INT. SPY CAR HEADING TO CHILDREN'S BIRTHDAY PARTY- NO, I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP.

JAMIE FOXX and CAMERON DIAZ are prepping for their mission to recover a generic maguffin from generic Russians.

JAMIE FOXX

We need to get the Super Internet Key from this children's birthday party under the cover of our fake alias.

CAMERON DIAZ

Cameron Diaz looks lovingly at Jamie Foxx. She feels a connection to her partner.

JAMIE FOXX

Cameron, you are reading the stage direction.

CAMERON DIAZ

Cameron stares bewilderingly. It is evident she hasn't done a movie in a few years and is still rusty.

JAMIE FOXX

The lines you speak are under your name.

CAMERON DIAZ

Cameron nods.

MATT CHANDLER

(over radio)

Remember to stay hidden and forgettable. If you need inspiration you can watch this movie.

INT. CHILDREN'S BIRTHDAY MANSION

JAMIE and CAMERON sneak upstairs and unlock a WOODEN TABLE, carrying the super internet key.

JAMIE FOXX

With this key, we can do anything. Just plug it into your computer, and you can control the world.

CAMERON DIAZ

Cameron wonders why it can't save this movie from all of its tired and vanilla tropes. She crosses to the far wall.

THE RUSSIAN GANGSTERS chase JAMIE and CAMERON until they wind up at the…

INT. BRITISH AIRPORT

ANDREW SCOTT starts talking British, which makes Jamie Foxx hate him.

ANDREW SCOTT

Thank goodness you are here.

JAMIE FOXX

What's that? Bly me, govenah. It's a sticky wicket. Hand me the key and Bob's your uncle.

ANDREW SCOTT

I barely even have an accent.

JAMIE FOXX

Yeah, but you still said it stupidly.

CAMERON DIAZ

Cameron ponders how the script will insinuate that she had a past relationship with Andrew Scott. She eventually gives up.

ANDREW SCOTT

Cameron, are you doing okay?

JAMIE FOXX

She is just a bit rusty about how acting works since her 11-year absence, but she is trying her best.

(waves American flag and pees out The Constitution)

Here is the key. Don't check the black box, take my word for it.

CAMERON breaks the 4th, 5th, and 6th wall by accident.

INT. THE PLANE

JAMIE and CAMERON board the plane, despite JAMIE only sharing half the British slurs he wanted to use.

CAMERON DIAZ

Cameron drops the news that she is pregnant. She displays fifteen birth tests, a complete DNA chart, and a signed letter from Maury Povich.

JAMIE FOXX

You know what? Even though this throwaway 90s story has been done better by Spy Kids 4 and The Family Plan, I am all in. I decided I want to be a father. If it was good enough for Orphan Annie, it is good enough for our child.

The AIRPLANE STEWARDS start shooting and attacking JAMIE and CAMERON.

JAMIE FOXX

Ahhh…I shouldn't have asked for a second bag of peanuts!

CAMERON DIAZ gets flung around and thrown into objects, but the baby is JUST FINE because she blocked one shot to her pelvis. The plane starts to crash, but JAMIE grabs one parachute.

JAMIE FOXX

You need to use this parachute. Save the baby.

CAMERON DIAZ

Cameron grabs onto Jamie, and they both use one parachute.

JAMIE FOXX

No, let me die. I don't want to change diapers!!!

EXT. SNOW FOREST

JAMIE FOXX

Looks like our official American spy HQ thinks we are dead. We should use this opportunity to start over fresh and start a family in the suburbs.

CAMERON DIAZ

Cameron agrees.

INSERT TITLE: BACK IN ACTION or THIS YACHT ISN'T GOING TO PAY FOR ITSELF

INT. HOUSE IN THE SUBURBS- THE FOXX HOLE

JAMIE and CAMERON have two kids, MCKENNA ROBERTS and RYLAN JACKSON.

CAMERON DIAZ

Wow, after fifteen years, I finally figured out how the script works. I knew acting was just like riding a bicycle.

RYLAN JACKSON

I am a geek who loves technology and video games. Look at this smart ring I am wearing that measures my heart rate. LOOK AT IT! IT'S IMPORTANT!

(throws it at the audience)

MCKENNA ROBERTS

Mom, I hate your guts because you won't give me a full, detailed report of your life story. I am so angry.

JAMIE FOXX

It's time for school.

CAMERON DIAZ

Cameron heads toward car…poop! Still trying to get the hang of it.

RYLAN JACKSON

By the way. Is it alright if I drink Diet Coke and eat Mentos in the car? LOOK AT THEM! IT'S IMPORTANT!

EXT. SCHOOL

MCKENNA leaves the car and instantly heads over to the MARIJUANA, METH, DRINKING, and PARENT HATING CLUB.

CAMERON DIAZ

I think our daughter is lying to us. Why won't she trust us?

(uses binoculars to spy on her)

JAMIE FOXX

I know. We are just laid back parents doing what is best for our kids.

(hacks satellite to get exact GPS position of McKenna)

CAMERON DIAZ

I thought we taught our kids the importance of honesty and not sneaking around.

(wiretaps book bag)

INT. RAVE THAT LOVES 14-YEAR-OLDS

JAMIE and CAMERON decode that MCKENNA will be at a dance club with boys and booze. This particular club requires all high school students to get pregnant before they leave. Genuinely concerned, the parents break into the club.

MCKENNA ROBERTS

I am such an adult. Can I have another sip of that meth. Pass me that blunt so I can inject it.

CAMERON DIAZ

Honey, baby, sweetie, my little dumpling. You are only 14 years old. Why are you here?

GUY WHO LOVES 14-YEAR-OLDS

We are deeply invested in your very young daughter staying at this rave.

JAMIE and CAMERON start punching, kicking, and slamming the 40-year-old creeps through a table. They barely have time to hashtag #truelovehasnoage. VARIOUS INFLUENCERS are recording.

MCKENNA ROBERTS

Mom and Dad, where did you learn karate? I hate parents who learn things and don't tell me why.

INT. HOUSE IN THE SUBURBS- THE FOXX HOLE

MATT CHANDLER shows up at JAMIE'S DOOR.

MATT CHANDLER

The minute I saw last night's video, I ran over here. Thank goodness I live next door, or this schedule would be insane.

JAMIE FOXX

You figured out we weren't dead.

MATT CHANDLER

That video and the fact that you send us a yearly Christmas Newsletter.

(hurries)

You need to get out of here fast. The Belarusians have wanted that Internet Key for fifteen years. Despite the internet advancing in leaps and bounds, progressing every year, and updating its security, the key should still work after all this time. They are literally right behind me. I shouldn't have carpooled with them.

MATT CHANDLER gets shot and starts rubbing tomatoes all over himself.

JAMIE and CAMERON run downstairs, remove a fake wall, and pull out a duffel bag with enough clothing for all their kids at their appropriate age.

JAMIE FOXX

Looks like we need to go to Vegas!

CAMERON DIAZ

That is Mark Wahlberg's plot. We need to go to British Land.

JAMIE FOXX

I hate those Brits!!!!!

CAMERON DIAZ

I thought you gave them the magical internet doohickey.

JAMIE FOXX

I was going to do that, but then they started speaking all dumb, so I hid it at your mother's house.

CAMERON DIAZ

Wait…sometime between us laying low and my pregnancy, you hopped over to the British Island and dropped off a magical key at my mother's fortified mansion?

JAMIE FOXX

Remember when I said I had to get milk and then I didn't come home for a month?

CAMERON DIAZ

I just thought you were leaving me, not lying to me.

EXT. HIGH SPEED CHASE

JAMIE and CAMERON are evading the terrorists, causing so much manslaughter , safely and without consequence.

JAMIE FOXX

Hand me that Coke with Mentos.

JAMIE throws the Coke with Mentos into the terrorist's car.

TERRORIST

Oh no! A slight inconvenience that momentarily causes us to swerve a little.

JAMIE FOXX

Ahem. This is a stupid action movie.

The MENTOS GRENADE ignites, sending the car flying fifty feet and spiraling through millions of dollars' worth of property.

INT. SCHOOL

CAMERON and JAMIE drive through the school, throwing nerve gas, stabbing CROSSING GUARDS, and crippling LUNCH MAIDS.

JAMIE FOXX

Get in the car, kids. We are going to British Town.

MCKENNA ROBERTS

More lies! I refuse to love you or even smile in your presence until you give me 30 years of backstory.

CAMERON and JAMIE incapacitate MCKENNA and RYLAN, and they escape.

INT. THE PLANE

RYLAN and MCKENNA are finally asleep after being gaslit for six whole hours. Their trauma makes them tired, and they pass out.

JAMIE FOXX

They are cute when they pass out from PTSD.

CAMERON DIAZ

Do you think it's okay to lie to our children?

JAMIE FOXX

We need to lie to protect them. Like when I say that the movie Stealth deserves a rewatch.

CAMERON DIAZ

Or when I tell them that There's Something About Mary passed on receiving its Oscar.

JAMIE FOXX

Or when we tell ourselves that Netflix put this movie on streaming because it is too good for a wide release in theaters.

NETFLIX CEO

Or the idea that The Electric State got critically panned because critics are biased and prejudiced.

INT. GAS STATION IN FANCY BLOKELAND

JAMIE and CAMERON let the kids go inside a small gas station with a working breakfast buffet at 3 am.

CAMERON DIAZ

Is it safe to leave our kids in there alone?

JAMIE FOXX

After what happened in 1779, they should be fine.

A BIKER GANG surrounds JAMIE and CAMERON. Cue the FIGHT MUSIC.

MCKENNA ROBERTS

Wow, Dad's stunt double is lighting a guy on fire with a flamethrower.

RYLAN JACKSON

Mom's stunt double is breaking limbs.

MCKENNA ROBERTS

Dad's stunt double ran over two bikers with his car.

RYLAN JACKSON

Mom's stunt double decided not to put this movie on her resume.

JAMIE FOXX

Alright, fine. Kids. Your mother and I are spies for the US.

CAMERON DIAZ

We gave up the excitement of espionage to raise you two ungrateful jerks.

MCKENNA ROBERTS

That explains why you pack our lunches with cyanide capsules.

INT. GINNY'S HOUSE

JAMIE and CAMERON hide in GLENN CLOSE's house. She is relationally GLENN FAR from her daughter.

GLENN CLOSE

Oh! It's my daughter.

(pukes in hatred)

CAMERON DIAZ

Oh! It's my mom.

(vomits in rage)

JAMIE DEMETRIOU waltzes downstairs and kisses GLENN passionately. Repeatedly. His lips absorb over fifty years of acting.

JAMIE DEMETRIOU

Call me Uncle Papa, kiddos.

THE KIDS

(barf in disgust)

EXT. WISHING WELL

JAMIE finds the MAGICAL INTERNET KEY hiding in this enchanted part of the backyard.

JAMIE FOXX

By hiding the key in the harsh winters of the countryside, I am confident it will be fully operational after fifteen years.

CAMERON DIAZ

Cameron deserves better than this plot.

JAMIE FOXX

You are rereading the stage direction.

CAMERON DIAZ

Am I?

INT. GINNY'S HOUSE

MATT CHANDLER exposes himself as the turncoat working with the Belarusian gang.

JAMIE FOXX

How are you alive? We saw you spray tomato sauce all over yourself.

MATT CHANDLER

Yes, I am working with the terrorists, and we need your internet key.

JAMIE FOXX

Terrorists? You are secretly British??

MATT CHANDLER

Nope, just your average spurned American who uses money to cover old wounds.

MATT CHANDLER hauls away MCKENNA and RYLAN. RYLAN shows his smart ring finger, makes it glow, and then highlights it with a pen to ensure JAMIE and CAMERON understand CHEKHOV'S SMART RING.

INT. GINNY'S HOUSE BUT WITH LESS TERRORISTS

ANDREW SCOTT and his team help JAMIE and CAMERON get back on mission.

ANDREW SCOTT

See? I am not the traitor working for the terrorists.

JAMIE FOXX

Chip chip, jolly ol' lad. Take the tube, I will. Top o' the morning to you. That's how you sound.

CAMERON DIAZ

We can track Rylan's smart ring on this laptop.

JAMIE FOXX

(looks at computer)

Dang! His cholesterol is through the roof. He might not make it to the bad guy's hideout.

GLENN CLOSE

I may have been a bad mother to you, Cameron, but I will do anything in my power to have the most affordable funeral for your children. You have my word.

CAMERON DIAZ

Gee, thanks, Mom.

INT. FANCY PARTY FOR RICH PEOPLE CONFERENCE

JAMIE and CAMERON attend the museum/rave/party and start searching for their kids.

JAMIE FOXX

Matt Chandler is upstairs auctioning off the key to terrorist leaders. In retrospect, I should have destroyed it instead of leaving it around hundreds of miles away.

CAMERON DIAZ

This is usually the time when the kids prove they are spy-worthy by saving the day, providing evidence that they are next in line for our craft. Maybe Rylan can help hack into the internet key, or McKenna can use her sneakiness to overtake a guard.

THE KIDS

(do nothing)

CAMERON DIAZ

Wow. I really thought that was low-hanging fruit.

MATT CHANDLER

To demonstrate this magical device, I will now use it to lower the dam to the Thames River, flooding all of Britain.

TERRORISTS

That will kill us too.

MATT CHANDLER

I used the key to command the water only to kill innocent people. It can do anything!!!

JAMES and CAMERON are fighting thugs. GLENN CLOSE makes a SNIPER NEST and 360 NO SCOPES a thug.

CAMERON DIAZ

Thanks mom! I love you.

GLENN CLOSE

Whatev-

(goes back to drinking)

JAMIE and CAMERON crash the AUCTION. MATT CHANDLER runs away with RYLAN and MCKENNA on a getaway boat.

THE KIDS

(offer nothing to this scene)

JAMIE DEMETRIOU

(in his van)

I have the magical internet key and need to unhack the hacking.

EXT. BOAT CHASE

CAMERON and JAMIE catch up to the boat holding their kids.

CAMERON DIAZ

Put on this life jacket. I am throwing you into the freezing river.

MCKENNA ROBERTS

I love you too, mom.

MATT CHANDLER

Oh no, the dam wall has been put back up. I am heading straight for it. While doing that, I am microwaving tin foil, juggling kerosene mixed with flint rocks, and lighting dynamite.

(boat explodes like the Death Star)

INT. THE CAR WHERE 90% OF THE PLOT PROGRESSES

CAMERON and JAMIE are celebrating in the car.

CAMERON DIAZ

Our kids love and trust us, the bad guys are dead, and I learned how to read the script. Everything is perfect.

MCKENNA ROBERTS

And I learned that honesty is more important than lying. Instead of sneaking around, I am going to be upfront with my requests. Mom, my friends are going back to the same dance club and drinking. Can I go?

CAMERON DIAZ

Yes, as long as you are honest about it.

(wins mother of the year award)

JAMIE FOXX

And since we only had one enemy our whole time in the CIA, we shouldn't worry about anyone else coming after us.

ANDREW SCOTT

Ahem, I am still in the car. You need to go back into the field as spies. I have news from your… FATHER!

(thunder strikes)

CAMERON DIAZ

(screaming)

Wait!!!? My Father??? My mom didn't asexually reproduce me????

JAMIE FOXX

(shaking fist at the east)

I will never forgive you, British land!

END