EXT. SOME UNIVERSE- PROBABLY OURS

We close in on the MAXIMAL home world, where RON PERLMAN is giving us the HEAVILY BORROWED PLOT of the villain, while TONGAYI CHIRISA, CHEETOR, SUPERVISES.

RON PERLMANBOT

(monkeying around)

I am Ron Perlman, a giant robotic ape that moves on all fours. I also play Optimus Primal, a giant robotic gorilla that moves on all fours.

(begins plot breakdown)

There is a dark god that consumes planets around the universe named...

TONGAYI CHIRISABOT

(Cheetor-ing)

...Galactus. You are explaining Galactus.

RON PERLMANBOT

No, totally different. Unicron sends his servant...

TONGAYI CHIRISABOT

...Silver Surfer? Is there an Optimus Reed Richardtron coming up?

RON PERLMANBOT

Noooo! We got to this plot point before Marvel did. Let us have this, bro! We are not going to excel at anything else.

TONGAYI CHIRISABOT

Got it. You are like the Asylum Pictures of Marvel. You take their better ideas and horribly massacre them.

RON PERLMANBOT

Fine. Unicron, or Colman Domingo, or Colman Unimingo, came to our world. He sent Scourge, or Peter Dinklage, or Peter Scourmage, to look for the Transwarp Key. That would allow Unicolman to travel to alternate universes so he can eat more planets. Considering that he is a giant suck hole that moves at 30 MPH, he is probably good in just one universe that spans a trillion light years, but you know...whatever. Anyways, a bigger version of me, Apelinq, got killed, and we now have to hide the Transwarp key on earth.

(takes deep breath)

Can I go again? That was really hard.

TONGAYI CHIRISABOT

No, I think we get it. You just explained the whole plot to the Justice League movie. Unicron is Darkseid, the alien warlord. Scourge is Steppenwolf. And the Transwarp key is a Mother Box. Way to set the bar high, Transformers.

INSERT TITLE: MARVELFORMERS: RISE OF THE LEAGUE

INT. APARTMENT IN NYC- CITY BY THE (MICHAEL) BAY

ANTHONY RAMOS is waking up to a LIFE OF FAILURE.

ANTHONY RAMOS

I guess every breakout actor on a hot streak has to pay their dues to a Summer popcorn flick. At least I don't have to sing.

STEVEN CAPLE JR.

Yea, but your life still sucks. We are doing that tired trope.

ANTHONY RAMOS

Like how tired are we talking about?

STEVEN CAPLE JR.

Coma level tiredness.

ANTHONY RAMOS

I miss singing.

STEVEN CAPLE JR.

Ehhh...you might as well sing.

ANTHONY RAMOS

(rapping)

Stuck in this dying brand when I thought I had potential, Pandering to the crappy script that was written with a pencil, Just a poor diverse boy who lives in New York City, We copied The Heights because we needed your pity, But here is a character that is nothing to sneeze, Dean Scott Vazquez here with sickle cell disease.

DEAN SCOTT VAZQUEZ

Big brother, I have the disease. Please support me and make sure you carry this family on your shoulders.

ANTHONY RAMOS

Should be no problem as long as my horrible life doesn't play into it.

STEVEN CAPLE JR.

It will.

INT. DOCTOR OFFICE FOR SICK KID BROTHERS

RAMOS is trying to get treatment for his brother.

DOCTOR

We added you to the "People who suck list." We would fulfill our Hippocratic Oath, but ruining your life seems much better.

INT. HOTEL FOR SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE ONLY

RAMOS is trying to get a job interview.

INTERVIEWER

I am sorry, Anthony. I deleted your interview. We are using your resume as toilet paper.

ANTHONY RAMOS

Ever have one of those days where you wish a huge metal transforming thing could whisk you away?

INT. MUSEUM WHERE WONDER WOMAN WORKS- PROBABLY

DOMINIQUE FISHBACK is a museum specialist who just so happened to memorize every ancient written language. Unfortunately, her boss is a JERK FACE.

MUSEUM LADY

Before you do anything that your highly honored degree in museum science requires you to do, please wash my clothes, get me coffee, take back that coffee, give me it again, and lower your paycheck.

DOMINIQUE FISHBACK

At least let me do one amazing thing to prove that I am a person with value.

(looks around for value)

I will automatically determine which archaeology pieces are fake just by looking casually at them.

FISHBACK sees an ancient HAWK STATUE that has the one written language she didn't memorize.

DOMINIQUE FISHBACK

Hmmmm...this is a clay hawk from the late MacGuffin Era, created by the Plot Necessary People of the ancient Lazy Writing Tribe.

(thinks)

I better go through the proper channels to get permission to examine it.

MUSEUM LADY

Does this dress make me look like Kristen Wiig?

DOMINIQUE FISHBACK

Seriously? Is this Wonder Woman 1984. This is a sampler platter of horrible Marvel and DC offerings.

EXT. RICH HOUSE OF WEALTH

ANTHONY RAMOS

Can't get one job so my only alternative is straight up crime. It's a good thing I am a whiz with gadgets.

RAMOS infiltrates the House of Wealth. His SHADY FRIEND, TOBE NWIGWE, is giving him instructions through an earpiece.

ANTHONY RAMOS

So, what are we looking for? Gold bars? Bonds? a vault of cash? Millions in Bitcoin?

TOBE NWIGWE

It's a popular toy that turns into a car.

ANTHONY RAMOS

That's it?

TOBE NWIGWE

We are talking about a Transformer, complete in box, mint-condition, Japanese model, 80s era collectible. Those go for $5000 on eBay.

RAMOS gets into the SPORTY CAR, but the car takes off into a POLICE CHASE. The SPORTY CAR rams multiple police cars into barriers and buildings. SO MANY POLICE are crippled for just doing their job. Our heroes!

INT. MUSEUM AT NIGHT

DOMINIQUE FISHBACK is using FLOATING LASERS that are appropriate for 1994 technology. The pottery breaks and a GIANT LASER shoots through the sky.

DOMINIQUE FISHBACK

I should run away in fear of losing my job and going to jail...but I think I will start up this 1994 PC and look up proto-Wikipedia.

EXT. THE WAREHOUSE

PETER CULLEN of OPTIMUS PRIME fame, makes a call to all the AUTO-BOTS. PETE DAVIDSON, BUMBLEBEE, and LIZA KOSHY answer the call.

PETER CULLENBOT

(Optimus Priming)

I am glad we chose this city randomly to stay inactive for ten years hoping that we picked the right city that has the Transwarp Key.

PETE DAVIDSONBOT

(Mirage-ing)

My bot is like a stoner trying to fit in with the cool kids. So different from my real life character. Look, I brought along a human thing.

ANTHONY RAMOS

(channeling Will Smith)

Ah...hell naw!

PETER CULLENBOT

Hate all humans. Let them die. I only care about my own people and not stupid earthlings. That is why we transform into their favorite transportation.

LIZA KOSHYBOT

(Arcee-ing)

I am so confused. Are we from this universe or a different one? We need the Transwarp to find our home world in a different universe. Unicron needs it to get into our universe. Unicron can get into the Maximal universe with no problem, but he needs to get the Transwarp to get into earth's universe, but the Maximals from Unicron's universe have no problem getting into earth's universe.

PETE DAVIDSONBOT

Just tell yourself that the Transwarp is the Infinity Gauntlet and Unicron is Thanos. That helps me get through this.

BUMBLEBEE

I quote movies now, but I don't change my voice enough to represent the quote, so it just sounds like normal actor guy saying lame action lines, which defeats my only gimmick. Also, I am not mentioned on IMDB.

EXT. MORE OUTDOOR NYC HIJINKS

PETER DINKLAGE is SCOURGE and he brought his team of VILLAIN BOTS.

PETER DINKLAGEBOT

(Scourge-ing)

So glad we picked this random planet, and random city, and random body of water to hide for thousands of years for this exact moment to be in the same place as the Transwarp.

MICHAELA JAE RODRIGUEZBOT

(Night Bird-ing)

We should be playing Vegas with these odds.

PETER DINKLAGEBOT

God forbid we actually represent the true villains of the Maximals. Megatron the T-Rex, Waspinator, Scorponok, Terrorsaur?

MICHAELA JAE RODRIGUEZBOT

(Night Bird-ing)

Wahlberg already spent that T-Rex nickel with his movies, and the audience isn't smart enough to see the difference between those animals and these animals.

The AUTOBOTS get into a huge CGI FIGHT with the TERROR BOTS. PETER CULLEN gets beaten easily. BUMBLEBEE gets shot up, and stabbed dead. LIZA KOSHY is just glad to be included.

PETER CULLENBOT

Auto-Bots Die Out! We don't have the strength or the skills to make even an inch of damage on these villains, which I am sure will be absolutely true in the third act of the movie.

MICHELLE YEOH, AIRZOR, swoops down and introduces herself.

MICHELLE YEOHBOT

(Airzor-ing)

Sorry, I was supposed to protect the Transwarp they just stole, but my strategy of waiting and seeing what happens didn't pan out so well. Also, I suck at hiding things if the artifact can be found by archaeologists and transferred to a museum without my knowledge.

PETER CULLENBOT

They sent you? You aren't even a main character in Beast Wars. You barely have a Wiki entry. We could've had Rat Trap, Dino Bot, Tigertron, Silverbolt, Depth Charge, Air Hammer, Claw Jaw, B'Boom, Bonecrusher, Jawbreaker or Convobot. I am calling it, right now. This director had Go-Bots growing up.

MICHELLE YEOHBOT

We need to find the other half of the key. We broke it in half and put one on the other side of the world.

DOMINIQUE FISHBACK

I know museum stuff so I should come along.

ANTHONY RAMOS

I have a family to support and a diseased brother...so I should come along.

BUMBLEBEE

(a corpse)

Bring me along, just in case.

EXT. PERU VILLAGE AND ANCIENT SITE

The AUTO-BOTS fly to PERU with JOHN DIMAGGIO's help as STRATOSPHERE ($300 mint-condition, in original box). There they meet CRISTO FERNANDEZ as WHEELJACK ($400, loose, signed by Jack Kirby).

CRISTO FERNANDEZBOT

(Wheeljack-ing)

Hello. I am the geeky comic relief of this movie.

PETE DAVIDSONBOT

Stay in your lane, bro!

PETER CULLENBOT

We need to sneak into that temple and get the key. Us Transformers can't do it because the world doesn't know we exist despite us standing out in the street in plain sight. If only we knew two people that could go straight through people sized doors.

PETE DAVIDSONBOT

You could just blow up the stuff and nab it because you care so little about humans in this movie.

PETER CULLENBOT

Tempting...

INT. TEMPLE OF THE HIDDEN MAGUFFINS

RAMOS and FISHBACK find an underground tunnel. FISHBACK notices more funny alien symbols that she can't decipher because she only memorized every Earth language ever written.

DOMINIQUE FISHBACK

The key is missing.

ANTHONY RAMOS

It feels right at home with the coherency of the plot.

DOMINIQUE FISHBACK

Would you rather we go back to the flaming dumpster pit known as The Last Knight?

ANTHONY RAMOS

This movie is an improvement, but that isn't saying much. That is like switching from drinking bleach to fat-free skim milk.

PETER DINKLAGE and his CREW OF TERROR start up fight scene number two. The AUTO-BOTS Wait until the very last second to help two defenseless humans. MICHELLE YEOH's AIRZOR gets ZOMBIE BITTEN by a ROBOT FRISBEE. PETER DINKLAGE can't jump an 8 foot gap in a bridge, so he lets the AUTO-BOTS get away.

PETER CULLENBOT

Whew. If this was a Michael Bay movie he would have no problem jumping it in a one minute slowmo scene.

EXT. PERUVIAN JUNGLE

The MAXIMALS come to the aid of the AUTO-BOTS team. RON PERLMAN is here, DAVID SOBOLOV as RHINOX, and TONGAYI CHIRISA as CHEETOR.

RON PERLMANBOT

I am Optimus Primal, named after the legend of Optimus Prime, who right now is being a bratty selfish prig in this movie. Never meet your heroes, I guess.

(continuing)

We had to move the last part of the key because it wasn't easy enough to find. We gave it to random villagers to leave lying around, because they are naturally amazing at defending themselves against raging murder machines. Then we went into hiding because there is no better way to protect a key then to stay very far away from it.

DAVID SOBOLOVBOT

(Rhinox-ing)

We...

TONGAYI CHIRISABOT

Have...

DAVID SOBOLOVBOT

Two lines...

TONGAYI CHIRISABOT

Tops...

They both collect their paychecks and leave.

EXT. MORE PERUVIAN LANDSCAPES

CUE UP the third fight scene. PETER DINKLAGE is able to come back and wreck more havoc on the MAXIMALS and AUTOBOTS. MICHELLE YEOH goes full zombie and gives the key to PETER DINKLAGE. MICHELLE YEOH is INFECTED and she begs RON PERLMAN to kill her.

RON PERLMANBOT

I will snap your neck and relieve you of your infection. Also, Transformers have working spines that attach to the brain stem just like humans.

PETER CULLENBOT

Shoot. Bumblebee had to be shot several times, stabbed, and crushed, and no one believes he is dead. You basically massaged Michelle Yeoh's neck to kill her.

EXT. EVEN MORE PERUVIAN LANDSCAPES

CUE the fourth fight scene. PETER DINKLAGE activates the keys and a giant TOWER OF SAURON grows out of the ground. The AUTO-BOTS have to override the machine with a code that DOMINIQUE FISHBACK wrote on her hand. Meanwhile, UNICRON is slowly crawling toward this universe at the speed of a turtle on the back of a slug.

PETER CULLENBOT

Hey, all my attacks are causing damage on these invincible enemies now. I am so happy I did that grinding mission off to the side where I slayed a million toasters to up my stats.

PETE DAVIDSONBOT

Even my attacks are hurting the invincible Peter Dinklage. It must be only people named Pete can hurt him now.

BUMBLEBEE

(back from the dead)

No, I am doing significant damage as well to the unbeatable Night Bird. She can only be hurt when a rap song from the 1990s is being played.

UNICRON

(Colman Domingoing)

Only six more hours till I am in your universe. I am going to shoot metal rabbit turds at you.

(purpose of metal rabbit turds deleted for clarity)

ANTHONY RAMOS is about to take a blast to the face, but PETE DAVIDSON picks him up and runs away...I mean stands in front of him and takes the blast several times.

ANTHONY RAMOS

Should I be running away?

PETE DAVIDSONBOT

No, stay right on the ground and let me get killed. Hey, do you want to wear my lifeless corpse?

ANTHONY RAMOS turns into MECHA ANTHONY RAMOS.

MECHA ANTHONY RAMOS

(wearing the dead corpse of Mirage)

Hey, even a small guy like me is easily beating the crap out of Peter Dinklage. Why did we worry about this guy?

PETER CULLEN beheads PETER DINKLAGE with ease. The TOWER CONTROLS get destroyed.

PETER CULLENBOT

Someone needs to stay back and blow up the tower. We can't go home, but that is okay because humans are good people now. Maybe I should pitch in and protect them from murder bots that we are responsible for.

RON PERLMANBOT

Seriously, why did I idolize you? You are slightly better than a scumbag in this movie.

All the TRANSFORMERS team up and keep PETER CULLEN from getting sucked into the death hole.

RON PERLMANBOT

I have made an oath that the Maximals will always protect the earth. Unless Shia Lebouf or Mark Wahlberg are heading the mission. Then the earth can die.

INT. NEW YORK DOCKS

DOMINIQUE FISHBACK is famous for discovering an ancient site and taking the credit for it. ANTHONY RAMOS comes back as a hero and he is going to try and get another job. AIDAN DEVINE is his boss. He is your AVERAGE JOE (wink, wink).

AIDAN DEVINE

I might have a special job for you. It is a job that uses a team of highly trained individuals that require vigilance. You might say it involves the G.I...tract, or possibly invoke the G.I...bill. You might need the help of the G.I...

ANTHONY RAMOS

Just stop, discount store Coulson. We all know you are part of G.I. Joe. We could smell this a mile away. Just say it and end the movie already.

AIDAN DEVINE

Just know that G.I. Joe is always there to protect the world from evil. Unless Shia Lebouf and Mark Wahlberg are heading the mission. Then the earth can die.

END