FADE IN:

EXT. TRAIN TRACKS JUST OUTSIDE OF FROGTOWN

We see the title THEY LIVE spray-painted on a wall, hardly THE THING levels of sophistication but hey, director JOHN CARPENTER doesn't have time to set up a burning trash bag in front of a light apparatus for EVERY damn movie.

A train pulls away to reveal ROWDY RODDY PIPER and his ENORMOUS BACKPACK that holds his BACKUP ROWDY RODDY PIPER. He walks into town as the MAIN CREDITS start, and since JOHN CARPENTER also did the score you know what THAT means, AW YEAH IT'S OCTAVE AND MINOR THIRD TIME BABY

RODDY PIPER

This town's in rough shape, people have cardboard boxes for hats. But I bet it's full of intricate, layered adventures...

A credit reveals the movie is based on a SHORT STORY.

RODDY PIPER

Aw man, I hope they didn't have to pad out any scenes too much...

(are you wearing the sunglasses?)

Huh? Why'd you ask?

(you'll see)

RODDY goes to a JOB OFFICE and gets told there are ZERO JOBS, so he says FUCK THAT and wanders into the first construction site he finds and gets HIRED.

KEITH DAVID

Nicely done. Say, I know where we can shower up later, if you're interested.

RODDY PIPER

The hell I am.

(follows Keith conspicuously)

Dream on buddy.

(walks right behind Keith)

Okay fuck it.

(becomes pen pal)

EXT. SHANTY TOWN

KEITH takes RODDY to his SHANTY TOWN where they're able to get some FOOD and SHELTER and +2 ACTIONS and since they have no action cards in hand, +2 CARDS. They EAT their food while complaining about THEIR LIVES (fun fact, also the tentative name for the sequel).

KEITH DAVID

Things are shit, man. We bailed out big businesses and they just made themselves richer, and kept shitting on us.

RODDY PIPER

Oh man, I wonder if people watching in 2019 will have any way to relate to the problems of 1988, ha ha.

Elsewhere in the shanty town, typecast-bum GEORGE "BUCK" FLOWER is watching TV when the signal gets HACKED!

GUY ON TELEVISION

You fools, you're all asleep! Focussed only on your own gain, social justice is dead! If you don't wake up soon, even wanting social justice will become an insult!

RODDY PIPER

Hm, that's unusual.

Later on a blind preacher also ranting about conspiracy stuff is led into a nearby CHURCH.

RODDY PIPER

Hmm.

(observes)

The next morning the TV is HACKED AGAIN, and SHANTY TOWN LEADER PETER JASON ducks into that same CHURCH.

RODDY PIPER

Hmmmmm.

(observes)

(ten minutes later)

Might be something up with that church.

INT. CHURCH

RODDY wanders in, finding only regular dull church stuff like LABORATORY EQUIPMENT and SUNGLASSES (o-ho!) and a large REEL-TO-REEL TAPE MACHINE PLAYING GOSPEL CHOIR MUSIC so, y'know, nothing suspicious.

RODDY PIPER

I was wondering how that whole gospel choir kept getting in and out of this church with nobody ever seeing them. Let's see what's really going on...

He peeks into the next room and sees PETER JASON and LA RESISTANCE! They are arguing!

PETER JASON

We gotta send the shipment! Otherwise we can't stop the signal! In space nobody can hear you scream! Thanos demands your silence!

RODDY slowwwly backs up, so slowly that he trips, bumps against the wall and dislodges a secret panel!

RODDY PIPER

Wow, considering all the shit they left lying around in the open, whatever's hidden here must be SUPER important. But I think right now it's more important to... observe.

EXT. SHANTY TOWN

RODDY sweet-talks some guy out of his BINOCULARS so that he can watch the CHURCH for any SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY.

RODDY PIPER

(observes)

PETER JASON

(scurries about)

(looks side-to-side shiftily)

(stuffs unlabelled manila envelopes under various benches)

LA RESISTANCE

(erect barricade on rue Saint-Martin)

RODDY PIPER

I still have this crazy feeling something's up. Gotta keep observing!

(observes)

(observes)

(many, many hours later)

Damn it's almost dark. I wonder, what if I tilt the binoculars sliiightly upwards...

RODDY does this to see A FUCKING HELICOPTER BLASTING HELICOPTER NOISE SUPER LOUD which is amazing since it was UTTERLY AND COMPLETELY SILENT until he LOOKED RIGHT AT IT. On the ground, COPS SWARM the place and start RAIDING the SHANTY TOWN including the area immediately surrounding RODDY!

RODDY PIPER

(observes)

The COPS throw FLARES and BULLDOZERS START CRUSHING SHIT and there's CHAOS AND PANIC EVERYWHERE!

RODDY PIPER

Maybe I should look for my backpack.

(thinks)

Nah.

The COPS start rounding up LA RESISTANCE people and so finally RODDY decides to REACT TO THINGS and starts jogging away. COPS pursue but RODDY climbs into an open window!

COPS

Well fuck this, I mean, he went through a fucking window.

(throw up hands)

(leave)

EXT. TRASHED SHANTY TOWN - THE NEXT DAY

RODDY returns and, failing to draw any of his GRAVEROBBERS, cannot save the SHANTY TOWN and instead heads into the CHURCH.

RODDY PIPER

They must have been after what's behind the secret panel. Since I accidentally bumped it open before, guess I should KICK THE FUCK OUT OF YOU

(annihilates panel)

RODDY grabs the hidden box which is full of SUNGLASSES!

RODDY PIPER

Didn't they also have special sunglasses lying around on tables? This must be the Limited Reserve batch. Might as well try a pair if they're so goddamn important.

(puts on sunglasses)

Guess this murder was... for the birds YYYEEAAAHHHH wait, wrong box.

(puts on different sunglasses)

Holy shit, everything's black and white! And there's secret messages on everything! Right then, time to go make the prop department earn their fucking paycheck.

EXT. DOWNTOWN

RODDY wanders about reading all the SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES printed on everything.

RODDY PIPER

Damn, that sign just says OBEY in huge letters!

(looks around)

And that ad with a sexy babe in a bikini says MARRY AND REPRODUCE which yeah, sex sells, that's not a secret really.

(looks around)

And that Closing Sale sign says CONSUME well, duh... okay so far this isn't exactly mind-blowing, more like MADison Avenue 101 here.

RODDY heads over to a newsstand where all the magazines are REALLY simplistic mind-wiping tools of sedating the public!

RODDY PIPER

USA Today looks the same though, go figure.

(thinks)

How does this work? Are the magazines printed twice, once with the giant bold commands and then the facade over top? Does that require advanced alien ink? Or does the evil signal broadcast all the articles, ads, etc, into our brains? Which would need a MASSIVE database of everything ever published...

BUSINESS SUIT GUY

Hurry up pal!

RODDY PIPER

Holy fuck you're an alien! I can see your alien face... under your wig? Why are you wearing a wig, you can project an illusion of a human face and head, but not hair?

BUSINESS SUIT GUY

May as well ask how I'm making full English words with my zero lips.

Bewildered, RODDY ducks into a grocery store and sees all the goods are actually LOBLAWS NO-NAME PRODUCTS, HOLY SHIT (that one's for our Canadian readers, eh)!!

RODDY PIPER

The fuck is this?! Is Loblaws president Dave Nichol the head alien?!? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON

Some ALIENS talk into their DICK TRACY TWO-WAY WRIST RADIOS and summon ALIEN COPS! RODDY beats them up good, takes their SHOTGUN and runs into a nearby BANK which is, natch, full of ALIENS!

RODDY PIPER

I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass... and I'm all out of bubblegum.

(tell me you didn't need an "actual line" prompt for that one, right?)

ALIEN TELLER

Who goes to a fucking bank to chew bubblegum?!?

ALIEN PENN

Well I came here to slice watermelon and push the silent alarm, and I'm all out of watermelon, so there!

RODDY PIPER

FUCK YOU ALL, IT'S MY BEST LINE OKAY

(opens fire!)

RODDY murders TONS OF ALIENS without ANY kind of DUE PROCESS or SECOND THOUGHTS because he's the HERO AW YEAHHH! Finally more COPS show up along with some ALIEN DRONES, so RODDY escapes out the back to a nearby parking garage, and takes MEG FOSTER hostage, choosing his target utterly at random.

MEG FOSTER

Would sure be strange if I turned out to be hugely critical to the plot!

RODDY PIPER

Ha ha, sure would! Now drive.

INT. MEG FOSTER'S PLACE

Back at MEG'S SWANKY 1980s PAD, RODDY tries to convince her of the alien menace.

MEG FOSTER

Well that's ridiculous. You're saying aliens are beaming some kind of signal into our brains to make us see and hear what they want. As the head of the local TV station and its giant signal-beaming machines, I have to ask, how would they even DO that?

RODDY PIPER

You gotta believe me! Here, put these on and I'll turn on the TV...

However the split-second RODDY'S back is turned, MEG fucking CLOCKS HIM GOOD with a FUCKING WINE BOTTLE and then SHOVES HIM RIGHT OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW.

MEG FOSTER

You may be Rowdy, but I'm goddamn Evil-Lyn, bitch.

ROWDY falls a few stories down in a bloody heap, picks himself up, and shuffles off with only his THEME MUSIC for solace.

OCTAVES

(tend to Roddy's wounds)

MINOR THIRDS

(make hot soup)

INT. ALLEYWAY

Having lost his SUNGLASSES, RODDY returns to get another pair from his STASH. KEITH DAVID is there!

KEITH DAVID

The news is saying you're a crazed spree killer, Public Enemy #1. Here's your week's pay, good luck spending it.

RODDY quickly checks KEITH is HUMAN and then holds out a pair of sunglasses.

RODDY PIPER

Put these on please.

KEITH DAVID

Okay. That's like the simplest request possible, even if you are a murdering psycho it's probably safer to just humour you...

(puts on sunglasses)

WHAT THE-

EXT. YES THAT'S HOW IT MIGHT HAVE GONE, IF JOHN CARPENTER HADN'T DECIDED INSTEAD TO MAKE ONE OF THE GREATEST SCENES IN THE ENTIRE HISTORY OF MOTION PICTURES. NOW LET'S SEE HOW IT ACTUALLY PLAYED OUT

RODDY PIPER

Put these on please.

KEITH DAVID

Okay. Or how about instead, I put on a pair of GO FUCK YOURSELF

(punches Roddy)

RODDY PIPER

Dammit Keith PUT ON THE SUNGLASSES

(body-slams Keith)

KEITH DAVID

NO WAY MAN, TWO DUDES HUNTING ALIENS IN SUNGLASSES, THAT'S WAY TOO MEN IN BLACK

(piledrives Roddy)

RODDY PIPER

MEN IN BLACK DOESN'T EVEN FUCKING EXIST YET

(half-Nelsons Keith)

KEITH DAVID

I KNOW ASSHOLE, WE CAN'T STEAL THEIR THUNDER BEFORE THEY EVEN GET A CHANCE, COME ON

(Superman-punches Roddy)

RODDY PIPER

DID YOU EVER WATCH THE SEQUELS, WE MIGHT BE DOING THEM A FAVOUR IF WE WIPE OUT THE ENTIRE FRANCHISE RIGHT HERE AND NOW

(Batista-bombs Keith)

RODDY and KEITH continue to fight for a total of... let me just check the timer HOLY SHIT FIVE WHOLE MINUTES AND THIRTY-NINE MOTHER-FUCKING SECONDS, which, GOD DAMN. I have a recipe for BROWN BUTTER CHICKEN that takes less time than that. Anyway, at the end KEITH finally puts on the SUNGLASSES and RODDY keeps his INTERCONTINENTAL BELT, and they sign some AUTOGRAPHS while the TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH gets ready.

RODDY PIPER

(actual line)

Life's a bitch, and she's back in heat.

KEITH DAVID

(blinks)

Uh, sure, whatever. Let's go.

INT. HOTEL

At the main desk, KEITH checks in while RODDY keeps busy by being CONSPICUOUS AS ALL FUCKING HELL but why should that matter he's only WANTED FOR MASS MURDER AND PLASTERED ALL OVER EVERY NEWS REPORT. However they get to their ROOM safely.

RODDY PIPER

(actual line)

Ain't love grand?

KEITH DAVID

Why the fuck would you even say that? Look, the bubblegum line was fun, but maybe you should quit while you're still mostly ahead.

RODDY PIPER

(actual line)

I ain't Daddy's little boy anymore.

KEITH DAVID

Okay please just stop.

KEITH goes to buy GROCERIES including FRENCH BREAD, AS MANDATED BY MOVIE LAW TO BE PART OF EVERY GROCERY RUN EVER, OTHERWISE HOW WOULD YOU KNOW IT'S A BAG OF GROCERIES, when he is spotted by PETER JASON! They go back to the HOTEL.

KEITH DAVID

Wow that was a stroke of fucking luck to run into you utterly out of the fucking blue. What's up?

PETER JASON

There's a La Resistance meeting tonight. Here's the address and a gun. The guys out front have strict instructions to only admit any random assholes with sunglasses and a gun, so you'll be golden.

INT. LA RESISTANCE MEETING, THAT NIGHT

RODDY and KEITH get into the meeting.

PETER JASON

Check it out, we've upgraded to contact lenses! This will make life easier for the continuity people from here on out, plus the audience will see your eyes which is nice. It IS trickier to force people to try them on in an alleyway, but I reckon we're past that phase.

GUY ON TELEVISION

Listen to me! The aliens are CHANGING our CLIMATE to match their homeworld, and make it uninhabitable to humans! What kind of crazy sci-fi dimension are we living in that nobody cares about this?!? At least we still have forty years or so before it'll start getting really drastic...

LA RESISTANCE GUY

Welcome Roddy and Keith, can I interest you in an alien watch? It's also got radio and teleportation abilities, plus solid steel casing and timeless style. I got these wholesale, I can cut you a great deal.

KEITH DAVID

Yeah, hook us up. Oh cool, they've got a pile-of-guns table! Don't mind if I do!

(grabs tons of guns)

RODDY PIPER

This supply drop checkpoint really has it all, huh?

(stuffing pants with guns)

Hey look, Meg Foster's here! She must have tried those sunglasses I left at her place.

MEG FOSTER

Yep, that's it all right! I'm La Resistance all the way! Um, nobody notice I arrive pretty much the same time as the GIANT EXPLOSION HAPPENING RIGHT NOWWWWW

It's the ALIEN COPS!!! They BLOW THROUGH THE WALL and start MURDERING all the LA RESISTANCE people, including PETER JASON and LA RESISTANCE GUY and MARIUS and GAVROCHE and KYLE and STAN and POE DAMERON and KUATO and MIKE DONOVAN and DU QUOIS and DEJA VU!! RODDY and KEITH escape into an ALLEYWAY but are cornered with only their HANDGUNS left!

KEITH DAVID

Look, the alien watch malfunctioned and immediately opened a portal in the street next to us! We can escape directly to their HQ!

RODDY PIPER

I wonder what happens if a watch breaks while swimming in the ocean, would their HQ be immediately flooded? Or if you're on a crowded subway would random humans start dropping into...

KEITH DAVID

C'mon already!!

(jumps)

INT. ALIEN HEADQUARTERS

KEITH and RODDY find themselves in a looooong corridor inside ALIEN HQ! They sneak about and come across a BIG FANCY BANQUET HALL full of expensively dressed human collaborators who have SOLD OUT to the aliens.

RODDY PIPER

Ah okay, this is the perfect place to abandon cover and just walk about unnoticed.

Just then GEORGE "BUCK" FLOWER approaches them but now all CLEANED UP and in a TUXEDO. And if you watched this movie three times or so back in the 1980s without realizing this was the same character from the SHANTY TOWN, well, you're not alone.

GEORGE "BUCK" FLOWER

Boys! Hey there, boys! Glad to see you could join us, boys! Welcome to the good life!

KEITH DAVID

What the fuck, YOU'VE sold out? Seriously?!? What the fuck could you possibly offer the aliens TO sell out? You had literally nothing to offer them!

RODDY PIPER

Shit, does this mean every single human on Earth could just decide to "sell out" and we'd ALL be rich and pampered? This alien invasion is starting to look not so bad...

GEORGE "BUCK" FLOWER

That's the spirit, boys! C'mon, let me show you absolutely everything in this alien HQ since there's no security protocols anywhere. Over here, boys, that's the interstellar transport room! It uses a gravitational lens or some shit, I forgot to take notes during the orientation where random low-level new recruits were told the complete details of this operation, boys.

ALIENS are indeed teleporting away wearing their EARTH BUSINESS SUITS because despite their technological advances, they have not yet discovered the rule of dressing for your DESTINATION.

GEORGE "BUCK" FLOWER

Now boys, let's parade into the signal generating room! This is the source of the alien-concealing signal WORLDWIDE, that's right boys, WORLD-FUCKING-WIDE. Can I hand the ending to you on ANY MORE of a silver goddamn platter.

GUARD

Okay I know we have this "laissez-faire" approach to guarding our most valuable assets, but MAAYYYBE it's time one of you showed a pass card or, like, ANYTHING.

RODDY PIPER

Here's our goddamn pass!

(shoots guard)

GUARD

At least now you're making some kind of effort.

(dies)

RODDY and KEITH shoot a whole bunch of guards!

GEORGE "BUCK" FLOWER

Well boys, that's not very hospitable. See you in the sequel, boys!

(sets teleporter, pauses)

That'll happen before 2004, right?

(ah, nope. Sorry about that)

Ah don't worry about it, boys. I've enjoyed looking good in a role for once.

(winks and teleports away, boys)

RODDY and KEITH continue murdering their way through the entire studio!

RODDY PIPER

We gotta find Meg! She needs to know this whole operation she's in charge of is actually alien central!

(grabs employee)

Have you seen Meg? Who runs everything, oversees all parts of this station? That Meg?

MEG FOSTER

Yes yes, over here. So I guess you've figured out-

RODDY PIPER

Quick, this way!!

(grabs Meg)

(runs)

I gotta get to the roof! Keith, guard the staircase and protect Meg!

KEITH DAVID

Indeed, I shall defend her!

MEG FOSTER

Sheesh, I guess the Helpless Supporting Girl trope was pretty entrenched back in these days, you guys really struggle to imagine I have any agency in all this. Again, how will 2019 possibly relate?

(kills Keith)

EXT. ROOFTOP

RODDY prepares to destroy the SIGNAL ANTENNA but is confronted by an EVIL HELICOPTER, and also MEG!

MEG FOSTER

It's not too late. You can still sell out, get your own tuxedo. As you've seen, we'll trust just about anybody with all our secrets. Now drop the gun!

RODDY PIPER

Very well, I will... drop my gun.

(drops gun)

But surprise, I have a second, smaller gun! Ha ha!

(shoots Meg)

(shoots transmitter)

Could have done that with my first, larger gun I suppose.

The TRANSMITTER goes KABLOOEY!!! Their scheme thwarted, the HELICOPTER ALIENS decide to be good sports about the whole thing LOL NO THEY DON'T, THEY SHOOT THE FUCK OUT OF RODDY

RODDY PIPER

(lying in pool of blood)

Well shit.

(flips the bird)

(pins the bird)

(bird taps out)

(Roddy dies)

We see a MONTAGE of ALIENS all over the city who are now EXPOSED! Everyone starts FREAKING THE FUCK OUT! We cut to a BEDROOM where a WOMAN suddenly realizes she is fucking an ALIEN!

ALIEN

Nothing like wrapping things up with some zany sexual trauma! HEY-OHHHH IT'S THE EIGHTIES

(mugs to camera)

WOMAN

Laugh it up, fucknuts, but you assholes are DONE FOR now!

ALIEN

You sure? We still run everything, control the cops, have tons of drones, and of course our advanced tech. We can just switch to brutal overt repression instead.

WOMAN

Oh yeah. Thanks a heap, Roddy.

END