FADE IN:

A NEWS MONTAGE explains how a vast alien force with the ability to rewind time has decided to waste the advantage of surprise attacking the middle of WESTERN EUROPE instead of taking out AMERICA or RUSSIA or CHINA or the vast secret bioweapons stockpile of CANADA whoops nobody was supposed to know about that.

EXT. EUROPE

Smiling jackass MAJOR TOM CRUISE appears on every TV program everywhere in the world.

TOM CRUISE

(to camera)

Hello. I'm here to announce the big all-or-nothing military offensive we're launching tomorrow; so later, let's not have anybody say BUT HOW DID THEY KNOW, okay?

NEWS ANCHOR

We know these aliens have an uncanny ability to predict our moves. So they can tune into our thoughts, but not our TVs, is your rationale here. How do you even know you can defeat them?

TOM CRUISE

It's because of our awesome battlemech suits, you see. Emily Blunt got into one with no training and killed 200 aliens!! All thanks to the suit!

(pause)

Of course, the military knows that's bullshit and you can't just stick somebody in a suit and expect them to be Master Chief. But, we are also relentlessly unconcerned with what the real reason is.

INT. BRENDAN GLEESON'S OFFICE

BRENDAN GLEESON

Tom, we need you to help cover the invasion on live TV as part of the non-stop media blitz PR campaign for our top-secret sneak attack. So you'll be on the front lines.

TOM CRUISE

But Brendan, I'm just a charismatic mouthpiece, a charming face to gloss over any unpleasant realities of GODDAMNIT, REALLY?!? EVERY GODDAMN TIME WITH THE SCIENTOLOGY JOKES well at least we got it over with early.

TOM tries BLACKMAIL and RUNNING AWAY and when those plans fail miserably, tries GETTING BASHED IN THE FACE.

TOM CRUISE

I do not improvise plans very well.

(passes out)

EXT. ARMY BASE

TOM wakes up in a lowly PRIVATE'S UNIFORM.

ARMY GUY

ON YOUR FEET, MAGGOT!! This is my only line in the movie but it gets repeated 254 times, so yay me!

TOM CRUISE

Excuse me, Sergeant Bill Paxton! There's been some kind of mistake. I don't play cowardly useless spineless scumbags. I play steel-jawed heroes, rock-n-roll rebels, guys trained to be ghosts, that kind of thing...

BILL PAXTON

One second, son, I'm busy updating my Facebook status to "Woo-hoo, can't wait for tomorrow's top-secret full-scale all-our-eggs-in-one-basket assault! Go Operation Downfall!!"

TOM CRUISE

Operation Downfall? Did whoever named this mission skip the class about ironic titles?

BILL PAXTON

To be fair, Operation Fuck Our Own Face was already taken.

As BILL leads TOM to the barracks, we see GIANT POSTERS OF EMILY BLUNT everywhere with the slogan "FULL METAL BITCH" on them, since the military has apparently decided to DOUBLE-DOUBLE-DOWN on the insta-super-soldier phenomenon they do not at all understand.

BILL PAXTON

You're in J-Squad now, son! Allow me to introduce your new comrades, on whom your survival depends. Only their trust and guidance will get you through this.

(clears throat)

Attention squad! This new guy is fucking scum and you should hate his fucking guts.

J SQUAD

Fuck you Tom! We hate you! Although we should mention, each and every one of us is only hours away from spilling our innermost secrets, if you say JUST the right things.

EXT. BEACH OF DEATH - THE NEXT DAY

The ATTACK begins! Things immediately GO TO SHIT in a very STARSHIP TROOPERS fashion! SHIPS are shot down and the crazy HYPERSQUID ALIENS start fragging everybody!!

SOLDIER

BUT HOW DID THEY KNOW WE WERE COMIIIIING

(dies)

In the melee, TOM spots EMILY BLUNT in her mech-armour covered in weapons and guns. She is also carrying a KICKASS SWORD because no matter HOW far in the future you are, there's no substitute for being BADASS.

TOM CRUISE

I'll help!

(is totally incompetent fucknut)

Luckily TOM'S SLAPSTICK USELESSNESS keeps him alive longer than most of the experienced soldiers, long enough to come face-to-face with EMILY!

EMILY BLUNT

Well met, rookie. Hey, check out my awesome hero pose against this frantic battlefield.

(is shot dead)

An EVEN SCARIER HYPERSQUID charges TOM and all seems lost, but LUCKILY, there's a weapon nearby! UNLUCKILY, it is a BOMB that FRAGS THEM BOTH. ALIEN BLOOD leaks all over TOM and...

EXT. ARMY BASE

TOM wakes up back at the BASE.

ARMY GUY

ON YOUR FEET, MAGGOT!! This is my only line in the movie but it gets repeated 254 times, so yay me!

TOM CRUISE

Holy shit, I've gone back in time, precisely one day! Hm, I wonder why the alien's time-travel power is synched to our Earth days? Or does the power automatically adjust to the rotational speed of the planet it's on, which, huh?

TOM relives the BATTLE and improves his score from GETTING EMILY KILLED to GETTING HIMSELF KILLED, causing another RESET. He continues to live GROUNDHOG D-DAY over and over until he's finally competent enough to get three words in edgewise with EMILY.

EMILY BLUNT

Hm, you must be time-travelling, like I was. Next cycle, come find me during sexy push-up time.

(is blown up)

EXT. ARMY BASE - NEXT RESET

TOM CRUISE

Gotta sneak away from my squad and find Emily! I'll just duck over here-

(run over by tank)

EXT. ARMY BASE - NEXT RESET

TOM CRUISE

Alright, avoided the tank. Now I can-

(flattened by stampeding elephants)

EXT. ARMY BASE - NEXT RESET

TOM CRUISE

THIS time-

(crushed by meteor)

INT. SEXY PUSHUP TRAINING FACILITY

TOM finds EMILY doing her SEXY PUSHUPS.

EMILY BLUNT

Who the fuck are you?

TOM CRUISE

Future-you sent me! I'm stuck in a time loop, which makes me a Looper, I guess.

EMILY BLUNT

No. Try again.

TOM CRUISE

Oh. When I die, I jump back in time... so I'm a Jumper?

EMILY BLUNT

Also taken.

TOM CRUISE

Hm. Well from my perspective this WAR could go on FOREVER, so maybe...

EMILY BLUNT

Sorry.

TOM CRUISE

Damn. How about the story this is based on? What's that called?

EMILY BLUNT

That would be "All You Need Is Kill", which apparently is TOO awesome a title to even merit consideration.

TOM CRUISE

Okay fine, we'll deal with this later. Right now you gotta help me!

EMILY takes TOM to see her convenient science buddy NOAH TAYLOR.

TOM CRUISE

Hey, what's this gizmo?

NOAH TAYLOR

That? Just a random object that will solve the movie later, but it's too soon for that now. It's exposition time! See, what you did was kill an Alpha alien. The rewind power is in their blood, and it passed to you. You're lucky, the Alphas are incredibly rare!

TOM CRUISE

Wait, so when Alphas are killed in battle the aliens lose their greatest power to their enemy. And Alphas are a tiny fraction of their fighting force. Why the fuck would they even send them?

EMILY BLUNT

There's no time to worry about that! We've got to train you to fight the aliens. Or rather, fight crude metal models of them programmed by a merry-go-round on quaaludes.

TOM begins his TRAINING which mostly involves him DYING a lot until suddenly he is AWESOME.

INT. NOAH'S SCIENCE ROOM

TOM CRUISE

Noah, after my last hilarious death I had a weird vision of a giant glowy thing.

NOAH TAYLOR

Ah yes, that would be "Omega", the alien hive-mind that controls everything, and if destroyed gives instant victory. My God, what did movies ever do before hive-minds, huh?

EMILY BLUNT

I had those visions too. Noah said it meant the aliens were tracking me down psychically, and they would soon reclaim their power. How long have we got?

NOAH TAYLOR

Well, when I said "soon", I meant we only had another 4,710 cycles left. So don't sweat it. Anyway it seems the only REAL way to lose the power is to have a blood transfusion, and it has nothing to do with whether the aliens find you or not. So it's just my little way of creating an element of suspense that never pays off and means nothing.

EXT. DEATH BEACH

TOM tries beating the DEATH BEACH level a bunch of times but FAILS.

EMILY BLUNT

Goddamn it Tom, will you just look up the fucking walkthrough already.

TOM CRUISE

It's no use!! We're fucked!! We'll never get off this beach no matter what I--

They LEAVE the beach.

TOM CRUISE

Huh.

INT. FARMHOUSE

TOM and EMILY manage to reach a FARM that has a HELICOPTER.

TOM CRUISE

I have this funny feeling we should wait here a bit. Call it a hunch. Oh hey, here's the coffee, let me make it just the way you like. And whoops, what's this in the box under a table under a dust sheet? Is it your favourite cookies? Have I mentioned never being here before.

EMILY BLUNT

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaait a minute. I suspect we've been here... before!

TOM CRUISE

(sighs)

Yes, a bunch. Each time we start the helicopter and immediately get killed by aliens. Every single time.

EMILY BLUNT

Well I think we should start the helicopter.

TOM CRUISE

Did you not hear me JUST SAY that we immediately die when you do that. Which is why I'm trying to think of a new plan?

EMILY BLUNT

Okay, I hear you. Let's start the helicopter!

TOM CRUISE

(facepalms)

EXT. ARMY BASE - NEXT RESET

TOM decides FUCK IT and completes the entire level ALONE, except his vision of Omega proves to be a TRAP! Luckily the trap works SO WELL that he DIES.

INT. SCIENCE ROOM

TOM CRUISE

That whole branch of plot turned out to be a dead end. Can we use the magical plotsolving meat tenderizer now?

NOAH TAYLOR

(checks watch)

Yeah... okay. But it's actually only half the device. Brendan Gleeson has the other half, because it never hurts to add more Brendan Gleeson to a movie.

TOM uses another few dozen lives so he and EMILY can reach BRENDAN and get the OTHER HALF of the device. TOM STABS himself with it, providing a PSYCHIC LINK to the aliens thus unlocking the FINAL CLUE!

TOM CRUISE

Okay, I have Omega's real location, it's in Paris! Kill me quick so we can start over!

EMILY BLUNT

I could, and on a previous attempt I totally did, but let's try outracing these armed guards anyway for no reason.

They get CAUGHT and TOM'S BLOOD gets transfused, OH NO!

TOM CRUISE

Damn, I've lost the reset power back to the aliens. They can wipe out anything we do now, so we're back to being totally fucked. But, let's pretend we're not!

INT. ARMY BASE

TOM and EMILY go to get J-SQUAD'S help.

J SQUAD GUY

(seeing Emily)

Ohmigod, it's the Full Metal B--

J SQUAD GAL

Stop right there soldier, we're going for the full PG on this one. Not even ONE swear. GOT IT?!?

TOM CRUISE

And to think we watched my face getting melted off by scalding blood earlier.

They steal a PLANE and fly to PARIS, but get SHOT DOWN!

J SQUAD GUY

That's it man! We're in some pretty shit now! Game over man! Game fucking over!!

(pause)

Well Paxton's back at base, and I thought SOMEONE should say it.

TOM CRUISE

We need to get to that pyramid thing at the Louvre! It's not going to be easy with alien hypersquids everywhere, and oh lookie, an enormous downed military bomber with its engines still working pointed directly at it and there's a clear pathway straight to it. Phew!

They PILE IN and ZOOM FORWARD! ALIENS attack and kill everyone but TOM and EMILY, who reach the PYRAMID!

EMILY BLUNT

Argh, I'm wounded. I'll distract the aliens with sexy pushups, while you go blow up Omega!

TOM CRUISE

Roger that!

TOM finds the alien hive-mind UNDERWATER and unclips a belt of GRENADES... but gets IMPALED BY AN ALPHA ALIEN!! As the GRENADES lazily float downwards, however, TOM reveals he has the PINS in his hand!

ALPHA

OH CRAP THAT'S NOT GOOD, BETTER RESET THE DAY

(pause)

YUP, THIS SURE WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO DO SOME DAY-RESETTING

(pause)

OKAY HERE WE GO, RESETTING THE DAY NOW

(pause)

FOR FUCK'S SAKE GUYS, LET'S HURRY THIS UP AND

(explodes)

TOM CRUISE

Urk, I did it, but am now doubly fatally wounded! I guess the reset power didn't go back into the alien's blood after all.

TOM is covered with OMEGA BLOOD which gives him the RESET POWER BACK.

TOM CRUISE

Wait, but--

EXT. BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE

TOM wakes up at an even EARLIER time, in his MAJOR UNIFORM! All the aliens are DEAD and everyone else is ALIVE again, even JAMES MARSDEN and FAMKE JANSSEN!!

TOM CRUISE

I killed the aliens retroactively?!? Not sure that makes any sense, but it does make for a speedier resolution, so let's go with it.

INT. ARMY BASE

TOM CRUISE

Hey Emily. You don't know me but I think I just became a godlike being with the power to reset time indefinitely, and I wanted to say thanks.

EMILY BLUNT

Interesting. How about you try going back in time and erasing "Oblivion" so that anyone at all comes to see this movie?

TOM CRUISE

What, really? I thought anything where I get killed a thousand times would easily gross a billion dollars on opening day. Was it the bland title? Did "The Day After Tomorrow" and "Tomorrow Never Dies" ruin the word "Tomorrow" for everybody?

SETH MACFARLANE

(poking head in frame)

I may also have fatally tainted the multiple-ways-of-dying premise. Sorry.

TOM CRUISE

DAMMIT MACFARLANE

TOM goes back in time and eradicates FAMILY GUY from existence, becoming the HERO OF FOREVER.

TOM CRUISE

Hey, that's a decent title. Is it too late to--

END