The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
INT. 90'S HOUSE - DAY
TOBEY MAGUIRE
Wow... life is hard. My school keeps telling me we're screwing up the environment, we'll never find any jobs, and Nazi demons from hell will eat my children.
REESE WITHERSPOON
Give me the remote.
TOBEY MAGUIRE
No, I must watch Pleasantville!
They PUMMEL each other for a while. Suddenly, there is a KNOCK on the door.
DON KNOTTS
Hey hey! I am here with a new remote for you.
TOBEY MAGUIRE
Who are you?
DON KNOTTS
(pause)
That's not important.
REESE WITHERSPOON
No, seriously, who are you?
WRITER/DIRECTOR GARY ROSS
That's not important. Stop asking it.
DON KNOTTS
In episode #8F23, where did Bud purchase his new shoes?
TOBEY MAGUIRE
His mom made them.
DON KNOTTS
Wow, that's right. Ok, who played the local police sheriff and then, when the series was over, slowly became a washed up has-been, making demeaning appearences in movies where his character isn't even explained?
TOBEY MAGUIRE
Well, that.. hey.. you look a lot like..
DON KNOTTS
Nevermind, you passed. Here's your remote.
DON flees. TOBEY presses a button, and they are suddenly whisked away into Pleasantville.
JOAN ALLEN
Would you like some pancakes, son?
WILLIAM H. MACY
Those are swell.
AUDIENCE
Ha ha! Making fun of how hokey those 50's sitcoms used to be! Man were they asking for it, too.
WRITER/DIRECTOR GARY ROSS
Take that, Leave it to Beaver.
This hilarious mockery of old sitcoms continues until GARY runs out of gags.
EXT. PLEASANTVILLE - DAY
WRITER/DIRECTOR GARY ROSS
Time to be poignant.
JOAN ALLEN starts masturbating.
AUDIENCE
Er...
JOAN ALLEN lets out moans of pleasure.
AUDIENCE
Uh...
JOAN ALLEN climaxes. A tree bursts into flames.
AUDIENCE
What the hell?
WRITER/DIRECTOR GARY ROSS
The fire is a metaphor.
AUDIENCE
For what?
WRITER/DIRECTOR GARY ROSS
Leave me alone - you're mean.
More PLEASNTVILLE RESIDENTS have SEX and MASTURBATE and get big ERECTIONS. Certain RESIDENTS turn color at random, others don't, for no clear reason.
JEFF DANIELS
I am having an affair with Joan Allen. I also paint her nude A LOT.
Signs reading "NO COLOREDS" hang in windows. JOAN ALLEN becomes an independent woman, no longer a housewife. JOAN ALLEN and other characters experiment with sex and fall in love. J.T. WALSH acts like an evil dictator.
WRITER/DIRECTOR GARY ROSS
Nazis, racism, women's lib, sexual promiscuity, true love, dictatorships.. I'm going to make the most important, theme-filled movie ever if it kills me.
TOBEY MAGUIRE
So we've taken this group of people that, for the most part, used to be very happy with their 50's lives.. and screwed them up, making them head toward lifestyles like our 90's, which the beginning of the movie established as being difficult, hard, and painfully upsetting..
REESE WITHERSPOON
Yes, but we've also made them free.
TOBEY MAGUIRE
Free of something they otherwise didn't know was not free. Haven't we really just done more harm than good? Didn't someone once say "Ignorance is bliss"? These people didn't ASK for their lives to be altered, they were happy..
WRITER/DIRECTOR GARY ROSS
(interrupting)
Hold it! Those are interesting points, but they're actual issues. I can't deal with those, so cut it the hell out and go masturbate. Now, back to pointing out the wrongs of racism and other things that are obviously bad.
AUDIENCE
Hey! Racism and dictatorships and all that ARE bad! Thanks, Gary, you've sent me a very important message that I otherwise didn't know!
INT. COURTROOM - DAY
TOBEY MAGUIRE
Dad.. do you still love Mom, even if she's in color?
WILLIAM H. MACY
(crying)
YES! I DO! I am sorry for being a pig!
People CRY. They also turn COLOR.
JOAN ALLEN
I'm so happy! My husband still loves me! I love you too, William!
JEFF DANIELS
Hey, what about me?
JOAN ALLEN
Oh, well, you are one of the people who helped me realize that there's more to life than cooking and cleaning. We had sex numerous times in numerous places. I love you.
WILLIAM H. MACY
What about me?
JOAN ALLEN
Er..well, I love you, too. I.. er.. I..Well, shit. How am I going to deal with these two important loves in my life?
WRITER/DIRECTOR GARY ROSS
Whoops. I didn't think of a solution to this. I guess there's only one thing to do....
END