FADE IN:

We kick things off with 9/11 because hey, remember when EVERY action-thriller did that? GOOD TIMES.

EXT. AFGHANISTAN - 2011

CHRIS and some fellow SOLDIERS are in a HELICOPTER.

SUPERIMPOSE: IT IS NOW 2011, TEN YEARS AFTER 9/11. BECAUSE 9/11 HAPPENED IN 2001, AND 2011 MINUS 2001 IS TEN, ARE YOU STILL WITH US?

CHRIS PINE

I sure enjoy serving my country with my two healthy legs.

SUPERIMPOSE: THIS IS CHRIS PINE. HE IS THE STAR OF THIS MOVIE THAT YOU ARE WATCHING, WHICH IS "JACK RYAN: SHADOW RECRUIT". IF YOUR TICKET STUB SAYS "FROZEN" YOU ARE IN THE WRONG THEATRE.

SOLIDER

Hey, doesn't Jack Ryan get horribly injured during his military service? AW SHIT--

A MISSILE frags the HELICOPTER!

INT. REHAB

CHRIS PINE tries to heal his BUSTED LEG with the help of physically attractive physical therapist KEIRA KNIGHTLEY.

CHRIS PINE

Looks like we're going with the old "injured soldier falls in love with his nurse" routine.

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY

Oh goodie, I'm so glad that this fresh, updated version of the franchise has kept the origin of our relationship firmly rooted in the 1940s.

KEVIN COSTNER, in his daily routine of cruising for fresh young talent FOR THE CIA, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, spots CHRIS.

KEVIN COSTNER

Chris, I want to make you a shadow offer to shadow-become a Shadow Recruit.

CHRIS PINE

How is that any different from being a normal recruit?

KEVIN COSTNER

Well no Colin fucking Farrell, that's one thing. Plus instead of a regular CIA T-shirt, you get a blank T-shirt, that only YOU know is a Shadow CIA T-shirt.

CHRIS PINE

Fine, I accept.

KEVIN COSTNER

(glares)

CHRIS PINE

Er... I shadow-accept?

KEVIN COSTNER

Excellent! I'll be your guide, your mentor in the treacherous world you've entered into. First piece of advice, do NOT produce your own post-apocalyptic epics. Trust me.

INT. UNITED NATIONS BUILDING

U.N. GUY DAVID PAYMER

Time to launch this story into maximum hyperdrive with a subplot about Turkish oil pipelines and international economic policies and zzzzzzzzzzzzz

Luckily the MOVIE realizes that everything in this scene is COLOSSALLY FUCKING BORING and never mentions any of it ever again.

EXT. NEW YORK

The CAMERA swoops above the STATUE OF LIBERTY.

SUPERIMPOSE: THE STATUE IN THE FOREGROUND IS THE STATUE OF LIBERTY, WHICH IS IN NEW YORK. WE ARE SHOWING IT BECAUSE THE FOLLOWING SCENE HAPPENS IN NEW YORK, NEW YORK, EVEN THOUGH THE STATUE OF LIBERTY IS NOT IN IT.

CHRIS arrives for work at COLM FEORE'S BIG-ASS COMPANY.

CHRIS PINE

I sure love my new job at FeoreCo, where I can help the CIA spot nefarious activity by any global organization that just happens to be doing business with FeoreCo.

CHRIS'S WORK BUDDY

I own a motorcycle!

(vanishes)

CHRIS PINE

Uh-oh, I just figured out BranaghCo is doing bad stuff! Must inform my boss Colm Feore, as well as my shadow boss, Kevin Costner, and hope their instructions are compatible!

INT. REPERTORY CINEMA

CHRIS meets up with his CIA CONTACT at a screening of a classic spy movie.

CHRIS PINE

So wait, did I send you a secret message to meet here so I could give you a secret message? Or do you sit in this theatre 24-7 in case I show up with news of an imminent bio-terrorism attack?

CIA CONTACT

You'd prefer we ask the audience to believe that the CIA can send and receive encrypted emails? Sheesh!!

INT. CHRIS'S PLACE - LATER THAT DAY

SUPERIMPOSE: THIS IS CHRIS PINE'S HOUSE WHICH HE LIVES IN. THAT IS WHY HE IS WALKING AROUND INSIDE IT. HIS WIFE PLAYED BY KEIRA KNIGHTLEY LIVES THERE TOO. SHE IS HIS WIFE NOW BECAUSE THEY ARE MARRIED.

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY

I found your ticket stub Chris! Why are you sneaking around on me? And why are you paying extra for art-house tickets? If you need a deserted theatre there's always "I Frankenstein" or "Legend of Hercules".

CHRIS PINE

No shit, I actually kept the receipt to my secret spy rendezvous? Guess I'm either a complete idiot or I was saving it for my shadow tax return...

(shakes head)

I'm sorry Keira. I promise to stop doing anything shady or suspicious. Now if you'll excuse me I have a sudden unexplained business trip to Russia.

EXT. RUSSIAN FOREST OF EVIL

KENNETH BRANAGH and an OLD RUSSIAN DUDE emerge from their chauffeured expensive cars, wearing expensive suits, and walk casually into the forest.

KENNETH BRANAGH

Mnyah ha ha. Nobody will suspect we are conducting secret Russian evil spy business, despite this exact tableau having appeared in 32,917 other movies.

OLD RUSSIAN DUDE

Although in this age of spy satellites and such, this would be the most conspicuous idle stroll of all time. What was so important that you couldn't say over Chatroulette?

KENNETH BRANAGH

I think it's time to put my evil plan in motion. Tomorrow I will send the activation code for our sleeper agents, which is a priest saying the word "Lamentations" in a church.

OLD RUSSIAN DUDE

Nice job on choosing a codeword that happens ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Why haven't we been blowing up America every Good Friday?

KENNETH BRANAGH

Ah, because I used the "mission abort" code, which is somebody in Starbucks being a hipster douchebag!

OLD RUSSIAN DUDE

You are the worst spymaster ever.

INT. RUSSIAN AIRPORT

SUPERIMPOSE: THIS IS AN AIRPORT. IT IS WHERE PLANES LAND AND TAKE OFF. AS SUCH IT IS OFTEN USED BY PEOPLE GOING TO OTHER COUNTRIES SUCH AS OUR HERO, JACK RYAN, PLAYED BY CHRIS PINE. LET US WATCH AS HE SHADOW ARRIVES...

NONSO ANOZIE

Chris, welcome! You may remember me from such TV shows as "Game of Thrones" or the NBC trainwreck "Fake American Dracula", which WHAT THE FUCK NBC. Anyhow, let me take your bags.

CHRIS PINE

Gorsh, thanks!

CHRIS goes to his HOTEL and SHADOW CHECKS IN, then SHADOW TAKES THE ELEVATOR to his room.

NONSO ANOZIE

Surprise, I'm evil and going to kill you!

CHRIS PINE

About TIME we had some goddamn action in this action movie. Let's do this!

CHRIS and NONSO BASH THE HELL out of EVERY DAMN THING IN THE ENTIRE BATHROOM including EACH OTHER. Finally CHRIS kills NONSO! He rushes to the ROOF to call 1-800-CIA-HELP.

CHRIS PINE

My cover's blown! Get me outta here!

CIA VOICE

Don't worry. We'll dispose of the body and repair the bathroom, everything will be fine.

CHRIS PINE

No look, someone was sent to KILL me because somebody, presumably Ken Branagh, WANTS TO HAVE ME KILLED. This fact WILL NOT CHANGE by doing random cosmetic work...

CIA VOICE

It's okay, we've got swatches of the fabric, tile samples, the works. In fact we might update the vanity by adding a conical marble sink, those are really in vogue right now.

CHRIS PINE

How the fuck does this address the people-want-me-dead situation at all?!

CIA VOICE

UPDATED FUCKING VANITY ASSWIPE, HOW DO YOU NOT GET THIS

EXT. RUSSIAN DOG PARK

CHRIS finds KEVIN COSTNER sitting in the park with a DOG.

CHRIS PINE

Um, most people going to walk their dog in a park actually, y'know, WALK THEIR DOG. You look ten times more suspicious than if you just sat there with no dog.

KEVIN COSTNER

Whatever. Thanks to you, we now know for sure that the Russians are the bad guys in this movie. It may seem like a lame and uninspired choice of adversary now, but if we'd just waited a few more months to hit theatres, then HOOOO BOY. Man, we were SO close.

(pause)

Now I'm going to leave you here with this stolen dog, without telling you where it lives. Good luck, asshole.

INT. HEAD OFFICE OF BRANAGHCO. -- THE NEXT DAY

CHRIS PINE is led past 3,000 ELECTRONIC LOCKS that are all opened by THE SAME KEY, making them equally effective as ONE LOCK. Finally he shadow reaches KENNETH BRANAGH'S OFFICE.

CHRIS PINE

Wow, my Russian nemesis is a well-known UK actor with a cheesy accent. We really are taking the series back to its roots, aren't we?

KENNETH BRANAGH

(shrugs)

As long as I don't sound like a gargling Scotsman we should be fine. Meanwhile, here is my head of security in this spare closet.

CHRIS PINE

Huh. Is this where you kill me for being CIA?

KENNETH BRANAGH

Oh no, it's not like I would shoot someone in cold blood right here in the office, even though later on I do exactly that.

CHRIS PINE

All right, then I guess I should start the only one-man corporate audit in the history of the universe.

KENNETH BRANAGH

No, because I sold all our questionable assets yesterday, which is a real tactic that really works in reality for real.

CHRIS PINE

Well fuck me. Dinner?

KENNETH BRANAGH

Come on, why would I do that?! Why would I hang out with a CIA operative on the eve of launching my big evil plan?!?!!

CHRIS PINE

I don't know, fuck, why did I even show up today when I know you want me dead? Why didn't you have me killed on my way over?! Or the second I leave? WHY ARE YOU NOT STOPPING ME RIGHT NOW?!!

KENNETH BRANAGH

I DON'T FUCKING KNOW GODDAMMIT!!

(pause)

Fine, see you at eight. And bring your wife, who I know is in town but haven't bothered to kidnap to use as leverage SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK AM I EVEN DOING?!?

INT. BACK AT CHRIS'S HOTEL

SUPERIMPOSE: WE ARE NOW BACK AT THE HOTEL, A PLACE WHERE PEOPLE SLEEP WHEN THEY ARE AWAY FROM HOME. CHRIS PINE IS HERE BECAUSE HIS HOME IS BACK IN AMERICA, AND WE ARE IN RUSSIA NOW, JUST LIKE...

CHRIS PINE

Keira? How did you get to Russia so fast?

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY

What, you can't believe I could impossibly get a travel visa overnight?

CHRIS PINE

No, I can't believe the CIA didn't block your ass at the airport back in the States. Smooth move, assclowns.

KEVIN COSTNER

(arriving)

I guess we'll just have to come up with a plan that needs Keira's help. Oh hey, there's one.

INT. RUSSIAN RESTAURANT

CHRIS and KEIRA meet KENNETH for dinner. CHRIS pretends to get SHITFACED so he can LEAVE, even though in Russia EXCESSIVE BINGE DRINKING is usually found under APPETIZERS. With CHRIS gone, KEN starts flirting with KEIRA.

KENNETH BRANAGH

I find you irresistible, Keira. I would kiss you here and now, if only I didn't have a flesh-slit where my mouth should be. Oh, to know the simple pleasure of kissing. Or whistling. Or making a duckface. Sadly, my taut dental foreskin renders all that impossible...

(sobs)

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY

Okay, all joking aside, did your lips burn off in a grease fire or something?

INT. BRANAGHCO.

CHRIS PINE

Hee hee, I stole Ken's security ID! Of course the security cameras and facial-recognition scanners would totally give me away, if the CIA didn't have one of his security guards working for us. A special security guard who can override facial-recognition scanners but not ID card readers.

CHRIS gets to KEN'S OFFICE and starts HACKING his computer and you know what that means... PROGRESS BARS, BABY!! OH YYEEEAAHHHH GIMME THAT SWEET SWEET PROGRESS BAR ACTION!!!

CHRIS PINE

Naturally it had to be me personally doing this, because only I possess the rare skill of putting a USB stick into a USB port. And using a remote keyboard was not an option because the CIA has less technology than your average IT department.

KEVIN COSTNER

(on ear radio)

Chris, guards are coming! Get out of there now! Don't worry, we have snipers covering every inch of the building, so the escape won't require any skill on your part. Just blunder about and we'll shoot anyone who comes after you.

CHRIS PINE

(running to fire escape)

JAAAAAAAACK RYYYYAAAAAANNN!!!!

CHRIS gets to STREET LEVEL and deftly slips the USB stick to a passing CIA AGENT, who nonchalantly hands it off to ANOTHER AGENT, who slyly transfers it to YET ANOTHER AGENT, who skillfully palms it to STILL YET ONE MORE AGENT, who casually sneaks it back to KEVIN COSTNER. This labyrinthine clusterbomb of handoffs allows the USB stick to travel TEN FEET.

CHRIS PINE

(bumping into Ken Branagh)

Oh hey there! I've just been loitering around drunk by your office. OOPS I jammed my hand in your pocket where your security key is now returned, I mean, was never gone.

KENNETH BRANAGH

Godammit, we both know that we both know you're a spy. Just fuck off already.

KEN returns to his office and sees CHRIS PINE'S BIG DOOFUS FACE all over the security footage.

KENNETH BRANGH

OH MY GOSH LOOK CHRIS PINE IS CIA. MY MIND IS SO TOTALLY FUCKING BLOWN. Am I fucking allowed to do something about it now?

(shoots head of security)

Besides that?

INT. CIA HIDEOUT

CHRIS PINE

Holy shit Kevin, the Russkies have a diabolical plan to devalue all US currency! And it happens tomorrow! I learned all this when I decrypted the file by looking at it.

KEVIN COSTNER

We'd better get right on this! Hey, did anybody flip the sign to "CLOSED" when we came in? You know, the sign under the "CIA MOBILE OPS" storefront banner?

KENNETH BRANAGH & ARMY OF GOONS

Nope!

A SHOOTOUT starts, during which KENNETH grabs KEIRA and drives off! CHRIS SHADOW DRIVES after them!

CHRIS PINE

KEEEEIIIIRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

KENNETH BRANAGH

GIVE ME THE FILE BACK RIGHT NOW

CHRIS PINE

IF YOU WANT THE FILE BACK WHY ARE YOU DRIVING AWAY FROM ME YOU ASSHOLE

KENNETH BRANAGH

IF I WANT THE FILE BACK AT SIXTY MILES AN HOUR THEN THAT IS HOW I DAMN FUCKING WELL WANT IT BACK

CHRIS PINE

KEEEIIIIIRRAAAAAAAAAAA

CHRIS DITCHES the CAR and starts RUNNING instead while also playing BULLETS AND BRACELETS for some reason.

CHRIS PINE

(making sound effects)

Pew! Pew! Ping! Pew! Ping! Ping!

(pause)

I guess my leg is all better now.

KENNETH BRANAGH

Seriously, give me the file or I'll smash this lightbulb inside Keira's mouth!

CHRIS PINE

Fine, I'll just smash your front window, making you crash the car! But the lightbulb WON'T break because, um, America or something. Come on, Keira!

CHRIS and KEIRA merrily DRIVE AWAY leaving KENNETH on the side of the road.

KENNETH BRANAGH

Um, hello? Principal bad guy here?

(pause)

...hello?

(crickets)

INT. FBI SHADOW PLANE

CHRIS PINE

Time is running out!! Quick, reverse the polarity of the transwarp inducers! Reroute the phaser banks into the dilithium grav-flux array!!

(pause)

Sorry, I mean, do the spy-thriller version of that!

KEVIN COSTNER

(does so)

Okay, we've figured out their target is somewhere in New York City. BUT WHERE?!? Where will they strike as part of their financial-meltdown monetary-collapse uberplan? What part of New York could POSSIBLY be compatible with that objective?!? AW SHIT WE'RE FUCKED

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY

Wait, that giant picture of Wall Street in Ken Branagh's files leads me to guess their target is Wall Street.

CHRIS PINE

Keira, that's it!! You're a genius, and totally a legitimate protagonist in your own right!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON AS BLACK WIDOW

(facepalms)

EXT. WALL STREET

CHRIS, KEVIN, and a MILLION COPS swarm around WALL STREET in a distinctly non-shadowy fashion.

KEVIN COSTNER

Hm, something isn't right.

CHRIS PINE

Wait a sec! That passing police van has fresh paint, meaning it's a fake! Which is odd since Kenneth has been planning this for a while now. But obviously the REAL target is somewhere totally different!

KEVIN COSTNER

But if that's true why would they even drive past us. In fact they would make a point of being nowhere near--

CHRIS PINE

GIMME A MOTORCYCLE NOW!! PREFERABLY THE ONE WE INTRODUCED BACK IN THE FIRST ACT ALL CASUAL-STYLE, OH YYEAAAHHHH THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT BITCHES!!

CHRIS chases the VAN to an UNDERPASS near the WATER! He finds a RUSSKIE MOLE trying to set up a BOMB, and FIGHTS him!

CHRIS PINE

OOF! TAKE THAT!

RUSSKIE MOLE

ARGH! DIE YANKEE SCUM!

CHRIS PINE

Hey wait, which one of us is wailing on the other one?

RUSSKIE MOLE

I dunno. Maybe if we weren't being filmed at a distance, in the dark, wearing the same outfit, and having the same general build, height, and hair colour, it would be possible to tell.

CHRIS PINE

Well I say we take this into the daylight so we know who the fuck is winning.

One of them gets in the VAN and heads OUTSIDE, and it turns out to be CHRIS!

CHRIS PINE

Oh cool! Now I can drive this nuclear bomb into the harbour, thus saving everyone!

(pause)

I know we're going for a Dark Knight Rises vibe here, but it feels more like sweeps-week Castle to me. Ah well.

RUSSKIE MOLE

Hey, I'm still here too! Let's keep fighting! You don't have the moves to defeat me!

CHRIS PINE

Ah, but I have my secret awesome finishing move! Which is falling out of the van while you drive into the water and explode.

This HAPPENS!

EXT. BACK IN THE EVIL RUSSIAN FOREST

KENNETH walks around.

KENNETH BRANAGH

Yeah, this is WAY better than a final showdown with Chris Pine would have been.

(is shot)

INT. THE WHITE HOUSE

SUPERIMPOSE: THIS IS THE WHITE HOUSE, WHERE THE PRESIDENT LIVES. WE'RE NOT GOING TO NAME WHICH PRESIDENT IN CASE PEOPLE ARE WATCHING THIS YEARS LATER, THOUGH WE ADMIT, THAT'S PRETTY GODDAMN OPTIMISTIC OF US

KEVIN COSTNER

Good job Chris. Now you get the most uplifting ending and highest reward imaginable - you get to meet THE GODDAMN MOTHAH FUCKING PRESIDENT.

CHRIS PINE

AW GAWD I CAN'T WAIT

(creams pants)

GERARD BUTLER & CHANNING TATUM

Get in line, buddy. It's been a busy year.

END