FADE IN:

INT. FRENCH PRISON

TOM HANKS talks to LEONARDO DICAPRIO, who is sick and has a beard that he could never grow if GANGS OF NEW YORK is any indication.

TOM HANKS

You have been caught for your crimes. I'd be happy, but I am incapable of feeling joy.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

It is clear from this scene that I eventually get my comeuppance, so the following story of my life of crime may be cast off as youthful mischief with no repercussions. This allows me to be likeable, in spite of my obnoxious, sociopathic acts.

FADE TO:

INT. CHRISTOPHER WALKEN'S HOME - YEARS EARLIER

CHRISTOPHER WALKEN dances with his BORING WIFE CHARACTER and interacts creepily with his son, LEONARDO DICAPRIO.

CHRISTOPHER WALKEN

I love my family, in an unnerving sort of way. I set an example for my son by performing small cons to get what I want.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

But your cons never work. You're losing all of your money.

BORING WIFE CHARACTER

It's worse than that son, he's losing his wife, too. I'm leaving him for another man. Being in this family reminds me too much of that show Growing Pains.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

A divorce?

(shaking fists at sky)

No! Why, God, why? I must immediately turn to crime, incapable of handling this as well as the millions of other children of divorced parents.

He runs away and tries to get some money and live on his own.

EXT. THE WORLD ACCORDING TO SPIELBERG'S SENSE OF NOSTALGIA

LEONARDO tries to get money from a bank.

BANKER LADY

Sorry, but we can't help you, since you don't have an account with us.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Perhaps I could try my father's clever necklace trick on you in an awkward and forced manner.

The trick FAILS, and NEVER WORKS on ANYONE.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Dammit! It's impossible for a man to make an honest living in this country!

BANKER LADY

But you aren't trying to make an honest living. And you aren't a man. What right do you have to complain?

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Shut up. I'm going to pretend to be a pilot, then people will respect me and give me whatever I want. And if not, I'll throw a tantrum.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO gets a pilot outfit and starts cashing fake checks.

AUDIENCE

Wait, I'm supposed to believe that these people actually think you're an adult? You don't look a day over 16!

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Actually, in real life, I'm 29.

AUDIENCE

Really? Don't worry sonny, puberty will hit someday.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO flies all around the country, cashing fake checks and pissing off TOM HANKS and his USELESS TAGALONGS.

TOM HANKS

Stupid bland role... No way I can win an academy award for this... Lousy Spielberg...

TOM eventually finds LEONARDO DICAPRIO.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

I'm FBI agent Barry Allen. You don't want to arrest me.

TOM HANKS

Inexplicably, I will believe you.

LEONARDO leaves.

TOM HANKS

Wait a minute.. Barry Allen... That's the secret identify of The Flash! Specifically, Silver Age flash!

(pause)

He reads comic books! This means I'm chasing a kid! Either that, or a loser.

TOM HANKS accomplishes ABSOLUTELY NOTHING until LEONARDO calls him.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

(on phone)

I have called you to give you a hint, because deep down I want to be caught. This indicates that my crime spree is really just a cry for help and I am not a total delinquent, allowing me to continue being the protagonist. Please catch me and become my new father figure.

TOM HANKS

Aww, How sad. Rest assured, If it weren't for Steven Spielberg's overbearing, matter-of-fact direction I may actually have been able to conjure up an emotion just now

LEONARDO gets bored of safely screwing airline companies and decides to put peoples lives at risk by impersonating a doctor.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

I am finally feeling a sense of fulfillment now that I hold peoples lives in my careless hands. I think I'm ready to buckle down and marry someone.

AMY ADAMS

Hi. I won TeenBeat's "Win a movie role with Leonardo DiCaprio" contest. Marry me, my father plays the president on television.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Holy shit, you're one of the Bush daughters?

Eventually, LEONARDO is CAUGHT.

END

JUST KIDDING. LEONARDO escapes his captor and finds his mother, who has made a decent life for herself by contributing to what must be some serious women issues for LEONARDO. He is caught again, and he goes to PRISON.

END

JUST KIDIDNG. TOM HANKS visits LEONARDO in prison.

TOM HANKS

How's jail?

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Look at me, Tom. I look more like a girl than most girls. I'm a walking cum bucket here. You've got to get me out.

TOM HANKS

Well, I can get you a job working for me, helping catch people who commit the same sort of crimes you did. It'll make you a raging hypocrite, since your crimes were considered childhood whimsy and undeserving of severe punish--

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

I'll do it!

LEONARDO comes to work for TOM HANKS.

END

JUST KIDDING. LEONARDO considers escaping, but eventually realizes he has no where to go, and nobody who loves him anywhere except in a government office, and he comes back to TOM HANKS. This is DEPRESSING, but it is passed off as ENDEARING and MEANINGFUL.

END

JUST KIDDING. We are also treated to an obnoxious text epilogue.

OBNOXIOUS EPILOGUE

Leonardo went on to become one of the foremost experts at check forgery, and he has written many books, one of which was the inspiration for the very movie you wasted part of your life just watching. He makes millions of dollars now, which goes to prove that an honest man CAN make a living, as long as he first makes a dishonest one and then writes books about it.

END