangely UNSWEATY HAIR locked firmly in place, breezing right past some THINGS ON FIRE.

SANDRA BULLOCK

Eh, who cares. Fire doesn't work in zero-G, right?

FIRE

(creating fireball)

WWROOOOOOOONGGG!!!!

SANDRA grabs an EXTINGUISHER and starts BLASTING, which throws her BACKWARDS where she BASHES HER HEAD against a METAL STRUT which knocks her out and she burns horribly to death.

END

JUST KIDDING she wakes up right away and is TOTALLY FINE, having successfully educated the AUDIENCE in the application of equal and opposite reactions in ZERO GRAVITY, the same principle that would have saved GEORGE CLOONEY all of FIVE MINUTES AGO.

SANDRA BULLOCK

Oh geez, I'd better get to the Soyez module right away. I sure hope it malfunctioned just enough for the original crew to leave it behind, while still being useful to me!

Well GUESS WHAT.

SANDRA BULLOCK

Yay, the only problem is that its chute already deployed and is caught on the ISS. I'll just push the "chute release" button and escape!

(pushes button)

COMPUTER VOICE

NYET. TOO EARLY IN MOVIE TO ALLOW EASY SOLUTION. CHUTE RELEASE DENIED.

SANDRA BULLOCK

Darn. Guess I'll spacewalk and disengage manually. I should still have plenty of time, no way has 90 minutes' worth of events happened since...

DEBRIS

(fragging ISS)

Space. I'mInSpace. SoMuchSpace, GottaSeeItAll. Dad,AreYouSpace? SPAAAAAAAAAAAACE!

SANDRA BULLOCK

Aaaugh! A bunch of CGI explosions and action which barely has any real components!

(pause)

Wait, how is this any different than any other big-budget blockbuster winging CGI all over the place?

DIRECTOR ALFONSO CUARON

Beats me. How are you any different from Kristen Stewart?

SANDRA BULLOCK

Hey! How dare you compare me to some soulless, plastic... oh, I see what you did there.

SANDRA escapes in the SOYEZ MODULE and aims for the CHINESE SPACE STATION, again, conveniently hung just a FEW BRANCHES OVER on the ORBITAL CHRISTMAS TREE. Unfortunately, the SOYEZ MODULE is now OUT OF FUEL, leaving SANDRA stranded between them.

SANDRA BULLOCK

Dammit, firing the jets constantly burned up all the fuel! Why couldn't I have recently seen a demonstration of how reckless that is!!

(into radio)

Hello? Houston in the Blind? Paris in the Spring? Autumn in New York? Come in, come in!

(pause)

NASA? SG-1? Starfleet? HAL? I’ll talk to goddamn Ewoks if I have to. Just give me somebody else to converse with.

She chances across a RADIO SIGNAL of SOME GUY AND HIS DOGS because EVERY MOVIE NEEDS DOGS NOW!! YOU CAN'T MAKE A FILM IN 2013 WITHOUT FUCKING DOGS GODDAMMIT, EVEN IN OUTER FUCKING SPACE!!!

SANDRA BULLOCK

Ah, a chance to communicate with another living soul before perishing in bleak isolation. Truly, this final exchange will be full of poignancy and meaning...

(pause)

AA-OOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

DOG

(on radio)

AA-OOOOOO!! AA-OOOOOOO!!!

SANDRA BULLOCK

AA-OOOOOOOOO!!! AA-OOOOOOO!!!!! AA-OOOOO!! AA-OOOOOOooooo...?

(pause)

DIRECTOR ALFONSO CUARON

(eating sandwich)

Keep going.

SANDRA BULLOCK

AA-OOOOOOOOOO!!! AA-OOOOOOOO!!!

DOG

(on radio)

AA-OOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

GUY

(on radio)

What's that, girl? Sandra fell down the gravity well? Have you been getting into my weed aga-

(breaks into static)

SANDRA BULLOCK

Nuts. I guess all that's left to do is die. But first a big emotional scene...

(cries)

I'm sure the 3D floating tears aren't distracting anybody from my Oscar moment, right? Good thing I'm not a snotty crier.

GEORGE CLOONEY

(barging in)

Surprise, it's me!! Have some vodka and nachos!

(grins)

I'm still dead of course, just a hallucination. The thing is, you've already figured out a solution to the problem. You just had to imagine it coming from a male authority figure so you'd believe it!

(vanishes)

SANDRA BULLOCK

That's it! Gosh, thanks, ingrained patriarchal worldview!

DIRECTOR ALFONSO CUARON

Can I just point out that was another really long take? Worship me, critics!

SANDRA cleverly gets the SOYEZ to fire its LANDING THRUSTERS by RECALIBRATING ITS ALTOMETER, clearly something that would have been covered in her abbreviated crash-course where she didn't even pass LANDING IT.

SANDRA BULLOCK

That's most of the way there. Now for my WALL-E impression!

SANDRA uses the EXTINGUISHER to COMICALLY FLY AROUND LIKE A RELEASED BALLOON and winds up VERY CLOSE to the CHINESE SPACE STATION. She covers the final distance by THROWING THE EXTINGUISHER THE OTHER WAY which, again, SORRY GEORGE CLOONEY.

SANDRA BULLOCK

Phew, once more, the disaster that made everyone evacuate has spared the escape module I need! Luckily this foreign spaceship bares a general similarity to that other foreign spaceship I'm barely trained on!

She hops into the CHINESE ESCAPE POD, then SUCCESSFULLY RE-ENTERS EARTH'S ATMOSPHERE and achieves SPLASHDOWN by RANDOMLY PUSHING BUTTONS and seeing what happens. Yep, randomly pushing buttons. That’s what saves her. And hope or whatever.

EXT. EARTH - A LAKE

The POD catches FIRE, forcing SANDRA to FLOOD IT so it SINKS! She nearly DROWNS from her HEAVY SPACE SUIT, is almost TRAPPED in the SHIP PARACHUTE, then swims into a CLUMP OF WEEDS because some days just REALLY REALLY SUCK, you know?

Then, at long last, SANDRA makes it to shore, in another really long take comprising the final, epic shot of the movie. Unfortunately, some MUD gets all over the CAMERA LENS a little before the end.

DIRECTOR ALFONSO CUARON

CUT! No, fuck it, we’re not doing that all over again! Play the soundtrack louder and no one will notice!

SANDRA BULLOCK

I'm alive! Reborn! Evolved! Risen! Are we all getting this? It's called symbolism, people. It's a thing real movies do.

(struggling to feet)

But after all I've endured, I guess you could say I finally appreciate the GRA-

She is CRUSHED by a GIANT FLAMING PIECE OF SPACE STATION DEBRIS.

END