FADE IN:

INT. 90'S HOUSE - DAY

TOBEY MAGUIRE

Wow... life is hard. My school keeps telling me we're screwing up the environment, we'll never find any jobs, and Nazi demons from hell will eat my children.

REESE WITHERSPOON

Give me the remote.

TOBEY MAGUIRE

No, I must watch Pleasantville!

They PUMMEL each other for a while. Suddenly, there is a KNOCK on the door.

DON KNOTTS

Hey hey! I am here with a new remote for you.

TOBEY MAGUIRE

Who are you?

DON KNOTTS

(pause)

That's not important.

REESE WITHERSPOON

No, seriously, who are you?

WRITER/DIRECTOR GARY ROSS

That's not important. Stop asking it.

DON KNOTTS

In episode #8F23, where did Bud purchase his new shoes?

TOBEY MAGUIRE

His mom made them.

DON KNOTTS

Wow, that's right. Ok, who played the local police sheriff and then, when the series was over, slowly became a washed up has-been, making demeaning appearences in movies where his character isn't even explained?

TOBEY MAGUIRE

Well, that.. hey.. you look a lot like..

DON KNOTTS

Nevermind, you passed. Here's your remote.

DON flees. TOBEY presses a button, and they are suddenly whisked away into Pleasantville.

JOAN ALLEN

Would you like some pancakes, son?

WILLIAM H. MACY

Those are swell.

AUDIENCE

Ha ha! Making fun of how hokey those 50's sitcoms used to be! Man were they asking for it, too.

WRITER/DIRECTOR GARY ROSS

Take that, Leave it to Beaver.

This hilarious mockery of old sitcoms continues until GARY runs out of gags.

EXT. PLEASANTVILLE - DAY

WRITER/DIRECTOR GARY ROSS

Time to be poignant.

JOAN ALLEN starts masturbating.

AUDIENCE

Er...

JOAN ALLEN lets out moans of pleasure.

AUDIENCE

Uh...

JOAN ALLEN climaxes. A tree bursts into flames.

AUDIENCE

What the hell?

WRITER/DIRECTOR GARY ROSS

The fire is a metaphor.

AUDIENCE

For what?

WRITER/DIRECTOR GARY ROSS

Leave me alone - you're mean.

More PLEASNTVILLE RESIDENTS have SEX and MASTURBATE and get big ERECTIONS. Certain RESIDENTS turn color at random, others don't, for no clear reason.

JEFF DANIELS

I am having an affair with Joan Allen. I also paint her nude A LOT.

Signs reading "NO COLOREDS" hang in windows. JOAN ALLEN becomes an independent woman, no longer a housewife. JOAN ALLEN and other characters experiment with sex and fall in love. J.T. WALSH acts like an evil dictator.

WRITER/DIRECTOR GARY ROSS

Nazis, racism, women's lib, sexual promiscuity, true love, dictatorships.. I'm going to make the most important, theme-filled movie ever if it kills me.

TOBEY MAGUIRE

So we've taken this group of people that, for the most part, used to be very happy with their 50's lives.. and screwed them up, making them head toward lifestyles like our 90's, which the beginning of the movie established as being difficult, hard, and painfully upsetting..

REESE WITHERSPOON

Yes, but we've also made them free.

TOBEY MAGUIRE

Free of something they otherwise didn't know was not free. Haven't we really just done more harm than good? Didn't someone once say "Ignorance is bliss"? These people didn't ASK for their lives to be altered, they were happy..

WRITER/DIRECTOR GARY ROSS

(interrupting)

Hold it! Those are interesting points, but they're actual issues. I can't deal with those, so cut it the hell out and go masturbate. Now, back to pointing out the wrongs of racism and other things that are obviously bad.

AUDIENCE

Hey! Racism and dictatorships and all that ARE bad! Thanks, Gary, you've sent me a very important message that I otherwise didn't know!

INT. COURTROOM - DAY

TOBEY MAGUIRE

Dad.. do you still love Mom, even if she's in color?

WILLIAM H. MACY

(crying)

YES! I DO! I am sorry for being a pig!

People CRY. They also turn COLOR.

JOAN ALLEN

I'm so happy! My husband still loves me! I love you too, William!

JEFF DANIELS

Hey, what about me?

JOAN ALLEN

Oh, well, you are one of the people who helped me realize that there's more to life than cooking and cleaning. We had sex numerous times in numerous places. I love you.

WILLIAM H. MACY

What about me?

JOAN ALLEN

Er..well, I love you, too. I.. er.. I..Well, shit. How am I going to deal with these two important loves in my life?

WRITER/DIRECTOR GARY ROSS

Whoops. I didn't think of a solution to this. I guess there's only one thing to do....

END