FADE IN:

INT. UNIVERSITY POOL

KAYA SCODELARIO is competing at a COLLEGE SWIM MEET.

KAYA SCODELARIO

Hey everybody, look how powerfully I can swim! This sure would be a convenient skill to have should I ever have to evade alligators or something, huh?

(winks)

That’s right, this is a monster movie where I use my school athletics training to protect my estranged father from a prehistoric predator. The working title was That One Bit from The Lost World: Jurassic Park, Except Turned Into a Whole Movie and Somehow Non-Terrible.

She receives a call from her SISTER.

SISTER

Kaya, have you heard from Dad? He hasn’t been answering the phone, so I don’t know if he safely evacuated before the hurricane that’s about to hit.

KAYA SCODELARIO

Wait, I thought this was a monster movie about alligators. You’re telling me it’s also a disaster movie about a hurricane? What kind of shitty SyFy Original premise is this?

SISTER

Actually this movie is set in Florida, where alligators plus hurricanes isn’t so much a monster movie or a disaster movie as a “regular Thursday afternoon” movie.

KAYA goes off in search of their dad.

INT. PATHETIC BACHELOR CRAPARTMENT

KAYA finds her dad’s apartment EMPTY except for his DOG.

KAYA SCODELARIO

Hmmm, where could he be? You know what, I bet he decided to choose the day of a serious hurricane warning to go do repairs at our old house. Ugh, that’s JUST like him.

(pause)

That’s seriously our entire justification for his decision. That it’s just... something he’d do. Which is weird, because when we meet him he doesn’t SEEM like an absolute colossal moron.

(shrugs)

Oh well, I guess the plot has to be forced to happen somehow. Come on, dog, I’m going to the alligator house and you’re coming with me!

DOG LOVERS IN AUDIENCE

WOAH, WOAH, HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.

(hurriedly checks doesthedogdie.com)

...Okay, phew. Proceed.

INT. ALLIGATOR HOUSE

KAYA and the DOG go to the house that KAYA GREW UP IN. After searching around for a bit, she finds her father BARRY PEPPER unconscious in the crawl space.

KAYA SCODELARIO

Oh my God, he’s badly injured! With these prominent toothmark-like injuries that I won’t draw any conclusions from! I guess I’m just assuming that he fell on a big sharp rake, then thoughtfully disposed of the rake before passing out.

She tries to drag BARRY over to the STAIRS, but then a massive ALLIGATOR burts right through the staircase!

ALLIGATOR

OW. JESUS. Okay, note to self, don’t smash any more solid timber structures with my face, that shit HURTS. Anyway:

(charges after Kaya)

KAYA hurriedly drags BARRY back to where she found him, while pursued by the ALLIGATOR! Just as the ALLIGATOR seems like it’s going to CATCH THEM, it is stopped by a SLIGHTLY-TOO-LOW PIPE.

ALLIGATOR

Aw, dang it! I might have demolished that staircase like it was made of tissue paper, but there’s nothing I can do about this ordinary household pipe that’s like one inch too low. You win this round, Scodelario!

It stomps off grumpily. Shortly afterwards, BARRY wakes up.

BARRY PEPPER

Kaya, what are you doing here? It’s not safe! This CRAWL space has an alligator CRAWLing around in it! Eh? See what we did there?

KAYA SCODELARIO

Yeah yeah, don’t think that slight cleverness makes up for our lame-ass movie title. We sound like a movie about killer millipedes.

BARRY PEPPER

True. Oh well, let’s get the plot rolling, start making progress towards escape and rescue.

KAYA SCODELARIO

Er, about that. Since we have no budget and almost the entire movie has to be set in this one dank space, our escape can’t really progress in any way until nearly the end of the movie.

BARRY PEPPER

Fuck. Guess we’re stuck with an endless succession of failed escape attempts for the time being.

KAYA SCODELARIO

That’ll have to do. Let’s start working our way through them.

INT. FAILED ESCAPE ATTEMPT #1 - LET’S CALL THE COPS!

KAYA SCODELARIO

So I dropped my phone out there while I was dragging you around. I’ll have to sneak out and get it, being careful not to get eaten while I do.

BARRY PEPPER

Why, though? We’re in a crawl space during a hurricane. Your phone’s reception is presumably at like negative eight bars.

KAYA SCODELARIO

Well I’m going for it anyway, we’ve got to fill the screentime somehow.

She sneaks out and locates her PHONE.

KAYA SCODELARIO

Sweet! Now to scurry back over to the safe area, and then I can make calls at my leisure!

(pause)

Or I could stay sitting out in Alligator Territory and try and call 911 right here like a total fucking idiot, DUR YES DURRR

She tries to make a call, keeping an eye on the ALLIGATOR over by the stairs. But then she is ambushed by - a SECOND ALLIGATOR that is RIGHT NEXT TO HER!

ALLIGATOR #2

SURPRISE! And I swear to Christ I will bite your fucking legs off if you make the obvious reference-

KAYA SCODELARIO

Clever girl!

ALLIGATOR #2

FUCK YOU

(chomps Kaya’s leg)

KAYA manages to FIGHT THE ALLIGATOR until it lets her go, then scurries under some more PIPES to safety.

BARRY PEPPER

Kaya! Where are you, are you okay?

KAYA SCODELARIO

Uh, I’m not sure... thanks to our dark cinematography and rapid-fire editing, we never get a really good sense of how big this space is or where anything is in relation to anything else.

BARRY PEPPER

I know, it makes the action scenes kind of confusing, but it does let us have the alligators pretty much pop up wherever and whenever we need them.

KAYA SCODELARIO

All right, my phone got smashed in that alligator fight, so I think we can say that that escape attempt successfully failed. On to the next one.

INT. FAILED ESCAPE ATTEMPT #2 - OKAY SO THE PHONE’S A NO GO, LET’S JUST CALL SOME RANDOM PASSERS-BY INSTEAD

BARRY PEPPER

Hey, look what I can see out the crawl space vents!

KAYA SCODELARIO

The vents? You mean these big old holes in the walls? The ones that could be widened enough for a human to crawl through, if we just chiseled out a couple of small bricks, say with the belt of tools that you brought down here with you?

BARRY PEPPER

Shh, stop noticing that distractingly obvious escape option and pay attention to my crappier, more impractical escape option! At the gas station across the street, there are looters! Let’s try and get their attention, I’m sure such upstanding citizens would jump at the chance to help us out, especially if it means trying to fit five people and a stolen ATM in their tiny speedboat.

KAYA SCODELARIO

So, hang on, they’ve come into an evacuated disaster area to do robberies? Don’t even bother with them, those idiots are gonna be dead before the audience even sorts out what their names are.

Sure enough, out at the GAS STATION the LOOTERS are swiftly devoured by TWO MORE ALLIGATORS.

BARRY PEPPER

Woah, okay, the number of alligators we’re dealing with seems to be increasing at a geometric rate. Just how many of these fuckers are there?

KAYA SCODELARIO

As many as we need for any given scene. Usually somewhere between one and eight.

BARRY PEPPER

Oh well, there goes another failed attempt. Third time’s the charm?

INT. FAILED ESCAPE ATTEMPT #3 - FUCK IT, LET’S GO STRAIGHT UP THROUGH THE FLOOR!!

BARRY PEPPER

There’s a convenient trap door to the floor above, for some reason. See if you can-

KAYA SCODELARIO

It’s stuck.

BARRY PEPPER

Oh. Well I guess it’ll probably come up again later on when-

KAYA SCODELARIO

No that was all we were doing with that.

BARRY PEPPER

Okay, just killing another two minutes of screen time, got it, moving on.

INT. FAILED ESCAPE ATTEMPT #4 - OH HEY, WE DIDN’T MANAGE TO CALL THE COPS BUT HERE THEY ARE ANYWAY, THAT’S HANDY

Suddenly police officer ROSS ANDERSON arrives upstairs.

ROSS ANDERSON

Hi Kaya! Remember me? Your sister’s ex-boyfriend who is now a cop? I had a little scene earlier where I was directing traffic?

KAYA SCODELARIO

Oh right, you must be the guy we brought in to make it seem like this movie has at least one character who isn’t played by someone from the Maze Runner movies.

ROSS ANDERSON

That’s me! Since you ignored my advice and came into town, I came to help you! Which, if you think about it, means anything bad that happens to me now is technically your fault.

KAYA SCODELARIO

Uh, I guess... but hey, at least you’re safely upstairs near the door to the crawl space. So unless these alligators can do a seven-foot vertical leap with their stubby little legs-

ALLIGATOR

(leap-chomping Ross)

I AM A NINJA!!

(rips Ross’s head off)

KAYA SCODELARIO

SHIT FUCK DAMN BASTARD CRAP.

BARRY PEPPER

...Attempt five?

KAYA SCODELARIO

(sighs)

Attempt five.

INT. FAILED ESCAPE ATTEMPT #5 - HOW DID IT TAKE US THIS LONG TO TRY “JUST LEAVING”

BARRY PEPPER

All right, this place is getting pretty full of water right now, so this’ll have to be our last attempt. I say you make for the doorway and climb out, while I distract the gators by banging on pipes. We’ve repeatedly noted that the gators only hear well underwater, but for some reason I’ll specifically bang the few pipes that AREN’T underwater.

He starts BANGING and KAYA tries to make it to the busted stairs. But there’s an ALLIGATOR in her way.

KAYA SCODELARIO

Damnit! Instead I’ll have to try and get out through the overflow pipe, which is where we think the alligators came from in the first place, DUN DUN DUNNNN!!!

(pause)

Although given that the gator density in our own house and back yard is so high that we can barely turn around without getting our head stuck in an alligator’s asshole, I don’t see why we’re acting like this is any more of a dangerous option.

She heads into the OVERFLOW PIPE, where she finds... ALLIGATOR EGGS!

KAYA SCODELARIO

Oh no, this is a nest! ...Which means that the alligators have been here for ages and have nothing to do with the hurricane and flooding? Well that just made this stupid premise a thousand percent stupider.

She also finds ROSS’S CORPSE. And on the CORPSE, she finds ROSS’S GUN!

KAYA SCODELARIO

AW YEAH A GUN! ...That’s been sitting in water for half an hour. Whatever, I’m sure it works fine! Finally we’ve got something that’ll give us an edge on those pesky-

An ALLIGATOR leaps out and bites down on her hand and doesn’t let go until she’s fired LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE BULLET INTO ITS BRAIN.

KAYA SCODELARIO

...Nevermind, turns out it was just another non-starting plot element like most things in this herky-jerky narrative.

She swims out through the PIPE. When she gets out the other side, she finds that she’s in a flooded ALLIGATOR FARM!

KAYA SCODELARIO

Uh huh. That’s real organic storytelling there. Our suburban dwelling, where me and my sister were raised as small children, backs right onto an alligator farm. Sure. We lived twenty feet from a gas station on one side, twenty feet from dozens of alligators on the other. WHY NOT.

(climbs out of water)

Oh and look! That pipe clearly sits way above the usual waterline, so the alligators could only have gotten in during the flood, so that whole “gator nest” thing makes no fucking sense at all! That’s just great.

She hurries into the house to try and save BARRY, who she can hear pounding on the roof of the NOW COMPLETELY-FLOODED CRAWL SPACE.

KAYA SCODELARIO

Where are you, Dad? Just underneath that trap door we established earlier, so I can just flip it open and pull you out?

BARRY PEPPER

bblbbll bllblb blllbbbblbl

KAYA SCODELARIO

What’s that? We really are just forgetting about that even though it would’ve made a pretty solid Chekov’s Gun?

BARRY PEPPER

bllbbll

KAYA SCODELARIO

And you’re not even gonna take ten seconds to swim over there now? Even though I could have the door open by the time you got there? Instead I’m supposed to try and rip the floor right open, that’s the option we’re going with? Ugh, fine.

She does indeed SMASH A HOLE IN THE FLOOR and yank BARRY out.

BARRY PEPPER

Okay! Now we have to just swim over and get that speedboat the looters were using. See, we are allowing ONE narrative element to pay off at least!

KAYA SCODELARIO

Swim over there? Dad, there are like thirty thousand alligators swimming around out there.

BARRY PEPPER

You’ll be fine, though!

(actual line)

You’re faster than them.

KAYA SCODELARIO

Are... are you sure about that? I mean, alligators can swim at twenty miles an hour, which is more than twice as fast as the all-time record for a human being, soooo...

BARRY PEPPER

Ahhh, I’m sure you’ll do great. After all, a full half of your limbs don’t even have alligator bites in them!

KAYA reluctantly swims over to the BOAT and gets in.

KAYA SCODELARIO

I made it! Suck it, alligators! Bet you wish you could just jump right onto the boat and eat me, like you did to that looter just earlier in the movie, nyah!

She drives the boat over to BARRY and he gets in and they start to leave.

KAYA SCODELARIO

Hooray, we did it! After so many false starts we finally got out of that house and-

The LEVIES BREAK and the FLOODWATERS hurl them RIGHT BACK INTO THE HOUSE and SMASH THE BOAT into KINDLING.

KAYA SCODELARIO

GOD. FUCKING. DAMNIT!!! After all that, that was another waste of time? Just one more failed attempt?

BARRY PEPPER

I don’t know why you’re so surprised, it was right there in the scene heading.

POLICE RADIO

whrxwh knurshvf mnmlpp

KAYA SCODELARIO

Wait, what’s that? Aha! Ross’s police radio! Please don’t let this be a stupid tease like his gun, I’m begging you.

(grabs radio)

Come in, come in! We need a rescue copter! Repeat, we need a helicopter to fly right into a raging hurricane to save two people and a dog! Never mind about the wind, we were just outside and honestly there was like zero wind, the rain was coming straight vertically down and everything.

POLICE RADIO

psdnyaohrfft glmzgch vtvbprq

KAYA SCODELARIO

Let’s hope that worked. Now we just have to get up to the roof! How are you going, Dad?

BARRY PEPPER

I found some flares! And I’ve decided to just light one up right here in the hallway for some reason.

(lights flare)

Yep, let’s just wave a bright attention-seeking light around, don’t see what harm that could-

ALLIGATOR

(biting Barry’s arm right the fuck off)

MMMMM, PEPPER STEAK!

KAYA SCODELARIO

Dad, you idiot! Just give me the flares, and get to the roof while you still have some blood in your body.

BARRY and the DOG abscond to the ROOF. Meanwhile KAYA spots the HELICOPTER out the window and signals it with a FLARE. But then an ALLIGATOR swims straight through the WINDOW and ATTACKS KAYA!

ALLIGATOR

OH LOOK SOME PREY, I AM BEING TOSSED ABOUT BY TERRIFYING FLOODWATERS AND I’VE PROBABLY ALMOST BEEN KILLED LIKE FIFTY TIMES BUT OF COURSE THE ONLY THING I CARE ABOUT IS THAT THERE IS A PERSON HERE WHO HAS NOT YET BEEN EATEN BY ME

(chomps Kaya’s shoulder)

KAYA SCODELARIO

Oh for FUCK’S SAKE! By now it’d probably be quicker to list the parts of my body which HAVEN’T been inside an alligator’s mouth!

She burns the ALLIGATOR with a FLARE and escapes to the ROOF, where she awaits the HELICOPTER with BARRY and the DOG.

KAYA SCODELARIO

Phew, finally! We survived! I mean your missing arm means your handyman career is probably fucked, and my various injuries will probably derail my future as a swimmer, so in a lot of ways this is a pretty shitty ending. But at least we get out of this alive!

BARRY PEPPER

Yes! I mean, the movie cuts to black before we actually board the helicopter, but I think it’s fair to assume that once we’re aboard nothing bad can happen to us.

They get onto the HELICOPTER. But then it turns out that the HELICOPTER is full of ALLIGATORS!

BARRY PEPPER

I MEAN OF COURSE

(devoured)

KAYA SCODELARIO

IT IS THE ONLY LOGICAL CONCLUSION

(devoured)

END.