FADE IN:

EXT. LOS ANGELES

LOS ANGELES is getting ASS-FUCKED by ALIENS.

VARIOUS MARINES IN HELICOPTERS

(shouting)

OO-RAH! LET'S GO GET THOSE ALIENS!

AUDIENCE

Yay, we're getting directly into the action! Maybe this will do that good-movie thing of jumping right in and cleverly filling us in on the backstory as we go along.

(pause)

Or it might do that bad-movie thing where...

TITLE CARD: "36 HOURS EARLIER"

AUDIENCE

Fuck.

INT. MILITARY LOCATION

AARON ECKHART

Grumble, I am a battle-weary Marine who just wants to retire with my regrets intact.

RANDOM OFFICER BUDDY

Well as Fate would have it, there is an enormous crisis that forces us to give you One Last Mission where you might just possibly come to terms with your regrets, while gaining personal closure and a new willingness to live. Wow, what are the odds?

AARON ECKHART

Very well. I hope you've assembled a cliché-ridden team for me to lead.

WHITE MARINE #1

I am a nervous new recruit! I sure hope I make it back safely!

BLACK MARINE #1

I'm about to get married!

BLACK MARINE #2

I have a pregnant wife!

WHITE MARINE FROM "TRUE BLOOD"

I have PTSD!

WHITE MARINE #2

I'm a young officer from the top of my class with no field experience!

BLACK MARINE #3

I have a dead brother, and a chip on my shoulder because of it!

HISPANIC MARINE #1

I'm from New Jersey!

BLACK MARINE #4

I have a thick Nigerian accent!

WHITE MARINE #3

I'm white!

AARON ECKHART

Looks like I've got a team. So what's this crisis that will enable me to not be depressed?

RANDOM OFFICER BUDDY

Er, an alien invasion killing hundreds of thousands, perhaps millions, of people.

AARON ECKHART

Hmm, mass slaughter of innocents, but I'll feel better. Fair enough, I'm in.

INT. MOBILE HQ

GENERAL SEARGANT "SARGE" MCMAJOR

(shouting)

ALL RIGHT MARINES! ALIENS HAVE LANDED AND WE MUST FIGHT THEM! WE NEED EVERY LAST MARINE WE HAVE TO REPEL THIS MIND-BOGGLING FORCE WE CANNOT POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND, oh except you guys, we need you to go save a handful of civilians.

AARON ECKHART

That seems like a smart allocation of resources, yeah. Do we have any idea what these aliens want?

GENERAL SEARGANT "SARGE" MCMAJOR

(shouting)

Apparently they want our water. Which makes sense, since our planet is mostly water. Who'd EVER have thought of Earth being invaded by aliens who NEED water, and not, oh I don't know, ARE IMMEDIATELY KILLED by water? NOT M. NIGHT FUCKING SHYALAMAN OR WHOEVER WROTE "ALIEN NATION", THAT'S NOT WHO! But look what WE did! Aliens WANT what we have A LOT OF! WAS THAT SO GODDAMN HARD!?

AARON ECKHART

(shouting)

We'll just be on our way then.

The team GOES INTO BATTLE and SAVES FIVE PEOPLE, losing ONLY SIX PEOPLE in the process.

INT. BLOWN-TO-SHIT BUILDING

CIVILIAN WOMAN

(shouting)

Thank you, Aaron Eckhart, for saving us. And also for your extreme bravery by refusing to stop acting in the face of overwhelming CGI devastation.

AARON ECKHART

(shouting)

Just doing my duty, ma'am! In return, help me figure out the weak spot of this alien we've captured.

He STABS the EVER-LOVING FUCK out of the alien until it DIES.

AARON ECKHART

(shouting)

A-ha! This last organ I pierced must be the critical one. We should aim at that from now on!

CIVILIAN WOMAN

(shouting)

Or, it died because you just systematically destroyed every single organ in its entire torso with an enormous serrated knife, which will kill most anything. That last bit could have been its backup appendix for all we know.

AARON ECKHART

(shouting)

Come on men!! Let's go shoot aliens in their weak spot!!

CIVILIAN WOMAN

(shouting)

But even if you're right, wouldn't that spot be more heavily armoured than any other? Wouldn't it be better to shoot their least protected spot to at least disable them...

The MARINES follow AARON'S advice, and it WORKS!

CIVILIAN WOMAN

(shouting)

Wow, the aliens are even dumber than we are.

AARON ECKHART

(shouting)

We must tell the world! Let's escape in that bus over there!

They all pile into a BUS and recreate scenes from SPEED.

AARON ECKHART

(shouting)

DON'T STOP THE BUS!! DON'T GO BELOW 50!!

BLACK MARINE #2

(shouting)

SIR, A CHUNK OF ELEVATED HIGHWAY IS MISSING!

For a good, long moment, the AUDIENCE seriously expects that they will just JUMP the BUS.

AARON ECKHART

(shouting)

Don't be foolish, this is being done in "gritty-realistic" style, full of harsh reality. Now everyone get out and fight the aliens and their crazy laser-tripody thingie!!

They DO. A few more MARINES are blown up.

CIVILIAN KID

(shouting)

Nooo, my civilian dad has been shot and mortally wounded!

AARON ECKHART

(shouting)

Don't worry kid, I'm here to protect you!!

CIVILIAN KID

(shouting)

That's not what I'm worried about! I'm worried about the incredibly schmaltzy, triple-layer-of-melted-cheese speech you will inevitably give to me when my Dad finally dies!!

AARON ECKHART

(shouting)

Son, let me tell you something about Marines! When the going gets tough, and the dialogue gets hackneyed, and clichés are dropping like anvils all around us, do we quit?! Do we retreat?! HELL, NO!!! You'll listen to that cheesy speech and EMOTE, dammit!!

CIVILIAN KID

(shouting)

SIR, YES, SIR!!! OO-RAH!!

Most of them ESCAPE, and somehow meet up with MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ.

AARON ECKHART

(shouting)

About time you showed up, you've got second billing and the movie's halfway over.

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

(shouting)

Good thing that still leaves me three hours to be all sassy and tough in. However, since I respect you as an actor, I am going to do a brand-new combination of 1/4 sassy and 3/4 tough.

AARON ECKHART

(shouting)

Wasn't that what you did in Avatar?

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

(shouting)

No, that was 1/3 sassy and 2/3 tough.

AARON ECKHART

(shouting)

And Machete was....

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

(shouting)

3/5 sassy, 2/5 tough, until the end when I went 4/5 tough, 1/5 sassy. Please.

AARON ECKHART

(shouting)

I'm sorry. Anyway, we're running low on plot points, are you packing any?

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

(shouting)

Oh, maybe. I might just happen to have a magical coordinate thing that can deliver magical missile strikes to any target we find. Y'know.

WHITE MARINE #2

(shouting)

Wow, that's kinda sassy. But mostly tough.

The MARINES re-enact BLACK HAWK DOWN except with ALIENS instead of SOMALIS and they eventually find the CONTROL CENTRE.

AARON ECKHART

(shouting)

That's right, audience, the aliens have brought a huge convenient control pod along with them, and by destroying it we disable their entire air force. Like any intelligent creature, they have hidden it in the middle of the actual battlefield itself, rather than anywhere safe.

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

(shouting)

Let's laser-target it, causing missiles to appear literally out of nowhere to destroy it!

WHITE MARINE FROM "TRUE BLOOD"

(shouting)

Not before I nobly sacrifice myself!! ARRRRGH!!!

AARON ECKHART

(shouting)

Whatever. ALIEN GO BOOM NOW!

They DESTROY the CONTROL CENTRE! Also, the FOOT SOLDIER ALIENS who were trying to shoot them not TWO SECONDS ago DISAPPEAR.

BLACK MARINE #3

(shouting)

OO-RAH!!! WELCOME to URFF!!

INT. NEW MOBILE HQ

GENERAL SEARGANT "SARGE" MCMAJOR

(shouting)

Good work, Marines! While all other soliders and aliens around the Earth have been fighting like unthinking automatons, your monopoly on having any shred of initiative has singlehandedly turned the tide of this global conflict! Now get some well-earned rest.

AARON ECKHART

(shouting)

What, you think just because we've been fighting non-stop for two days with no sleep or food, that it somehow impairs our ability to kick alien ass, or, y'know, function in any way?

AUDIENCE

(not shouting)

Well, yeah. Really you should all be keeling over from exhau-

AARON ECKHART

(shouting)

HELL NO!!! TIME TO KICK MORE ALIEN ASS, OH YEAHHHHHH!

MOVIE

(shouting)

"BATTLE: LA" THE GAME, COMING SOON! PROBABLY!

END