AUTHOR NOTE: Many thanks to my Imperial Queen Wife for graciously contributing all the best jokes to this script. (tentacle removed from throat) (thrown across room)

FADE IN:

EXT. OUTER SPACE

Deep in the vastness of space, we find an ALIEN HARVESTER QUEEN watching an old crappy beat-up VHS copy of the original INDEPENDENCE DAY.

ALIEN QUEEN

(singing)

We'll be back,

Soon you'll see,

You’ll recall

your ass belongs to me;

We’ll be back,

Time will tell

Hey, the first film

was received quite well;

Stuff got zapped,

Stuff went boom!

Audience cheering

Echoed through the room;

And when sequels must come,

We will send a giant fucking spaceship

To remind you how it's done!

Da da da dat da,

Dat da RAAAAARRGHHHH

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL ROOM

BILL PULLMAN wakes up with a start, having received a vision!

BILL PULLMAN

(looking in mirror)

Oh crap, I've turned into Crazy Beard Trivago Guy. It doesn't matter, the aliens are returning! Must warn humanity!

(waits)

INT. THE WHITE HOUSE

COMPANY

(in unison)

WASH-ington... the year TWEN-ty six-TEEN...

PRESIDENT SELA WARD and her aide MAIKA MONROE welcome Army fighter pilot JESSIE T. USHER.

SELA WARD

Welcome Jessie, and congratulations on being chosen to lead the Legacy Squadron during our big anniversary celebration of defeating the aliens! I'm only sorry that your father Will Smith couldn't see this, since he ran screaming from scifi thanks to After Earth died tragically in a test crash.

JESSIE T. USHER

Thank you Madame President, and hello Maika, who is Liam Hemsworth's fiance, and also Bill Pullman's daughter. The actual dialogue is not much more subtle than this.

SELA WARD

As we all know, the last twenty years have been super awesome, using alien tech to build all kinds of cool shit, and all world governments cooperating under the Ozymandias Accords. Of course, we've also spent that time being ever vigilant and watchful, in case the aliens have a... RESURGENCE.

(shrugs)

All the good subtitles were already taken.

MAIKA MONROE

Given the aliens' capacity for sudden citywide destruction, I assume we've prepared for that? Dug massive underground bunkers people can directly flee into, if another armada shows up?

JESSIE T. USHER

Or, y'know, just spread the population out more?

SELA WARD

Of course! Otherwise we'd have densely-packed crowds of people trying to "evacuate" to nowhere in particular with no real hope of surviving! Ha ha ha ha! Don't be silly!

EXT. THE MOON

LIAM HEMSWORTH and TRAVIS TOPE are flying a MOON TUGBOAT on the MOON, helping build a MOON GUN for the MOON BASE.

NEWT GINGRICH

(orgasms)

TRAVIS TOPE

Gosh buddy, I sure love tuggin' it on the Moon alongside you.

(pause)

Wait, are we the gay couple? I heard there's a gay couple in this movie. Oh wait, we have dialogue about boning chicks, so maybe not. Anyway, back to work!

(smiles)

Yessir, this awesome Moon gun will provide excellent defence against any aliens that don't think of attacking the daytime side of Earth.

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON

(flying past in Ship of the Imagination)

Oh it's worse than that! With the Moon being anywhere from 225,000 to 250,000 miles away at any given time, you're actually only guarding half a degree of the possible attack angles to Earth. And that's in only one plane! You see-

TRAVIS TOPE

OH SHIT I PRESSED A WRONG BUTTON NOW THE WHOLE FUCKING GUN'S GONNA FALL ON TOP OF THE ENTIRE MOONBASE

LIAM HEMSWORTH

DON'T WORRY I GOT THIS

(straining with controls)

AAARRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

TRAVIS TOPE

Phew, you saved us! We really should have built the gun a bit further away from base, I mean, not like we don't have the room.

EXT. SOMEWHERE IN AFRICA

JEFF GOLDBLUM is on his way to a WARLORD TOWN along with SOME HUGELY FUCKING ANNOYING FUCKING DOUCHENOZZLE FUCKWIT whose only purpose is LAME-ASS JOKES and who otherwise contributes JACK SHIT so we're just going to TOTALLY FUCKING IGNORE HIM.

JEFF GOLDBLUM

(singing)

I play David Levinson,

I'm playing David Levinson,

And there's a million zippers on my clothes,

Just you look, just you look...

CHARLOTTE GAINSBOURG

And I'm here too! I'm an alien psychologist or something, plus a love interest for Jeff, unless that's a problem for his wife who he was obsessed with all last movie--

JEFF GOLDBLUM

No, she died tragically and her portrait hangs in the White House Huh? Who?

DEOBIA OPAREI

Greetings! I'm the new warlord, son of the old warlord. It's part of this whole next generation theme.

JEFF GOLDBLUM

You need to let me study the alien ship that landed here. It seems your Dad was just SO HARDASS that the combined clout of every other government on the planet couldn't budge him for the past twenty years.

DEOBIA OPAREI

Or you could just talk to me! I've spent my life learning alien language and killing alien soldiers and basically becoming the ultimate authority on both comprehending AND fighting aliens. If there's another attack, I'm probably the single most valuable person on Earth...

JEFF GOLDBLUM

(nodding)

Right, you're the machete guy, got it. So can I see the ship now?

INT. MOON BASE

LIAM and TRAVIS are having MOON PIES in the MOON CAFETERIA when JESSIE shows up.

TRAVIS TOPE

Pardon me, Mr. Usher, sir--

JESSIE T. USHER

(decks Liam)

Oh did I punch you? It was a blur, sir!

TRAVIS TOPE

Wow, clearly you guys have some tragic backstory where his recklessness got your best friend killed, or your brother, or something suitably epic...

JESSIE T. USHER

(spits on Liam)

Well this asshole clipped my plane and I had to eject, and I'm fine now, YOU FUCKING BASTARD!!

(storms off)

TRAVIS TOPE

Sorry Liam, I'd have backed you up but I was too busy openly lusting after the new pilot, named Angelababy. She's female, Chinese, her uncle is base commander, and that's all we ever learn about her. Rrrowwr!!

ANGELABABY

(is female)

INT. EARTH SPACE DEFENCE HEADQUARTERS

A MYSTERIOUS GIANT SPHERE has appeared by the MOONBASE so all the WORLD LEADERS are conferring to decide what AMERICA should do about it.

SELA WARD

Talk to me, people. Is this that Pokemon Go thing I keep hearing about?

JEFF GOLDBLUM

(on monitor)

No, Madame President, it's an alien ship. Except this one's round, the last ones were flat.

(thinks)

Maybe we should trust it. After all, humans are the only species in the Universe that can build different-looking vehicles.

SELENA WARD

Well it's the first act so we're guaranteed to be wrong; may as well shoot something. FIIREE!!!

The MOON GUN zaps the SPHERE which CRASHES! JEFF, still wary, somehow sends an UBER MESSAGE to LIAM to come pick him up from THE FUCKING MOON.

EXT. WASHINGTON - THE BIG GIANT ANNIVERSARY CELEBRATION

SELA WARD

(addressing crowd)

Welcome everyone to the launch party for the 20th Anniversary DVD re-release of the original movie! And over here is Robert Loggia, who's in such visibly poor health you have to wonder if we're being total assholes for dragging him onstage!

ROBERT LOGGIA

(gravely)

Oh, my God.

BILL PULLMAN

(staggering to podium)

Wait! Listen to me! The aliens are returning, they're gonna blow us all away! We have to prepare--oh there they are now, hope everyone appreciated the extra five seconds' notice.

Sure enough, a REEEEALLLLLLY BIIIIIIIGGG SPACESHIIIIP appears close to Earth!!! SELA and BILL are rushed into BUNKERS faster than a Feherty putt on the sixth hole at Riviera OHHH SNAAAAAAAPPP NBC GOLF CHANNEL BURRRRNNNNNN

INT. AREA 51 COMMAND BUNKER

BILL PULLMAN

We need to call in everyone with experience fighting these aliens! Get me Adam Baldwin! I'll use Twitter to see where he's at now... er, on second thought, get me anybody else.

WILLIAM FICHTNER

(appearing)

Glad to be of service, sir. Here's the situation. This new ship's the size of the Atlantic Ocean and we didn't spot it because it took out our Saturn base. And we didn't notice losing communication with our Saturn base. And all our satellites and telescopes were pointed the other way.

BILL PULLMAN

My God, a ship that size could ruin us. Okay, so we're doin' this!

WILLIAM FICHTNER

Yes sir!

(gets on phone)

(actual line)

Hey honey, I need you to pack up and go to your sister's house, okay?

WILLIAM'S WIFE

(on phone)

Oh really? I hope that's our personal code for "get to the ultra-secure underground bomb shelter" because I don't see how being in one house over another does much good against Atlantic-Ocean-sized threats.

WILLIAM FICHTNER

It's okay, we still have our ring of orbital satellite guns...

(addressing room)

Hey, did anyone remember to activate the satellite guns, and begin the ten-minute countdown before they can fire? No? Well how long until the aliens take them out AW FUCKITY SHIT

EXT. THE MOON

The MOON TUGBOAT with JEFF, LIAM, TRAVIS, CHARLOTTE, and DEOBIA reaches the BLOWN-TO-SHIT SPHERE and finds a SMALLER NON-BLOWN-TO-SHIT SPHERE! They grab it just as the ALIEN SHIP frags the MOON BASE, and then sucks the TUGBOAT towards it!

JEFF GOLDBLUM

(actual line)

It's got its own gravity!

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON

(flying past)

Yes obviously, since everything has its own gravity. It's not noticeable unless something is super massive, but really, as a character who's supposed to be scientifically literate-

JEFF GOLDBLUM

OKAY OKAY thanks very much Mister Movie Dad, sheesh.

The ALIEN SHIP approaches EARTH, sucks up SINGAPORE, the WORLD TURNS UPSIDE DOWN, and then it DUMPS EVERYTHING on LONDON since not enough shit has happened to ENGLAND recently.

LIAM HEMSWORTH

DON'T WORRY I GOT THIS

(straining with controls)

AAARRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

They LIVE! Meanwhile JESSIE and the LEGACY SQUADRON receive orders to head back to base.

JESSIE T. USHER

Screw that! I'm gonna disregard a direct order to go take care of personal business, which is a thing top-ranking soldiers can do without reprimand or consequence, right?

JESSIE flies over to the HOSPITAL where his Mom VIVICA A. FOX, having become a SUCCESSFUL DOCTOR since last movie, is rewarded by getting to save ONE WOMAN AND HER BABY before ignominiously PLUNGING TO HER DEATH!!

VIVICA A. FOX

DAMMIT IF ONLY I'D STUDIED TO BECOME AN ADORABBLEE PUPPYYYYYYYYYY

INT. BACK AT AREA 51

Hey, remember how maybe BRENT SPINER died last time? Well it turns out that he was available and easily affordable only in a coma!

BRENT SPINER

(singing)

So what’d I miss?

What’d I miss?

ID4, my biggest hit,

I wanna give you a kiss!

I’ve done Warehouse 13

And my career has faded;

I guess I'm basic’lly

Living off Data;

I dropped out of the sci-fi scene

And came back... to this?

BILL PULLMAN

That reminds me! The aliens love spilling information when they use humans as tentacle sock puppets. I'm gonna lock myself up with one!

WILLIAM FICHTNER

That might put you in a 20-year coma though. Shouldn't we get some goober private to "volunteer" to do this?

BILL PULLMAN

But I wanna be in the room where it happens!!

(tentacled)

URK!! SHE... WILL KILL YOU ALL...

(thrown aside)

The ALIEN attacks but DEOBIA KILLS it... from BEHIND!

DEOBIA OPAREI

Yes, this is my big secret: aliens are vulnerable to attacks from behind. After years of combat I discovered this unheard-of strategy 100% unique to fighting aliens, which I now share with you. You're welcome.

BILL PULLMAN

(recovering)

And now that we know which pronoun to use for their leader, we have them at our mercy! We should attack and blow up the Queen!

JEFF GOLDBLUM

I agree! By current blockbuster logic, killing the leader will make every other alien flop over and die. Plus the ship will take off and leave, the way vehicles do when their driver is dead.

EXT. ENORMOUS ALIEN SHIP

The HUMANS throw lots of FIGHTER PLANES and BOMBERS at the ship, and are attacked by ALIEN FIGHTERS! Roughly TEN ZILLION LASER BLASTS fire in every direction, surrounding our heroes!

LIAM HEMSWORTH

DON'T WORRY I GOT THIS

(straining with controls)

AAARRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

OTHER FIGHTER PILOTS

(getting perforated to fuck)

It must be nice,

It must be niiice...

To have plot armour on your side...

(explode)

JESSIE T. USHER

Hey, that opening is utterly unguarded! Legacy Squadron, follow me!

(flies into ship)

Now this is obviously a trap, so let's fly super slowly to give them plenty of time to spring it.

TRAVIS TOPE

(actual line)

It's got its own ecosystem!

JESSIE T. USHER

My God you're right, look at those detritivores! The biogeochemical cycling readings are off the charts! I've never seen such incredible mass balance!

TRAVIS TOPE

Okay dude, I just meant I saw plants and shit down there. No need to bust my balls.

Just then the aliens EMP the planes and use SPACE BEYBLADES to neutralize their bombers! Defeated, the fighters PLUMMET and CRASH, having been summarily ERASED FROM THE NARRATIVE.

INT. BACK AT AREA 51

WILLIAM FICHTNER

So, our attack failed miserably. Also the aliens found Sela Ward's bunker and killed her. We'd have given that a moment to resonate but we had to immediately cut away to Brent doing wacky laser shit.

BILL PULLMAN

Morale is low. I'll give an inspirational speech to a handful of random ground crew in the otherwise empty hangar, that should be enough.

BRENT SPINER

(rushing in)

GUYS GUYS GUYS I opened the smaller sphere and found a giant Kinder Surprise, full of exposition and unprompted worldbuilding! It comes with a SIRI interface and secrets on super-advanced tech, so the Queen wants to find and destroy it.

JEFF GOLDBLUM

All right, it's time for that dramatic moment where we figure out our third-act strategy. But we can't just have good ideas, it HAS to come from something already in the plot... Wait, that's it!

(actual line)

We can bait her... like she baited us!

WILLIAM FICHTNER

Hmm, yes, this alien concept of "baiting" might just work. Good thinking, Jeff!

MAIKA MONROE

So, we'll use a fake signal to lure the Queen. And to maintain tradition, someone will have to blow themselves up in their plane to take her down. As a fully trained fighter pilot in peak condition, I volunteer.

BILL PULLMAN

It should be me! Yes, I've spent the last 20 years with my brain scrambled, being a faint husk of my former self. And yes, I'm physically and mentally incapable of handling this mission. But on the other hand...

(dramatically)

...I HAVE SHAVED OFF MY BEARD.

WILLIAM FICHTNER

Can't argue with that. Off you go!

EXT. OCEAN

Also yeah, there's some stuff with a wacky French salvage boat and the aliens drilling to the Earth's core and shit, don't worry about it.

EXT. WIDE OPEN SALT FLATS OUTSIDE AREA 51

The DECOY SQUAD heads out! Out on the flats, JEFF prepares the TRAP when who should turn up but HIS ANNOYING STEREOTYPE DAD JUDD HIRSCH who should by all rights be TOTES FUCKING DEAD but instead has joined forces with A SCHOOLBUS FULL OF ANNOYING FUCKING KIDS and their ADORABLE FUCKING PUPPY just to propel the whole accursed subplot firmly over the edge into UTTER SCHLOCKVILLE.

JEFF GOLDBLUM

(fussing with controls)

Go away. Baitin'.

JUDD HIRSCH

Look son, nothing in this whole movie has yet approached the sheer B-movie giddiness of the first one. But a giant alien queen chasing a schoolbus MIGHT just do it, so this is happening, okay?

BILL PULLMAN

(flying bomber)

Arrrgh, a brainwave from the Queen! She's in my head! This will surely alert her to the plan and incapacitate me oh wait it has done neither of those things. Well, kaboom time!

(explodes)

BILL destroys the QUEEN'S PERSONAL SAUCER SHIP but the QUEEN is still alive!

FIGHTER PILOT #4

Argh, she has her own shield, and a BFG BFG! We're helpless, she'll never be satisfied!

(destroyed)

MAIKA MONROE

(in fighter plane)

I'm not disengaging! Women characters achieved basically fuck all in the first movie, and so far barely anything in this movie, I am NOT GIVING AWAY MY SHOT!!

(shoots alien queen a bunch)

Hey, her shield ran out! Now I can shoot her giant gun thing!

(pause)

Or I could shoot her in the head, which would also prevent her from using her gun. Or anything else. And we'd win right now. But I guess I should let Liam and Jessie help.

(shoots gun)

INT. AREA 51

ALIENS bust in and find the REAL SPHERE! In the ensuing firefight BRENT'S life partner dude is fatally wounded!

BRENT SPINER

Oh no, not my... boyfriend? Husband? At least we know who the gay couple is now.

BRENT'S PARTNER

Before I die, maybe we should kiss, say we love each other...?

BRENT SPINER

No, let's keep the "lifelong close friends" interpretation just barely open, for those people out there who EVEN NOW aren't QUITE ready for this.

The QUEEN grabs the SPHERE, RUH-ROH! Luckily, who should fly in but TRAVIS, ANGELABABY, LIAM & JESSIE, who are STILL ALIVE because LIAM took a WHIZ on an ALIEN GUARD TOWER!!

TRAVIS TOPE

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY ASSHOLES! And thanks for not attacking on April 28 since "Happy Take Our Daughters and Sons To Work Day, Motherfuckers", while kind of appropriate given the whole generational theme, doesn't have nearly the same ring to it!!

ANGELABABY

(is Chinese)

JESSIE T. USHER

Awright, do it Liam!

LIAM HEMSWORTH

DON'T WORRRRY I GOTTTT THIIIIIIS

(straining with controls)

AAARRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

They SHOOT the QUEEN some more, FROM BEHIND mind you, and she finally DIES!! Everyone REUNITES as the aliens collapse and the ship flies away as promised.

DEOBIA OPAREI

(high-fiving Liam and Charlotte)

Immigrants! We get the job done.

JEFF GOLDBLUM

(actual line)

I'm not sure we can survive another attack.

MAIKA MONROE

Are you sure we survived THIS one? A chunk of Asia got pulled up and dumped onto Europe, that's GOTTA have major consequences. Plus having that ocean-sized spaceship latched onto the planet probably threw off our orbit, someone check with Neil Degra-

BRENT SPINER

GUYS GUYS GUYS OMG WE GET TO LEAD THE INTERSTELLAR RESISTANCE IT'S FRANCHISE CITY BABY NO TIME TO EXPLAIN OKAY MOVIE OVER NOW BYE

END

EXT. EPILOGUE

COMPANY

Now our time is up,

Have we done enough?

Did you buy this story?

We can't wait to do this again-

It's only a matter of the bottom line;

Sequel? (bottom line!)

Franchise? (bottom line!)

Will you buy our stooooory?....

(long pause)

END